WWF All Star Wrestling – April 14th, 1984

A little bit of variation from All American Wrestling this week, as I accidentally started watching an episode of All Star Wrestling and thought I’d just go with it. Fifty-nine minutes of goodness including commercials.

Vince McMahon brings us in backed by Modern Love by David Bowie as the production quality of the intro is on the rise.

The New Jersey Lottery – have you played today?

Ocean Pacific, which could totally be redone today with that synthwave love of Stranger Things.

The OFFICIAL WWF Magazine, including the Von Erichs, just how rowdy is Roddy Piper, and Tito Santana’s impossible dream.

On the stick, Vince McMahon and Gene Okerlund.

Tito Santana vs. Israel Matia

Tito is noticeably slimmer than later in the eighties and Matia is a bald, bearded barrel who looks like a cross between Mad Dog Vachon and Bad News Brown. As Tito works a headlock, Vince gets excited about a non-title match later in the show between Hulk Hogan and Samoan #1 (Afa). Matia bites to break, but Tito kicks away and puts this one to bed with the flying forearm. Nothing much to this one.

Update, with Vince McMahon. For discussion, Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff and his aggressive tactics, demonstrated by him piledriving Rudy Diamond as Vince creams himself on commentary. “OHHHHHHHHHHH! MY…. GOODNESS!” Had to love Vince marking out back in the day.

Cowboy Bob Orton vs. Jose Luis Rivera

Some pre-Ace action for Bob. Rivera actually gets the early advantage, but Orton forearms him and whips him into the corner. That gets totally messed up, as Rivera wanders off then gets a knee up when Orton is going for his own high knee. As if pissed off by that, Bob finishes immediately with the superplex. Words to be had over that one backstage, I imagine. Went less than a minute.

Craftmatic Beds is offering you a new catalogue IN COLOUR! Plus about half a dozen books on avoiding back ache and varicose veins and indigestion and piles.

Garden State Brickface and Stucco – can’t all be glamourous!

S.D. Jones, Rocky Johnson and Tony Atlas vs. Ron Shaw, Tony Colon and John Callahan

Well, two of the faces get on, but only one of them has the tag belts. The tag champs start with Shaw, who himself, like Tito in the first match, isn’t as big as he would be a year or two later. Gene reads fan mail about Bob Backlund working with charitable groups and coaching amateur wrestling while Vince damns him with faint praise. Callahan tags in and immediately gets walked into the face corner, so Atlas walks him back over to Colon so that he can tag in and get some free shots. Johnson has less luck, so brings in Jones. Atlas gets a bell ringer, which is one of those moves I never got. Callahan comes back in and Atlas again walks him back out so Shaw can return. Goes nowhere, so Colon, the only one the faces seem interested in doing stuff with, tags in to be press slammed and S.D. gets the win. Way too long and aimless.

Struggling to lose weight? Turn to the Institute of Hypnotherapy! You’ll never eat a bacon sandwich again, but you will quack like a duck when the phone rings.

Promos, with Gene in the role he was born to fill. Bob Backlund in a jacket way too big is ready for his rematch with Greg Valentine. He claims the fans all still call him champ in a moment of delusion as the sands run down on his run. Sgt. Slaughter aims to settle things with the Iron Sheik as he claims to see and hear the ghosts of wrestlers past in MSG. Captain Lou, still a heel, brings in Greg Valentine in a sweet suit, to offer a rebuttal to Backlund. Greg growls his way through a promo as Gene tries to jam with him.

In the Daily News, former Yankee Graig Nettles promises to spill the tea on his former team.

Ocean Pacific, with a “teenager” who has to be in his thirties.

David Schultz and Paul Orndorff vs. Francisco Vasquez and Johnny Rivera

The heels are accompanied by “manager” Roddy Piper. Rivera gets mauled first, with Dr. D allowing him to tag out, then probably regretting that as Vasquez almost falls over the top rope when he’s whipped into them. Vince tries to cover it by saying Piper probably grabbed his ankle. Schultz has the same attitude as Orton and promptly finishes with his terrible elbowdrop off the second rope. Randy Savage he was not with that one. Vasquez was built like future jobber Mark Thomas, very muscular but as coordinated as a deer on ice with two legs chopped off and the other two tied together.

