The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 07.19.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 07.19.23

RIP to Rick Scaia. The News from Dayton is all bad tonight, I’m afraid.

For those who don’t follow me on the socials, I’ve been in North Dakota for the past few days on a sort of vacation, and I’ll do a full report when I review Smackdown 2002 tomorrow. But for the moment I just got back into Canada and I just want to get Dynamite done and get the hell to bed.

Live from Boston, MA, and brought to you by SHARK WEEK. Since they need writers in Hollywood at the moment, I’ll give Zaslav an idea for free because I don’t really like unions anyway: The BLOOD IN THE WATER match. It’s a match on the Jericho Cruise with the pool surrounding the ring again, but this time there’s SHARKS swimming around, and whoever falls into the water first loses, and gets eaten live on TBS. THEY’LL MAKE MILLIONS. I presume I’ll at least get residual cheques for the idea and some points on the streaming deal, right? RIGHT?

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Excalibur & Taz

FTW title: Hook v. Jack Perry

Apparently Jungle Boy is no more, and has been buried in the desert by Jack Perry in some Superman III shit. And he gets picked up by a mysterious limo, and come on, we all know who’s providing that ride. So Jack charges in and gets his ass beat in the corner before running away yet again, but this time Hook catches him and runs him into the crowd before clobbering him back to ringside again. Back in the ring, Perry cuts him off with an eyepoke and beats him down as we take a break. Back with Perry trying a german suplex off the apron, but Hook counters with a T-Bone suplex off the apron that is breathtaking in all the wrong ways. Perry’s gotta stop taking those bumps. Hook goes after him, but Jack catches him with a draping DDT from the apron to the floor, which leads to Hook beating the count at 9. Perry with a german suplex, but he’s HOOKING UP and Hook hits his own german for two. Another one gets two as he hangs on, so Jack goes low and hits his running elbow for two. Jack grabs the belt, but the ref is bumped in the melee, and Hook gets a visual pinfall off a suplex. And Perry hits him with the FTW title to get the pin and the belt at 12:00, with a self-satisfied smirk on his face the whole time. So that ends Hook’s undefeated record and finally gets Perry his first singles title. My wife the Jungle Boy-lover was very upset about this new character for Perry, so it’s definitely working I’d say. Match was OK but a little long for what Hook is capable of. **1/2

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho has dinner with noted POS Don Callis.

Meanwhile, Adam Cole talks MJF into their own dinner at a Chinese restaurant, and Max once again tells the tale of the SASKATOON SLAM, in front of 93000 screaming Maxamaniacs. So the food is REALLY spicy and they accidentally pound 100 proof alcohol and get drunker as MJF’s telling of the story gets more ridiculous and they tease the DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE on the poor waiter before we cut away. Stop teasing us with it! The people need the double clothesline!

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho and Don Callis continue to renew their friendship. More proof that Winnipeg sucks.

Dr. Britt Baker DMD v. Kayla Sparks

Britt quickly hits the sling blade and puts her away with the Lockjaw at 0:56. OK then.

Meanwhile, Adam Cole and MJF give each other matching gear, which has poor Roderick feeling left out again. You can’t stop the double clothesline, man. You can only hope to contain it.

Blind Eliminator tag team tournament final: MJF & Adam Cole v. Daniel Garcia & Sammy Guevara

MJF’s reaction to Cole using a mashup of their music justifies the whole tournament. And then we are unable to ring the bell because MJF and Garcia need to have a dance off first, and of course Sammy can’t resist that. Sadly Adam Cole’s moves are not up to the Jagger standard, so MJF shuts it all down and the JAS attacks. MJF and Cole double-team Garcia with eyepokes and Cole finally calls for the DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE, but that would end the match too fast and Sammy wisely pulls his partner out to save him from certain doom. But then they just cheat and take over anyway. We take a break and return with the heels working MJF over as Sammy cuts off the tag, which sets up MJF doing the most awesomely ridiculous setup of the headbutt-to-the-groin spot since the 70s in Memphis. I need to see this team against Jarrett and Lethal so bad, I can’t even describe it. MJF finally does make the tag and runs wild on Garcia, who dances aggressively at the ref in response. So Cole superkicks him, but Sammy breaks up the Boom. But then MJF comes back and it’s time for the double clothesline, which Sammy turns into a Spanish Fly instead in the biggest heel move of the night. MJF tries a Crossroads and Sammy escapes, but Cole gets the superkick and this time GARCIA breaks up the double clothesline with a double clip. This match is KILLING me! We’re never gonna see it! So Cole dumps them and offers MJF the dive, but he’s not ready for it yet. But Cole pumps him up with FRIENDSHIP and MJF finally does his first tope suicida. Back in, Cole with the Panama Sunrise, and it’s the DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE OF DOOM to finish Garcia and win the tournament at 11:00! ZOMG! They did it! I didn’t think they were gonna do the double clothesline but then they DID. Sure, some might consider last Saturday’s tag title match the best of all time, but we all know better. ********. But then Cole goes in for a huge and accidentally touches the World title, and the façade just about shatters two weeks early. Also the JAS appears to no longer appreciate Jericho.

