Scott Hall & The Undertaker vs. Shinya Hashimoto & Masa Saito (and other Dream Matches!)

“Roidier Rick Rude” and “Skinny BabyTaker” fighting Japanese legends. Wrestling is beautiful.

Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have a SUPER wild assortment even by the standards of this column- The Undertaker & Scott Hall in Japan taking on a future megastar! The Quebecers in 1998 WWF! An impossibly shitty UK Indie match! A Goldberg squash! WOO, GO WRESTLING!

So first off it’s an IWGP Tag Title defense as Shinya Hashimoto & Masa Saito defend against… Scott Hall and Mark Calaway! Yes, it’s the Undertaker as “Punisher Dice Morgan” as he teams with another future big star (back when had your dad’s 1980s moustache) against Shinya before he was a god of New Japan and the former WWF Tag Champion, Masa Saito!

I follow that one with the Quebecers’ bizarre run in 1998 WWF, where they were a forgettable JTTS team at the peak of the business’s popularity, and they take on the “Funks”- Terry Funk and 2 Cold Scorpio! Then it’s over to the EWA as The Dirt Bike Kid, star of a previous “Anatomy of a Disaster” column, takes on Phil Powers in the UK! Finally it’s Bill Goldberg at the beginning of his jobber-destroying run taking on Power Plant musclefetishist’s dream Mike Tolbert, and “The Rocket” Owen Hart take on JTTS wunderkind, Blake Beverly, as I cap off all the Blake matches I can find on YouTube! Enjoy!

IWGP TAG TEAM TITLES:
SHINYA HASHIMOTO & MASA SAITO vs. SCOTT HALL & PUNISHER DICE MORGAN:
(New Japan, March 19th 1990)
* Oh man, HASHIMOTO vs. RAZOR & UNDERTAKER!?! This match exists?! Completely wild! So yeah, Punisher Dice Morgan is a big floofy-haired rookie Mark Calaway and his mustached “1980s Dad” partner is Scott Hall, who at this point was just a floundering big guy. The white guys are in matching black trunks. Shinya is so damn young and kinda… shapeless at this point, not having his giant meatbag titties at this point and looking more like 1988 Mick Foley, while Saito (a former WWF Tag Champion with Mr. Fuji) is this THICK midget with huge muscles- like this dude has zero neck whatsoever. And we do each country’s national anthems for this one.

Morgan & Saito start us off, and it’s immediately weird seeing Taker as this generic guy with no stage presence, just kinda randomly hitting his taunts in an awkward way. Morgan overpowers Shinya repeatedly, bowling him over with a shoulder and hitting his leaping clothesline, but Hashimoto blocks THE CLAW~~ and knocks him on his ass with a kick. The gaijin double-team Shinya and Hall works the leg, but Hashimoto reverses on Morgan and Saito kicks his ass, getting the crowd into it. Big lariat & slam and it’s funny seeing the huge Morgan be so easily beaten on, but Saito’s so big he could probably take him in a shoot. They take turns double-teaming each other and interfering, and they do lots of slow leg-work on Morgan until he uses the claw to fight out on Saito and quickly stuffs Shinya with one and drags him over to Hall, who hits the RAZOR’S EDGE for two. Wow, his killer move and he was doing it back then, but as an early-match move? He uses the scorpion deathlock (then a huge move of Riki Choshu’s so that’s weird) but now Saito runs in on him. Morgan with the Claw, but it’s sold mostly as a weardown hold so it’s not over, and they hit Demolition Decapitation on Shinya and just kinda continue the beatdown.

The gaijin hit a double-boot to knock Hashimoto back but Saito gets tagged in and immediately takes over on Hall, doing a good job in believably powering him over despite the huge size difference- hiptoss! backdrop! lariat! Hall tries a headlock but immediately gets backdrop suplexed to a pop (remember, that’s a huge move in Japan), getting his foot on the ropes at “2”. Hashimoto adds a running bodyslam & elbow after some stiff kicks, then a chinlock spot where Hall doesn’t really fight up so much as gets up and shoulder-tosses him over to the corner so Morgan beats on him and reapplies the claw until Hashimoto throat-thrusts out. But Saito comes in and immediately gets clawed, too and that move’s just not over. But Hall comes in for some beats and Saito finally Hulks Up to get the fans into it, pounding Hall down to applause but Hall just hits the abdominal stretch and Hashimoto kicks him. Morgan adds another jumping clothesline and they tag off and are still just doing early-match bullshit super-late into it. Like, Hall now does a BOSTON CRAB. But then the crowd wakes up when huge-ass Morgan hits the Ropewalk, slamming down on Saito. But Saito ducks Hall and lariats him down- Morgan saves and Hashimoto kicks him down and they hit a whip into a roundhouse kick on Hall- same result and Hashimoto superkicks Morgan out and a double-suplex into Shinya’s Floatover DDT crushes Hall, and he finishes him off with a Roundhouse Kick at (15:56)- Shinya pins Hall.

