The SmarK Rant for WWF UK Rampage 91 – 04.24.91

The SmarK Rant for WWF UK Rampage 91

Apparently in my quest to do all of the UK-only PPVs, I forgot about a couple. First up was the UK Rampage 91 show, which was released as a Coliseum Video “exclusive” a few months later.

Taped from London, England, April 1991.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Rowdy Roddy Piper

Jim Neidhart v. The Warlord

We get an immediate oops, as Neidhart was supposed to enter first but Warlord came out instead. Anvil works a headlock to start and they trade shoulders, which puts Warlord on the floor. This is too close to a bump for Warlord’s comfort, so he regroups and stalls for a while. Back in, Anvil takes him down for a headbutt and goes back to the headlock, but Warlord dumps him to the floor to take over as Vince and Piper are stumbling over each other’s words for some reason. Back in the ring, Warlord is working in PAL speed as he slowly hammers on Anvil’s back and then goes to a bearhug. So then Anvil does this weird reversal where he climbs up and over Warlord and tries a sunset flip, but Warlord won’t go down for that, come on man! Anvil fights back with forearms in the corner, but runs into a boot and Warlord gets two off that. And we go to the chinlock to slow down the torrid pace again. Why would you book this match as an OPENER with this kind of super-hot crowd? Anvil fights out and Warlord cuts him off AGAIN and puts the boots to him. Anvil finally comes back and elbows Warlord down for two before slugging away in the corner while the camera does a closeup on him not making contact on the punches. Prime work there. Splash hits knees, but Warlord charges and Anvil rolls him up for the pin at 13:40. Anyone who bitches about Taya Valkrie looking old and slow should watch THIS and get back to me with notes. DUD.

Ted Dibiase joins Mean Gene for a special interview, and he dedicates the next match to Roddy Piper so that Roddy can see what’s coming to him soon.

Ted Dibiase v. Texas Tornado

Piper notes that Kerry is Texas born and he’ll be Texas dead, which was sadly the case. Also early reviews of the Von Erich movie are not exactly Oscar-worthy according to the latest Observer. They should splice in scenes of Jeremy Allen White in the Bear and just pretend like it’s Kerry on coke. Dibiase gives Kerry a pair of cheapshots in the corner and then walks away from him to the floor, but Kerry chases him back in and slugs away. Kerry rams Dibiase into the turnbuckles, probably needing to pause to remember what comes after “8”, and tosses Dibiase. Back in the ring, Kerry clotheslines Dibiase right out again as Dibiase is bumping for both of them tonight. Sherri even takes a bump off that, and then Kerry slingshots him back into the ring before Sherri trips the Tornado and Dibiase takes over. They head to the floor and Sherri runs Kerry into the ringpost, thankfully not hurting anything of value. Back in, Kerry gets a sunset flip for one, but Dibiase drops the fist on him for two. Dibiase chokes him out on the ropes and dedicates a suplex to Piper, which gets two. Dibiase with the chinlock while Sherri yells trash talk at Kerry, and Piper proudly declares that he’ll knock Sherri out if given the chance. Kerry fights out and Dibiase cuts him off and goes up, but misses the back elbow that always misses. Kerry makes the comeback with the IRON CLAW, but Dibiase rakes the eyes and Sherri trips Kerry again. So they fight on the floor and Dibiase beats the count at 14:05 because Kerry was once again confused about what comes after “8”. He was informed there would be no math! He’s not very smart is what I’m getting at here. Kerry looked like he was bored of being out there from the opening bell but Dibiase made it watchable enough. **

Meanwhile, Haku does a promo on Greg Valentine in Tongan while Mean Gene tells him to speak English. If Haku wants to do his promo in Tongan you LET HIM.

Greg Valentine v. Haku

They trade shots in the corner while Piper and Vince discuss barefoot wrestlers and Piper calls out “Rocca…from back in YOUR time” in a tremendous low key burn. Haku with a rear chinlock and Valentine fights out of that as I continue to astonished that anyone thought “Greg Valentine as a babyface” was an idea worth exploring for more than 2 minutes. Haku goes back to the chinlock while Piper discusses paying taxes here in April. Hopefully they’ve got someone keeping track of that for them, perhaps he can offer periodical reminders for people to do so. Valentine runs Haku into the turnbuckles and tries to get all fired up but the crowd does not care at all. So Haku hits him with TONGAN MARTIAL ARTS, but Valentine puts him down and sets up for the figure-four. Haku gives him another chop to escape that, but Hammer drops the elbow and tries the figure-four again, which Haku escapes again. But then Hammer gets a sunset flip for the pin at 8:37. Oh man this was bad. They were both lethargic and the crowd was dead. 1/2*

