The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 09.23.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 09.23.23

Live from Grand Rapids, MI

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Nigel McGuinness

TNT title: Luchasaurus v. Darby Allin v. Christian Cage

Christian opts to be a manager at the start and goes to the floor, but Darby throws powder in Luchasaurus’s face and hits Cage with a dive, and back in for two. Christian necks him on the top rope, however, and Darby takes a crazy bump off the apron and lands on the floor, allowing Luchasaurus to maul him out there. Back in the ring, Cage chokes out on Darby and sits him on a chair, backwards so that he can relate to all the kids, and the heels double-team him and toss him for a trip into the stairs. Back in the ring after throwing him around some more, and Christian beats on him with chops before missing a charge. That allows Darby to make a comeback, but Luchasaurus beats him down again and steps right on the taped back. Luchasaurus charges and hits the post, and then Cage misses a charge and Darby rolls him up for two. Darby with the Scorpion Deathdrop and he goes up, but Luchasaurus pulls Cage out and Darby hits them both with a coffin drop to the floor. Back in, Luchasaurus catches Darby in a chokeslam, but Darby counters with the stunner. But then another chokeslam sends Darby to the floor and Luchasaurus actually gets to hold his title for the first time. So this prompts some issues between himself and the rightful champion before he finally hands it over. Darby steals the belt, however, and hits Luchasaurus for two. To the top for the coffin drop, but Christian steals the pin and the title at 10:06, which is weird because I was under the impression that he was already the champion but I just typed that sentence so I guess it’s true. And he still makes Luchasaurus hug it out and celebrate him with. Nigel: “As long as he gets his food in the bowl tonight he’ll be fine.” Match had its moments but was mostly just heat on Darby. **1/2

Meanwhile on Rampage, the Don Callis Family attacks Chris Jericho, but Kenny Omega makes the save to reunite the Winnipeg Golden Jets and they issue the challenge for WrestleDream. But Don isn’t worried, because Kenny and Ibushi’s love just makes them WEAK. And Don also has Will Ospreay. Yeah that’s gonna be a banger.

RVD & Hook v. Daddy Magic & Cool Hand Angelo

Hook takes Daddy Magic down and works the arm to start, but Parker makes the save and Anna Jay adds some distraction to allow 2.0 to take over. Hook brings in RVD, however, and he also gets double-teamed before rolling up Menard for two. Rob kicks Parker out of the ring and the JAS has a conference, but Rob pretends to dive and freaks them out. Back in the ring, the crowd demands an update on Daddy Magic’s nipples, but he rudely ignores them and lays out Hook before putting the boots to him. Parker with a dropkick for two. Magic with a chinlock on Hook and Parker tries a double-team, but Hook fights them off. But Parker tackles Hook before he can make the hot tag, so Hook tosses him with a suplex and it’s hot tag RVD. Rolling Thunder on Parker gets one, but Daddy Magic saves. This brings Hager in with a chair, but he takes the Van Daminator and Hook chokes out Parker while Rob finishes Daddy Magic with the frog splash at 8:20. This was about what you’d expect given the participants, like something you’d see main eventing an indie show. Which is fine. **1/2.

Meanwhile, Eddie Kingston challenges Shibata for WrestleDream, offering to put up both of his new titles.

Meanwhile, the Kingdom discusses the importance of neck health awareness month. And next week they’ll face Best Friends and it’ll be piledrivers in support of neck health.

Julia Hart v. Kiera Hogan

Damn, 30 years later and we’re FINALLY getting Hart v. Hogan! This was supposed to be Willow but I’m assuming she’s got Covid like everyone else at the moment. They write her out with an off-screen attack and there’s not even footage so whatever it was must have been last minute. Kiera attacks to start, but Julia steps on the braids and beats her down. Julia with a suplex and she beats Hogan down on the mat and goes to a chinlock. Kiera makes a comeback and Julia cuts her off with a drop toehold into the corner, and then wraps her up with Hartless for the submission at 3:30. I have to imagine the other match 30 years ago would have gone roughly the same way. Julia is still improving but this was a complete squash. ½*. Skye Blue tries to save but gets misted for her troubles. And then Brody does a promo on Julia’s behalf and challenges Kris Statlander for the PPV.

Meanwhile, the Righteous become the #1 contenders to the ROH tag team titles on Rampage. That doesn’t particularly feel like a PPV-worthy match.

