The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.06.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.06.96

I couldn’t deal with 1994 Superstars any longer, so let’s jump ahead a year and a half and see if things improve, or at least get more interesting.

Well the opener is now a country rock anthem so there’s that.

Taped from Bethlehem, PA, apparently during a blizzard that resulted in a crowd of 1500. So you see, it could get worse for AEW.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

Ahmed Johnson v. Jerry Lawler

No wait, Lawler has sadly suffered a crippling leg injury and is unable to wrestle. So instead Ahmed will be facing The Royal Spider.

Ahmed Johnson v. The Royal Spider

The Spider doesn’t pose much of a threat, as Ahmed powerslams him while Jeff Jarrett comes out to watch the match. Ahmed quickly chases him off as we’re teased with a Lawler & Jarrett tag team here in 1996 that was never delivered, and he goes back to beating on the Spider with the axe kick. Ahmed with a spinebuster and he finishes with the Pearl River Plunge at 2:05. And then Lawler abandons his Royal Spider and it turns out that he probably wasn’t actually injured at all. Huge if true.

ROYAL RUMBLE UPDATE! WITH HANDSOME DOX HENDRIX! Goldust quotes Sleepless in Seattle in advance of challenging Razor Ramon at the Rumble. Also promising young superstar DOUG GILBERT is entering the match in case you needed another reason to buy.

Isaac Yankem DDS v. Brian Walsh

Thankfully the idea of a wrestling dentist was never tried again after this. Yankem beats on Walsh in the corner and puts the boots to him before hitting a press slam. BREAKING NEWS: Vader has announced that he’s coming to the WWF, and AOL has exploded with excitement! Also Jim Ross wants to know who The Informer is, but Vince plays coy. That would be Vince Russo, I believe. So he was wise to claim ignorance. Yankem drops Walsh on the top rope and then goes up and guillotines him before finishing with a DDT at 2:44. Glen Jacobs was not so good at this point.

Razor Ramon joins us for a special interview with Mr. Perfect, who accuses Razor of being gotten to by Goldust. And gives him an “androgynous teddy bear” styled like Goldust, which disgusts Razor enough to end the interview.

Meanwhile, an excited Ted Dibiase promises to introduce his new Million Dollar Champion on RAW. Sounds like a stone cold winning gimmick.

Meanwhile, Rad Radford gets fired from the Bodydonnas after a storyline that mostly only ran on the B-shows.

Skip of the Bodydonnas v. Rad Radford

JR notes that maybe if Sunny’s mama had “taken her to the woodshed” a few times, she might have turned out a better person. Well she certainly can’t have turned out much worse. Trivia note: Rad’s babyface music here is the theme that went to the Headbangers when they debuted. So Rad clotheslines Skip to the floor, but he gets distracted by Sunny and Skip slugs him down to take over. Legdrop gets one. Rad escapes a chinlock and comes back with a rollup for two, and an exploder, but he misses an elbowdrop. Skip goes up with a fistdrop and that gets two as we take a break, with the hook being “Do people care about the outcome of a match between late era Chris Candido and Louie Spicoli?” Narrator: They did not. The match basically picks up where it left over, and we’re back with them fighting to the top rope and Radford brings him down with a superplex. He slugs away in the corner and makes the comeback with a german suplex for two. Skip takes him down in the corner and uses the ropes for two before getting caught, but he goes for a top rope rana and Rad fights him off. But then he gets distracted by Sunny again before hitting a spinebuster on Skip, and the ref gets rid of Sunny while the mysterious second Bodydonna, ZIP, debuts and drops an elbow on Rad to put Skip on top for the pin at 6:00. Well that’s historic. Spicoli was seemingly determined to make something out of this nothing match and it had some good stuff, but ultimately meant nothing for him. **1/2

Meanwhile, the man they call VADER is working out and getting ready to debut.

Meanwhile, some guy with a messed up ear wishes us a Happy New Year. Yeah that’ll put butts in seats.

Casket match: The Undertaker v. Mabel

From In Your House 5 for some reason. They showed this one here and the main event on RAW. Mabel attacks to start and slugs away in the corner, then follows with a corner clothesline. Mabel comes back with a Bossman slam, but Taker sits up, so Mabel gives him a FULL BODY LIFT AND SLAM. Astonishingly, Taker is able to sit up again after that, dodging a Mabel splash in the process, but Mabel hits a belly to belly and legdrop to put him down. And we take a break and return with Sir Mo trying to put Taker in the casket, but he forgets to close the lid and so Taker escapes. This is very scary to Mabel and he gives us his best acting to show that. Taker comes back with a chokeslam and Mabel takes a half-hearted bump, allowing Taker to shove him into the casket. Sir Mo attacks and tries to rescue his king, but Taker kicks his ass as well and rolls them both into the casket before stealing back his urn chain and closing the lid to win at 6:15. Vince confirms that reclaiming the chain will indeed fully restore his powers, and also grant him a WWF title match with Bret Hart at the Royal Rumble as a little known secondary power. This was god-awful. DUD

ROYAL RUMBLE UPDATE! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

As noted, Undertaker gets a shot at Bret Hart now, and Ahmed Johnson faces Jeff Jarrett.

Meanwhile, the RAW Bowl Queen is revealed to be spending time with Hunter Hearst Helmsley.

And finally, BILLIONAIRE TED’S RASSLIN’ WARROOM as we learn that Huckster and Nacho Man can’t do the array of powerbombs that WWF stars can do.

This was MUCH BETTER than the boring 1994 shows had gotten. Or at least more interesting, so I’ll take it.