The Rockers v. The Orient Express

Mr. Fuji immediately attacks the Rockers, so they head back to the dressing room and return with ANDRE to even it up. Yeah that’ll work. Hopefully this one will move past the level of “half-assed house show match” that everything else thus far has reached. Shawn runs wild on the Express with slams and tries to whip them together, but Kato takes a facefirst bump on the whip for some reason and they have to regroup and do stereo atomic drops instead. Marty takes him down with a facelock, but Tanaka comes in to save and so the Rockers double-team him and Shawn gets two. Vince is already hopeful for a SEE SAW MATCHUP BACK AND FORTH, but that’s a pretty high bar to clear, like Vince’s version of a Tokyo Dome main event. Back to Kato and the Rockers double-team the arm in their corner and Marty gets a dropkick for two. Tanaka with the criss-cross and Marty puts him down with an elbow and goes to the arm again. Kato blocks a rollup from Shawn, but Shawn takes him down with another armdrag, until Tanaka yanks the hair from the apron and the Express takes over. Kato with some skullduggery behind the ref’s back and he whips Shawn into the turnbuckles before Tanaka goes to the chinlock. Again they switch off behind the ref’s back and work Shawn over while Hebner is helpless. Man, I hope that Earl Hebner does something REALLY nice to make it up to Shawn Michaels someday. Shawn fights out of the chinlock, but walks into the flying elbow and that gets two. Kato suckers Marty into the ring again by telling him that his drug dealer is in the front row, and the Express double-teams Shawn for two and goes back to the chinlock. Shawn finally comes back with a double clothesline on the Express and it’s hot tag Marty. He’s fired up like he’s on some kind of illegal substance and quickly gets tripped up by Fuji, but Fuj makes the mistake of backing into Andre and that goes badly for him. Then Andre hits Kato with the cane and the Rockers finish with the double fistdrop at 13:07. Wasn’t at the level of the Rumble 91 match or anything but it was leagues better than anything else so far. ***

Meanwhile, Mean Gene chats with Hulk Hogan after informing us that Queen Elizabeth is watching on Sky Movies Plus back at the Palace. I somehow don’t think he’s entirely telling the truth there. Then Hulk says that he was drinking tea with the Queen and it’s got him all wired up and ready for Sgt. Slaughter tonight. Also he accuses Slaughter of committing “crimes against mankind” in the Middle East. This from the guy who gave us Pasta-Mania. Now that was a crime.

Meanwhile, Andre stops by to talk with Mean Gene and he’ll be in the Rockers’ corner for the rest of the tour. I’m sure the Rockers were just happy to have someone who could keep up with their drinking.

Also Brooklyn Brawler gets promo time and accuses London of being dirty and slovenly compared to New York. OK that was pretty funny. Also Jim Neidhart uses up more time on what is presumably an intermission and he’s got nothing to say, but Warlord interrupts and they get into a brawl off-stage and fight with wicker furniture.

The Barbarian v. Jimmy Snuka

Wow nothing like getting back from intermission and hearing “Soo-soo-superfly” to kick it off again. Hope they reinforced the shitters in the arena to account for everyone running back to the bathroom knowing that they’re not missing anything. I have to wonder why no one thought to team up Barbarian & Berzerker at some point. Meanwhile, Vince reveals that Winston the bulldog has a cousin who will be in the corner of Davey Boy later tonight, and Piper feeds him with the straight line, asking “Well what’s the cousin’s name?” as we await the punchline. And there is none, as Vince admits he doesn’t know the dog’s name. That was like waiting for the payoff to an AEW midcard storyline. So they trade generic power stuff to start for the first 5:00 and Snuka puts him down with a chop, as this is going nowhere and they’ve barely even made contact thus far. Finally Barbarian puts him on the floor with a big boot in a halfway impressive bump, as Snuka goes flying out like he just murdered his girlfriend and the cops are asking questions. Luckily in the UK you can always evade police by playing “Yackety Sax” and running around the countryside. Kids today love Benny Hill references, I’ve heard. Barbarian beats on him out there and back in for an elbowdrop that gets two. Backbreaker follows and a side slam gets two. Barbarian with the bearhug and Piper thinks that the referee should stop the match. I agree. As if in agreement with the need to end this abomination of a match, the lights suddenly go out in the arena and they have to switch to a spotlight, but the match MUST CONTINUE. So Barbarian misses an elbow as I wish they would have wrestled in the dark because it would have improved the match about 150%, and Snuka gets two off that. Bodypress gets two, but Barbarian rolls through for two and then tosses Snuka. Back in with a sunset flip, but Barbarian grabs the ropes, so the ref pulls him off and Snuka gets the pin at 16:20. Man, once it got dark and I couldn’t see very well, I saw the slow paced terrible match and furry boots and assumed it was Taya Valkyrie! Am I right, guys? HIGH FIVE! DUD