Jay White v. Andrade El Idolo

They fight for the lockup while Cardblade joins us on commentary, and Andrade grabs a headlock while Juice gets himself over at ringside. Andrade gets distracted by the Club and White gets his own headlock. Andrade sends him to the floor and back in with a crossbody to set up the Three Amigos. White cuts him off and goes up, but Andrade dropkicks him to the floor and then back in the ring for two. Andrade misses a charge and White DDTs him for two (Juice: “LIKE A STACK OF DIMES, ANDRADE!”). Not cool of Juice to be mocking Andrade’s neck during Neck Health Awareness Month, bro. White sends him to the apron and runs him into the railing. Juice: “OH MY GOD, WE’RE WINNING!” Jay suplexes Andrade onto the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and Juice does what sounds like Speedy Gonzales cosplay. Geez now he’s mocking Hispanic Awareness Month too. The man has no shame. Back in, White with a dragon screw to work the knee, and Juice makes an instant medical diagnosis of a torn ACL. Nigel: “He also told me he was a chiropractor, but then I found out he was just pulling my leg.” You see what you’re missing when you’re watching on TNT like a schmuck? I’d pay extra just to have Juice Robinson do commentary from ringside on all the matches. White with a chinlock and Andrade fights out of that and gets a small package for two. White dropkicks the knee again to put him down and beats on him with chops, but they clothesline each other for a double down. They trade chops and Andrade gets his own dragon screw to come back and puts White down with a flying forearm. Andrade with the double knees, but Bullet Club rescues Jay and Andrade moonsaults them. Back in, the double moonsault gets two. They trade sleeper attempts and White hits him with more chops, but Andrade lays him out with a big boot. White manages to suplex him to the floor, and back in for two off that before he goes to a chinlock. White yanks on the knee in the corner, but also yells in pain from his own knee injury, and Andrade hits him with a running elbow for two. Andrade with the double knees and the hammerlock DDT, but Juice puts White’s foot on the ropes at two. Andrade goes to finish with the figure-four, but the Gunns take the ref and Juice manages to stomp Andrade and nails him with the Collision Cowboy Of The Month award, allowing Jay to finish with the Blade Runner at 16:31. This was pretty awesome and gets an extra ½* for Juice Robinson being Juice Robinson. ****

Meanwhile, on Grand Slampage, Mike Santana has words with Ortiz, who still does not have a first name, but definitely holds a grudge.

AEW World tag team title: FTR v. Anthony Henry & JD Drake

Henry takes Cash to the mat and rolls him up for two. Over to Dax, who trade shoulderblocks with Drake while KK puts over JD’s bowling prowess. They trade chops and Drake gets a slam and a headbutt for two. Double-team in the corner and Drake with a senton for two. Over to Henry and he beats on Dax with kicks, but Dax drops him with a brainbuster. But the Horsemen double-team Dax again and Drake hits a moonsault for two while Henry dives onto Cash. You can’t say that FTR isn’t giving these geeks every bit of offense humanly possible. But finally Dax powerbombs Drake and taps him out with the Sharpshooter at 4:43. Well that was certainly different from what I was expecting. **1/2. And then Aussie Open hits the ring and cuts a promo in Australian.

Meanwhile, CJ is here to talk about her managing career, but Miro interrupts and he doesn’t want to be tempted by her any more. So she tells him to back off and not bother her or anyone she manages in the future.

Texas Death Match: Bryan Danielson v. Ricky Starks

They trade chops to start and Ricky slugs away in the corner, but Bryan tosses him and hits him with a dive, before crotching him on the railing and sending him into the crowd for a brawl. They fight up the stairs while Bryan beats on him with kicks in various locations, but Starks tosses him into the front row and then dives from the top rope and into the crowd in an incredible spot. Bryan responds with more violent violence and headbutts him repeatedly on the announce desk before hauling Starks back in the ring for a bow and arrow hold. Starks escapes and nails him with the ringbell to take over again, busting him open in the process. Man, if you’re nicknamed the Dragon, you really need to be careful around ringbells. Starks beats on the cut and smashes a chair into Bryan’s knee before choking him out with the chair. He tries a Pillmanizing, but Pillman is no longer around so Danielson fights it off and beats on Starks with the chair to set up a superplex attempt. But then Starks bites the cut to block that. Danielson keeps coming with a spider suplex and hits Starks with a missile dropkick to follow, and then beats on him with kicks to put him down. Starks counters the bu saiku knee by throwing a chair at his face, and yeah that works. Ricky retrieves a strap from under the ring, and beats on Bryan with that. Nigel: “He was married in 2014 so he’s already been whipped for nine years now.” So that’s not enough and Starks finds a chain under the ring while Nigel makes the obvious chain wrestling joke, and Starks slugs away on Bryan with that. Danielson fights back with a superkick and they beat on each other with chops until Starks puts him down with a spear and chokes him out with the chain. We get a count on Bryan as I had totally forgotten about that stip, and Bryan beats the count at 8. Next up, Starks hangs him with the chain, but Danielson flips out of that to escape and takes Starks down with the Lebell lock. Starks tries to tap out but you can’t, so Bryan chokes him out with the chain instead and Starks manages to power up and escape that. So Bryan just MURDERS him with forearm shots and headbutts, and then hits him with a bu saiku knee and then KICKS HIS FUCKING HEAD IN on the chair. Starks won’t stay down, so Bryan wraps the chain around his own knee and hits another bu saiku knee and Starks is DONE at 20:00. I think I short-changed their All Out match so here’s a make-good from me. *****

HOT DAMN what a second hour they put on here. First hour was pretty decent too and really only the women’s match was a clunker.