The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 07.25.02

The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 07.25.02

The site is getting a redesign, probably starting Wednesday. Some colors are changing. We’ll work through it together, don’t worry.

I know we just had an episode of this reviewed but I want to get back on Tuesday mornings for these to line up with the dates. Also this was a pretty notable episode that I was excited watch again.

Stephanie McMahon does a horribly overproduced introduction to the show from “backstage”, complete with audio effects and “edgy” camera cuts, plus crowd reactions overdubbed on top of it. Surprised she didn’t also announce that the show was being rebranded to “X” while she was at it.

By the way, I’m skipping Vengeance, but Rock is the new WWE champion and the Unamericans are the new tag team champions.

Taped from Indianapolis, IN

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Tazz

Kurt Angle v. Mark Henry

Henry powers Kurt down to start, but Kurt takes him down and goes for a facelock. Henry powers out of that, being the World’s Strongest Man and whatnot, and then hits him with a press slam. But a blind charge misses and Angle hits him with a back suplex for two. Henry powerslams him and hits his corner splash on the second try, however, but before he can finish, Brock Lesnar runs in for the DQ at 3:00 and hits Henry with an F5 in a crazy move. They were having a pretty fun match before the fuck finish. **.

Meanwhile, Kurt confronts Brock backstage, and Brock laughs it off because he’s got the title shot at Summerslam and Kurt’s days as #1 guy are over. Nice bit of foreshadowing there.

Meanwhile, Stacy stops by Stephanie’s office, and apparently Vince fired her. Steph is like “LOL you’re a whore and my dad found another whore to replace you”. But then she gets flowers from Uncle Eric and she’s so MAD that she throws them against the wall, really showing off all her acting range in one backstage promo! I too am filled with emotions about all these RAW and Smackdown superstars moving between the shows in violation of their contractual agreements! GOSH DARNIT!

Val Venis v. Reverend D-Von

Luckily Val brings his Hardcore Porn partner, Bob Holly, to ringside to watch his back. Val gets some slams on D-Von and drops an elbow for two. But then D-Von dumps him and takes over in the ring. D-Von slugs away in the corner and gets a necksnap for two. The announcers of course have to put over Stephanie and the amazing card SHE’S put together for tonight on HER show. Val makes the comeback with the Seaman’s suplex, but Batista makes the save and gets into a brawl with Holly. And that allows Val to finish with the Blue Ball Thunder Bomb at 3:20. I believe this was the beginning of the end of the stupid Reverend D-Von character. *

Meanwhile, Stacy has a meeting with security guys, and Edge is walking by in the background, so they all run after him because he might be signing with RAW.

Meanwhile, Lance Storm and Christian celebrate their tag title win, which they accomplished by doing it in an Un-American way: Working hard and winning on their own merits.

Meanwhile, security tries to keep Edge from leaving the building, but Steph steps in and wants to know his deal. He’s Smackdown through and through! But he’s got a video tape, which he gives to the truck. And it’s got a clock playing on it, which apparently is counting down to the end of the show, when he’s got a cage match with Chris Jericho. So he just happened to have a video tape queued to the exact moment when he’d get to the truck? Stephanie tells the director to leave the clock running on the screen for the rest of the show.

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle might be talking to Eric Bischoff on the phone! OH NO!

Rikishi v. Albert

Albert comes in with the pump kick and slugs away in the corner because he’s apparently trying to impress GM Stephanie with RUTHLESS AGGRESSION. Can you imagine Orange Cassidy on this show? He’d be fired in no time. Corner splash follows and a pump splash gets two. Rikishi comes back with a samoan drop and Cheeks of Fire to set up the Stinkface, and the banzai drop finishes at 2:43. But Albert was so ruthless and aggressive, and he still lost! I hope he signs with Eric Bischoff now to get revenge. 1/2*.

Meanwhile, Stephanie learns that Kurt Angle was talking to “somebody named Eric” on the phone, and she naturally jumps to conclusions about that and freaks out, leaving him a panicked voicemail. Kevin Nash needs to teach these marks how to negotiate contract increases. Also this brings up how ridiculous the basic premise behind the storyline is, because we’re supposed to believe that these dorks are in fear of their jobs if they don’t perform for Stephanie, but we’re also supposed to be invested in not wanting them to go elsewhere at the same time.

WWE tag team titles: Lance Storm & Christian v. Hulk Hogan & The Rock

Chances of an actual finish here have to be hovering around 0.01% or less. The canned heat for the entrances are really, really overdone here. Like you need to sweeten THE ROCK’S entrance pop? Lance beats on Hulk to start and puts him down with a clothesline, but Hulk pops up and the babyfaces pinball Storm in the corner. Over to Rock, and he gets a suplex for two. The champs get some offense on him in the corner, but Rock shrugs it off and suplexes Christian before walking into a leg lariat. That gets two. Rock comes back with the spinebuster, but the WILD CARD Test pulls him out of the ring before the People’s Elbow to break that up. Back in, Storm gets two off that. Rock fights back with a neckbreaker on Christian, but Test pulls Rock out again and drops him on the announce table this time. Back in, that gets two for Christian. Storm slugs away in the corner while Cole declares that they’re RIPPING THE HEART OUT OF AMERICA. That’s a shame. Rock fights them off and dives for a tag, but as usual Hogan isn’t there, brother. So Rock DDTs Storm and this time Hulk decides to show up for the tag and he runs wild. So the challengers brawl with them and Christian hits the Unprettier on Hulk for two, but he Hulks up and drops the leg. And then Brock Lesnar runs in for the DQ at 9:15, hitting Hulk with an F5. And that’s the last hurrah for Hulk as tag team specialist. Obviously the match was good given the people involved and had great heat. ***.

Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar bullies his way into taking Hulk Hogan’s limo. Oh man, haven’t we all been THERE? You get a stretch limo reserved for you at the wrestling show, and then someone just goes and takes it! Probably don’t even get your deposit on the champagne bucket back. Hulk probably had to take, like, a taxi or something, just like a commoner! They’re just like us!

Hulk should ask for a match with Brock next week to settle this, then Brock will be sorry I bet!

Meanwhile, John Cena makes fun of Test’s teeth and calls him a Canadian woodchuck. So then Test shows up and slaps him for talking shit about him. GOOD.

Meanwhile, Stephanie finds Chris Jericho backstage and wants to make sure he’s happy on Smackdown. Of course he’s happy! He gives Steph a copy of his new CD and later he’s going to beat Edge into a pool of his own blood.

Chavo Guerrero v. Rey Mysterio

So this is obviously’s Rey debut, complete with the “jumping out of the stage” entrance that became iconic, pretty much blowing away anything WCW ever did with him right out of the gate. Including immediately putting the mask back on him so they could SELL A SHITLOAD OF MASKS. Astonishing gambit, I know. Chavo works the arm to start and Rey immediately flies up with a headscissor takedown for two and what was nearly a poison rana. Rey with a sunset flip for two, but Chavo drops him with a german suplex and beats on him in the corner. Chavo with an abdominal stretch to work the ribs, but Rey reverses out for two. He goes up and Chavo dropkicks him to counter, for two. Chavo tosses him and Rey takes a sliding bump to the floor facefirst, and back in for a gutbuster from Chavo that gets two. Rey dropkicks Chavo to the floor, however, and follows with a corkscrew tope. Back in, Rey goes up again with the seated senton, but Chavo fights back, so Rey gets a bridging cradle for two. Chavo cuts him off with the Gory Bomb for two, but Chavo charges and Rey takes him down and debuts the 619 before dropping the dime to finish at 5:52. A home run of a debut for Rey that accomplished about 17 things in the first match and made him look like a giant star. ***1/2.

Meanwhile, Rey bumps into grumpy Canadian woodchuck Test, and gets thrown into the wall as a result.

Test v. John Cena

Cena has blue and white gear tonight, which I assume is in reference to the local sportsball team. Test dumps him right away, but Cena fights back with a dropkick before running into a corner clothesline. Test slugs him down, but misses an elbow and Cena makes a comeback before running into a knee. Cena with a DDT and he makes the comeback with forearms, but Test tries for the pumphandle and Cena reverses into a powerbomb for two. Test with another pumphandle slam, and this time it gets two. Cena gets his wacky rollup off that, but it only gets two, and then another rollup variation finishes at 3:25. And Test lays him out with the big boot to immediately get his heat back. You gotta protect Test, you just gotta. *

Meanwhile, Stephanie still can’t get a hold of Kurt Angle and she’s getting really mad at him via voicemail and DEMANDS he return tonight with his decision.

Steel cage match: Edge v. Chris Jericho

Edge attacks Jericho on the way into the cage, but Jericho runs him into the cage and puts the boots to him in the corner. Edge beats on him with chops, so Jericho tries to run out of the cage and Edge hauls him down and drops him to the mat. Jericho gets tied in the ropes and Edge tries a spear, but Jericho runs him into the STEEL and takes over. Cole brings up that Jericho is the first Undisputed champion. Whew, I was beginning to forget that fact. Hopefully Jericho brings it up again sometime in the future. Edge is busted open and Jericho gives us some cheese grater action before running him into the cage again for two. Reminder: This match brought to you by GM Stephanie McMahon! Everyone thank her. Jericho ties him up in the ropes and beats on the cut, but he charges and runs into the cage himself. Edge comes back and tries to climb out, but Jericho cuts him off, so Edge brings him down with a facebuster from the top for two. Once again, we must give GM Stephanie McMahon all the credit for this match, according to Cole. Even though Edge was the one who asked for it in storyline. Jericho tries for the Walls, but Edge reverses out of it, and Jericho tries crawling for the door instead. Edge cuts that off, but Jericho manages to pull a chair into the ring and blasts Edge with that for two. Another try misses and Edge spears him for two. Edge climbs the cage again, but Jericho hits him in the nuts to stop him and brings him down with a top rope bulldog for the double down. Jericho is up first and makes the climb, making it all the way to the top of the cage before Edge manages to grab his hair and haul him down with an electric chair off the top rope for another double down. In the Observer recap of this show, Dave is amazed that someone finally came up with a name for that move, which he had apparently never heard before despite being around since at least the 80s if not earlier. Edge fights up first, climbs the cage, and exits for the win at 13:15. An excellent TV main event. ****.

And then the Unamericans hit the ring and proceed with the beatdown on Edge, but rookie sensation John Cena tries to save and gets beaten down as well. But then Rey Mysterio dives off the top of the cage to save for real in a memorable spot, and the Edge/Rey/Cena trio cleans house and chases them off. This was the first real attempt at making fresh new babyfaces in quite a while, and given that we still remember it today, it was pretty effective. Of course Cena would have a major speedbump in his “future of Smackdown” destiny ahead of him, but we’ll get to that.

Meanwhile, Eric pulls up in another limo while Stephanie freaks out, demanding that he “get the hell out of MY parking lot”. And he drives off with a mystery person in the limo with him, who is apparently jumping from Smackdown and will be on RAW this Monday. And then Kurt Angle shows up and clarifies that he was on the phone with Eric ANGLE, his brother. And we leave the show wondering who was in the limo. Spoiler from 21 years ago: It was Chris Jericho, butthurt over losing the cage match.

I wasn’t a huge fan of the Stephanie stuff to say the least, but the second hour of this was excellent and actually showed that they could make new babyfaces if they needed to do so. I’ve got high hopes for this John Cena kid.