WCW BattleBowl 1993 (All Dream Matches!)

lol Sid wasn’t in this.

WCW BATTLEBOWL 1993:
(Nov. 20th 1993)
* It’s time for a very special review! This was recommended to me months ago, but with AEW pulling off a BattleBowl tournament of their own, it’s time! So the deal with BattleBowl is all the faces are in their locker room, and all the heels in theirs, and people “randomly” draw them into tag matches- the winners getting into a battle royal at the end of the show. It leads to some of the wildest possible team combination, as you see tag partners randomly paired up, sometimes fighting each other, and sometimes heels & faces on the same team (extra points if they’re actively feuding at the time).

I absolutely love the hell out of this concept- it’s one of my all-time favorites- but unfortunately it’s a very “Because WCW” thing, as the work is often poor, nobody knows how to work matches with each other, and everyone’s working twice so the laziness and half-assery is well in hand. Except some of this stuff is AMAZING for all the hilarious character interplay you’d never otherwise see- stuff like Brian Knobs trying to convince his goody-two-shoes partner to cheat, Jerry Sags begging Sting to help him, and the babyfaces getting aggravated when the HEELS start showing good sportsmanship and appreciation for each other!

I mean, this show has had some snark directed at it, but how the frick can you hate a PPV that gives you a Steven Regal vs. Fred Ottman sequence, Hawk beating up his own partner for being a loser, and wrestling’s greatest joy- a FAT MAN STAND-OFF?

YOUR PARTICIPANTS:
BABYFACES:Sting (the company’s top babyface), Ric Flair (now a face again), Road Warrior Hawk (running without Animal), “The British Bulldog” Davey-Boy Smith (fresh from the WWF dumping him due to steroids and packaged as the #2 babyface and Sting’s good buddy), Ricky Steamboat (newly re-returned to WCW shortly before the end of his career), Johnny B. Badd (a midcarder on the rise), Cactus Jack (now a babyface), Ron Simmons (no longer WCW Champion and just an upper-mid guy with no push), Erik Watts (Bill Watts’s useless son getting an undeserved “rising rookie star” push), The Shockmaster (now repackaged as a jovial construction worker after infamously tripping in his debut), DustinRhodes (a midcarder), Maxx Payne (a big fat guy with an acid rocker brawler gimmick), Charlie Norris (a really tall Native American lower-midcard guy I’ve never seen before), Paul Roma (!!! as a BABYFACE?! oh right, he was a Horseman and they were good guys for a while), 2 Cold Scorpio (a high-flying wonder at this point), MarcusAlexanderBagwell (another rising star), and The Cole Brothers (Keith & Kent… never heard of ’em, but they’re jobbers who lasted a couple years)

HEELS:Big Van Vader (the WCW Champion and top heel), “Ravishing” Rick Rude (an attempt at making a new top heel out of a WWF act), The Nasty Boys (the reigning WCW Tag Team Champions Knobs & Sags), Harlem Heat (Kane & Kole- the mid-level heel tag team still with their old names), “Stunning” Steve Austin (upper-midcard heel), Lord Steven Regal (an English snob midcarder), Paul Orndorff (a midcard heel at this point), Bobby Eaton (workhorse tag guy), The Equalizer (Dave Sullivan, just sorta farting around, I guess?), Shanghai Pierce & Tex Slazenger (the future Godwinns, as low-tier heels), Rip Rogers (a “sissy heel” gimmick on the undercard), and The Colossal Kongs (Awesome & King Kong- a pair of obese heels on the bottom end of the roster)

Mean Gene Okerlund is doing the drawing with Fifi the Maid, and of course Gene is in full lech mode all night. At multiple points whispering sweet nothings to her, touching her, and at one point brandishing handcuffs. Man, this guy without a filter…

alas, I’m watching on YouTube, so I have a German dub of it, meaning I miss Jesse Ventura ripping on these guys.

BIG VAN VADER & CACTUS JACK (w/ Harley Race) vs. KANE & CHARLIE NORRIS:
* Of course Vader & Cactus, who are feuding, are immediately paired up as partners. And an enraged Vader shoves Rip Rogers in the locker room over this! Then charges to the ring and simply starts fighting with Cactus right then & there! Kane (Stevie Ray) comes in to join the beatdown, but when Norris gets involved Vader chucks him off the ramp. Kane/Norris is obviously a low-tier team to give the feuding opponents an easier win.

