The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 08.08.02

The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 08.08.02

OMFG this new Network interface has now eliminated putting the shows in CHRONILOGICAL ORDER. So instead of just going to 2002 and finding the show, I now have to scroll down to the “Smackdown 2002” row and then scroll horizontally through the randomly-ordered episodes of the show until I find the date that I want. THIS IS GARBAGE.

Regardless, I have found what I want and IT IS TIME FOR THE THING WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

Taped from Richmond, VA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Tazz

Kurt Angle v. John Cena

Apparently they are fighting over who is the poster boy for RUTHLESS AGGRESSION. Cena chases Angle to the floor right away, and Cena slugs him down on the way back in the ring again. Powerslam gets two. Angle tosses him to take over and runs him into the stairs. Back in the ring, the announcers discuss how aggressive Angle has been. Almost…RUTHLESSLY AGGRESSIVE. See what I did there? Angle beats on him with chops, so Cena fights back with chops and shows why he doesn’t do chops. Angle with a belly to belly to end that rally, and an overhead suplex gets two. Cena with his own suplex and he tries a takedown, but Angle stuffs him and then runs him into the turnbuckles with RUTHLESS AGGRESSION, setting up a backbreaker for two. Angle with a chinlock and Cena fights out of that, so Angle destroys him with more suplexes. Note to self: Hitting Cena with a bunch of suplexes might be an effective way to get a win on him in the future. Angle blocks a german suplex and they collide for the double down and then slug it out, and Cena makes the comeback with NXT clotheslines and backdrops. But then Angle just casually takes him down into the anklelock, and Cena counters out of that. Tilt a whirl slam gets two. Angle charges and hits the post, but he tries to go to the top and Cena dropkicks him off the middle rope and to the floor. Angle takes a bump off the stairs on the way down, and he’s unconscious, but Chris Benoit runs in and puts Cena in the crossface at 8:20 for the DQ. Rey Mysterio makes the save, but Eddie also runs in and takes him out, and then Edge makes the save for them as the Edge/Rey/Cena “young guns” team stands tall. That was a hell of a match before the DQ finish, although Cena’s offense was painfully generic at this point. ***

Meanwhile, Benoit and Guerrero stomp around backstage, and the dumbass interviewer wants to know why they left RAW. Eddie points out that Rock was tapping out to Benoit last week and crying for mercy from Latino Heat, so why wouldn’t they want to be here? But then he calls Benoit the “master of submission” and Kurt Angle gets very offended by this. “Peep this homes, no one makes people tap like me!” But Benoit is up for the competition for “best submission specialist”. Eddie thinks they should all cool their beef and team up against Edge and his friends TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING.

Reverend D-Von v. Mark Henry

D-Von tries to overpower Henry to start and that goes badly for him, as Henry lays him out and then goes to stare Batista down outside. Back in the ring, D-Von fights back with a clothesline and puts the boots to Mark. So Henry comes back with slams and a flapjack before getting rid of Batista and powerslamming D-Von for the pin at 2:40. Writing continues to be on the wall for the Reverend. This wasn’t bad. *1/2. D-Von and Batista go for the beatdown, but Rikishi makes the save and he wants a piece of Batista.

Rikishi v. Batista

So Batista attacks and Rikishi fights him off, but Batista hits him with a full nelson slam and chokes him out in the corner. D-Von gets some cheapshots from the floor while Rikishi ponders his bad decision making here, but he makes the comeback with a DDT. Batista counters the running ass splash with a knee to the back, but D-Von interferes again and accidentally nails Batista, allowing Rikishi to get the superkick for the pin at 2:40. *

Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar wants to stop by Hulk Hogan’s locker room to see if he really wants to go through with it, and Paul Heyman doesn’t think that’s a good idea. But Brock bursts in anyway and Hulk thinks he should put up his WWE title shot if he’s so confident. Heyman: “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO? HE ALWAYS OVERCOMES ADVERSITY! THAT’S HIS WHOLE M.O.!” Hopefully Paul got a raise. And then Nidia and Torrie randomly brawl backstage and Torrie ends up in her underwear. Makes sense.

Billy & Chuck v. The Hurricane & Shannon Moore

Wonder if the babyfaces can get the THREE COUNT here? Eh? Eh? Hurricane gets a shining wizard on Chuck for two and Shannon flies in with a rana from the top, but Chuck tags out to Billy on the sell. He slugs away in the corner, but it’s back to Hurricane, who hits Billy with a tornado DDT. Billy and Chuck somehow counter the double Hurri-chokeslam into a flapjack, and that gets two. Rico chokes Hurricane out from the apron as the heels take over. Billy misses a charge and hits the post, allowing Hurricane to hit a neckbreaker and make the hot tag to Shannon. Shannon with the Whisper in the Wind on Chuck, but Billy lays him out. Rico runs in and Hurricane tosses him and follows with a dive, but Shannon gets caught up in a Doomsday Device. But then he ducks Billy’s clothesline and rolls up Chuck for the pin at 4:45 as Billy & Chuck continue their downward slide. **1/2.

Meanwhile, John Cena is freaking out about getting crossfaced, but Edge wants him to focus on beating Benoit later tonight.

