The SmarK Rant for WWE Summerslam 2023 – 08.05.23

The SmarK Rant for WWE Summerslam 2023 – 08.05.23

Live from Detroit, MI

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Corey Graves

I am amused but unsurprised that they made a big deal about keeping the show to a strict time limit and it’s STILL 4.5 hours long.

Logan Paul v. Ricochet

Ricochet dropkicks him to the floor right away and we get a pose-off as Paul bails. Back in the ring, Ricochet runs into a back elbow and Paul works a headlock before choking him out on the ropes. This sets up a neckbreaker on the apron, which he dedicates to his fiancé to look like even more of a dick, and back in for some shots in the corner. Logan with a running powerslam for two, which was apparently dedicated to Braun Strowman. The astonishingly angry heel reaction to Paul makes it all the weirder that they ever tried to make him a babyface. Paul with a legdrop for two, but Ricochet comes back with a People’s Moonsault for two in a wacky spot. But then Logan puts him on the apron with the springboard clothesline, but he tries the Spanish Fly off the apron and Ricochet sort of lands on his feet to escape. Maybe they should be more concerned with a good match and not “going viral” with this stuff.

Paul with a clothesline off the apron, and back in for a crossbody that gets two. Ricochet fights back, but Paul charges him and hits the post. So they fight to the top and Ricochet brings him down with a neckbreaker from the top. He makes the comeback with a springboard clothesline and a standing shooting star for two. Ricochet with the kickochets, but Paul gets a tornado DDT for two. Ricochet with a codebreaker and he goes up with another shooting star, but that hits the knees and Logan gets two. Logan comes back again and hits a springboard frog splash for two. Ricochet superkicks him into a fireman’s carry roll and a moonsault gets two. Ricochet goes up and misses the 630, and this allows one of Paul’s “guys” to give him brass knuckles and knock out Ricochet at 17:53. I wasn’t really into this one as much as Logan’s other matches, it was way too long for what they were going for with a lot of standing around between spots, and the finish was underwhelming. I’d call it good but not “viral” in any way, probably because Logan was running for a plane to go watch his brother’s fight right after. ***

Brock Lesnar v. Cody Rhodes

Cody comes swinging with a pair of disaster kicks, but Brock swats him down and beats on him in the corner. Brock charges and hits the post, allowing Cody to send him to the floor, but Brock wins that battle and throws him around in the ring. Suplex gets two. Brock takes him down and then throws him with another german suplex to put him on the floor. Back in the ring, Brock continues the suplexes and Cody lands on the floor again before beating the count. So Brock knocks him down again and promises more pain for him if he comes back in. But Cody does, so Brock suplexes him and then sends him to the floor again and orders him to take the countout. I’d listen to him, he’s pretty big. Back in the ring, but Brock clotheslines him to the floor again. Cody fights up again and Brock REALLY wants that countout win, so he heads out himself and delivers an F5 on the floor. Back in at 9 and Brock is annoyed now, like when Marc Mero was banging his wife for all those years before he was married to her, so he takes Cody to the floor again and F5s him through the table this time.

So Cody beats the count, again, and Brock gets another suplex, but Cody rips off the turnbuckle in the process. He grabs the stairs and hits Brock with them to mount a comeback, and back in for a Cody Cutter, and that gets two. Brock catches him with the kimura, however, and locks it in, but Cody makes the ropes. Brock goes for it again, but Cody runs him into the exposed turnbuckle and gets his own kimura. Brock slams out of that and tries for another F5, but Cody counters to the Cross Roads and hits it not ONCE, NOT TWICE, BUT THRICE to finish at 17:25. Surprised there was no stipulation but I thought this excellent high drama and a very different match layout for Brock. ****1/2. And we even get the respectful handshake from Brock afterwards to settle whatever their issue was in the first place, which I don’t think we ever learned.

Slim Jim’s Battle Royal:

For some reason we get a video package about battle royals in case anyone is watching wrestling for literally the first time ever. We have a variety of geeks and nobodies and Omos throws a bunch of people out right away. A bunch of guys run around and do spots, some go out, some don’t, whatever, no one cares. I literally didn’t even recognize Karrion Kross until they specifically named him. He looks like jacked up Hornswaggle now. Everyone finally gangs up on Omos and puts him out and we get down to Bronson Reed, AJ Styles, Sheamus and LA Knight. Knight drags Reed out with the guillotine and Sheamus puts Styles out with the Brogue Kick, leaving us Sheamus v. LA. Sheamus with the Celtic Cross and Knight escapes that and brings him into the ring with a superplex, then clotheslines him out to win at 12:55. Wow, he won a crappy battle royal sponsored by meat sticks, what a hero.

