The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 08.01.02

The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 08.01.02

Taped from Charlotte, NC

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Tazz

Rey Mysterio v. Tajiri

Rey quickly hits Tajiri with a “swinging leg scissors” in Cole-speak, but Tajiri puts him down with a clothesline and then counters one of his flippy-do moves with a superkick. He chokes away on the ropes and gets a wacky surfboard into a backslide for two, but Rey reverses out to a sunset flip and flips to the apron. And then Tajiri blocks another springboard with a superkick to put him on the floor. Man with all these flips and dives and superkicks it’s like I’m watching AEW or something, AM I RIGHT FELLAS? High five! Sorry if that triggers anyone hanging on the stupid notion that none of this stuff happened in their precious childhood wrestling. Tajiri ties him up with a bow and arrow, but Rey reverses into a spinning headscissors for two. Tajiri cuts him off again with a Tarantula, but misses the buzzsaw kick and Rey rolls him up for two. Rey tries a rana and Tajiri reverses into a powerbomb for two. Rey fights him off and hits the 619 (“Six nineteen!”) but Tajiri blocks a sunset flip into a cradle for two. Rey pops up again and Tajiri nails him with a kick, but Rey fights him off and then dives into a West Coast Pop off the top rope (and look out below!) for the pin at 7:30. Hey that Tajiri is a hell a worker and this was a GREAT opener given the limited time. ****

Kurt Angle joins us and he just wants to apologize to UPN executives for scaring them into thinking he might have left the show last week. And without him there would be no reason to watch. Because he’s not impressed with Brock Lesnar and his NCAA titles, since he was winning NCAA titles “back when you were playing Hungry freakin’ Hippos, BUSTER.” That is a sick burn. And then Angle goes PERSONAL, pointing out that Brock Lesnar in fact DOES NOT HAVE ANY GOLD MEDALS. That’s too far! That man has a family! Stop the damn match! Thankfully Hulk Hogan interrupts before Brock can take more verbal third degree burns from Angle’s hot fire. He also has issues with Brock Lesnar after last week’s attack, so he also wants a match with Brock. Angle wonders if Hulk is going to challenge him to shuffleboard. Because he’s old and shuffleboard is a game played by old people. I wouldn’t know, being part of the younger generation myself. So thankfully this brings out Stephanie McMahon to school these two on how to cut a promo and take credit for everything good on the show at the same time, and she books the match between them because god knows we needed an authority figure to tell the wrestlers what to do. And the winner gets Brock next week. In all seriousness, this would have been 100% better if Hulk and Angle had worked out their own shit without having Stephanie come out and show them who’s boss on MY SHOW, MY SHOW, MY SHOW.

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff has managed to get into Stephanie’s office and she screeches at him to GET OUT OF HER OFFICE over and over while he admires her peaches. She really only had two emotions to display at this point: Smug confidence or screeching demon. MY OFFICE, MY OFFICE, MY OFFICE. Also the main event tonight features Edge and the Rock.

Brock Lesnar v. Mark Henry

They trade shoulderblocks and then Brock just nails him with a clothesline for two. Brock runs him into the corner with a shoulderblock, but Henry comes back with a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it LA Knight’s push, and he slugs away in the corner. So Brock has had enough and takes Mark to SUPLEX CITY before finishing him with the F5 at 2:30. Brock was still raw but that overhead suplex was incredible. *1/2

Meanwhile, Brock runs into Hulk and wants to face him next week. And then Billy & Chuck get into an argument, and Rico points out that even though the tag team titles are now on the other show, they’re still a family. That doesn’t help. And then John Cena laughs at the situation, so Rico gets all offended and we get more cringe comedy from young John. And then THAT flows into Angle walking through and Brock switches his tactic and now he wants Angle to win because Kurt’s the one he really wants to face.

Brock Lesnar Eliminator match: Kurt Angle v. Hulk Hogan

Once again, Michael Cole would like to remind us that this match is brought to you by benevolent Smackdown GM Stephanie. Kurt takes him down and tries for a facelock, but Hulk fights up, so Kurt slugs away and Hulk fires back with his old man punches. Angle’s not take that crap for too long before wanting to snug things up a bit, I’m thinking. They fight to the floor and Hulk runs him into the post and then back in for more devastating fisticuffs. So Kurt beats him down in the corner and thankfully puts a bit of stank on them so Hulk knows it’s not 1983 in the AWA, but Hulk reverses a suplex. Angle puts him down with a clothesline for two and chokes him out on the ropes before delivering another beating in the corner. Hulk comes back with more of his softball punches, brother, so Kurt cuts him off with a back suplex for two. This must have been driving Angle NUTS given the level he was competing on in 2002. Kurt with the chinlock and he uses the ropes, but Hulk fights up, so Kurt drops him with another suplex. Hulk pops up and gets more marshmallow punches and an elbowdrop for two. But then Angle counters the big boot with the anklelock and Hulk fights him off. Another big boot hits this time, but the Angle Slam gets two. Back to the anklelock, but Hulk makes the ropes, so Kurt pulls him off and sinks it in again. The ref is bumped off that, and Angle grabs a chair, but Hulk kicks it back in his face and legdrops him for the visual pinfall. So that brings Brock out to start some shit, and Angle attacks Hulk with the chair for the DQ at 10:28 as they play the “get out of booking jail free” card. And then Hulk does his big comeback on Angle, but Brock just walks in and F5s Hulk to cut that off and leave him laying. I don’t know for sure what Vince promised Hulk in order to convince him to agree to this stuff but it just confirms that he’s the most evil genius of our lifetimes. Match wasn’t really on the level of the King of the Ring match but Angle did what he could and this was the best use of Hogan if he didn’t want to do the tag team stuff. **1/2

