The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 10.03.02

The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 10.03.02

Stephanie McMahon welcomes us to the show with a bizarrely-edited introductory video but she’s got a HELL of a lineup tonight.

Taped from Lafayette, LA, which is generally the home of my fake address when I’m using a VPN.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Tazz

WWE Tag team title tournament round one: Eddie & Chavo Guerrero v. Mark Henry & Rikishi

The tournament begins! Man those were some underrated nice looking belts. The big guys toss around the little guys to start, but Eddie evades Rikishi and evades his ass a few times. Over to Chavo, but Rikishi superkicks both guys and then Henry throws Chavo out. Back in the ring, Chavo clips the knee while Henry is doing reps on Eddie, and the Guerreros go to work on the knee. Henry uses some clubbing blows from the mat to escape and powerslams Eddie, but they take out the knee again and keep Mark in the corner. Interestingly, they do a rare cut to an angle with the commentary table in the background a few times, which makes it obvious that Cole and Tazz are not actually doing commentary live in the arena. Henry fights back but can’t make the tag, and Chavo smacks him in the knee with a chair behind the ref’s back, allowing Eddie to lock in the Lasso From El Paso to finish at 5:30. This felt like a rather dramatic step down for Eddie after the ladder match last week. **.

Meanwhile, Torrie Wilson introduces Billy & Chuck to her father…AL WILSON. And then Dawn Marie stops by and introduces herself as well. Sometimes you just recognize when you’re viewing wrestling history.

Meanwhile, Paul Heyman is aghast because Stephanie is forcing Brock to defend against Undertaker at No Mercy in a rematch, with a special stipulation we don’t know yet. But Matt Hardy stops by and promises that Undertaker won’t be there for the match after the Falls Count Anywhere match with himself later tonight.

Lugz Boot of the Week is Brock Lesnar hitting Undertaker in the head with the title belt. I feel like there’s some fundamental disconnect from the concept there. Like they couldn’t have found ONE PERSON doing a boot to the head from last week’s show?

Falls Count Anywhere: Undertaker v. Matt Hardy

Taker clubs him down right away and drops a leg on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and then runs Matt into the timekeeper’s table and then tosses him into the announcers to clear them out of the way. He goes for a chokeslam on the table, but Matt goes low, so Taker tosses him into the railing and clubs him into the front row. So they go brawling into the crowd until Matt tosses a drink at him and runs away backstage and we switch back there through the magic of a camera cut. Matt continues running away and can’t quite figure out the exit door, so he climbs on top of a cage instead and that allows Brock Lesnar the chance to attack. F5 on a literally bag of popcorn and Matt gets the pin at 4:50. And then Brock smashes a propane tank into Taker’s hand for good measure. Well Matt got a pinfall victory over Undertaker and you can’t take that away from him. This was more of an angle than a match, just a cookie cutter walk-and-punch brawl. *1/2

Survivor Series coming to MSG in November, along with Saliva! I paid real money for TWO Saliva CDs back in the day. True story. At least Josey Scott didn’t turn out to be a complete douchebag like Aaron Lewis.

WWE Cruiserweight title: Jamie Noble v. Crash Holly

They trade wristlocks to start and Noble sends him into the corner to work the back before choking him out on the ropes. Noble with the camel clutch, but Crash fights out of that and makes the comeback with some generic stuff. Nidia takes the ref but Crash reverses a rollup for two. Crash tries for a Styles Crash, but Noble grabs the ropes for the pin at 3:38. This was fine. **

Meanwhile, the idiot interviewer offends Kurt Angle by suggesting that he lost to Rey Mysterio last week, but Kurt points out that BENOIT lost to Rey, not him. And Angle is like a walking Renoir painting and the closest thing to perfection in the ring you can get. But this brings Edge over (can we still call him that in these?) and he brings up the sore spot of Angle’s bald head, which was thanks to him.

Kurt Angle v. Edge

Insane that Edge is coming back 7 days after destroying his neck in the Eddie match last week. And I’m sure they’ll totally take it easy on each other here and have a nice simple match. Kurt takes him down with a hammerlock to start but Edge goes to work on Kurt’s arm right away to counter. Kurt beats on him with forearms, but Edge goes back to the arm to frustrate Angle. He runs Angle into the post and sends him to the floor off that, but Angle comes back in and puts Edge on the floor with an Angle Slam over the top! Yeah, nice and easy match, like I said. Also Edge’s boot appears to be falling apart for some reason. Now there’s a man who’s not winning the Lugz Boot of the Week. Back in the ring, Kurt wins the Lugz Boot of the Week with a punt to the ribs to take over, and a snap suplex gets two. Edge fights back, but walks into an overhead slam out of the corner for two. Kurt with a chinlock on the mat but Edge fights out of that, so Angle goes to an adominal stretch (perhaps thinking he’s at WrestleDream) and Edge reverses out of that with a rollup for two. So Angle takes him to the mat with a bodyscissors to continue squeezing on the ribs, but Edge fights out and hits his own overhead suplex. Both guys are down and they get into a slugfest, but Edge makes the comeback with the faceplant for two. Superkick and he goes for the spear, but Angle suplexes him into the referee and everyone is out. Edge with the implant DDT with no ref, but Angle kicks him in the nuts and follows with the Angle Slam, which gets two thanks to a second referee. Anklelock, but Edge makes the ropes and bails to the apron before going to the top. Angle quickly brings him down with a superplex for the cradle pin at 15:40, but the other ref declares that Edge was the one who got his shoulders up first and thus is the winner. And then the refs brawl until a third ref comes out to referee the referees, and we take a break and return with the match which MUST CONTINUE.

