The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 07.22.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 07.22.23

Oh man I finally figured out that I can just install Surfshark directly on my Android TV to access FITE without having to cast from my computer. So much easier now. Plus I can screw around with the different versions of Netflix and Amazon Prime worldwide.

Live from Newark, NJ. Just noticed that they have custom show openings every week based on who’s wrestling that week, ala SNME. So cool.

Your hosts are Ian Riccaboni & Nigel McGuinness

Ricky Starks joins us to start with all of the pyro, like someone was sitting there hitting all the buttons on the controller during his entrance in Fight Forever. Which by the way is a thing you can do. I don’t know if it was just FITE’s feed but before Ricky starts to talk, the screen flashes “YES / NO” in a transparent overlay for some reason. So Ricky shows off his own bag, which has nothing in it but it’s made by Gucci, and lets us know that he’s stylish and sexy and wins by any means necessary. So CM Punk interrupts, also unpopular in Jersey, and he’s really kind of proud of Ricky for cheating to win. But then Ricky mouths off and about Punk’s little red bag, and that’s what angers Punk, but then Christian interrupts. “What kind of a man carries around a title he didn’t win?” Christian notes. OK I laughed pretty hard at that one. So then this brings out Darby, who accuses Luchasaurus of doing many drugs and thinking he’s a dinosaur. So this gives us a main event of Darby Allin & CM Punk v. Ricky Starks & Christian Cage. This felt like a RAW opener segment.

Meanwhile, Andrade shows up and immediately gets escorted out so he doesn’t interfere in the Trios title match.

Bullet Club Gold v. Action Andretti & Darius Martin

Andretti quickly hits a springboard press on ROCK HARD Juice Robinson for two and the babyfaces run wild and clean house. Juice tries a german suplex on Andretti, but he lands on his feet, so Juice puts him down with a side kick and it’s over to Jay White as BCG takes over. Juice with a neckbreaker off the apron and the Gunns are as annoying as humanly possible, which draws Darius over to save. So White tosses him into the railing and the heels all go pew pew pew to celebrate. They should call themselves the Pew Pew Crew. Juice lays out Andretti on the floor again and White sends him into the railing and then runs Darius into the railing as well for fun. Back in, that gets two on Andretti. Juice blows some ROCK HARD boogers on Andretti (Crowd: “You sick fuck!”) and goes to a chinlock before trying a delayed suplex, so delayed that Andretti is able to reverse into a cradle for two. White tries to cut off the tag, but Darius gets the hot hand and runs wild with a cool double DDT for two. He goes up with a crossbody on White for two. Martin with a dive on ROCK HARD Juice Robinson and Andretti adds a moonsault press on the Pew Pew Crew, which sets up a shotgun dropkick combo move from Martin and Andretti on White for two. Andretti goes up and Juice hangs him in the Tree of Woe before hitting both babyfaces with cannonballs to cut off the comeback. And the LEFT HAND OF GOD sets up the Blade Runner to finish at 10:18. I really like this Martin and Andretti team but ultimately they looked like geeks here. Another showcase of the greatness that is ROCK HARD Juice Robinson and this was really good for what it was. ***1/4

Last week, Willow wins the Owen Hart cup, but then does a job to Athena at the ROH PPV. That one makes no sense, honestly. It’s not like there’s a deep women’s division in ROH for Athena and Willow is the hot hand right now.

Miro v. Nick Comorodo

I guess Nick is done with whatever his last QT goon gimmick was. He attacks Miro in the aisle and hits an awkward slam for two in the ring, but an annoyed Miro suplexes him out of the corner and superkicks him to set up GAME OVER at 1:28. Usual Miro squash here.

Meanwhile, we look at the AEW history of FTR to date.

AEW World Trios title: The House of Black v. The Acclaimed & Daddy Ass

Oh man, Caster just had to bring up Buddy’s marital issues recently, what with Rhea getting very close to Dom lately and all. So he understandably attacks and the House absolutely kicks his ass and lays him out in the ring, as Black puts him down with an elbow for two. Brody with a senton and Buddy goes back for more punishment, but Caster fights him off and King cuts off the hot tag at the last second. So Caster superkicks Buddy as Daddy Ass takes care of Brody, and it’s hot tag Gunn. And then Brody just levels him with a lariat, and Black Mass finishes him at 4:35. * Basically just a squash, but frankly Max had it coming. Accusing the scary goth monster of getting cucked is usually not a wise move. But then the House gives Billy some whispered words on the way out, and Billy responds by unlacing his boots and leaving them in the ring. He’s barely even Saudi main eventer age yet! That’s too young to retire!