This was a pretty middle of the road tag match for the most part- some good stuff but it had a lot of that “you do stuff, then I do stuff” thing without a lot of match flow. Taker was new and Hall was still working the kinks out 6 years in, and they didn’t have their timing down (who does the Razor’s Edge 5 minutes in for a nothing 2-count?), and the lack of real heat sequences or big rivalries and “can you top this?” kept any real story from developing. And it was LONG and they never really picked up the pace and decided to ramp it up until the absolute last minute. So it’s mostly pedestrian and “just okay”. Might be a language issue, plus the weaknesses of the gaijin (Morgan being so young and spamming the dumb clawhold didn’t help- they treated it like such a generic weardown move that it ended up not being over at all).

Rating: **1/2 (fine and not awful, but pedestrian and often quite boring)

“Blue Singlet Era” Quebecers is so weird.

THE QUEBECERS (Jacques Rougeau & Pierre Carl Ouellet) vs. TERRY FUNK & 2 COLD SCORPIO:
(WWF RAW, April 18th 1998)
* Oh man, this is weird. Right in the midst of the Attitude Era and we get the odd “Funk-Squared” team (but Flash has become 2 Cold again), and it involves the QUEBECERS, who had randomly jumped from WCW to the WWF for a second run, but as a midcard loser team in blue singlets. They did NOT last very long, to the point where I have no lasting memories of the team aside from that they were there at one point (I woulda told you it was 1997 and only for a month if you’d pressed me). Terry comes down in his black & white striped tights and Cactus Jack’s theme song, but… oh, it’s the week after WrestleMania and Cactus Jack “quit” on RAW, and Terry talks shit about him and calls 2 Cold out as his partner. “THERE’S A FUNK! THERE’S A FUNK! RIGHT THERE!”. 2 Cold has a “Funk” t-shirt on and his orange tights.

Terry immediately gets jumped by the Quebecers, already in the ring, but fires back on Pierre and Scorpio gets the hot tag to a lukewarm reaction at best (he was not in a high spot in the card, especially then). He gets crotched up top and Pierre shows the stuff that made him a big deal in the indies eons later with an overhead belly-to-belly superduperplex. He roars and draws only boos, and the Quebecers drop Scorpio on the top rope neck-first and immediately set up their finisher (Pierre being rocket launched off the top for a somersault senton), but Pierre splats on the mat, Terry takes out Jacques, and 2 Cold hits the 450 Splash for the pin at (2:13). Hahahahah the former Tag Champions went down in TWO MINUTES. Attitude Era, everyone!

This kind of shows you how the AE really went as far as in-ring style went- every single move was a strike except for Pierre’s big move and 2 Cold’s finisher- the Quebecers had to bounce around for 2 Cold’s stuff off the hot tag, Pierre hit a huge move to crickets as his only actual offense, and then missed his finisher and got pinned. Total jobber performance. At least it puts over the new team, such as it was (I also don’t remember Terry & 2 Cold much).

Rating: 1/4* (I mean, that was a neat suplex. And the finish would have been fine after 10-minute competitive match)

THE DIRT BIKE KID vs. PHIL POWERS:
(EWA, England, 1998)
* Oh yeah, it’s MORE DIRT BIKE KID, as I watch another disastrous match featuring the “so bad he needed to found his own indie to get work” dirtbiking-gimmick guy. This is from 1998 in Walthamstow, the most English town name I’ve heard in a while (throw in a “shire” suffix and you’d have it). The commentator’s foreignlandian accent is nigh-impenetrable to my ears- it’ll be somewhat fine and then it turns into andeyaphilpowersnthedairtbaikkidawlfixesmselvehkenny and the other guy says nawehfixesmntpahst and shit. SPEAK ENGLISH! Phil is even shorter than DBK, with green trunks and “Ultimate Warrior” tasseled boots. They’ve met before according to commentary. They do prerecorded comments and the interviewer looks all of fourteen years old, haha.

Things look fine with Powers on offense, doing a go-behind, suplex and some shots, but Dirt Bike Kid ducks a clothesline and comes back with his own, which is clearly out of position as he just runs into him chest-first with his arm outstretched. THAT’S YOUR FIRST MOVE! HOW DO YOU FUCK UP YOUR FIRST THING?! Then he hits a slam and a flying splash (lol how is Powers so beat up already he just lies there for a top-rope move?). He manages a hooking clothesline and a release German suplex then just… lets him get up. A knucklelock turns into a slam but he misses a legdrop and Powers misses a 2nd-rope something- man they keep doing slams to set up EVERYTHING. The “Pistol Piledriver” gets two, but Powers ducks another lethal clothesline and hits his own, DBK selling with the single worst attempt at a Jannetty 360-flip sell I’ve ever seen. Powers capitalizes with a feather-light missile dropkick, looking like he just lightly pressed his feet against the Kid’s chest, so naturally it’s time for this barely-trained dweeb to attempt a SHOOTING STAR PRESS, and that goes about as well as you’d expect- he doesn’t rotate all the way so essentially takes a giant bump to the back of his neck and head, nearly Brock Lesnaring himself. Dirt Bike Kid, who was dodging the move anyways, doesn’t see the landing and so pops right up to hit a “bridging” German suplex for the pin at (3:40).