Funny bit as Cactus dumps Kane and Vader hits the floor to add bear-paw punches, but Cactus rakes his own partner’s eyes. Vader beats the hell out of the big Native American and hits the Vader Bomb. He holds Norris on the floor for a Cactus cannonball, then Norris weirdly just stops running after an Irish whip (… you can DO that?) and eats a Vader Attack. Norris seems to sandbag Cactus on a backdrop suplex- Kane beats Jack’s ass, but Vader gets angry and comes in for a big brawl, and Norris hits overhand… swats (?) on Cactus. Vader hilariously clobbers him out of a resthold and Jack gets the DDT on Kane. Dual tags see Norris get a flying overhand swat in on Vader and swat & chop away, but eats another Vader Attack and a running splash, and finishes with a horrible Powerbomb, actually dropping his opponent (Norris, at 6’5″ or so, had his long legs cause too much gravity and Vader fell on his ass- I blame Norris for overshooting himself because he’s sucked all match). This still gets the three at (7:34) while Cactus & Kane brawl.

This was a weird mishmash of stuff, as it was semi-short but mostly dominated by Vader/Cactus- Vader gave almost nothing to his opponents and Norris was mainly used as a tackling dummy- a low-end guy who could eat a loss. Not a lot of flow, but that’s to be expected with two heel/face teams. The best bit of the whole thing was the partners brawling to start.

Rating: *3/4 (fine basic match, borderline a squash with Vader eating Charlie’s offense and crushing him)

It was cool for smarks to diss on these guys, but fuck it- I love Knobs & Sags. The Rocksteady & Bebop of wrestling.

JOHNNY B. BADD & BRIAN KNOBS (w/ Missy Hyatt) vs. PAUL ROMA & ERIK WATTS:
* OMG this is EXACTLY why I love this show’s concept- two dweebs up against the rising midcarder and one of the heel slob tag champions. Roma & Watts seem like an ideal “geek squad” but I have no idea where Watts was on the pecking order in 1993 (as they’re already in the ring when we head ringside, there’s my answer). Badd’s glittery trunks and confetti cannon are something else- surely no reviewer will start a gag about these that looks horrifying 30 years later! Him and KNOBS of all people being on a team is just amazing.

Badd & Roma show off the workrate with reversals and quickness while Knobs hilariously tries to give Badd advice from the apron. Roma takes a ton of armdrags as both guys do blind leapfrogs, but Knobs puts a stop to THAT with his ugly, sloppy offense. “That’s how ya do it!” he shouts, but eats a sunset flip (sorta) and dropkick- Roma shouts the same thing back as he tags, and Watts HITS A DROPKICK (chest high! I swear!) and celebrates like he won the Super Bowl, then he & Badd do a pin-reversal sequence and Badd gets his arm worked. It’s great watching the style shift whenever Knobs gets tagged- Badd is offended by his brutality on the Watts kid and even gives him time to recover from an eyerake.

Roma hits a powerslam on Badd but Missy takes the ref and Knobs elbows him, then trips Roma and Badd is offended by THAT. haha, this is great. Knobs just keeps cheating and Badd won’t take advantage because of virtue. Hyatt is enraged when Badd refuses to nail Roma after he’s dumped, and hahahahahaha- Knobs hits an abdominal stretch and slllloowwwwwwllllyyyy holds his hand back so Badd can assist him on it and is like “WTF?” when he refuses. He takes forever setting up a 2nd-rope splash (“It’s over!”) and of course lands on a boot. Watts in with a lot of running stuff he can actually hit correctly, to no reaction at all. But then he hits a crossbody and Knobs rolls through, grabbing the tights for the pin (12:56). Foiled by the technical expertise of Brian Knobs. Badd is of course tremendously disappointed with this win, arguing with his own team.

