The SmarK Rant for AWF Warriors of Wrestling – Episode 9

The SmarK Rant for AWF Warriors of Wrestling – Episode 9

Halfway through.

Taped from Chicago, IL

Your hosts are Mick Karch & Terry Taylor

Batten down the hatches, because the entire hour is dedicated to the World title finals, which are scheduled for 12 rounds. The math doesn’t even work there. What are they gonna do if the match goes past 10 rounds, extend the show for another 30 minutes?

AWF World title tournament finals: Cowboy Bob Orton v. Tito Santana

We get a LIVE APPEARANCE from President Paul Alperstein (TAKE A DRINK!) as he is here to present the title belt to the winner. And your special referee is, HOLY SHIT, Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell! YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT! I’ll give good odds that Alperstein found him hanging out with the homeless people that made up the crowd while he was holding a sign that said “Will dropkick for food”. Jim runs down the rules of wrestling for the competitors (and probably for Alperstein) and sounds like he just came from Fargo ND, you betcha. Actually we’re driving down to Minot next week (tourism motto: “Minot? Why not!”) because I finally got my passport and Covid is apparently over, and sadly going to Fargo is a bit too far off our route to make it work. I’d really like to find that buried money, ya know? Otherwise as far as my American adventure goes, I want to go to a Sonic Drive In and get some Mr. Pibb and everything else is gravy while the women go shopping. They fight for the lockup to start and Tito takes him down with a headlock and grinds on that. And that’s the end of the exciting first round.

Round two and Taylor goes on a weird bit about how you’re not allowed to use a single finger when trying to escape a hold, and you have to use “the fingers as a unit” because that’s a rule of the AWF. Wut? So Orton works on the arm and Tito goes back to the headlock and yes, that is the entire second round, thanks for asking.

Round three and Pedro Morales is apparently slumming in this promotion and I’m surprised they didn’t stick him in the tournament too. Orton stalls for a while and just to further complicate the ridiculous rules here, apparently Brunzell is scoring the match on a “5 point must system” where the winner of the round gets 5 points and the loser gets 4, should the match go to a draw. Tito goes back to the headlock while Taylor claims that this is the “only World heavyweight title match brought to you in digital technology”. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. It’s shot on digital video in 1994? Anyway the entire round is Tito holding a headlock.

Round four and we learn that Brunzell has scored the match 14-13 for Tito thus far. Tito bridges into a backslide for two and goes back to the headlock on the mat after the one highspot of the match. Surprised that backslide didn’t blow them both up. And Tito headlocks Orton all the way to the end of the round as we have seriously gone more than 20 minutes thus far with Tito just doing a headlock the entire time.

Round five and Bob Orton has LOST A POINT for hitting Tito with a cheapshot between rounds. Hope you all updated your scorecards. Maybe call the bookies and check the new odds. Orton gets a slingshot under the ropes while we’re blessed with Rico Suave on commentary and Orton drops a fist on Tito for two. Orton pounds away on Tito and gets a sleeper and they overdub ridiculous canned heat, worse than when they try to pretend that the Bloodline angle gets any kind of crowd reaction, as the round comes to an end.

Round six and Tito gets a sunset flip for two, but Orton goes back to the sleeper and Tito gets a slow motion escape with a slow motion jawbreaker. Tito makes the comeback and Orton takes a ridiculous Terry Funk bump into the bottom turnbuckle off a punch. You sir are no Terry Funk. But then Tito charges and hits the boot, and Orton puts the boots to him and gets two. Orton is doing this weird thing where he delays making a cover, like he’s trying to stretch out every moment of the match to the absolute limit for some reason.

Round seven as the cure for insomnia continues. Tito whips him into the corner and Orton “bumps” onto the top turnbuckle, just slowly moving himself into position for Tito to boot him down again. Orton’s a pro but holy cow does he not give a single shit in this match. Can’t blame him. Tito goes for the figure-four and Orton shoves him into the corner to break, and then Tito runs him into the other corner to block a bulldog. Hey that was almost a bump from Orton! Tito goes up and misses a flying clothesline, and Orton gets two off that. They roll around on the mat, which is I guess supposed to be the big pinfall reversal sequence, and everyone gets tied up in the ropes as the round expires.

Round eight and Orton takes Tito to the top for the superplex, but Tito fights that off and gets a sunset flip for two. Orton with the piledriver, but Tito backdrops out of it, and Orton powerslams him for two. Orton with a backbreaker for two. Tito with a small package for two, and the flying forearm finishes at 37:43 to make Tito the first AWF World champion. And we get one more appearance from Paul Alperstein (TAKE A DRINK!) as he awards the belt to Tito and we wrap it up. I have no idea who thought booking these guys to go FORTY MINUTES would produce any kind of entertaining hour of TV. *1/2.

Well we made it through the World title tournament. We’ll always share that experience together.

Next time: Hell if I know.