The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 08.22.02

The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 08.22.02

Taped from Fayetteville, NC

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Tazz

Brock Lesnar joins us to start, and Michael Cole can TASTE Summerslam. Apparently it’s going to blow Nassau Coliseum off of Long Island! That sounds like a terrorist threat to me. So Paul E points out that Rock is the biggest star in WWE, the biggest star in the history of Smackdown, the #1 action star in Hollywood today, and the Undisputed champion…but all that used to apply to Hulk Hogan until Brock destroyed his career. And people are BOOING Brock Lesnar because of jealousy. Not me, I’m saying “Boo-urns”. Anyway, Paul is going to instruct Brock to do the same thing to Rock at Summerslam that he did to Hulk, but first Brock is going to get a piece of the Rock TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING. And Brock is going to make Rock cry like a little bitch, which of course brings Rock out to retort to all this unfettered shit talking. Rock has repeatedly instructed Brock to bring it, and Brock has brought NOTHING. So the Rock will henceforth be bringing it to Brock instead. But before anything can be brung, Eddie and Benoit jump him and Benoit puts Rock in the crossface while Brock laughs at him. Man Rock ends up in that position a lot lately. Brock was definitely in Rock’s head at this point.

Meanwhile, Edge arrives, but Eddie and Benoit attack HIM too! My, someone’s in a mood tonight.

Hurricane & Shannon Moore v. Jamie Noble & Tajiri

Moore works on Tajiri’s arm to start and takes him down with armdrags for two, and they do the backslide/legdrop combo to set up a flying bodypress from Hurricane for two. Over to Noble and Hurricane hits him with a shining wizard for two, and then Shannon snaps off a rana to put Noble on the floor and follows with a dive. But then Nidia distracts Moore with her feminine wiles, allowing Tajiri to hit him with a high kick as the heels take over. Cole: “I’d like to know what’s going on in that trailer between Noble and Tajiri and Nidia.” Ew, don’t make it weird. Tajiri with the handspring elbow, but Moore catches it and suplexes him, and it’s hot tag Hurricane. Hurricane with a blockbuster for two, but Noble escapes the chokeslam and so they double-team him with a neckbreaker instead. That gets two. Tajiri catches Moore in the Tarantula while Hurricane hits Noble with the Eye of the Hurricane, but Tajiri takes Hurricane to the floor. Noble tries to powerbomb Moore, but he reverses to a sunset flip for the upset pin at 5:20. So they clear the ring and stand triumphant, but then Matt Hardy comes in way after the fact and steals the spotlight. This team has been a lot of fun. ***

Meanwhile, Stephanie has had enough of Benoit and Eddie attacking the Rock and jeopardizing HER Summerslam main event, so either they need to back off or get a pay cut. Benoit points out that they were fine with them destroying the Rock last week, but apparently that was “in a competition environment” so it’s different. Or, and follow along with me here, she’s just a hypocrite. Jesus, she was so annoying at this point that I’m defending CHRIS BENOIT. But in the middle of Stephanie dressing them down, Edge returns and attacks, laying them both out and demanding a tag team match TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING.

Meanwhile, Matt Hardy bets Hurricane that if he goes to the ring right now, people will give him a reaction DOUBLE that they got. So he gets the sound guy to hit his music and heads out, does some of his goofy poses, and finally Chavo interrupts. He thinks Matt is just trying to suck up to North Carolina and he wants a match to prove it.