This was terrific despite the weird match-ups- Badd did good in a lot of reversal sequences (Roma’s good to go, but you gotta be careful with Watts), and then he keeps getting outraged as Knobs repeatedly cheats to help him out. The stunned annoyance is great, as is Knobs egging his partner on to cheat or take advantage. Watts was kept to a minimum, but could at least do the reversals, and his last-minute running stuff looked okay (though his body language is still very awkward in the ring).

Rating: **1/2 (SHUT UP THIS IS AMAZING. This is everything that’s great about wrestling- Knobs being this stupid cheating asshole and Badd being super-offended by it and refusing to be dishonorable)

WCW gets some sass, but it’s hard to hate a company that puts Fred Ottman in the ring with William Regal.

THE SHOCKMASTER & “MISTER #1DERFUL” PAUL ORNDORFF vs. RICKY “THE DRAGON” STEAMBOAT & LORD STEVEN REGAL (w/ Jeeves):
* oh my god how can you hate shows like this? This is a “when you hit random on Fire Pro” match if there ever was one. Imagine Steamboat & Regal’s elite technical stuff against Fred Ottman.

Orndorff is aghast at a “Paula” chant, and Steamboat skins the cat back in and keeps reversing on him. And now we get OTTMAN/REGAL. Amazing. Regal doesn’t even have to pretend to be shorter- Shockmaster effortlessly reverses his technical stuff through power- he just picks Regal up and plops him on the top rope and pats his head. Regal is INCENSED by this with the facial reactions only he can make, and fails other technical stuff (just unable to deal with Ottman’s scientific skills!) and resorts to European uppercuts which Shocky no-sells, and he easily catches a flying Regal and slams him.

Ottman tags out, and even HE starts a “Paula!” chant while the two grumps shake hands (which offends Steamboat, like “if that was ME, you’d have hit me instead!”)- Regal cranks on a headlock and they do some good reversals and then do another FRIENDLY HEEL HANDSHAKE just to piss off the fans, even throwing in a “mutual nod of respect”. I love Steamboat & Shockmaster getting pissed off at this, like “are you kidding me?”. The heels trade full nelsons and then Regal trips Paul out of one and cartwheels away from a counter- over to Ricky, who gets dropped on the top rope and has his throat worked. Shockmaster misses an elbow but Regal won’t accept the tag- Shockmaster MAKES him do it and beats on Regal, but misses a charge and slams into the corner, and Regal gets two- Paul accidentally elbows his own partner attempting to break. But while the ref is dealing with that, Regal goes for his butler’s umbrella- only for Ricky to steal it from him and accidentally nail him in the process! Shockmaster doesn’t see that and hits the Running Splash for the win at (12:26)! Oh Ricky, you dork.

Another fun one, mostly played around the heels being annoyingly cheery with each other, thus egging on the faces AND the fans. Shockmaster wasn’t given a chance to mess anything up, but he also didn’t SELL much of anything, largely embarrassing Regal and tossing him around. The other three were good for the classic “reversal sequences”, thankfully making them mostly different from the ones in the last match.

Rating: **1/2 (another fun one- great character work)

“THE NATURAL” DUSTIN RHODES & KING KONG vs. THE EQUALIZER & AWESOME KONG:
* Nothing says “Battle Bowl” like tag team partners pitted against each other! Smell the workrate as we might get a FAT MAN STAND-OFF between Awesome and King Kong! Thankfully Awesome is hairy, while King is very much paler and is a different kind of fat, so I can tell them apart. Rhodes is in red trunks & Equalizer’s in black.

Dustin/Equalizer starts us off, as I note how dumpy and awkward Equalizer is. Dustin uses speed and schoolboys Awesome Kong for two, but takes an eyerake and escapes an elbow to tag out, and the Kongs are set to… aw, after a short bit of standing there in confusion, King tags back out and Dustin gets dragged in for a beating. He comes back with stomp-punches until Awesome clubs him and tags Equalizer. Dustin quickly controls with generic stuff and tags King Kong, who clotheslines and clubs Equalizer, but falls to another clothesline- man, what kind of a Big Fat Heel falls to ONE clothesline? At least do the wibble-wobble sell! They do some lame brawling and then Dustin easily handles Awesome with a Dusty-esque elbow for two. Equalizer breaks up a sunset flip and everyone hits the ring- he brawls with King in the corner, but Awesome turns around and sees his real tag partner getting beat and they SANDWICH Sullivan, but Dustin catches Awesome selling the impact and bulldogs him for three (5:55).

