The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 07.04.02

The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 07.04.02

Yes it’s the most patriotic Smackdown of the year! And of course, the WWE Network is featuring it today so what the hell. Actually I’ve watched the main match on this one more than a few times but I don’t know if I ever really reviewed it as such. I know I skipped this episode when I was originally reviewing these on my own site back in 2002 for whatever reason.

GIANT FIST ERA BABY

Oh sure they have to edit out 92% of the music on the Network but fucking MARILYN MANSON gets to stay intact.

Taped from Boston, MA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Tazz

Lillian Garcia joins us to sing America the Beautiful, but thank god Lance Storm and the Unamericans save us from having to listen to that propaganda and send her packing. Christian points out the hard truth about the crowd’s ignorance of their own history. Thankfully Lance Storm is here to educate us on the history of American aggression and wars. Especially that one they lost that they don’t like to talk about. Test goes for the more direct approach, noting that he hates America and America sucks. Well that’s quite the cheap heat.

Rikishi v. Lance Storm

Rikishi slugs away for AMERICA, and he clotheslines Lance to the floor and then slugs him down on the way back in. Rikishi with the short powerbomb out of the corner as Michael reminds us that Rikishi LOVES TO HAVE FUN, but he misses the butt splash in the corner and Lance dropkicks him for two. Rikishi puts him down with clotheslines and blocks a sunset flip with the power of his ass. But he goes up to finish and Christian takes the ref while Test boots Rikishi down, allowing Storm to get the pin at 2:30. Nothing to this one. *

Last week: Kurt Angle issues an open challenge to anyone in the back and some kid named John Cena uses his Ruthless Aggression to answer. And then we never saw him again.

Meanwhile, Mr. Mahon wants to see Cena in his office. But you can’t! You can’t see him! I thought we were clear on that!

Reverend D-Von & Batista v. Randy Orton & Val Venis

More rookie nobodies getting TV time in this one. Val slugs away on Batista to start, but walks into a clothesline and it’s over to the Reverend. He puts Val down with a back elbow, but Val drops a knee for two. Over to hot young babyface Randy Orton, who is apparently a third generation superstar! I’ll have to file that one away for later. D-Von takes him down with a neckbreaker out of the corner for two. D-Von misses a charge and Orton goes up with a middle rope bulldog and makes the hot tag to Val, who by the way was to be exclusively referred to as “The Big Valbowski” at which point, which I am cheerfully ignoring. Orton with a powerslam for two. That looked weak, hopefully he works on it in the future. Batista comes in with a Regal Roll on Orton, but misses a charge and hits the post. Orton goes up for his flying bodypress, but it’s telegraphed and misses, allowing Batsita to finish him with a spinebuster at 5:00. Hmm, perhaps Orton should work on a finisher that opponents have trouble scouting so that he doesn’t get caught like that again. **

Meanwhile, Vince offers Chris Jericho a match with Edge at Vengeance, and brings in John Cena because he was really impressed with his RUTHLESS AGGRESSION. And Jericho talks shit to Cena about his Boston-themed tights, so Cena hauls off and slaps him. So Jericho wants a match with Cena TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING.

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle reveals that last week, when he almost lost to John Cena, he had the flu, but tonight he’s beating the Undertaker for the Undisputed title. Also he’s an American hero, so what better night for him to win the title?

Meanwhile, Billy & Chuck celebrate July 4 with hot dogs, but Rico is disgusted by their wieners and tomfoolery.

WWF tag team title: Billy & Chuck v. Hulk Hogan & Edge

Ugh, Rob Zombie era Edge. Hulk overpowers Chuck to start, but Chuck slugs away in the corner and slams him, and Hulk pops up from that and drops elbows on him. Over to Billy, and Edge escapes a press slam and hits the Edge-O-Matic for two. He slugs away on Billy in the corner, but Billy catches him with a clothesline and the champs go to work. Chuck with an overhead suplex for two. Billy with a snap suplex for two. Chuck slams Edge and drops an elbow for two while Hogan is on the apron charging all three of his special finishers. The champs take Edge to the floor and Billy bulldogs him into the floor with help from Rico, and back in for two. Billy with a sunset flip for two to cut off the tag, and they cut off the ring again. Chuck with a powerslam, but Edge escapes and bulldogs him and Hogan is up to about 6 specials on the apron. So it’s HOT TAG Hogan and he’s charged up and already Hulked up. He destroys the champs and puts Billy down with the big boot, but Chuck cuts him off with a superkick and Hulk has to Hulk up all over again. He puts them down with a double clothesline and it’s back to Edge, who runs wild again and DDTs Chuck, but now Rico trips him up. So Hulk deals with him, but Billy and Chuck switch behind the ref’s back. Edge spears Billy for two, but Chuck saves. Hulk and Edge hit Billy with the double boot, and then we get double legdrops, and Hulk even lets Edge get the pin and the titles at 10:00. Clearly the best match that Billy and Chuck ever had as a team and one that’s still fun today. ***1/2 This was of course Hulk’s one and only tag team title, and I will die on the hill that he should have stuck with the team for another couple of years because he could have milked this for MONTHS and let Edge do all the work in the ring. There was literally no downside for him. But of course they quickly dropped the titles and Hulk tried to strong-arm Vince into another title run.

