Dream Matches — page 4

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a smorgasbord of weirdness for you- more Ultimate Warrior & Sting in Memphis! Masato Tanaka vs. Hayabusa in FMW! And PHIL HICKERSON!

But yes, first I found a match Maffew recommended- it’s Masato Tanaka & Hayabusa in FMW having the matches Teen Jab always imagined in his head, piling on ALL THE MOVEZ as they get all the big, crunchy offense and brain each other for 23 minutes of 2.9 counts! Then it’s over to 1985 Memphis, as JIM HELLWIG & STEVE BORDEN debut for the promotion as humble juice-monkeys, admiring the local girls of the territory and taking on some jobbers who have absolutely NOTHING to work with against these two immobile green slugs. Then a look to months later as the now-heel Hellwig & Borden are the BLADE RUNNERS, Road Warrior knock-offs with black lipstick, working against the mighty Phil Hickerson and Billy Travis in a tragically-clipped match!

Next up, it’s part of the WWF’s foray into LUCHA LIBRE, as they hire some AAA scrubs to fill time- I wanna get to as much of this as I can, but most notable is this Shotgun Saturday Night match where the former Power Rangers-knockoff “Power Raiders” team take on their heelish counterparts in a ludicrous no-selling Flippy Match that has Jim Ross noticeably bitching on commentary! Finally, a bodyguard-less “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase takes on the mighty Tugboat in a 1991 Prime Time match!

MASATO TANAKA vs. HAYABUSA:
(Frontier Martial-Arts Wrestling, 3/13/98)
* Maffew recommended this in his FMW reviews, so I figured I would take a look at it! In part because I’m actually curious about Hayabusa’s FMW stuff- while I’ve always liked what I saw, I only saw him in other promotions. I just rarely ever saw ANY stuff from FMW. These are two of FMW’s top guys, depending on whether or not Atsushi “Mr. Liar” Onita was retired that week or not. Hayabusa was left being the Ace in Onita’s absence, and was apparently pretty beaten up by the style. Meanwhile, here’s a guy who wrestles so rough I’m shocked his even alive today, Masato Tanaka! Even here he’s covered in battle wounds. Hayabusa’s in brown “Sabu pants” and fairly slender, while Tanaka is fireplug-ish in long black trunks.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have my favorite Phil Hickerson clip, as he tears into a young, cocky Jim Hellwig (pre-Ultimate Warrior) and his buddy Steve “Sting” Borden, dismissing both as know-nothing roid-monkeys who don’t know how to fight OR wrestle, and demonstrates it by kicking a young Jim’s ass! This is a great TV segment that shows the “reality”, a bit of shaming of big juice guys, and a good TV angle once things fall apart. Also Phil gets one of the all-time digs on muscle wrestlers that has to be heard to be appreciated.

Next up, it’s Brian Pillman as the masked “Yellow Dog” teaming up with Bobby Eaton vs. Ric Flair and The Diamond Studd on WCW Saturday Night, back when Scott Hall was still trying to make it work on a national stage! “Macho Man” Randy Savage, freshly babyface, disappointing Jesse Ventura on commentary as he takes on JTTS Tiger Chung Lee! A UPW match as 1-year veteran John “The Prototype” Cena on ALL THE STEROIDS takes on Crash Holly in what was probably a tryout! And finally, the most depressing match ever, as four floundering careers collide with a rookie’s as The Road Dogg & K-Kwik team up against Lo Down- D-Lo Brown & Chaz Warrington managed by Tiger Ali Singh and wearing NEON SULTAN GEAR right out of 1993 as their careers die before our very eyes!

JIM HELLWIG (w/ Steve Borden) vs. PHIL HICKERSON:
(Memphis, 1985-86)
* It’s THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. PHIL HICKERSON!! Of all the things to find. Someone showed me this one when I was gushing about Hickerson’s fat slobbiness a couple weeks ago on the BOD, so I just had to cover this one. And here’s Hellwig on ALL THE STEROIDS, impossibly being even MORE juiced up than he was in his WWF run! I mean, he’s an absolute brick wall at this point, trading the ripped-ness for stacks of muscle. He and partner Steve Borden (Sting) stand there with Lance Russell, Jim doing all the talking as he brays with a great “smartass smirk” about how “when you take into account our physiques- the rock-hard muscle”, they should be higher on the card compared to “all the fat people. Like the KING of the Fat Dude Wrestlers, Jerry Lawler, or Phil Hickerson- you know neither of THEM have seen the inside of a gym!”, drawing out Hickerson himself with all the venom in the world.