Angle ties him up in the ropes and hits him with shoulderblocks, but he charges and lands on the floor, and then Edge spears him off the apron and he’s BUILDING MOMENTUM with a dive to the floor. Back in the ring with a missile dropkick for two. Edge O Matic gets two. Angle comes back with the rolling germans, but Chris Benoit comes out to provide some distraction and Angle does more suplexes to troll him. So Edge rolls up Angle for two, but Kurt clotheslines him down again and rolls him into the anklelock. Edge reverses him out of the ring, so Angle gets annoyed and grabs a chair, but Benoit steals that and Angle does a clown bump into his own chair and Edge spears him for the pin at 22:30. Look at Edge, out there putting out bangers with a twisted up neck in 2002. ****1/4. The storyline was of course the game of oneupsmanshp between Kurt Angle and Benoit, so I probably woudn’t want to be Kurt’s immediate family in 2007.

Meanwhile, Angle and Benoit are about to brawl in the dressing room, but Stephanie steps in and forces them to team up in the tournament or else be suspended for a year.

Meanwhile, Matt Hardy confidently lets Brock and Paul know that he’s the new #1 contender, given that Undertaker is unable to compete at No Mercy now. Huge if true.

Billy & Chuck v. Reverend D-Von & Faarooq

Billy & Chuck are now already wearing totally different gear and Chuck is growing his hair out again. Faarooq is subbing for Batista here for whatever reason, although I had though the team had already broken up like three times now. D-Von & Faarooq sneak attack Chuck and double-team in the corner and try the Whazzup on him, but D-Von hits his own partner with the headbutt in a dumb spot and it’s hot tag Billy. He runs wild with stuff, but walks into a double-team neckbreaker that gets two for D-Von. Chuck accidentally distracts the ref, and Faarooq hits Billy with a spinebuster to give D-Von the pin at 4:00. Pretty awful and I don’t remember anything from this tournament ouside of the finals. ½*

Meanwhile, Dawn Marie previews her bikini to Al Wilson. He seems to enjoy it.

Bikini contest: Torrie Wilson v. Dawn Marie

Shockingly, Torrie wins by popular vote of the crowd, so Dawn attacks her.

Meanwhile, Stephanie informs Brock that Undertaker’s hand is broken, so he asks for a THUMB WRESTLING match to settle things. Heyman laughs uproariously at his own joke, but Stephanie announces Hell in a Cell instead. I would have been intrigued by that thumb wrestling match, not gonna lie.

Chris Benoit v. Rey Mysterio

Benoit attacks and hits him with a backbreaker before whipping him into the corner. Rey tries a headscissors and Benoit just plants him back on his feet and disdainfully chops him. He tries a Splash Mountain off the top, but Rey reverses to a rana and rolls him up for two. Rey with the bulldog for two. Rey sends him to the floor and follows with a springboard senton to the floor, and back in for two. Back in, Rey tries another rana and Chris drops him with another backbreaker to counter and goes to work on him. Backdrop suplex gets two. Tazz sums up the dynamic here: “One guy from Edmonton where it’s real cold, and one guy from San Diego where it’s real hot.” Mind blown! Benoit wraps him up with a straitjacket hold, but Rey reverses to a sunset flip for two. Benoit goes back to the chops and I love how he shakes his hand after each one like “Damn, I hit this guy so hard that I hurt my own hand!” Benoit with a surfboard, but Rey tries to reverse to a rollup and Benoit drops him with a suplex for two. Lariat gets two as Tazz sums up Benoit: “He’s a miserable and angry man and that’s what I love about him.” Yeah about that. Rey fights back with a dropkick and they slug it out until Rey dropkicks him into the corner for a springboard moonsault that gets two. 619 is caught and Benoit hits him with a shoulderbreaker and goes up with the diving headbutt, literally ¾ of the way across the ring, and that gets two. Crossface, but Rey makes the ropes and dropkicks him in the back of the head to set up a springboard legdrop. Another 619 hits this time, but Kurt Angle pops up out of nowhere to trip up Benoit for good measure, and Rey finishes with the West Coast Pop at 11:00. You could tell how much Benoit liked working with him, he sold a ton for him here. ****. And then Angle and Benoit have another battle of the Bickersons after the match until the Usual Gang of Idiots pulls them apart to end the show.

Can’t argue with the match quality this week plus the debut of the most electrifying dad in sports entertainment.