Meanwhile, Paul Heyman stops by Stephanie’s office, and she’s looking for Dawn Marie for some reason. Paul tries to get out of the title shot stipulation but Stephanie cuts off his nuts yet again. Paul: “Thank you. You’re getting to be more like your father every day.” Hopefully she doesn’t have access to company funds then.

Edge, Rey Mysterio & John Cena v. Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero & Kurt Angle

Angle slugs away on Edge to start, but Edge hits him with a suplex, so Angle brings Benoit in instead. Benoit quickly faceplants Mysterio and hits him with a knee to the gut, but Rey fires back with the “spinning leg scissors” and it’s over to Eddie. He cranks on the arm and Rey uses another of those leg scissors to take Eddie down, and over to Cena with a hiptoss for two. Back suplex gets two. Angle distracts the babyfaces and Cena gets mugged in the corner as the heels take over on him. Benoit with a snap suplex for two. Anlge comes with a short clothesline and goes to the chinlock, but Cena fights out, so Angle double-legs him into a spinebuster and just drives him down for two. Man, Kurt Angle. Damn. Eddie snaps off the senton for two and chokes Cena out as I’m thinking they should try building the show around these six gentlemen. Or maybe five of them and one alternate guy instead of Cena. Benoit comes in and just bounces Cena off the mat with a back suplex and then stiffs him with a forearm and just chops the hell out of him in the corner. I can’t even imagine later Cena taking this beating. I know Benoit is a monster is John Cena is like one of the best human beings to ever exist in wrestling and makes us all look like Hitler by comparison but man I love watching Benoit destroy him. Eddie goes up and Rey cuts off the frog splash, allowing Cena to fight back with the superplex and it’s hot tag Edge. Everyone goes with the big moves until Angle clears the ring, but Rey hits him with the 619 and West Coast Pop to finish at 10:00. This match was HOT like a Texas heatwave. ****. Kudos to Cena for taking that thrashing. Paul Heyman left to book matches without the overhead of running the promotion is a beautiful combination.

Meanwhile, Kurt “just got pinned by a freakin’ 12 year old.” Also Rey was the illegal man and he’s probably an illegal immigrant, but obviously doesn’t the integrity to come forward and forfeit the match.

Jamie Noble & Nidia v. Billy Kidman & Torrie Wilson

The announcers hype up the premiere of XXX, the Vin Diesel career move that aged like milk. Yeah, just leave the Fast & Furious franchise, it’s not like THAT will still be going 20 years later, right? I mean, I liked the first XXX movie well enough but FF went on to do everything that it did, but louder and better. Kidman quickly clears the ring and threatens to spank Nidia, but Noble makes the save, so Torrie spanks her instead and follows with a neckbreaker. Noble trips up Torrie and Nidia cradles for the pin at 2:00. This was about what you’d expect from Nidia’s TV debut. DUD.

Meanwhile, Dawn Marie is looking for Stephanie with SECRET PAPERS that are very legal and time sensitive, but Stephanie is gone, so Stacy offers to give Stephanie the papers and tips off Dawn to Vince’s suite at the hotel. But of course she immediately “loses” the papers after Dawn leaves. Still better acting than XXX. I guess that can be interpreted however you want.

Meanwhile, Stephanie finally shows up and goes off to find Dawn at the hotel, and Stacy reveals that she’s working with ERIC BISCHOFF. OK that at least was a nicely understated twist.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan is ready for 15,000 screaming Hulkamaniacs to cheer him on against Brock Lesnar. Neat trick given there was only 6000 in the building.

Hulk Hogan v. Brock Lesnar

I’m saddened that although we got this dream match, we never got a one-off match between Hogan and Cena to blow people’s minds on YouTube 20 years later. They fight for the lockup to start and Brock wins that one, knocking the doo rag right off Hulk’s bald head! 2012 Brock would have kicked it as well but these were simpler times. Brock stomps him down, but Hulk pops up and slugs away in the corner before clotheslining him down for two and then putting him on the floor with another clothesline. So Brock grabs him and slams him nut-first into the post, which in the business is called “Pulling a Dreamer” I believe, and drops elbows on him to take over. Brock beats on him in the corner while Heyman implores Brock to FINISH HIM because you can’t give Hulk a chance to come back. Hulk slugs away in the corner and Brock powerbombs him for two to cut off the comeback, but Hulk makes one more comeback. Hulk slugs away and hits the big boot, but now BROCK is the one who pops up, no-selling him. So Hulk hits another big boot and takes out Heyman, but Brock kicks out of the legdrop. So now Hulk is really unsure and continues the punches and another big boot, but Hulk goes after Heyman and Brock hits him with the F5. Brock decides to bearhug him, and Hulk is bleeding from the mouth, and the ref stops the match at 10:00 after three arm drops! That’s actually one of the only times I’ve ever seen an arm drop finish like that. Hogan doing the job + “Hogan getting hit in the junk” bonus puts this at about ***1/4 total. And that was the end of Hulk Hogan in WWE, for now. But Hulk isn’t quite tenderized enough, so Brock grabs a chair and beats the hell out of him, before wiping Hulk’s blood on his own chest to end the show. In retrospect I would have gone even stronger with the beating and had Brock pop up after the legdrop, but realistically they got about as much as they could from Hogan here.

Legendary episode of Smackdown this week. This show is on a ROLL.