Phil slowly works himself up, initially stuttering and pointing out that “You got no right” talking to him like that, and “I tried to help ‘yall”, but the reason they’re not getting title shots is because “you’re GREEN and you don’t know HOW to wrassle! The only thing that you know how to do, brother, is how to pull them britches down and put steroids in them BOOTY! That’s the only thing that you idiots know how to do!”. Hellwig laughs him off, claiming he’ll put Phil’s head inside his huge bicep and “squash it like a ripe tomato”, setting off Phil’s “You don’t scare me one damn bit, brother, because one thing about it- I can WRASSLE and I can FIGHT, and that’s something you can’t do! You can not do EITHER ONE, and that’s why you’ll be wrestling the first or second match the rest of your damn life!”.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! I found a ton of fun stuff this week, including more of the guys I’ve been checking out lately! But for starters, we have a WCW Lethal Lottery match with the mighty Road Warriors split up on different teams! It’s Road Warrior Hawk with Lex Luger against Road Warrior Animal and Booker T! Booker is a heel who hates the Warriors, and Luger is a twerpy tweener guy, so this has some real intrigue to it! Next up, it’s another Ricki Starr match, as the “sissy” ballet dancer babyface takes on hapless lug Hans Hermann, a burly Nazi who is OUTRAGED at Ricki’s schtick and takes no end of cartoonish pratfalls over it!

Then it’s a wild Japanese tag match, as All Japan’s Real World Tag League gives us Jumbo Tsuruta & Yoshiaki Yatsu… versus PHIL HICKERSON AND JERRY BLACKWELL! The massively fat American heel squad provide quite the contrast to the Ace duo, but they perfectly play off of Blackwell’s obesity and have a fun match! Then it’s an indie showcase, as Combat Zone Wrestling has a 4-way between Kevin Steen (the future Kevin Owens), Mike Quackenbush, B-Boy and Super Dragon! That’s right- I find more SUPER DRAGON stuff to watch, some dude I’ve never heard of, plus a pre-fat Kevin Owens and a comedy wrestler! And finally, I’m convinced to check out Kaiju Big Battel- a tokusatsu-themed comedy promotion from New York, as American Beetle takes on Call-Me-Kevin, as two dudes in suits fight over a box of “Rucky Charms”.

LETHAL LOTTERY:
LEX LUGER & ROAD WARRIOR HAWK vs. BOOKER T & ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL:
(WCW Slamboree, 1996)
* One of my favorite gimmick concepts ever is the Lethal Lottery- “random” tag teams thrown together in bizarre, one-time only contests. Like, a whole PPV of that concept is stupid and it’s why it never worked, BUT when else are you going to see Hawk vs. Animal alongside Luger & Booker T? It’s completely wild! This is ages before Booker’s big WCW solo push, so he’s effectively “the good worker in Harlem Heat”, with the Road Warriors’ legendary team split up and they’re made to fight each other. Plus Luger, who always had a big push going. Luger’s in black trunks, Booker’s in a slick blue outfit (only Harlem Heat ever wore outfits like this with the thin straps on top, tied at the center), and the Warriors are in black tights- I missed their “grey over red” spikes period- very “WWF Corporate Toy” design.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! First up, I have a very good TV match between World Champion Ric Flair and Beautiful Bobby Eaton in a rare singles match from 1990! Come see how they fill a 20-minute segment with a midcarder against the Champ! Then it’s a wonderful TV angle from 1984 Memphis, as the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express are up against the Southern Tag Team Champions, Phil Hickerson and the Spoiler, embarrassing them in non-tittle matches twice before the heels put the belts up.

Then I take a look at some amazing 1950s wrestling, as Ricki Starr, a prancing ballet dancer BABYFACE, embarrasses burly heel Frank Fozo in a 1950s comedy match that has the audience in wild hysterics! Finally, it’s more of indie “legend” Super Dragon, as he faces Christopher Daniels, who tries his level best to move his clunky-ass opponent around the ring!

NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
RIC FLAIR vs. BEAUTIFUL BOBBY EATON (w/ Jim Cornette):
* It’s Eaton vs. Flair in a World Title match! I didn’t realize this had happened. Eaton was kind of idealized as a tag team wrestler- not a lot of promo ability and he looked like someone’s dad (albeit one with a great right hand), but he was a terrific worker. Flair is the babyface Champion, coming out in purple trunks- Eaton’s in white tights, with the world’s longest mullet.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a mostly WCW-leaning assortment, but also pulled out a Moxley/Danielson DGUSA match! First up, though is a FANTASTIC defining match for The Giant back when he was only in his first year and yet WCW World Heavyweight Champion! Here he takes on Scott Steiner, who does a great job putting over the newbie, making it look hopeless until it isn’t, then making him look like a million bucks on the way out! And Giant holds his own with the monster selling, too!

After that, it’s a WWE/WCW Vault upload as Mean Mark takes on Lex Luger shortly before Mark jumps ship and becomes the Undertaker- come see just HOW limited both guys were at this time! Then it’s 1999 WCW with a risk-taking Juventud Guerrera vs. Psychosis match, with some INSANE bumping and a hell of a finish! Then it’s Dragon Gate USA doing a small indie show with Bryan Danielson facing a goofy, wriggly heel Jon Moxley years before they’d form a stable together and then Moxley would try to single-handedly bury the entire company of AEW! Finally, it’s more of Outback Jack’s jobber years, as he takes on new dastardly heel “The Natural” Butch Reed!

WCW WORLD TITLE:
THE GIANT (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. SCOTT STEINER:
(WCW Nitro, June 17th 1996)
* Oh man! On paper this sounds remarkable- the nigh-unstoppable rookie Champion of WCW and he’s going up against one of the most credible tag team wrestlers in the world, and a guy even then fans were clamoring for more of- Scott Steiner! The Giant is of course a young, skinny Paul Wight in the most successful rookie year ever- green as grass but grim and a serious threat. I’m actually seen very, very little of him at this point, and Bobby Heenan puts over how successful he is so young. Scott is in a black & pink bisected singlet, and has his ribs taped due to an earlier attack. The Giant at this point doesn’t have much stage presence, but his size alone is impressive, and he’s clearly trying to under-act a bit, seeming unimpressed with everything. Probably better than overdoing it at this point.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, a search for Black Tiger stuff ended up finding the SECOND incarnation, Eddie Guerrero, fighting for the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship in Japan against Sabu! I didn’t even realize Sabu was the champion at one point! And finally, at last, I find out of my Dream Matches Holy Grails on YouTube, as the WCW Channel uploads JUVENTUD GUERRERA vs. REESE from 1998’s Great American Bash! One of the great wild mismatches and styles clashes!

Next up, it’s another look at Outback Jack, as his jobber phase continues with a squash at the hands of Ted DiBiase! Following that, a true rarity sees SUPER CALO “jump” to ECW, where he’s immediately fed to their own established “Super C___”, Super Crazy! Then one of those bouts you see periodically in the WWF since they have some Michinoku Pro guys- Taka Michinoku against the Big Boss Man in a heel vs. heel Jakked match!

IWGP JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE:
SABU vs. BLACK TIGER:
(New Japan, June 12th 1995)
* !! I went looking for some Rollerball Rocco as Black Tiger stuff but the first thing that popped up was THIS- Eddie Guerrero’s run as the second incarnation of the “Evil Tiger Mask”, when he was IWGP Jr. Champion… and here he is against SABU! I mostly recall Sabu’s FMW and All Japan runs, so it’s weird seeing him turn up holding New Japan’s belt. I guess I don’t know that lineage at all cuz I was expecting Eddie to be Championl. Uhhhhh looks like he was in New Japan more than anywhere else in ’95, too! 64 matches! I’m told this is the cause of that time Paul Heyman came out and publicly shat on Sabu for bailing on an ECW Arena show to do a New Japan tour.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Our matches today include a legendary dream match between the Hart Brothers and the Steiner Brothers! This was a classic Tape Trader dream back in the day, as it made a New Generation-era tape during a down period as the two teams had very little crossover. But it’s a doozy- 25 minutes of tons of chain-wrestling and effort. Following that, it’s a terrifically weird WCW dark match, as 1998 sees Revolution Pro’s barely-trained marks out there on Thunder, with Blitzkrieg & Super Dragon taking on American Wild Child & Dragon Yakuza! Come see why one of them immediately got a job and the other three stayed in Indie Hell as part of the “lost generation” of Cruiserweights. lol they are simply AWFUL!