Chris Jericho v. John Cena

Cena is decked out in shamrock shake green tonight as a part of his early gimmick of sucking up to local sports teams. Cena slugs away on Jericho, who quickly bails to escape, but Cena chases him back into the ring and catapults him into the corner to set up a spinebuster for two. Jericho bails again, but this time he catches Cena with a clothesline out there and drops him on the announce table. Back in, he puts the boots to Opening Match John and chokes him out on the ropes. Jericho goes up and Cena catches him with a dropkick on the way down while we learn that Cena apparently grew up not far from Boston! I’ll have to file that one away for later in case it comes up again. Cena makes a comeback with a bulldog for two, but Jericho rolls him into the Walls of Jericho, and Cena cradles him for two. Jericho beats on him with chops, but Cena DDTs him for two. Cena tries a Stinger splash and misses, but Jericho misses the Lionsault and Cena powerbombs him for two. Rollup gets two. Jericho gets the drop sleeper, however, and pins him with his feet on the ropes at 5:10. This was a SPRINT and it doesn’t seem like you can blow this Cena kid up at all. Everyone talks about the tag title match on this show but this was a hidden gem. ***1/4.

Meanwhile, some masked guy is on the way.

Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels and the nWo announce that HHH will be joining them soon. Don’t we all remember the era of Shawn Michaels and Kevin Nash as the nWo? Before Shawn even came back? Talk about a fever dream.

Meanwhile, Torrie Wilson defeats Stacy Keibler and a bunch of other Divas to win the Golden Thong award. Yup.

Meanwhile, Jamie Noble and Nidia celebrate their cruiserweight title win with a new trailer, inherited from Jamie’s late aunt Edna. It’s even got RUNNING WATER! Still takes a few minutes to get hot, though. I mean they’re not millionaires. And they go off to test out the full-sized bed and probably vote for Trump.

Bra and Panties match: Stacy Keibler v. Torrie Wilson

They fight to the floor immediately and Stacy puts the boots to Torrie back in the ring. They do goofy reversals for no reason and Torrie catapults Stacy into the corner and pulls off the shirt. Stacy with a jawbreaker, but Torrie drops her on the top rope and pulls off her shorts to win at 2:44. And then Torrie strips as well, which probably should have resulted in a no-contest if law and order is still a thing. WHICH IT CLEARLY IS NOT.

Meanwhile, Undertaker defends the title against Jeff Hardy in a ladder match on RAW. Still overrated. Change my mind.

Meanwhile, Undertaker is a bit preoccupied with the return of the Rock next week, but he’ll still deal with Kurt Angle.

WWE Undisputed World title: The Undertaker v. Kurt Angle

Winner of this gets the Rock at Vengeance. Weird moment for me as Cole wonders if Kurt Angle can win the Undisputed title for the first time in his career and I’m about to snap on him but then I remember that he didn’t win it until the END of 2002. Although as usual it’s their weird phrasing because he had already been WWF champion multiple times by now but hadn’t yet won the “Undisputed” title so whatevs. As we know, the title was not going to be Undisputed for much longer anyway. Taker quickly overpowers Angle and chases him out of the ring, but Angle goes to the leg and then takes him down with armdrags, so Taker boots him out to the floor. So Angle comes flying in with a spear, but Taker rolls through it and clotheslines him for two. Taker with Snake Eyes and the big boot for two. Angle with a back suplex for two to come back and he puts the boots to Taker in the corner, apparently also a purveyor of RUTHLESS AGGRESSION. But Taker slugs back and puts him down with a shoulderblock and a DDT for two. Angle escapes the tombstone by doing a badass reversal into the anklelock and he hangs on tenaciously, but Taker flips him off into the corner. Angle Slam gets two. Angle goes back to the anklelock after pulling down the straps, but Taker powers out of it again and chokeslams him to buy some time. That gets two. Taker with the Last Ride, but Angle hooks him in a triangle choke in the air, and Taker slams him to counter. But Angle hangs on and pins Angle at 10:15, at the same time that he was tapping out. That was a hell of a finish, although it was kind of stolen from a UFC fight at the time. So we don’t actually have a winner and various referees argue about who actually won the match, until the ref finally just declares it a draw to set up the three-way title match at Vengeance. This was a hell of a deal and it was actually the match that turned the corner on Undertaker for me in 2002, as he started getting into mixing MMA into his matches and his various injuries seemed to heal up enough for him to have a pretty great run on top for the next few years. ***1/2

So yeah, this was a TREMENDOUS episode to kick off the Ruthless Aggression era, and now I kind of want to keep going because we get the rise of the youngsters and into the Smackdown Six era and all kinds of cool stuff. So we’ll see how I feel next week and maybe 2002 Smackdown will stay in the review rotation.