A pretty weak one- 1993 Dustin was one of the most bland workers ever, being a tall lanky version of his father but with the “Communal NWA Style”, and the Kongs were very bad brawlers- too fat to do stuff with but not big enough to be true monsters. Equalizer was clunky, too. Worst of all, I was denied a FAT MAN STAND-OFF.

Rating: * (the worst match of the night so far, but at least we had the Kongs team up sorta by accident)

Keith Cole’s magnificent hair.

STING & JERRY SAGS (w/ Missy Hyatt) vs. RON SIMMONS & KEITH COLE:
* Cole’s bright orange and Ron’s bright green tights are the most “1993” combination of garish gear possible. Both big stars could have an “out” for losing with their weaker partners, but I’m thinking Keith Cole is eating this one. Keith is taller than Ron, with Ivan Drago’s exact haircut but with a MONSTROUS rat tail mullet.

Keith tags out to Ron immediately for some reason- Sags fights dirty, but Ron comes back and now Keith tries, doing a one-minute armbar of all things. Get used to that. Sags fights dirty and takes over as they’re obviously killing time. Finally we get Sting vs. Ron! They do some babyface Internationals, Ron getting shoulderblocks, then Sting (plus the ugliest takedown ever as Ron doesn’t seem to know it’s gonna be a rollup), and it’s over to Keith- funny bit as he & Sting rub each other’s hair, realizing that they have the same shape and color to the top parts of their heads. They do some brief sequences before Sags comes in and bounces around like a boob before scrapping again.

Sting & Ron go again, Sting knocking Ron down twice with moves before Ron gets ornery and slugs him off a break! He’s working heel! Choking on the ropes and a powerslam hits, but he tags Keith for more of that damn “under the armpit” hold- the universal sign of laziness. HE JUST KEEPS GOING BACK TO IT. They trade off on Sting a bit before he makes a comeback (humorously having to swap corners because he needs to set up the finish) Stinger Splash sets up… Sags tagging himself in so he can win with his amazing sloppy-ass flying elbow at (13:14). Ron teases getting into the ring but just stands there looking disgusted. After the match, Sting checks on the rookie, but a furious Ron just splatters Keith with a Spinebuster, apparently going heel on THIS dink.

Not a great match- Sting/Ron seems like it should have potential, but we only got small teases and some clumsy stuff- KEITH COLE ends up spending the majority of the time in the ring, and everyone was in “kill time” mode for a match that was over ten minutes long and ridiculously padded with lazy armbars and Sags taunting.

Rating: * (not a great match at all- too much stalling for time)

RIC FLAIR & “STUNNING” STEVE AUSTIN (w/ Col. Rob Parker) vs. MAXX PAYNE & 2 COLD SCORPIO:
* lol, two of the biggest stars of all time vs. two of the big “coulda-been” stories of the early ’90s. This show rules. Payne & Scorpio are clearly being set up as a semi-easy, safe win. But Flair is a babyface and Austin a heel. Payne still looks like if a fat AJ Styles joined Alice in Chains.

Austin gets the worse of a Payne sequence, but Flair struts instead of tagging in. Scorpio embarrasses Austin with his acrobatics, but Flair doesn’t do much better with a “Flair Sequence” seeing him get countered. Maxx has a go, Flair-Tossing him but missing an elbow- Austin is backdropped and bails, but they FINALLY get some offense going when Austin holds Scorpio for Ric. But 2 Cold soon hits a Stinger splash & standing moonsault for two- Ric scores a chop, but Scorpio rolls up Austin and thrust kicks him, but climbs too soon and gets superplexed for two. Austin with a backbreaker and choking with perfect movements, and Flair with a knee & backdrop suplex continues the work.

Austin mimics Flair’s knee and points at him during the pin, but Scorpio kicks out- Flair then knocks Austin’s hand off the ropes during abdominal stretch. THE DIRTIEST PLAYER IN THE GAME REFUSES TO CHEAT. Flair scores a suplex and sets up Austin’s flying kneedrop for two- Maxx saves. Scorpio fights out of a chinlock and smashes Austin up with a roundhouse kick for a double-down. Payne FINALLY gets the tag after 10 minutes on the apron, no-selling shots and firing back, but he knees the corner and Flair immediately hits the Figure-Four Leglock while Austin pulls Scorpio off the apron and that’s it at (14:31)! Lol, what does that say about Maxx? Sits on the apron all match and the second he hits the ring he gets beat?