Then I decided to go out and find Outback Jack’s debut, as the clumsy Australian comes in to face a maximum-effort Steve Lombardi, who desperately tries to save the match with tons of bumping and selling! After that, it’s another Dark Match, as 2000 WWF sees Scott “Sick Boy” Vick vs. Bo Dupp in the most “first match in wrestling class” bout possible!

THE STEINER BROTHERS (Rick & Scott Steiner) vs. THE HART BROTHERS (Bret & Owen Hart):
(WWF Wrestling Challenge Taping, Jan. 11th 1994)
* One of the legendary Dream Matches, this ended up on a New Generation-era Coliseum Video tape and was mostly forgotten save for internet fans, who went nuts over this bout. This was when Bret was trying to make a team with Owen work, just before Owen kicked his leg out from his leg at the Royal Rumble because he was TOO DAMN SELFISH. Babyface vs. Babyface contests were extremely rare save for when Bret was involved, as he usually got the best matches out of everybody, and knew how to toe the line (aka be a total asshole) to still get fan reactions. With four respected workers in there, and a LONG match-time, this was probably expected to be the “workers paradise” draw. Given how neither team was a thing in the WWF immediately following it, one wonders about the backstage mechanics. Bret was a former World Champion but Owen was an undercard guy still. Bret’s in pink & black, Owen’s in black, Rick’s got a yellow & blue singlet with early ’90s-style print, and Scott’s in black & checkerboard tights. Gorilla Monsoon & Stan Lane are our commentators.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time it’s a WWE Vault spectacular, as those beautiful bastards upload more and more amazing “WTF?” matches for our viewing pleasure! Check out the main event- BULL NAKANO & HAKUSHI teaming up against Alundra Blayze and Bob “Spark Plug” Holly! Absolutely spectacular stuff, especially as Bull & Madusa work “Zenjo Style” and leave the boys in the absolute dust so they can work generic “WWF Lightweight Style” at 1/3 the pace.

Then it’s a request, as Bret Hart & The Bushwhackers team up against DA MOUNTIE & The Nasty Boys in MSG, with a 13-minute match ridiculously full of fuckery (aka time-killing house show spots)- ironically IMPROVING the match compared to if they’d just played it straight! You have GOT to see Jacques Rougeau’s cartoonish overselling here. Then it’s a CASKET MATCH from WWF In Your House 5, as The Undertaker (with Phantom of the Opera mask) takes on King Mabel to cap off their feud! Also one of the worst “on paper” matches I’ve ever seen, as the Big Boss Man faces MIDEON on Sunday Night Heat in 2000, where I review it for the lulz and accidentally find a truly historic moment! Finally, I threw in a WCW match as WCW Pro features La Parka & El Dandy vs. Super Calo & Ciclope!

BULL NAKANO & HAKUSHI (w/ Shinja) vs. BOB “SPARK PLUG” HOLLY & ALUNDRA BLAYZE:
(WWF Dark Match, March 13th 1995)
* WHAT A FUCKING CHANNEL! From the WWE Vault comes a bizarre mixed tag match- JTTS Bob Holly and the top WWF women’s wrestler, and they’re taking on the Japanese duo- Hakushi (who never really got out of the midcard despite his fascinating gimmick) and Bull Nakano, brought in as Blayze’s “opponent of the time” (there were usually only 2 women in the company at once).

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! With a logo made by BOD overlords! I might go back to the old one, but it apparently has a specific size requirement and I’m too tired to make one fit now! Oh yeah, and some matches!

It’s Toshiaki Kawada vs. Gary Albright in a great “Styles Make Fights” match in 1995 All Japan! Albright hails from UWF-I with tons of “fake shoot” credibility, huge size, and amateur credentials, leaving the smaller, less-submission-oriented Kawada in real trouble! Everyone knows Kawada is good, but come see HOW good, and why.