hahaha oh my god these guys are so bad. I fucking love it- they clearly don’t know what they’re doing, as they just weakly hit basic stuff and then start trading finishers after 40 seconds of perfunctory nothing. DBK is so awful he can’t even hit clotheslines right, often charging straight into his opponent instead of using his arm, and they’re just spamming bodyslams to “justify” their flying moves and awkwardly letting the other guy recover because they probably planned it out ahead of time and don’t know how to transition between moves.

Now, it’s obviously “punching down” to decry an indie dipshit like I would a WWF or WCW guy, but… ah fuck it, he sucks, haha. And RVD & Sabu are on this same card, so it’s not JUST newbies! DBK is very clearly a guy who WANTS to be a wrestler, but didn’t put in any of the training or weightlifting required to be actually athletic, because he’s “just some guy” athletically, hitting moves the way my 41-year old ass would do them with no training. Powers seemed a bit better- he didn’t have much of a look but was at least “I’ve gone to the gym once” athletic… but not as athletic as he WANTED to be, attempting one of the riskiest moves in wrestling and nearly killing himself. That was probably the planned finish judging how quickly DBK capitalized (with no time to go “I’m fucked- just pin me” or stalling because the other guy was hurt- no way could DBK have known from his angle).

Rating: DUD (I almost gave it a pity quarter-star but they screwed up SO MUCH)

I have an odd fascination with WCW Power Plant jobber Mike Tolbert, which is in no way related to his incredible physique, to which I am not attracted. At all!

BILL GOLDBERG vs. MIKE TOLBERT:
(WCW Saturday Night, Jan. 24th 1998)
* Yes, it’s more GOLDBERG SQUASHES!!! Except this is super-duper early in Goldberg’s run, so he’s “just some big guy” and only slightly over, coming to the ring with a plain look on his face. It’s a POWER PLANT SHOWDOWN between two muscular guys in small black trunks, Tolbert being uber-roided and puffy as hell.

Tolbert immediately jumps in on Goldberg as he gets into the ring, but Bill just fires off a few knees, shoots him off the ropes and it’s the Spear into the Jackhammer at (0:26)! Goldberg wins already! See this is the kinda shit that got him over. He still doesn’t have his whole kit laid out (no sparklers, smoky breath, perfunctory legroll, snapping and twitching, etc.), but he just spears a dude, roars, then finishes him in seconds like a monster.

Rating: DUD (lol)

“THE ROCKET” OWEN HART vs. BLAKE BEVERLY:
(WWF French Exclusive)
* A rare “French exclusive” (I recognize Ray Rougeau on commentary), with a pair of tag guys fighting. Owen’s in his blue singlet gear at this point, while Blake is manager-free and in the mostly purple gear.

They do basic character stuff to start, Blake being a dick and paying for it, then he gets his arm worked- he misses a charge in the corner but avoids a dropkick and takes over. He stalls and works the throat, then dodges a shoulder charge and Owen posts himself. Black hammerlocks him and shoves him into the corner to capitalize, but then just does a chinlock as this is very lazy. Owen fights out with zero fanfare but takes a neckbreaker, but Blake just casually leans back so only gets two. Owen gets a crossbody out of an International but Blake dives on for a chinlock again, but eventually runs into a boot in the corner and Owen gets a very loose bulldog, then a back body drop & dropkick for two. A Russian legsweep gets the same, but then Owen hurts his knee off a leapfrog… but REVEALS HE WAS FAKING, schoolboying Blake for three (6:32)! hahaha, these fuckin’ Hart boys and their trickery.

Oh man this was so lazy and basic. It was technically FINE but Blake was the only one doing character stuff and it mostly came off as stalling and filler while Owen just blankly did everything- a chinlock didn’t even lead to a fan reaction; he just got up. Most of the match was like that, Blake leading with chinlocks and the rest being simple armholds and loose offense, just takin’ it easy (Owen might’ve been looking to the firefighter job around this time). The finish was funny but not really decisive- back in those days Blake typically just ate a finisher clean, so it’s a bit odd seeing Owen reduced to trickery to defeat a tag guy, but the Hart boys play that way. Bret made the goldbricking routine a semi-regular spot.

Rating: *1/2 (technically fine but very soft, loose and lazy)