The SmarK Rant for AEW Battle of the Belts VII – 07.15.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Battle of the Belts VII – 07.15.23

Live from Calgary (even more dramatic pause) Alberta Canada

Your hosts are Ian Riccaboni & Nigel McGuinness

Ricky Starks, having won the Owen Hart cup at the end of Collision, grabs the cup away from Jushin Liger to continue his heelish change.

AEW International title: Orange Cassidy v. Lance Archer

Orange slugs away in the corner to start, but he tries to go up and Lance cuts him off with a crazy kneelift. That sets up the Blackout, but Orange counters with a sleeper. So Archer puts him down and out to the floor, as Orange wisely backs off and goes after Jake instead. He tries a rana on Archer, and gets smashed into the railing as a result. Archer celebrates by beating up some security guards, so Orange fights back with dropkicks while Lance is distracted and then piles security guards on him for good measure. That was a funny spot. Archer gets annoyed and runs Orange into the railing, and they head back into the ring with Orange still trying to evade him, unsuccessfully. Archer whips him around the ring and freshly squeezes Orange’s head while the crowd chants for Jake. Ian relates a story about Jake debuting in Stampede and coming from a Hawaiian tour, getting off the plane in shorts and a tank top and getting a rude awakening in Calgary. Archer smashes Orange with a suplex into the corner and blocks the stunner attempt, but Orange manages to hit him in the knee. Orange beats on him with kicks, but Archer just catches the Orange Punch and beats him down with the Black Hole slam for two. Orange bails again to escape, so Jake teases a DDT and Archer gets all offended and calls it off. So Orange dropkicks the knee and gives Archer his own DDT on the floor and Archer cheerfully no-sells it. But Orange fights him off long enough to beat the count at 10:20 and retain in kind of a bullshit finish. Not a great opener, as they had some freaky negative chemistry together and this just did not click at all. *1/2. Like you’d think that Orange selling for the whole match and making the comeback would be right in his wheelhouse but apparently not.

The Acclaimed join Tony in the ring, as Daddy Ass still loves cowgirls and promises to scissor the entire crowd later. Also Bowens announces that next week, they get another Trios title shot at the House of Black. That’s kind of random.

AEW Women’s title: Toni Storm v. Taya Valkyrie

Taya is going full pandering babyface tonight, hailing from Calgary and wearing Stampeder red. Storm puts the boots to her in the corner, but Taya fights back and chases her to the floor. Back in, Taya beats her down and chokes away on the ropes to set up the running knee for two. Toni bails to regroup and hauls Taya out for a hairtoss on the floor before Taya fights back with her own. Storm hits her with the hip attack off the apron and they fight on the floor again as Toni beats on her with chops and then chokes her out in the corner. Toni with a snap suplex for two. Toni with a full nelson on the mat and Ruby gets some cheapshots from the floor, which gets two. Taya comes back with the Blue Thunder bomb for two and hits Storm with her own hip attack in the corner, which gets two. And apparently Taya’s booty was too much for Fite to handle, as they were unready for that jelly and the feed breaks up and we go to color bars. I guess it was something with the weather. Match was going fine before we lost it so hopefully they show the finish later.

So when we finally pick up the show again about 10 minutes later, Martha Hart awards the Owen Hart belts to Willow and Ricky Starks.

TNT title: Christian Cage Luchasaurus v. Shawn Spears

Luchasaurus beats on Spears in the corner and chokes him out, and then slams him and goes to a nerve hold. Spears fights back and slugs away in the corner before chasing him to the floor with a clothesline. Spears stupidly goes after Christian, however, and Luchasaurus chokeslams him over the railing. “Do it again!” notes Christian, but to be fair the table is already broken. Back in the ring, Luchasaurus hits him with a chokeslam, but that only gets two. Christian sets up a chair and Spears sends Luchasaurus into it for a rollup that gets two, but Christian distracts him again and Luchasaurus finishes with the lariat to retain at 9:19 in a snoozefest. *

Like really, SHAWN SPEARS is your big hook for a title match in the main event? This wasn’t much of a show, unfortunately, as once Orange retained everything else was a foregone conclusion as usual. There’s more than enough AEW on TV right now, we don’t need these specials that serve absolutely no purpose any longer.