Matt Hardy v. Chavo Guerrero

Matt slugs away in the corner (“They did it, Cole! Fayetteville can count to 10!”) but Chavo takes him down and Matt bumps to the floor. Chavo works on the back and brings him back in for a slingshot splash before putting the boots to him in the corner. Chavo with a backdrop suplex for two. He works on the back with an Octopus hold and rolls him up for two, but Matt reverses for two. Matt with the Side Effect for two, but he walks into a boot in the corner. Another Side Effect gets two. Has he EVER pinned anyone with that move? Serious question. Matt with a powerbomb and he goes up for the yodelling legdrop, but Kane’s pyro hits and everyone is all distracted, allowing Chavo to get a rollup for the pin at 4:30. Oh man, beating guys in their hometown again, typical. Matt argues to the ref that an explosion in the arena automatically means that the match is a no-contest, and he’s getting screwed even worse than Bret Hart in Montreal. **

Meanwhile, Funaki continues his quest to be a hard hitting journalist by taking us into the Women’s locker room for the first time ever. Nidia isn’t bothered, but Molly Holly is deeply offended by her loose morals. So Nidia promises to flash the crowd if she wins tonight. Guess Funaki got the scoop after all.

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle stops by during Rey Mysterio’s promo, and tells him to pull up a booster seat and watch the beating he’s going to deliver to Billy Kidman tonight. Oh, and if Kurt even sees Rey’s MASK out there tonight, he’ll break his freakin’ ankle at Summerslam.

Kurt Angle v. Billy Kidman

Kidman hits a rana, but runs into an elbow in the corner and Angle destroys him with the triple germans. But then Rey pops up on the ramp and Kurt gets all flustered and chases after him, before beating the count at 8. Back in the ring, Angle suplexes Kidman again and puts the boots to him in the corner, and a backbreaker gets two. Kidman comes back with a headscissors to put Angle on the floor, but some guy at ringside is wearing a Mysterio mask and Angle slaps him around to make sure he’s not Rey. So Kidman comes back with a dive, but Angle beats him down in the ring again, and Kidman fights back again with a rolling cradle for two. Kidman with a bulldog out of the corner for two and he reverses a double leg into a DDT for two. Victory roll gets one, but Angle reverses him into the anklelock. Kidman escapes with an enzuigiri and goes up, but Angle pops up with the superplex for two. Angle Slam is reversed by Kidman and the ref is bumped as a result, leaving Angle on the floor. So Angle grabs a chair and Kidman dropkicks it back in his face for two. Kidman with another bulldog, but Angle turns the momentum into an Angle Slam, only for Rey to run in and hit Angle with a rana. So he runs away and Angle chases AGAIN, and this time Kurt doesn’t beat the count and Kidman wins by countout at 8:19. I’m sensing a theme for this episode with all the upsets. Also where did THIS Kidman come from all of a sudden? ****. But then Angle beats on Kidman and Angle Slams him over the top rope to take out his aggression a bit.

Meanwhile, the Rock gets taped up by the trainer after Benoit’s attack.

Meanwhile, we get an awesome video about Brock’s workout routine, once again reinforcing that Brock is a goddamn freak of nature. THIS is what sold Summerslam.

Meanwhile, Edge checks in with Rock and helps out with the catchphrases, which amuses the Rock.

Rikishi & John Cena v. Reverend D-Von & Batista

Well I guess D-Von and Batista worked out their differences after fighting last week. I’m sure it’s fine. D-Von slugs Cena down and makes it a lesson for Batista, but Cena comes back with a clothesline and Rikishi comes in and legdrops D-Von. D-Von dodges a charge and brings Batista in, and Dave takes over with a clothesline and slugs away in the corner. Rikishi fires back and hits a samoan drop, and it’s BONZO GONZO as Cena takes out D-Von. Rikishi with Cheeks of Fire on Batista to set up the Stinkface, but D-Von saves. So Rikishi hits him with a DDT and puts D-Von into Stinkface position, but D-Von getting sacrificed allows Batista to lay out Rikishi from behind. So D-Von is pretty upset about getting a faceful of ass and takes it out on Batista, and that proves to be a very bad idea. And Batista leaves him dead and laying, allowing Rikishi to finish with the butt drop at 5:42. Cena didn’t have much in the way of agency in this one and you can feel him fading fast already. *1/2

Meanwhile, Noble encourages Nidia to give a security guard a “sneak preview” of the next match.