Then it’s some WCW Worldwide glory as Hacksaw Jim Duggan faces the Flock’s REESE! What sort of advanced tactics will Jim Duggan use to face a 7-foot giant, because surely he can’t just brawl with himhahahahaah just kidding. 1994 WWF sees The Portuguese Man O’War, Aldo Montoya, face a young jobber Chris Kanyon! Then it’s over to 1987 WWF for more Early Demolition, as Ax & Smash get a new manager in Mr. Fuji and take on jobbers Leaping Lanny Poffo and Billy Anderson! And finally, a weird style clash as Juventud Guerrera, fairly new to WCW, faces jobber Mark Starr on WCW Pro!

TOSHIAKI KAWADA vs. GARY ALBRIGHT:
(All Japan, Oct. 25th 1995)
* This one has been detailed by our own Alex P, who indicates it’s a big pseudo-interpromotional match. Albright was a big star in UWF-I (the fake-shoot company that hit huge and then fizzled out and split apart)- he was a Vader-like big meaty powerhouse guy, with some amateur credentials. His pro wrestling start was mostly in Stampede, though. Baba brought Albright in as a new foreign star for his natives to fight- the big red singlet reminds me of Steve Williams, who was doing the same sort of thing. Terry Gordy had overdosed and went into a coma, so was just unable to manage. Albright has a way different style than most of All Japan’s big dudes, but that kind of thing itself can make a match interesting. Kawada being the #2 native against the big new signee was a pretty large deal.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have another doozy for you- Mark “Rollerball” Rocco versus a young, super-roided JUSHIN LIGER, as “Fuji Yamada” is the Heavy Middleweight Champion and takes on Rocco in another “World of Sport” rounds-based match. And this one is great! Speaking of great, how about some TOM MAGEE? Come see his last televised match, as “Mega Man McGee” takes on jobber Tim Horner in the WWF’s New England Sports Network show in 1989!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a mixed assortment of insanity! We start off with me finally remembering to check out more of Mark “Rollerball” Rocco, as he faces the DYNAMITE KID in the World of Sport UK style in 1982! Come see how slick and snug they kept their mat wrestling with two of the all-time greats of that style, before Dynamite was famous!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have a main event in any arena in the country for the featured match- OUTBACK JACK vs. FRENCHY MARTIN! Yes, the lowest heel on the WWF totem pole and the guy who was so bad they turned him into a jobber immediately after his debut, despite spending weeks building him up in vignettes to capitalize on Crocodile Dundee!

Next up, a very “2002 Era Hires” match sees Ohio Valley Wrestling showcase the new Disciples of Synn, Kevin “Seven” Thorn and Tyson “Travis Bane” Tomko, against “7 foot” Matt Morgan from Tough Enough, and Mark Henry when he was being punished for being fat! Another 1987 WWF match sees The Islanders & Sivi Afi against Slick’s wrestlers: The Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff & Butch Reed in a rare six-man on WWF television! Then it’s a dark match featuring YOKOZUNA just before he got that gimmick, as he wrestles his last match as “Kokina”, doing a Samoan Savage gimmick shortly before being repackaged. Then it’s 1999 WWF as Tiger Ali Singh works against Steve Blackman on Shotgun Saturday Night! Finally, WCW Saturday Night sees High Voltage return to Dream Matches, as they face “Hardwork” Bobby Walker and “Beautiful” Bobby Eaton, poor Bobby just slumming it as his career winds down.

OUTBACK JACK vs. FRENCHY MARTIN:
(WWF TV, March 14, 1987 probably?)
* OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! A match that couldn’t POSSIBLY be good! Infamous washout Outback Jack taking on “only good enough to be a manager” Frenchy Martin. Jack’s in light khakhis and boots, while Frenchy’s got a super-dated 1950s singlet on, with a physique that says “He mightg have been good 20 years ago”. You can tell commentary wasn’t told to put either guy over because Monsoon has no rebuttal for Heenan’s “well I call him Outhouse Jack” and suggests Outback’s haircut “is very economical- it probably didn’t cost him anything”.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I get to something that’s fascinated me for ages but I just never got around to- the great SmackDown! match between Kurt Angle and MART JANNETTY of all people in 2005! Watch as Jannetty proves he’s still got a lot left in the tank and puts on a phenomenal performance, immediately before proving he is still Marty Jannetty and ruining his career one more time!