FTR joins us to warn Adam Cole not to trust MJF next week, and also they’re pretty offended that the challengers are doing comedy skits and not taking them seriously. Speaking of which, you can now buy a DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE shirt on the AEW shop.

Taya Valkyrie v. Skye Blue

Hopefully no storms ruin the finish of this one. Speaking of which, they have literally not mentioned Battle of the Belts at all since it happened or showed any highlights, which exactly the kind of self-fulfilling prophecy that leaves no one caring about watching those shows. And just like BOTB never happened, Taya is right back to being a heel again. Although the announcers finally mention that the show occurred at least. Taya puts the boots to Skye in the corner to start and overpowers her, but Skye fights back with a kneelift on the ropes, before Taya sends her to the floor in an awkward spot. Back in, Blue trips her up and slugs away on the ropes, but Taya gets a Blue Thunder bomb for two. She stomps away in the corner and adds the running knees for two. Taya with a full nelson and she chokes Skye out in the corner for two. Skye fights back, but Taya puts her down with a clothesline and they’re both down. Skye comes back with the swinging kick and goes up with a flying bodypress for two. Taya puts her in the ropes for the sliding german to cut off the comeback and then puts her down with a lariat for two. And the curb stomp finishes at 8:51. Kind of a slow and clunky match here. ** I don’t get why they keep jobbing Skye out when she’s got so much buzz going. Who is she, LA Knight? And then Taya challenges Britt Baker for Dynamite.

And speaking of Dynamite, they’re actually doing Pac v. Gravity next week? I guess meme booking is a kind of booking.

Christian Cage & Ricky Starks v. CM Punk & Darby Allin

Punk gets a quick pair of rollups on Starks and then slugs away on Christian in the corner. So the babyfaces switch off and work on Christian’s arm in their corner, and Darby gets a cradle for two and backslide for two. Over to Punk, but he gets double-teamed for a bit before coming back with a snap suplex on Starks for two. Punk and Darby clear the ring and Punk hits a dive, followed by a coffin drop from Darby onto the floor. Back in the ring, Punk beats on Starks in the corner as the crowd seems undecided about how they feel about him, and Punk takes Cage down with a leglock. Starks gets a cheapshot, however, allowing Christian to send Punk into the railing with a baseball slide to take over. Back in the ring, Christian chokes away on the ropes. Starks comes in with a fistdrop and the heels work Punk over while Scorpio Sky watches in a skybox. Darby gets a hot tag after a while and hits Cage with a Code Red, but he dives at Luchasaurus and lands flat on his face after bouncing off him. Back in the ring, the heels take over again and Starks whips him into the corner for two. Lariat gets two. Darby gets tossed and beats the count back in, and Starks gets two off that. Christian goes up and misses the splash, but Starks distracts Punk and prevents the hot tag. So Cage and Starks put the boots to Darby, but he makes the tag to Punk and the crowd is unimpressed. Punk with the FULL BODY LIFTS AND SLAMS and running knees in the corners. Pepsi Twist on Cage gets two. Punk goes up with a bodypress and Christian rolls through for two. Christian goes up and Punk backdrops him to the mat in a spot you don’t see often, and drops the flying elbow for two. Back to Starks and they fight over a backslide. Darby comes in again, but collides with Starks in a weird spot and Ricky hits the Rochambeau for two. Starks with a superplex, but Darby reverses to an inverted DDT from the top for two. Punk takes out Christian with a GTS on the floor, but Luchasaurus takes out Darby and Starks rolls him up in the ropes for the pin at 25:06. If it was 10 minutes shorter it would have been an excellent main event but it was way too long after a very mid-level show and I wasn’t feeling invested enough in the insta-feud tag for a 30 minute match to work. ***

I do want to call out Ian Riccaboni, who I think has hit it out of the park in his two appearances thus far and probably could just be the permanent host at this point. But this week’s show had not much going in and didn’t deliver very much compelling to hold my attention. It was an OK, fairly solid two hours of wrestling, but definitely nothing I would have felt bad about missing. And the crowd didn’t seem that invested either. Next week will be the big one, though.