Rikishi v. Reverend D-Von

D-Von and Batista quickly double-team Rikishi on the floor and run him into the railing, and back in for a flying legdrop from D-Von for two. D-Von slugs away on him, but D-Von accidentally ends up with his head in Rikishi’s ass in a wacky spot. Rikishi with a samoan drop and butt splash to finish at 3:22. But he goes for an extra Stinkface, and Batista pops in and lays him out with a spinebuster. Everyone here was kind of coasting along but Batista was showing good presence. *

Meanwhile, Stephanie belittles Stacy Keibler and she’s still obsessed with Eric Bischoff and making sure he’s never in MY ARENA, MY ARENA, MY ARENA.

Jamie Noble joins us, and he’s not a redneck like the hicks in Charlotte anymore. In fact, Nidia keeps the nicest trailer in the Carolinas and now she’s royalty! So Noble takes Nidia to ringside and explains that Tazz is a “street thug” like himself, and then claims Cole has been eyeballin’ his woman, so he orders Nidia to give him some sugar and show him a good time so that he’ll put them over on TV. So Nidia goes nuts on him and poor Michael had to be fighting some awkward feelings while she’s rubbing all over him and sticking her tongue down his throat. I’m assuming Vince was on the headset demanding she torture him even more. But then Noble pulls her off because the crowd was enjoying it too much like a bunch of PERVERTS. So Noble promises he’ll bring her back for more lovin’ if Cole talks nice about them from now on. BUT NOT TOO MUCH LOVIN’. Just a little bit. Shut it down, they’re not topping this one tonight.

Meanwhile, paranoid Stephanie belittles the jobber squad of Mike Awesome, Bob Holly and Kidman, yelling at them for watching RAW and demanding to know why they’re not watching MY SHOW, MY SHOW, MY SHOW instead. She wants to know why they’re not watching the show that’s currently being taped?

John Cena v. Rico the Stylist

Assuming they had a million OVW matches and could do this one in their sleep in 2002. Rico gets some offense and a spinkick to put Cena down, but he misses a moonsault and Cena makes the comeback with RUTHLESS AGGRESSION for two. And a tilt-a-whirl slam. Rico with a dropkick, but Cena uses his finisher, the wacky rollup, for two. Rico cuts him off with a legdrop, but Cena finishes him with a (Baby) Blue Thunder bomb at 2:10. Cena was such a geek after the hot start with main event guys. * And then indeed, Billy and Chuck hit the ring and lay him out with a Doomsday Device afterwards.

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff, who you may remember from earlier in the show, heads down to ringside and buys a front row seat from some guy.

Back from the break, and Stephanie McMahon, who is still the General Manager of Smackdown in case you’ve forgotten after the 18 times they’ve mentioned it already, joins us. And she wants to clarify that Edge is not facing the Rock tonight as advertised earlier, but in fact they’re teaming up against her newest acquistions…

Eddie Guerrero & Chris Benoit v. The Rock & Edge

THE SMACKDOWN SIX ERA BEGINS. Bischoff is so upset that security has to haul him off like a cartoon villain. OK so clearly if we’re at this point, Paul Heyman is booking now and that explains the stuff with segments flowing together and show-long storylines. Rock quickly goes after Eddie, but Eddie gets a DDT for two. Over to Benoit, who has won the IC title from RVD on RAW, but Rock gets an overhead suplex for two. Benoit uses Eddie’s distraction and drops Rock with a backdrop suplex, but gives Rock plenty of time to protect his neck on the way down. See, he’s not all bad. They put the boots to Rock in the corner and Benoit beats on Rock with chops and puts him down with an elbow for two. Eddie charges Rock and gets thrown into a facebuster, and it’s hot tag Edge, who hits Benoit with a forearm and monkey-flips Eddie. Edge-o-Matic gets two. They work Edge over in the corner but Edge fights back, so Benoit casually takes him down with a drop toehold and Eddie slingshots in with the senton for two. Eddie with the move that later became the Lasso from El Paso, but Edge fights out quickly. Benoit with a backbreaker for two. Edge fights them off again, but Benoit keeps coming with the rolling germans for two. Benoit twists him up with a half crab and Eddie slugs him down. Edge fights back with a sunset flip on Eddie for two and they collide for a double down. Rock is dying for the hot tag, so Benoit just goes over and WALLOPS him off the apron like a complete dick. Tremendous. Eddie fires away on Edge in the corner again, but Edge powerbombs him and it’s HOT TAG Rock. Eddie goes flying for him and a DDT on Benoit gets two. Edge pops in with a spear on Eddie, but he tries one on Benoit and gets sent into the post as a result. So Rock fights alone and hits the spinebuster on Benoit and Rock Bottom on Eddie, but Brock Lesnar lurks on the ramp and Benoit immediately puts Rock in the crossface. So Brock stares Rock down while he’s in the move with nowhere to go, and THE ROCK TAPS at 12:33 as the crowd is pretty shocked. This was GREAT tag team wrestling and man Benoit & Guerrero looked like a big f’n deal right off the hop here and knew exactly what to do. ****

This was the BEST, Jerry, the best. A great episode and hopefully whichever good looking and humble reviewer was watching the show for my website back in 2002 appreciated what he was getting. Enough of Stephanie though. Well that gives them something to work on.