Next up, it’s a rematch, as Demolition take on Paul Roma & Jim Powers in mid-1987! They’re not quite the “Young Stallions” yet, but the rookies are sorta being given a micro-push and even PROMO TIME! Then it’s all three matches the WWE Vault just uploaded of “Earthquake’s Dark Matches”!- come see him as John Tenta vs. Sam Houston in 1989, as flannel-wearing “Earthquake Evans” of the Yukon (with Slick as his manager) against Paul Roma later that same year, and as a much, much skinnier Earthquake in *2001* on a dark match before Sunday Night Heat! Then it’s Mortis vs. La Parka on WCW Pro in 1997!

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! Today I have a pair of brand-new additions from the WWE Vault on YouTube! First is a FAT MAN STAND-OFF as Earthquake returns to the WWF in 1994 to feud with Yokozuna, taking him on in a Sumo Match on WWF RAW! Come see the rules of sumo be used with a pro wrestling cadence! Next up is a dark match for SABU, as he enters 1993 WWF territory to take on Scott Taylor in front of a crowd that’s entirely unfamiliar with him!

WWF SUPERTAPE, Vol. 2:
* Hey everyone! I found a new tape to look up! With the Rockers! Akeem vs. Hercules! “Macho King” Randy Savage defends his crown against the former king “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan! The Rockers vs. The Powers of Pain, and then Greg Valentine & Dino Bravo! Bret Hart vs. Rick Martel! Demolition vs. The Orient Express! Akeem vs. Hercules! Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake vs. Mr. Perfect & The Genius! And Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Ravishing Rick Rude in a Steel Cage match! And HOLY SHIT the risks Rude takes in this one!

Sean Mooney narrates this tape, with the theme WAY too loud while he’s still talking. He proclaims that the cage match “ranks as one of the greatest moments in the WWF… and is not for the faint of heart”. Uh, okay. A booming voice repeats “SUPERTAPE!” in a recurring unfunny gag.

KING OF THE WWF MATCH:
“MACHO KING” RANDY SAVAGE (w/ Sensational Queen Sherri) vs. “HACKSAW” JIM DUGGAN:
* The Macho King, appearing during his post-Hogan era having taken Duggan’s crown, actually defends it here. Duggan is already in the ring by the time the tape starts. Savage comes out with gold regalia over his “all the neon colors” long tights, causing Duggan to do the “this ain’t NOTHING!” hand-sweep- I always love the four jobbers forced to carry him down and place the throne over the ring apron and guardrail. Duggan is hilariously taken aback by Savage’s “point, then thumbs down” gesture, and responds by hitting the floor and whipping the whole throne over! Thank goodness Savage is a good bumper, because he expertly hits his feet and puts his arm on the apron to guide his landing.

What an absolute monster, haha- jesus christ.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time I have a real treat, as someone has uploaded a video of SKINNY ANDRE- “Monster Rouimoff” in *1972* taking on Strong Kobayashi in an IWE Series Match! Just spectacular to see a guy Andre’s size doing a traditional NWA-style match while also throwing in tons of Coward Heel spots like a good gaijin menace, putting over his brave, noble Japanese opponent. It’s wild seeing just how athletic and quick he was at this point.

Then a tribute to the dear, departed legend SABU, as I was shown the weirdest possible match I haven’t yet covered- a 1993 FMW house show match against HAYSTACKS CALHOUN JR., an American indie worker who weighed 400+ lbs. And then it’s over to WCW, as they give poor Renegade the nastiest kiss-off ever as he faces Kevin Sullivan, who pins him handily and they ruin his gimmick and bury the shit out of him on national television! Yes, it’s the legendary “Now you’re just PLAIN OLD RICK!” match. Then it’s over to a terrible East Coast indie for a sad look at “The New Demolition”, as Ax teams up with BLAST (a fat nobody) against Mr. X and The Kodiak Bear, doing the most stalling EVER yet also impressing me with his indie goofball selling! Finally, WWF Prime Time gives us the other member of Demolition, REPO MAN taking on the recently-debuted Max Moon!