Man, Ric and Steve SHOWED ASS in this match. Just flipping and flying around for the two lower-tier rookies who had something to prove, and it worked. This was especially a showcase for Scorpio, as the guys took turns making it look like he was way to much for them, hitting innovative reversals and doing high-flying they couldn’t deal with. Scorpio’s stuff was incredibly futuristic but by today’s standards isn’t that amazing and he was a bit slow and clumsy with a lot of it here. Good enough stuff, though, albeit the ending makes Payne look ridiculously weak.

Rating: **1/4 (a fairly slow match, but with smart psychology and Scorpio being put over a ton before Flair/Austin pulled out a win)

What does it say about 1996-era WWF that they quite specifically hired Dennis Knight for the sole purpose of reuniting this team?

“RAVISHING” RICK RUDE & SHANGHAI PIERCE vs. MARCUS ALEXANDER BAGWELL & TEX SLAZENGER:
* Rick Rude as a top heel with a World Title and the masked future Henry Godwinn while Buff Bagwell teams with Phineas- amazing. This is partner vs. partner again, with the heel team being in generic black singlets. Rude’s got an “I Beat ‘Em” airbrushed set of tights with the faces of his vanquished foes and a title belt drawn on the front.

The body guys start us off, Rick being arrogant and shoving Bagwell around. The kid fights back and we’re robbed of a PIG/HOG showdown when they refuse to fight as the Kongs did before. Rude gets beat up, Pierce slugs Bagwell, but Bagwell hits rookie-fu on him. Rude tortures Bagwell while taunting him (his merciless WCW self was quite vicious), but Bagwell works holds on Pierce. Rude cheats to put the heat back on him, hitting a front suplex and gutbuster to work the gut. Shanghai with a 2nd-rope knee to it for two and Rick works a bearhug, and the ref doesn’t see Tex get the tag. Shanghai with a LONG-ASS chinlock, then catches Bagwell with a big boot and a DOCTORBOMB (!!)… and Tex boots Shanghai to break it up! Shanghai is furious, and the “hot tag” to Tex sees them argue with each other… and start a slugfest! They scrap like… well, wild pigs, throwing shots everywhere, but Rude cleverly gets a blind tag and sneaks in, catching Tex in mid-sunset flip with the Rude Awakening (cranking neckbreaker) for the pin at (14:50). Ooh, smart move.

Okay, this was another “pad the HELL out of it” match, though Rude’s precision offense was very nice to see. Bagwell just didn’t have much babyface charisma at this point, though, and his strategy blew- he’d hit comeback and then just kinda stand there or go to the ropes, never trying for tags. As a result, he ate something like 90% of the ringtime, Tex not being trusted to do anything but about a minute’s worth of stuff. Marcus just didn’t have a lot of natural star power in him yet, leaving the LONG heat segment fairly boring except for a couple of sweet moves.

Rating: *3/4 (some of it was pretty good, but it was way too long)

I have zero familiarity with Rip Rogers, but he’s doing a bit of a “fancy man” thing in WCW, but is a Joke Wrestler akin to early Disco Inferno.

ROAD WARRIOR HAWK & RIP ROGERS vs. “THE BRITISH BULLDOG” DAVEY-BOY SMITH & KOLE:
* Oh man- Hawk gets to team with RIP ROGERS. Hawk appears grumpy already, but when Rip comes in all excited like “I’M YOUR PARTNER!”, Hawk just TKOs him with a punch! Both Davey-Boy & Kole (Booker T) add their own shots as they walk by, haha. Bulldog’s in some neat red/blue tights here that I haven’t seen before.