Piper’s Pit, and a true classic here, as Roddy has been kind enough to give jobber Frank Williams a moment in the spotlight. Williams looks and sounds like Benicio Del Toro with a bad moustache despite his name, actually from Puerto Rico, so Roddy smiles on the inside when he tells him “I’m-a from-a Columbus, Ohio”. Roddy lies through his teeth and says he’s never lost a match there or anywhere, because if he did it would take the shine off him, whereas Williams has never WON a match because he has no guts or ability, “maybe a little cowardism (sic), maybe you should be making pizzas…”, so Frankie grabs the mic and tries to state his case in broken English with Roddy barely understanding what he says until losing his patience and whaling on him in the chair. Williams does this brilliantly comical dazed selling in the chair, never able to get out of it until Roddy tips him up. Hot Rod tries to wrap it up, but Williams can’t get the message, so he beats him up some more and finishes with the “Just when you think you’ve got all the answers, I change the questions!” soundbite. A given classic.

Terry Daniels vs. Johnny Ringo

Daniels is introduced as the first member of Sgt. Slaughter’s Cobra Corps. A legit ex-marine, but dull as ditchwater and tiny. Ringo looks like a fatter Black Bart. The botch parade continues as Ringo halts on the ropes, which I guess must be loose, breaks his momentum, then carries on into a backdrop that Daniels barely gets him over with and almost falls on top of him after. Vince gives up any notion of covering it and calls Ringo sloppy, as Daniels falls down while slamming him. Daniels pins him with a sunset flip off the ropes and then gives a horrified look at Slaughter as he realises he’s just gotten under, not over. Awful.

Craftmatic, as I realise you’d never have this kind of advertising for that age bracket much longer alongside wrestling.

Chains for Macho Man and Ms. Woman, which is one of these adverts where they just hit you with everything to confuse you into spending $200 without having a clue what you’re buying.

Samoan #1 vs. The INCREDIBLE Hulk Hogan

First guy in the show to get music for his entrance, the Hulkster coming out to Eye of the Tiger. Even though they’ve gone with numbers, Vince just ignores that and refers to the Anoa’is as Afa and Sika. And yes, those ropes are loose as fuck, as Hulk shoves off Afa to the ground and entire ring shakes. Pretty much a surprising squash, as Hulk atomic drops Afa, punches Sika and Captain Lou off the apron, then clothesline and legdrops Afa for the victory. Can’t fault the strategy, make them pay more to see more.

Cotler – clothes with imagination and the most cheesecake commercial you could get without it being homoerotic.

Snapper – the bright, red lawnmower.

Promos with Gene for MSG, starting off with Sheiky baby, who you know from the moment he and Fred Blassie walk into shot will be gold with Okerlund. “Sergeant, pay attention very good.” He still claims he was double-crossed by having to defend against Hulk Hogan instead of Bob Backlund in January. Gene asks innocently if Sheik shouts at the waiters in restaurant the way he shouts here: “Don’t vorry about it!”. Blassie: “Bally bally!”

Garden State Brickface & Stucco – why can’t we make your house look like all these shops we’ve renovated?

Tonga Kid vs. Tony Russo

Vince describes Russo, no relation to Vince, as being built like a bowling ball, which is pretty accurate. Sam Fatu is actually still clean shaven here and looks really well, years before packing it on and becoming as big as his twin brother, Rikishi. With the ropes as they are, I’m dreading seeing him go for a splash off the top. He’s actually only eighteen here and obviously been trained since he was a kid given his presence and instincts. He holds Russo with a side headlock until getting a gut shot, but finishes with a small package for the pinfall. His uncles must’ve told him the ring wasn’t for flying this evening.

Next week: B Brian Blair vs. Paul Orndorff, in a battle of best buds from Tampa.

The breakdown: Some truly terrible, almost dangerous action, but made up for by a classic Pit. Will be back to All American next week after this. All Star – definitely. Wrestling – gee!