MONSTER ROUSIMOFF vs. STRONG KOBAYASHI:
(IWE World Series Finals, Japan, 5/6 1972)
* Oh yeah I absolutely HAD to touch on this one- YOUNG SKINNY ANDRE THE GIANT vs. Strong Kobayashi from 1972 Japan! Andre was only 26 years old here and looks it, with a body more similar to how Ernie Ladd looked- long and lean. He’s a bit soft in the tummy but nowhere CLOSE to as monstrous as he later became, but he still has that giant head and those enormous hands. Kobayashi is legit- I’ve seen a great match against Don Leo Jonathan that’s my favorite pre-1970 match so far (****). Andre, now “Monster Rousimoff”, is in black trunks while Kobayashi is in red, with those sideburns I see on Inoki from his ’70s era. Andre is more than a head taller than his opponent (who is a big dude by Japanese standards), with his then-trademark short afro.

You know you’re watching a masterful production when you can get screencaps like this.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have something a little different for you- OUTLAW MUDSHOW BULLSHIT!! Roy Lucier just uploaded some POS Florida indie running a show in a union hall, and OH MY GOD it’s a spectacular trainwreck, and exactly why these promotions are hated. It has the most glorious mix of “just-trained” nobodies with no Cagematch profiles and people who actually went on to do something in the wrestling business- people like Marc Mero, Debbie Drake (Malenko), Sandy Beach, LIGHTNING FOOT Jerry Flynn and Horace Boulder fill out a card that includes a ton of embarrassing, business-exposing losers. And you simply have to see Sandy wrestle Eddie Rose- it I swear to God makes the “My Vag Hurts!” match look like a masterpiece.

But I couldn’t do a column of JUST this awful show, so to fill it out, here’s Mortis vs. Juventud Guerrera on WCW Saturday Night in 1998, as Chris Kanyon finally gets a guy small enough where he can try ALL his silly bullshit movez on and just hammers them all out. Then it’s more of DEMOLITIONMANIA here on Dream Matches, as they get their first-ever big contest taking on The Islanders in early 1987.

MORTIS (w/ James Vandenberg) vs. JUVENTUD GUERRERA:
(WCW Saturday Night, 01/03/1998)
* Another one of those fantastic “Only in WCW” matches, it’s Mortis in the midst of his go-nowhere midcard run taking on a high-level luchadore! His mission now is to prove he’s “the best masked wrestler in WCW” and go through all the luchadores. Did that ever go anywhere? Juventud was one of the top lucha guys in WCW, but still had his mask at this point and wasn’t quite as pushed.

There’s nothing in wrestling quite like angry middle-aged women in the front row flipping heels the bird.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week, I have something inspired by a Scott Keith find from a couple months ago on the WWE Vault channel- the Road Warriors versus babyface STAN HANSEN & KING KONG BUNDY! At a big arena show in Georgia in 1984! Totally wild stuff!

Then it’s a look at more Demolition, as the team get another squash win in late 1987 that involves Billy Jerk Haynes & Ken Patera! Then it’s DETROIT DEMOLITION, as poor Randy Colley got dumped as a member of Demolition but got to keep the gimmick in the indies, wearing the same gear and facepaint as a filler midcard heel! Here he takes on Continental Tennessee Champion DOUG FURNAS in one match, then a 56-year old Rufus R. Jones in Puerto Rico in another, both in 1988! Finally, I suffer through two MORE Gangrel vs. Steve Blackman matches, this time while Steve is the Hardcore Champion and actually getting a bit of a push! While poor Gangrel ekes out the rest of his contrast with torn sleeves and his finisher being destroyed!

GEORGIA TAG TEAM TITLES:
THE ROAD WARRIORS (Hawk & Animal, w/ Paul Ellering) vs. STAN HANSEN & KING KONG BUNDY:
(Georgia Championship Wrestle, The Omni, Feb. 26th 1984)
* Dude, HOLY SHIT. This exists! So if you’re anything like me, you rightly have 200 tabs open at any given time, promising yourself that “I’ll get ot that one eventually”- this is just how a proper person conducts their business. And of course I eventually GET to some of them! Two months after the fact, I opened an unread BOD tab and there it was- a Scott Keith review that contained this very match! The WWE Vault YouTube channel posted the heel Road Warriors up against Hansen & Bundy of all people from 1984! And both of the latter were BABYFACES, no less! This is from a big arena show, but with no commentary and a single stationary cam.