I don’t know if it’s Jimmy Jacobs doing the WWE stuff behind the scenes or what but I LOVE the distinct directions for Dynamite and Collison. Speaking of which, they show highlights of Collision from last week, but don’t even mention that Battle of the Belts happened.

Meanwhile, Darby Allin asks Orange Cassidy to grant a title shot to AR Fox next week, but then he and Nick Wayne walk away from the hands-in celebration. Rude.

BLOOD & GUTS: Claudio Castagnoli & Wheeler Yuta & Jon Moxley & Konosuke Takeshita & Pac v. Kenny Omega & Nick Jackson & Matt Jackson & Hangman Page & Kota Ibushi

We start with Kenny and Claudio, and Claudio beats on him with forearms in the corner before powering him into a backbreaker. So the crowd chants “Use this ring”, but Claudio declines beause he’s a heel. So Kenny comes back with a crossbody and slugs away, before tossing Claudio into the other ring to make that side of the crowd happy. Kenny beats on him with chops and chokes away in the corner, but Claudio fires back until Kenny snaps off a rana. Pac is the next guy at 5:00 and he beats on old enemy Kenny with kicks as we take a break. Back with Hangman Page making the save and cleaning house with a powerbomb on Pac and moonsault off the wall of the cage and onto Claudio. So they pair off and Kenny smashes Claudio into the cage, but Jon Moxley is the next guy for the BCC. And he’s got a fork, apparently having watched Dark Side of the Ring last night. So the babyfaces get repeatedly forked, but Moxley grabs a bucket from under the ring and it’s a literal bucket of broken glass. I can either go Dan Aykroyd or Annie Lennox with the reference, maybe I’ll run a poll later.

Nick Jackson is next and he dropkicks Mox into the glass right away and runs wild like he just got a hot tag, resulting in Claudio taking a back bump into the glass. But then Moxley drops Nick into the glass to cut him off. Yeah that’ll do it. I mean, I’m sure it’s just sugared glass, because it’s still gotta hurt like fuck. The BCC beats on the babyfaces, and Wheeler Yuta joins us as we take another break. Back with Matt Jackson evening things up and hitting Yuta with a DDT on the chair. Risky Business on Moxley and the babyfaces mount a comeback, but Takeshita is the last guy for the BCC, as he brings a chair with him. The Bucks go flying for him via an impressive double german suplex, and Omega bumps into the remaining glass off a lariat. So with the glass all gone, Moxley finds a board covered in nails under the ring, as you usually do. And Kenny takes the first bump onto that, but probably not the last. So Mox literally slams Kenny onto a bed of nails, which I’m pretty sure you won’t see on Collision, but Kota Ibushi is the last man and he just punches the shit out of the BCC. Double Pele kick on Claudio and Pac, and he puts Moxley onto his own bed of nails and then moonsaults him, which is a more direct form of dramatic irony. So the Golden Lovers reunite and double-team Takeshita, but Pac stomps Ibushi IN HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE to cut that off. We take another break and return with Matt fighting Yuta on top of the cage, as we get some very elevated northern lights suplexes, before Yuta escapes and heads back into the relative safety of the ring.

The BCC are in control, so Matt dumps thumbtacks through the roof of the cage, allowing the Elite to slam Pac on them and make the comeback. Pac gets destroyed with moonsaults on the tacks and put into a double submission hold, but we take a break so obviously he’s not tapping. Back with the Elite hitting a series of superplexes, but Pac goes up the cage and puts Nick through a table with a double stomp in a crazy spot. So we get the big standoff spot that’s standard for these Wargames matches now, and everyone trades big moves, many of them on the glass, but Pac reverses the One Winged Angel into a chokehold. Also Claudio gets the Giant Swing on Matt to set up a Sharpshooter as things looked bad, but Ibushi uses the power of his kicks to save. The BCC regroups and they all go after Kenny, but inevitably Pac has had enough of being a team player and walks out on the match after one mistimed spot. Apparently you can just grab bolt cutters and leave, so he does that. So this leaves the BCC down 1 person, and the Elite destroy poor Yuta as a result, resulting in Don Callis also pulling Takeshita out of the match. And with no more backup, they choke out Yuta with a chain and make the BCC quit at 51:11. Poor Kota looked completely out of his element here but everyone else nailed the orgy of violence while still mixing in some storytelling. ****1/2.

Well it’s hard to fault much about this episode, aside from the completely pointless Britt Baker squash to fill a segment. Sadly it appears that our dream of an MJF-Adam Cole tag title reign will not be a reality before they self-destruct again, but we’ll always have that double clothesline at least. This was of course an all time great episode.