Hawk & Davey do a friendly test of strength, but Kole insists on a tag and we get a shot of Rip STILL selling on the ramp, repeatedly teasing sitting up before collapsing again. Kole slugs away and Hawk actually sells for him, but soon fights up and beats his ass down, only for Kole to Spinaroonie up and clothesline him. Okay that’s a MASSIVE babyface spot that is totally misused on him as a heel, lol. Kole continues, but stops to punch poor Rip in the head, allowing Hawk a mini-comeback before he slugs away again. Kole is just beating the hell out of him, hitting a flying shot, choking, etc., and Rip flat-backs in a vicious-looking bump from another beating. For a guy famous for no-selling, Hawk is giving Kole a ton here- he keeps trying to mount comebacks, but he accumulated damage is too much and Kole just goes back on him, and a backbreaker hits only for a Bret Elbow to miss. Hawk clobbers him with a clothesline and his fistdrop, then just grabs a dazed Rip and PRESS-SLAMS him into a confused Kole… AND THE REF FUCKING COUNTS THAT AS A PIN AT (7:55). Rip was standing on the ramp, right next to Davey-Boy! How in the hell was that a legal tag?! Kole declares “Harlem Heat is gonna KILL somebody!”

This match was hilarious- friggin’ Davey-Boy comes in for a test of strength and then tags out, and the entire rest of the match is just Kole/Booker kicking Hawk’s ass and gobbling him up until a “Randy Savage Comeback” in the very end, paying off Rip being a dumbshit who keeps getting slugged down by everybody until making hitting three moves for the pin.

Rating: ** (hilarious given how the tag match is really just a singles match, with Kole laying on a pretty good beatdown until the very end)

BATTLEBOWL:
Battle Royal: Cactus Jack, Big Van Vader, Brian Knobs, Johnny B. Badd, Paul Orndorff, The Shockmaster, “The Natural” Dustin Rhodes, King Kong, Sting, Jerry Sags, Ric Flair, “Stunning” Steve Austin, “Ravishing” Rick Rude, Shanghai Pierce, Road Warrior Hawk & Rip Rogers
* So it’s a sixteen-man Battle Royal for the ring or whatever, with Michael Buffer doing the introductions (man, they had him pre-Hogan?). The ramp doesn’t count for eliminations. This notably has Sting, Flair, Vader & Rude for top star-power, Austin/Cactus/Badd as legit upper-midcard guys, the complete Nasty Boys, and of course King Kong, who will really shift the balance. Rip gets extra points for still selling his head on the way down to the ring.

Okay I love Battle Royals- the more guys in the ring at once the better- so this rules already with everyone fighting. Most guys take to the corners while we get Rip/Badd and Hawk/Vader as opponents. Rip & Badd fold in the mess of bodies and OH MY GOD SHOCKMASTER AND KING KONG ARE HAVING A FAT MAN STAND-OFF!!! I finally get one! Badd chops Rip Rogers out of the ring for the first elimination. Shanghai & Cactus do a bit of brawling back and forth before Pierce does the idiot charge over the ropes. Vader’s mask is already off as Shockmaster is getting triple-teamed in the corner by Knobs, Orndorff & Kong- Orndorff has the brilliant idea of getting UNDER him to push him over the top and that goes about how you’d expect. Cactus puts his claws into Austin (hey I wonder if there’s any money in that rivalry?) and does Mankind-esque psychotic screams. Sadly about five minutes in, everyone loses their cardio and gumption and we’re into the old “Lazy Lean”, especially Ottman & Kong rolling around on the hard cam side, which blocks a ton of the action, lol.

Badd overswings his punch and gets backdropped out by Orndorff and Kong/Ottman have been going at it for seriously eight straight minutes already. Vader climbs to the top for some reason and Cactus tries a superplex of all things, but Vader just awkwardly shoves him off. Orndorff tries his Piledriver on Flair but himself gets backdropped out, while Cactus Jack goes out off-camera from Vader’s clothesline! haha this camera work is garbage. And then the Shockmaster finally… FINALLY… has enough of King Kong and slugs him, sending him stumbling over the top rope in the safest bump his 400-lb. ass can manage (after Kong seemingly wimps out of a clothesline bump and Ottman has to tell him to go out next time). But then while Shockmaster stares at him, he gets jumped from behind and dumped by the Nasty Boys! Vader hits a press slam on Sting OVER THE TOP… to the ramp. Nice job.

