The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 08.19.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 08.19.23

“Fight for the Fallen (Saturday Night Ratings)”

Live from Lexington, KY

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Nigel McGuinness. I’ll miss you, Riccabone-Zone!

Samoa Joe v. The Golden Vampire

The Vampire attacks Joe before the bell, and hits a familiar looking knee in the corner before revealing himself as CM Punk in disguise. And he accepts the challenge for Wembley via GTS.

Wait a minute…what happened to the REAL Golden Vampire? Hopefully someone checks on that guy.

Meanwhile, 5 years ago, Cody and his friends put on the original All In and now they’re having another one.

Jay White v. Dalton Castle

Thank god, Card-Blade is there this week. I was worried about him after he was missing last week. No spoilers, but Dalton promises to hit him with KARATE, AND MORE KARATE and then suplex him so hard that his brains fall out of his butt. Well there’s a first time for everything. Also I love that Dalton maximizes his TV time by cutting promos during his entrance. White yells at the Boys, so Dalton takes him down and White has to get to the ropes. White fires back with chops and tosses Castle, so the Boys throw him back in and Dalton hits White with a takedown. White with more chops in the corner and Dalton misses a charge, landing on the floor and triggering a foot race between the Boys and the Bang Bang Gang. So White suplexes Castle on the apron to take over and puts the boots to him on the floor. Back in, White works on the back and goes to a chinlock, and a DDT gets two. White with a bearhug on the mat, but Castle fights out of that, so White dropkicks the knee. Castle fires back with a suplex, although White’s brains do not fall out of his butt as advertised. Dalton with a running knee in the corner to set up an exploder. Jay hides in the corner, but Castle gets a german suplex for two. He tries for the finisher, but White puts him on the floor, and Castle gets a nice rana off the apron on the way back into the ring. The Pew Pew Crew threatens Dalton, so the Boys take them out, but White hits a uranage in the ring for two. Dalton tries another comeback, but White cuts him off with the Blade Runner and pins him at 12:10. Kind of a dull match and a big disappointment with a dead crowd. **

Bullet Club is still in the ring after the break, and Jay wants us to know that the Elite was not the peak of the Bullet Club. ROCK HARD Juice Robinson points out that they drove from Orlando to Jacksonville to beat up Kenny Omega and it only took them two minutes. Also the Gunns have friends who are Eliter. So they throw out an open challenge and the former Bear Country accept.

The Iron Savages v. The Gunns & ROCK HARD JUICE ROBINSON

The Savages work Austin over in the corner as Bronson apparently promises to toss Austin’s salad. I mean…yay? He gets caught in the Bullet Club corner and Juice puts the ROCK HARD boots to him and cannonballs him. We get some Elite posing, but no Wayward Son, and Bronson gets tossed while they try to find a headset for Jay White. Hopefully it’s Card-Blade. Back in the ring, Juice with a senton while the rock guy from the Thor movies joins us on commentary and Colton slugs away on Bronson. Austin slugs Bronson down with some Outlaw tribute, but Boulder gets the hot tag and throws the Gunns around. He slams Juice onto them and hits all three of them with a splash, but it only gets two because he might be a Boulder but Juice is ROCK HARD. Boulder misses a charge and the Gunns try 310 to Yuma, but can’t hit it. So they hit it on Bronson instead and Juice finishes with Pulp Friction at 9:27. Way too long for what it was, but Boulder’s comeback was pretty fun. The other guy didn’t even tag into the match though. *1/2

Meanwhile, the House of Black talks about Sumerian death rituals and stuff.

Meanwhile, Jose the Assistant calls Rush, and he’s not happy with the direction of the LFI lately. So he summons everyone to Mexico, and it ends with Dralistico and Preston Vance getting kidnapped.

Meanwhile, Ricky Starks introduces his new bodyguard, Big Bill.

Big Bill v. Derek Neal

Kind of disappointed that they’re giving up on the Bill & Cage team already. Neal tries to punch Bill and Bill puts him down with a big boot as a result and chokeslams him at 1:10.

Man this crowd is giving Hamilton a run for their money as worst one ever.

Willow Nightingale v. Diamante

Willow beats on her in the corner and follows with a suplex for two. Diamante chokes her out on the ropes, but Willow puts her down with a sideslam. This brings out Mercedes for a brief distraction, but Willow hits Diamante with slams. Diamanate cuts her off with a kick to the knee and throws chops in the corner to take over. Neckbreaker gets two. Diamante with a lengthy chinlock for the duration of the commercial break, and Willow wins a slugfest and comes back with a powerbomb for two. Diamante with a shiranui for two. Rollup gets two. Willow comes back with a missile dropkick, but Mercedes pulls Diamante out to save her, and Kris Statlander hits the ring to help Willow. Back in, the Doctorbomb finishes at 11:09. Match was OK but the crowd was just so dead that it was a chore to sit through. ** Apparently the feud must continue despite not seeming to be going anywhere.

Meanwhile, Toni Storm continues going further into shoe-throwing craziness. Honestly, who throws a shoe? There, see, I said the thing, hope you’re happy now.

Powerhouse Hobbs v. Kevin Ku

Ku was apparently trained by Killer Kowalski in some form. Maybe he should be Killer Kevin Ku! Or maybe not. Hobbs pulverizes him and pins him with the spinebuster in 2:00. Hobbs continues with a camel clutch on the geek, but Miro interrupts on the KhanTron and talks about his god. This apparently is now a match for All Out, which they have finally remembered is a thing that exists and is occurring in two weeks.

Christian Cage v. Darby Allin

Darby takes him down with a headlock and they trade wristlocks, but Christian bails to the floor and Darby headfakes him into the arms of Luchasaurus. Back in, Christian whips him into the corner to take over, and tosses him for some dinosaur abuse. Back in the ring and Cage works on the arm after wrapping it around the post, and a single arm DDT gets two. Darby fights back with a bodypress for two and a cradle for two. Cage cuts him off with a necksnap on the top rope and takes him to the floor for some chops. Back in, Cage taunts him with the TNT title and hits him with a hammerlock slam and inverted DDT. Darby comes back with the Code Red to counter a spear, and that gets two. Darby pulls up the turtleneck in a clear heel move, but they collide for a double down. Christian tosses him for another beating out there, but Darby comes back in the ring and hits the corner splashes. Shotgun dropkick into the corner, but he goes after Luchasaurus on the floor and that allows Christian to get another cheapshot on the floor. Darby puts Cage onto a chair and dropkicks him off the apron in a cool spot. But then he tries the Coffin Drop and Luchasaurus pulls Cage out of the way and Darby lands on the apron, the HARDEST PART OF THE RING. Back in, Christian with a spear for two, but Darby reverses to a cradle for the pin at 22:11. ***1/2.

Oooooooof. The good (but overly long) main event saved this one somewhat but the period between the CM Punk angle and the start of the last match was some of the worst TV they’ve put out, with a dead crowd and dead matches. And All In still doesn’t feel like anything more than a regular AEW PPV and this show sure didn’t do anything to change that perception thus far. Not to mention that we’re juggling two different PPV builds for Darby Allin that have absolutely nothing to do with each other and CM Punk has got about 4 different feuds going at the same time as well. It’s too much stuff at once and there’s no focus right now on Collision. And what happened to the advertised appearance of FTR? Was the video package in the middle of the show supposed to be it?

Anyway, Dynamite looks like a good show, so hopefully they pull it together again for that one, because I don’t see this one pulling them out of the ratings tailspin on Saturdays.