Women’s title: Molly Holly v. Nidia

Apparently Noble and Nidia are hosting Summerslam at WWE’s money laundering operation masquerading as a restaurant, which has Tazz so excited that he’s going to call Joey Numbers to spread the word. How come Tony Khan didn’t sign Joey Numbers to work as a producer, I wonder? Molly works a headlock to start, but Nidia rolls her up for two and gets a backslide for two. Small package gets two. Slingshot into the corner gets two. Molly misses the handspring and Nidia DDTs her for two. They fight to the top and Molly puts her down and finishes with the Molly Go Round at 3:30. They were doing for the old trick of trying to build heat for the match by promising the fans something they’d never get, but it didn’t work in this case. So then Noble tells Nidia to strip anyway because she’s still the best, but Molly breaks it up and tells her to keep her clothes on. Noble was actually being a very supportive partner there. Match was OK. **

Stephanie McMahon joins us, thankfully reduced to a tolerable amount of screen time this week. She promises that “our Smackdown stars” will steal the show at Summerslam. Again, why would you want to make your fanbase choose between the shows? We’ve learned time and again after this that there’s far more money in just branding everything as WWE.

Chris Benoit & Eddie Guerrero v. Edge & The Rock

Kind of funny how Benoit is acting as a surrogate for Brock in the buildup to Summerslam, working the matches with Rock while Lesnar does other stuff. Edge charges in for the attack to start and gets double-teamed, but thankfully Rock makes his entrance at a decent time instead of waiting for 5:00 like he usually does. I mean, it’s a taped show, maybe they edited out 5:00 of beatdown, I dunno. Edge slingshots the heels into each other and gets two on Eddie. Benoit comes in and beats on Edge with the chops, but Edge fires back with his own and flapjacks him for two. I always forget that they went on to be tag team champions together. And I mean, I probably shouldn’t forget because I was literally in the arena when it happened. Eddie gets a cheapshot and they take over on Edge, and Eddie puts him down with a back elbow. Benoit with a backbreaker for two. Meanwhile, Brock is watching the match in the dressing room on an old tube TV, back before they had LCD screens hanging in every corner of the arena. Eddie and Edge collide for a double down, but Rock has had at least one eight ball before the match, maybe two, and he gets the hot tag and runs wild. Scorpion King Deathlock on Benoit, but Eddie saves, so Rock hits him with a spinebuster and People’s Elbow for two. Benoit saves and hauls Rock to the floor before sending him into the post, and back in for two. So Rock is now your face in peril and Benoit puts the boots to the injured ribs from earlier, and Eddie takes him down for two. Benoit puts Rock down for two after a boot to the ribs and follows with a knee to the ribs to set up the crossface and people are BUYING IT. Amazing what having Rock tap out will do to help make a finisher believable. Rock goes for the ropes, but Eddie pulls the rope away from him, so Rock has to stretch and break the hold. So Benoit drags him back to the middle and applies it again, but Edge can take no more and makes the save, which allows the heels to get more punishment behind the ref’s back. Eddie goes up to finish, but Edge trips him up and Rock makes the HOT TAG. Edge runs wild and spears Benoit in the corner, but another one misses and he grabs the turnbuckle to stop himself. Rock Bottom and Spear on Eddie finish at 11:40. Tremendous TV main. ***3/4. But then Brock pops up in the ring like a movie monster and Rock tells Edge to let him handle it. So Brock attacks and beats the bejesus out of Rock’s ribs, but Rock fires back with the punches to send Brock to the floor, and they yell at each other to set up Summerslam.

This show was TIGHT. And what I really appreciated was that all the matches had a purpose and they quickly explained what everyone’s issue was and what the point of everything was. If you’re a new fan and this is your first show, you can drop in and instantly know who the big stars are and what the storylines are. That’s the kind of thing missing on the bloated and meandering shows we get a lot of times on both sides of the tribal wars today. The pacing here was great as well, with nothing feeling like it overstayed its welcome, showing once again, as if we needed more proof, that Paul Heyman freed of the burden of having to actually run a promotion is a genius booker.

And yes I know Summerslam is next up. It’s dependent on my time constraints this week and I can’t promise anything. But I’ll do my best.