The Berzerker v. The British Bulldog

Speaking of terrible wrestlers with furry boots! Thankfully they have fixed the lighting issue and then some, as we learn that in fact Winston’s cousin is also named Winston. They fight for the lockup and Davey gets a dropkick off that, but Berzerker won’t go down. So they take it to the mat and exchange headbutts, before Bulldog charges and hits furry boot in the corner. Berzerker drops a pair of knees and puts Bulldog down with another headbutt while Piper tells tales of contests in England where men put their hands behind their backs and headbutt each other for fun. Sounds like a BCC training session. Berzerker with a big boot and he goes to the chinlock, but he misses a charge and Bulldog makes the comeback. Berzerker reverses out of the powerslam for two, however. Back to the chinlock and Davey fights out of that, but Berzerker boots him down again and chokes away on the ropes as Davey has somehow managed to get a bloody nose. I mean, I’ve never heard of John Nord working too snug on someone but there’s a first time for everything I suppose. Finally Berzerker misses a chage and Davey makes a comeback, but he gets tossed out again and Fuji gets a cheapshot with the cane. Once again, if history teaches us anything, it’s that Scandinavians teamed up with the Japanese means TROUBLE for the UK. I’m pretty sure I read that on the internet somewhere. Back in, Berzerker with a piledriver and Davey is FOOKED, but Berzerker misses a kneedrop and he makes the comeback. Berzerker bumps over the top off a clothesline, and back in for an impressively high backdrop and suplex for two. You can’t say Nord isn’t going up for Bulldog tonight. Berzerker misses a charge and does the Slaughter bump off that, and the powerslam finishes at 15:52. Way too long for what it was, but I’ve seen worse from both and Nord was pretty determined to put Bulldog over huge here and mostly succeeded. **1/4.

Jake Roberts v. Earthquake

We get a whole pathos play to start as Quake protests the snake at ringside and refuses to start the match. So Jake puts the bag under the ring and we’re off. Jake gets some shots on the ropes and slugs Earthquake down to escape a chokeslam, but he tries for the DDT early and Quake grabs the ropes to block. Come on, it’s only 4:00 into the match and everything is running 15:00 tonight so far, he should have known that wasn’t the finish! So Quake heads out and looks for the snake bag, but Jake makes the save with a kneelift. You can actually kind of do a head-canon story where Quake squashing the snake later on broke Jake emotionally, and prompted him to turn evil after Summerslam because he no longer had his snake to care for. Back in the ring, Quake goes to work on Jake’s knee as I once again stop to contemplate that Earthquake was only 27 YEARS OLD at this point. I still can’t even wrap my head around it. So Quake works the knee on the mat as Vince wonders what Jake can do when faced with the girth of Earthquake. I think we all wonder about that. Quake drops the elbow for two but pulls him up because he wants the butt splash. Jake bails to the floor to escape that, so Quake grabs the snake and he’s about to squash it, so Jake chases him off and pulls out the snake for the DQ at 11:00. This didn’t really go anywhere and the finish didn’t make a lot of sense. *

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Sgt. Slaughter

Interestingly, Sarge is wearing his usual gear here and not the khaki suit and pointy boots from the Wrestlemania VII buildup. The Iraqi forces attack to start, but Hulk chases them off and Slaughter immediately does the turnbuckle bump to the floor. So he grabs a Union Jack from a fan at ringside and chokes Sarge out with that, which seems a tad disrespectful to the flag, and he beats on Slaughter back in the ring. Hulk with clotheslines and he slugs Sarge down and out of the ring again, and back in for another ringpost bump from Sarge. And then Hulk slingshots him into the post and then picks him up and runs him into the post again before slugging away on the mat. Finally Slaughter rakes the face and sends Hulk to the floor for some shenanigans from Gen Adnan. Back to the apron, but Sarge goes after Hulk’s fireball scars and slugs him down for two. More punishment on the ropes as Hogan appears to have a maxi-pad hanging off his forehead. Slaughter puts the boots to him and follows with a backbreaker, which gets two. Sarge goes to the top and Hulk slams him off, but then misses an elbow and Sarge beats on the back some more. Sarge with the abdominal stretch, but Hulk reverses it and Sarge somehow escapes with a hiptoss. I thought that was it! Sarge with the camel clutch and Hulkamania is about to die right here in the UK. Slaughter demands that the bell be rung, but if there’s one thing we know about Earl Hebner, it’s that he would never prematurely ring the bell for a submission hold in a World title match in a foreign country! Sarge goes up and drops a knee on Hogan’s back, but that gets two and it’s time for the Hulk Up. Big boot results in the ref getting bumped, so Adnan throws a chair into the ring and Slaughter does his weird improv where he can’t lift the chair because Hulk is out of position. So he hits Hebner instead, but charges and drops the chair and now Adnan runs in. So he throws powder and hits Sarge by mistake, and Hulk drops the leg for the pin at 16:30 to retain. The finish was way overbooked but the match was fine. **1/2.

I would definitely not classify this as “PPV quality”, as it was pretty much house show matches stretched to 15:00 each with better production values. It’s certainly watchable and the crowd is suitably hot, so I leave it to your discretion if you can track down a copy.