The SmarK Rant for WWE Saturday Morning Slam – Episodes 2/3/4

The SmarK Rant for WWE Saturday Morning Slam – Episodes 2/3/4

Kind of forgot about this one, so here’s a few episodes to catch up again, since they’re nice and short.

Episode 2 – 09.01.12

Today! It’s a special look at WWE Superstar Autographs. You think Fightful puts up these kind of hard-hitting stories?

Fave Five: Top 5 Catchphrases

1. “If You Smell What the Rock is Cooking!”
2. “To Be The Man, You’ve Gotta Beat the Man!”
3. “I’m the Miz and I’m Awesome!”
4. “You Can’t See Me!”
5. “And That’s The Bottom Line Because Stone Cold Said So!”

Well aside from #3, it’s hard to argue with that list.

And now, we learn about the history of John Hancock and his outrageous signature, which leads to a discussion of wrestlers and their signatures. Derrick Bateman once signed a prosthetic leg, and Layla signed a little kid.

Pop Quiz! With Alex Riley!

OK, time to separate the men from the boys here.

Question 1:

“On March 26 2001, who beat Vince McMahon to the punch and signed on the dotted line to become the new owner of WCW?”

I’m gonna guess Ari Emanuel.

ANSWER LATER IN THE SHOW!

Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins

Josh Matthews talks about how Santino might have something in common with Clay because he uses the cobra and current theory is that snakes evolved from dinosaurs. Because Brodus is a funkasaurus. What kind of a dumb gimmick is a wrestling dinosaur? Hawkins challenges him to a dance contest and that goes badly for him, so he bails to the floor and Brodus slingshots him back in and gives him the airplane spin. So Hawkins takes a bump to the floor to recover while we take a break. Back with Brodus working a bearhug, but Hawkins takes him down and works the leg. Bet you didn’t see a mat based submission classic coming! Hawkins stops to bust some more moves, as the kids say, and goes back to the leg again, but Clay boots him to the floor and makes the comeback. This is the perfect match for Brodus, because it’s mostly him laying on the mat and selling the leg. The Dusty Rhodes Special they call it. Brodus with a couple of slams and an exploder, and the funky dinosaur splash finishes at 5:57. And then Santino is so excited by the post-match celebration that he rushes into the ring and dances with the large group of children who have suddenly appeared. Do they keep those poor kids under the ring with the tables and weapons? That seems dangerous.

POP QUIZ UPDATE!

Did you guess that SHANE MCMAHON was the one who bought WCW out from under Vince? Don’t lie, I’ll know. I may have installed some malware in the blog code that takes over your webcam and lets me monitor you. Some of you should really be ashamed of yourselves.

Rey Mysterio discusses the origins of the 619, which is apparently the area code for San Diego. We’re learning all kinds of information on this show. This is practically educational programming. Someone should give Vince a government grant.

Episode 3 – 09.08.12

Speaking of educational, it’s a special episode featuring the scholarly Damien Sandow.

Damien’s Dictionary:

In honor of back to school, Damien teaches us the meaning of “Matriculate”, “Sophomoric” and “Valedictorian”. I didn’t know you could graduate valedictorian from preschool but apparently Sandow did so. Huge if true.

To Be Continued!

Speaking of brains, we look back at Bobby Heenan, The Genius, and Dean Douglas. I love that they make sure to bury Shane Douglas as a loser even decades later on a show for kids. And of course, Matt Striker, who has retired as a wrestler and is trying out announcing.

POP QUIZ! What was the favorite subject in school for various WWE superstars?

Cody Rhodes loved American History. Zack Ryder got 100 on his Math finals. Kofi Kingston was into science. Miz might be the smartest man alive.

BE A STAR! CM Punk talks about his experiences being bullied and advises us not to be a bully. Oh man you can’t make up comedy like this if you tried.

Sin Cara v. Michael McGillicutty

William Regal joins us this week on commentary with Josh Matthews, bringing an additional air of class to this educational episode. We’re still on original recipe Sin Cara based on the lack of tattoos. DID YOU KNOW? Sin Cara translates to “Faceless”. I thought it meant “Jobless” based on Sin Cara’s career trajectory. Also we’ve got the yellow lighting going here to annoy a whole new generation of fans. Michael works a knucklelock but Sin Cara walks the ropes and flips him out of the ring to escape. He teases a dive and we take a break. Back with CM Punk warning us not to try what he does at home. Solid advice on many levels. Back with Michael coming back with an elbowdrop off the middle rope where the camera cuts to the crowd to disguise the strikes. Sin Cara with a rollup for two, but something happens which causes a cut to the crowd and Sin Cara is down. I’m assuming he pulled a 1970 Ford Fairlane hubcap out of his kneepad and knocked him silly with it. Sin Cara escapes a powerbomb attempt and comes back with a rana out of the corner to put McGillicuty on the floor, and he follows with a dive. Back in with a flying bodypress for two. La Mistica finishes at 6:38. I don’t think these two got the memo that they were supposed to be having a wacky match for kids. McGillicutty in particular was acting he was HHH or something out there judging by how seriously he was taking it.

BE A STAR! Treat others with respect and care. Like Alberto Del Rio and CM Punk do.

Damien Sandow’s final word of the day is “Curriculum”.

Man I feel so much more smarterer now.

Episode 4 – 09.15.12

This morning is a special international edition!

First up, we travel to South Africa with Justin Gabriel. Apparently WWE is huge in South Africa. I bet they were happy to play Sun City in the 80s. Vince probably got paid in blood diamonds.

Around the World in 40 Superstars as we learn the home countries of various WWE Superstars. Did you know Sheamus is from Ireland? The cheeky trip to Parts Unknown is a cute ending and this was a fun segment, actually.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Primo & Epico

Yup, it’s 2012 all right. Kofi and Truth are the current tag team champions although this is non-title. And we’ve got Santino back on commentary. Sadly no Rosa Mendes here because they probably didn’t want the kids asking questions about the funny feelings they were having. Kofi and Truth double-team Primo and backdrop him for two. Over to Epico and Truth gets some armdrags and then stops for a conversation with Little Jimmy to discuss strategy. Finally the ref has had enough and ejects Jimmy, sot he champs clear the ring and we get a dance break as we take a break. Back with Truth controlling Epico with his “athleticisms”, but Epico gets an abdominal stretch and Truth quickly escapes that. Epico cuts him off again with a bearhug, but Truth makes the hot tag and we cut away from whatever Kofi is doing. Boom Drop sets up Trouble in Paradise and we cut away again. Kofi misses a blind charge but comes back with a crossbody out of the corner for the pin at 6:47. The editing was so aggressively weird here that you could barely tell what was going on most of the time.

WWE In Taiwan! Well this happened.

Antonio Cesaro speaks 5 different languages and he teaches us how to say “Welcome Back to School” in all 5 of them. Being the worldly person I am, I can verify that he was correct.

Well that was a fun hour of TV. Still godsmacked to learn about that Shane McMahon thing.