The Nasties take on Hawk andeeryone trades off repeatedly as they keep doing this “eliminate a buncha guys, then lie around” things. Flair eats a Vader Attack but comes back with chops, but Sting has to save him. Austin/Dustin have been paired off for like ten minutes but haven’t done much of anything, and now Rude & Vader brawl around and communicate. Sting tries to eliminate both Nasties by himself (uh, good luck) and Vader clobbers him. This all goes on for an ETERNITY, and Dustin blades off of Austin’s post-shot, but then Knobs idiot charges over him! Sags tries to get revenge and Austin dumps them both! And then Rude punches himself over Hawk (they went with THAT? He hadn’t even done anything yet!). Vader & Austin then pounce on Hawk and do that weird elimination where it looks like the lazy pretend one but they actually just get him out. And now we’re down to four! It’s Austin, Vader, Flair & Sting, with faces & heels pairing off.

Vader misses an avalanche, but Flair is dragged out by Harley Race for a brawl while Sting & Austin do a double-down in the ring after a rapid criss-cross. Vader hits a big splash on the ramp to kill Flair, so Sting stops the Scorpion Deathlock on Austin to clothesline him down to the biggest pop of the show thus far. Vader & Sting are half-dead on the ramp while Flair is writhing in agony and completely done- the medics come out for him and things grind to a complete halt. It does look pretty chaotic, and Austin’s sarcastic “Woo!” to Ric on the ground is great. Ric is hoisted onto a stretcher (“Ahhhhh god! You are killin’ me!”). Finally, Vader press-slams Sting into the ring from the ramp, but Austin flies off onto his foot and Sting leaps up to powerslam Vader coming off the top! He wipes out both guys with repeated shots and even dodges Vader a bunch, but Austin reverses a whip and Sting is Vader Attacked.

They beat the dogshit out of him and Vader hits two splashes as Sting’s selling is excellent, but he dodges a third and fires up again! But Austin is too much for him and Vader hits a Vader Bomb but is himself hurt by it. Austin misses a flying knee, but recovers and holds Sting for an avalanche (umm… that’s not smart) and Sting dodges and Austin gets crushed- a great criss-cross sees both guys hit the ramp, but Austin falls off for an elimination. It’s Sting/Vader and they do a big criss-cross sequence, Vader pummeling & splashing Sting but a collision sees Sting headbutt Vader in the dick on the sell. Vader is hefted up onto Sting’s shoulders and placed on the corner so Sting can slowly bring him down, but Vader flops down during a Stinger Splash, so Sting guts himself and flings over the top! Vader wins the Battle Bowl at (25:33).

Man, who booked this match? First off, no battle royal needs to go half a freakin’ hour. You just end up with guys doing the “Lazy Lean” for minutes at a time, and this gets abhorrent as time goes on in the match and guys are still fucking around, kicking dudes who are lying down or just humping in the corners. Especially since they clustered all the eliminations together for some reason- there’s no reason why Vader dumping Cactus had to come seconds before Flair took out Orndorff, for example, when there’s a seven-minute stretch of NOTHING, followed by four rapid eliminations. But then the Final Four was this very hot sequence of great moves… albeit Sting gets like seven different comebacks and repeatedly cut off, and you get weird stuff like “Austin misses a flying move, but recovers instantly to hold Sting only for Sting to dodge again” which gets repetitive. I guess it keeps the match going and might keep fans guessing, but people’s comebacks are always getting knocked off that way. Austin was definitely gunning for a push, though, putting in way more effort than everyone but Sting and just flinging himself all over the place.

Rating: *1/2 (this match somehow made two terrible fat guys brawling seem boring an uninteresting… but the last ten minutes is like a *** or so match all by itself)

So overall, this show is a mixed bag. The weirdo Dream Matches are everything I love about wrestling, but an ENTIRE SHOW of them can just drag on and on, and some of the matches were abysmal. Keith Cole and the Armbar That Doesn’t End on one end and multiple matches dragged over ten minute son the other. Highlights include Knobs desperately trying to get virtuous Badd to cheat and the Sags/Sting team. The last ten minutes of Battle Bowl were kick-ass, but HOLY SHIT the rest of the aimless battle royal…