The SmarK Rant for Pro Wrestling USA – 10.06.84

The SmarK Rant for Pro Wrestling USA – 10.06.84

I think we’re gonna pull the plug on the AWF now after seeing Tito Santana crowned as champion, so let’s take a look at the bizarre “supershow” concept from 1984 that was a joint promotion between Jim Crockett and Verne Gagne, forged from a desire to keep Vince McMahon from expanding nationally. And yes it worked out about as well as you’d imagine.

Taped from Memphis, TN

Hosted by Jack Reynolds and Terry Funk

Bob Backlund joins us to start, as Reynolds introduces him as “the World heavyweight champion”. Backlund immediately complains that “they” took the title away from him because he wouldn’t lower his standards and do something that he wasn’t proud of. Also he’s not going to tell your children not to take a pill and then “sneak around the corner and take one himself”. That seems like a very specifically targeted allegation. Backlund sure sounded like he was taking some pills while doing this promo, with the cadence of a serial killer.

The Spoiler & Phil Hickerson v. The Fabulous Ones

This would be a Memphis goober version of the Spoiler, I presume Roger Smith, not the more famous one. Keirn controls the Spoiler with some hiptosses, and then Lane comes in against big fat Phil Hickerson and throws him around with hiptosses as well. Spoiler gets a cheapshot on Keirn and runs away, but (spoiler) runs into Keirn’s back elbow in the ring. Keirn works on Spoiler’s knee and Lane gets a legsweep for two. Back to Hickerson, but the Fabs switch off behind the ref’s back. WAIT A MINUTE. Has anyone considered the possibility that Lane switched off with Keirn behind the referee’s back when doing the DNA test? Maybe STEVE KEIRN has been Lauren Boebert’s father this whole time! HUGE IF TRUE. The Memphis goobers double-team Lane in the corner for a bit, but the Fabs regroup and hit a double DDT on Hickerson and get the pin at 6:12. I mean, the production value is there for the time, but it’s a pretty basic 1984 squash match.

Meanwhile, Handsome Jimmy Valiant hangs out on a beach to the tune of “Life’s Been Good”, which shows breathtaking amounts of misunderstanding of what that song was about.

The Road Warriors v. Keith Eric & Tracy Smothers

This show must have been taped in Memphis because they’re using Memphis jobbers and Lance Russell is the ring announcer. Terry Funk randomly joins Jack on commentary while the Warriors throw Tracy around, while wearing LEATHER CHAPS mind you. Hawk brings Eric in and chokes him out, and Animal bearhugs Tracy. Eric manages to break it up, but Animal stiffs the FUCK out of Smothers with a clothesline and pins him at 3:20. This reminded me of watching the Creeds hurl guys around the ring these days. Not in a good way.

The Rock N Roll Express joins Jack and they’re looking forward to “coming to the East”. Well that’s a pretty vague area of coverage. Robert mumbles about something related to rock n roll and then finishes with “you know what I mean?” No Robert, we do not. You never go full Boomhauer.

Superstar Billy Graham v. Ken Raper

Graham is managed by Jimmy Hart here, shortly before his complete fall down the karate rabbit hole. Graham gets some simple offense while Raper goes FLYING off every ridiculous “karate” shot, literally jumping 6 feet across the ring off a simple chop. Graham uses KARATE FINGERS in the corner and Raper continues taking ludicrous bumps off Graham’s ludicrous offense, and Graham gets a half-assed full nelson to finish at 2:23, as he can’t even be bothered to hook his fingers together. “He is brutal!” notes Jack Reynolds. You ain’t lying, brother. Spectacularly bad.

Jerry Lawler & Tommy Richv. The Nightmares

I presume this is the usual Nightmare team of Danny Davis and Ken Wayne. Lawler slugs it out with a Nightmare in the corner while Terry discusses his film career after doing Paradise Alley with Stallone. They do a wacky spot in the babyface corner as a Nightmare tries to run away from Rich but Lawler runs up and down the apron to keep him in the ring, until Rich is able to backdrop the guy. Lawler gets caught in the Nightmare corner and they try the same gag, but Lawler takes them both out instead. MJF and Adam Cole should steal that one immediately. Probably make a new best selling t-shirt out of it. Lawler gets worked over in the corner, but he runs a Nightmare into the corner and out to the floor. Back in, the Nightmares hit Rich with a cheapshot to take over and one of them gets an awkward hooking clothesline for one. Lawler gets the hot tag, however, and piledrives a Nightmare for the pin at 6:19.

Mr. Saito and Jimmy Hart up their open challenge to FORTY MILLION YEN for anyone who can beat him. That’s a lot of yen.

Mr. Saito v. Craig Carson

Saito takes Carson down with some armdrags and goes right into a cross armbreaker, and then takes him down and beats the hell out of him in the corner. Carson tries to fight back, but walks into a thrust kick in the corner, and Saito follows with a back elbow and snaps him out of the corner before finishing with the Scorpion Deathlock at 2:32. Hell of a squash here, actually.

Tony Atlas joins Jack and he’s happy to be in Pro Wrestling USA because he used to be Mr. USA, in case you hadn’t heard. Then he tells the story of having to break ice to wash his face and sweep the dirt floor as a kid. Sometimes he lifts 500 pounds and then decides to put another 10 pounds on it because 500 wasn’t enough! We can all relate to that.

Dirty Dutch Mantel v. Harley Race

Reynolds introduces Race as “former AWA World champion” before Funk corrects him. Also Funk is confused about why they call him “Handsome” Harley, much like the rest of us. Race gets a cheapshot and works Dutch over in the corner while Sheik Adnan scouts the match at ringside. Race drops a knee and hits the piledriver for two. Race beats on him some more in the corner and adds a delayed suplex, so delayed they should call it the new season of Big Brother, and that finishes at 2:20. Apparently Dutch’s career wasn’t quite on the upward trajectory yet in 1984.

This was…kind of good, actually? I was expecting a spectacular trainwreck and it was actually well-produced and reasonably watchable stuff. I guess we’ll carry on and see what happens from here.