More of Demolition & the WWF trying to figure it out with their facepaint. It’s changing every appearance, probably on purpose, but eventually they settle on a look.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! First off, it’s the most “1997 WCW” match possible, as Bobby Eaton, now a washed up star from the ’80s working third-tier shows, facing LA PARKA, one of the “second tier” of WCW’s luchadores! Then I check out more of DEMOLITION as they continue to work over their gimmick- Barry Darsow joins as the new Smash and suddenly they immediately figure it out in the ring, doing tons of clubbing blows. This features both a squash over the Pre-Young Stallions (Paul Roma & Jim Powers) in April 1987, then a match in October against Brady Boone & Scott Casey with an AMAZING post-match angle!

After that, it’s a request as Uncle Elmer of the WWF “Hillbilly” faction takes on BIGFOOT, aka journeyman loser Rip Morgan! Then a batch of matches by request, as it turns out that two of WWF’s “filler midcarders” had a TON of bouts in the Attitude Era: Gangrel vs. Steve Blackman! Two straight matches!

PS you have no idea how annoyed I am that WWE’s top angle is now John Cena vs. Randy Orton and I did their first match against each other in LAST WEEK’s column, haha.

LA PARKA vs. BOBBY EATON:
(WCW Saturday Night, Nov. 15th 1997)
* Now THIS is the WCW I know and love! A washed-up former great Southern wrestler who peaked in the 1980s as a tag guy doing a singles match with a crazy chair-wielding luchadore. Mulletted Eaton is a babyface slapping hands with the fans and wearing long black tights with stars on them.

Just AWFUL, haha. 

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This time, I have even more “Guys Workshopping Their Gimmicks” stuff, as DEMOLITION makes their WWF debut and it’s the only two televised matches featuring RANDY COLLEY as Smash! This apparently never worked out, as fans recognized him as a Moondog (ie. a JTTS) and he was swapped out for new hire Barry Darsow, and that was that. Here they take on what I think are higher-end jobbers Jerry Allen & Sivi Afi.

Keeping up with that theme, let’s check out some Ohio Valley Wrestling!! WWF’s Developmental Promotion has a bunch of future main eventers in it- the Tag Champions Brock Lesnar and Shelton Benjamin go up against the heels from last week’s column, Smooth Johnny Spade & Sly Scraper (Sylvester Terkay as a Bruiser Brody knockoff)! Then it’s the first ever JOHN CENA/RANDY ORTON match, as Orton takes on “The Prototype” in two separate matches! More of Danny Doring & Roadkill, as ECW’s rising midcarders try to take the ECW Tag Team Titles from the FBI (Guido & Mamaluke) in Mississauga, Ontario! Then one last Bilvis Wesley match as he takes on Steve Corino in the dying days of ECW!

DEMOLITION (Ax & Smash, w/ Johnny V) vs. SALVATORE BELLOMO & MARIO MANCINI:
(WWF Superstars, 1/17/87)
* Yes, someone uploaded the only two televised matches of MOONDOG REX “Smash”, back when the Demos were managed by Johnny V and had mostly black facepaint. Really hideous crap, too- it’s just sludgly black paint with tiny bits of other colors. Ax has YELLOW PAINT over one side of his mouth and Smash has a yellow forehead with blue hair. The story I always heard is that Rex (Randy Colley) was too recognizable as an ex-JTTS loser, and so got dropped. The Jobbers look HILARIOUS- Bellomo has a goofy red striped singlet on and a really broad torso while Mancini is just flabby and in red trunks.

Ax, nowhere near as roided as he’d later become, hammers the shit out of Bellomo and slams him, bringing in Smash for some right hands. Back to Ax, who bounces Bellomo around (great “stiff-body” bumps by Bellomo, looking helpless) but lets him tag out. Mancini fares no better, Smash skooshing his face into the mat repeatedly. We get an overdub by Finkel to hype things AND a Johnny V inset interview as it’s just an aimless brawl, but Mancini gets dumped so Ax can slam him on the floor. Smash with a double-axehandle and they debut Demolition Decaptiation to win at (3:46).