MMA Rules: Ronda Rousey v. Shayna Baszler

They try for some submissions on the mat and Shayna puts Ronda on the floor with a high kick, and then back in they exchange leglocks on the mat. Ronda comes back with a pop up knee strike and puts Shayna on the floor, which seems to cause an injury. But Ronda beats up the doctors who want to check Shayna and takes Shayna down with the armbar. Shayna counters into the anklelock and they trade choke attempts until Shayna wins at 7:29. This was kind of a disaster that did nothing to help Shayna. I can kinda see what they wanted to do but it sure didn’t work. 1/2*.

Intercontinental title: Gunther v. Drew McIntyre

They fight for the lockup and Drew wins that battle, so Gunther grabs a headlock and Drew suplexes out of that. They fight on the floor and Gunther drops him on the stairs and goes to work on the back in the ring. They trade clotheslines and slug it out and Drew kips up, but misses the Claymore. Future Shock DDT gets two. Another Claymore and Gunther bails to escape, so Drew dives onto him and back in for another try. Gunther blocks it with a dropkick and powerbombs him for two. Flying splash gets two. Gunther beats on him with more chops, but Drew hits the Claymore out of nowhere for two. They fight to the top and Drew tries a piledriver up there, but Gunther crotches him to bring him down and then powerbombs him for the pin at 13:43. This was good but didn’t feel like anything special from them that we haven’t seen a million times before. ***. It feels like it’s probably time to end the title reign but obviously they want to break Honky’s record first.

So we’re two hours in and this show feels like it’s taking FOREVER. Maybe we’ve been spoiled by stuff like the British crowd at MITB but there just doesn’t feel like there’s much energy to the show.

World title: Seth Rollins v. Finn Balor

They fight before the bell and slug it out, and Balor goes to work on the arm in the corner. Balor with a hammerlock into the corner and he stays on it with an armbar, but Seth makes the ropes. Finn slugs away in the corner, but Seth grabs him by the beard and beats him down with headbutts and a lariat for two. Falcon Arrow gets two. Balor bails and Seth hits him with the triple dives, but Balor runs him into the post to take over again. He follows with a powerbomb into the railing in a nice bit of continuity, and then hits the sling blade in the ring. Inverted DDT gets two and he goes to the armbar. Seth escapes with a pair of buckle bombs and goes up with the frog splash for two. Seth tries the curb stomp and Balor counters with a shotgun dropkick and then counters a falcon arrow into a small package for two. Pele Kick and they’re both down.

They slug it out and Finn gets another shotgun dropkick, but misses the Coup de Grace. Seth with the Pedigree for two. So this brings Senor Money in the Bank down and Balor cradles for two. Seth with his own cradle for two, and Priest nails him from the floor and Balor hits a Pedigree of his own for two. We also get Dom and Rhea to take the ref while Balor refuses the briefcase, allowing Seth to hit the curb stomp for two. Seth decides to go after Judgment Day and dives on them outside, but Balor hits the sling blade and Coup De Grace for two. So Priest takes the ref again, but this time Seth curb stomps Balor onto the briefcase and retains at 19:04. Took a bit to get going but once all the Judgment Day gaga started it was excellent sports entertainment. ****1/4

WWE Women’s title: Asuka v. Charlotte v. Bianca Belair

They trade rollups and Charlotte hits a back suplex on Asuka. She does some gymnastics with Bianca and they hit the floor for a dive from Belair. Back in, Asuka stomps on Belair’s ear and gets a knee for one, then hits Charlotte with a german suplex to put her on the floor. Bianca tries a glam slam on Asuka, but Charlotte breaks it up with a crossbody and they all exchange chops. So Charlotte has a wardrobe problem that she gets the ref to assist with, while the other two are lost and do something in the corner as the camera cuts away. Charlotte hits them both with a Natural Selection for two. Asuka with a codebreaker on Charlotte for two and they’re all out as Corey claims that “exhaustion is a factor” at 6:00 into the match.

Asuka throws Belair out by the ponytail, but she comes back in with a double neckbreaker on the other two. Belair makes the comeback as her poor braid is looking pretty rough, but Charlotte gets the knees up on a moonsault and spears her. Asuka with the Asukalock on Charlotte off that, but Belair moonsaults them to break it up and they’re all out again. Charlotte puts them both on the floor for the moonsault, but it misses by 3 feet and Asuka brings her back in with something like a leaping DDT that also misses by 3 feet. They need to go home, this is only getting worse. Charlotte boots Asuka to the floor and Belair tries for the KOD on Charlotte, but Asuka dumps Bianca and gets two on Charlotte. Asuka armbars Charlotte, but Belair saves and they all end up in a heap for two. And they’re all out again. Poor Jessica Carr is out there reading the damn phone book to them trying to keep it on track. Charlotte goes up with a double moonsault, and that gets two. So she tries a ridiculous double figure-four, and not ridiculous in the good way, but they kick out of that and Belair lands on the floor and apparently hurts her knee. So Asuka fights to the top with Charlotte and we get a superplex and they’re both out AGAIN. I think that’s the fifth double down spot of the match so far. Jessica gives them another rundown of what happened on the Bachelor while they carry Belair out, and Charlotte comes back with a spear for two on Asuka. Figure-eight follows, but Belair heads back in to break it up with a 450 on Charlotte that gets two. Man this thing just keeps going doesn’t it?

So we get another double down and Bianca slugs it out with Charlotte. Charlotte gets another figure-eight, on Belair this time, but Asuka mists Charlotte to break it up, and Belair rolls Asuka up to win the title at 20:55. That was…..long. They started doing double down spots just a few minutes in, they were blowing spots left and right, and once Bianca suffered that “injury” it was ridiculously obvious who was winning. I’d go DUD but I’ll go slightly higher on the “at least Charlotte didn’t win again” scale. *1/2

And then after sitting through all THAT, Io Sky runs in and cashes in to win the title from Bianca to wake up the crowd again. Really, you couldn’t have done the cliché MITB cash-in after a 5:00 match instead of that disaster?

TRIBAL COMBAT: WWE Universally Undisputed World Heavyweight Championship Title Belt: Roman Reigns v. Jey Uso

I’ve been watching on the new WWE Network interface tonight and BY GOD is it effective for skipping through Bloodline entrances. So we get the big stall to start and Jey grabs a headlock, but Roman hits him with a kneelift and puts him down to take over. Jey clotheslines him to the floor and follows with a dive before running Roman into the stairs. Jey gets a table, but Roman puts a stop to that and runs Jey into the turnbuckles. Roman with the Drive-By for two. And he slowly walks around the ring for a while, but Jey fights back with an enzuigiri and Roman bails and finds a kendo stick, which he uses for some CAMERA SHAKE AND ZOOM action. IT’S LIKE I’M REALLY THERE!

This show has felt ungodly long so far and I’m really in no mood for a 40 minute Bloodline match but I guess that’s what we’re getting.

Jey slugs back, but Roman beats on him with clotheslines in the corner. Jey fights back again with the kendo stick and you know that camera is SHAKING AND ZOOMING, and Jey puts him on the floor for another dive. Finally it picks up as Roman comes back with the superman punch and spear, but Jey cuts him off with a superkick and goes up with the flying splash for two. Jey with some chairshots and he makes a big pile of chairs, but Roman powerbombs him on his own chair pile for two. Roman sets up another table and they fight on the apron over that before going through with a samoan drop for the double down on the floor. Next up, Jey finds a strap and beats on Roman with that before they walk into the crowd and continue their slow motion brawl. Did they give out some of that C4 energy drink to the crowd before the match? Because they probably should have.

Corey Graves sounds like he’s ready for a nap. Our first Samoan cameo of the match: Solo Sikoa, who slams Jey through a table and then drags him back to ringside for a further beating in the ring. Somehow, Roman manages to spear Solo by mistake, and Jey spears Roman for two. Jey with the chair beatdown, but Sikoa cuts him off again with a superkick on the floor. But then we get more SAMOAN DRAMA as Solo and Roman have words, allowing Jey to spear Roman through the railing. And then he takes care of Sikoa with a splash through the announce table, and now I bet he’ll really win this time! Back in the ring, Jey with the flying splash, but Jimothy Uso makes the save and reveals that he’s back with the Bloodline as this storyline continues to go around and around for another month. And Roman spears Jey through another table and pins him to retain at 36:00. Remember when they had the awesome empty arena matches during the pandemic? This wasn’t it. 1/2*. Tell me again why Roman needed to be champion for all of this Bloodline nonsense?

Overall I’d say this was easily the weakest WWE show of the year. There were a couple of matches that were excellent but just too much downtime and the main event absolutely did not deliver whatever people were hoping it would. Unless you like endless Uce soap opera bullshit, then it delivered that in spades.

Thumbs in the middle.