The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 07.05.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 07.05.23

Oh man, Threads is here and I can finally free myself from the hellhole of Twitter. Follow me at blogofdoom over there. Elon Musk threw out the challenge like Honky Tonk Man and Mark Zuckerberg just squashed him like Ultimate Warrior.

Live from Edmonton, AB. No I’m not there tonight, it’s a six hour drive from Saskatoon and I’m happy going to Dynamite next week.

Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony Schiavone & Taz

Blind Eliminator tournament: Keith Lee & Swerve Strickland v. Darby Allin & Orange Cassidy

Darby Allin gives Keith some tough love in the pre-match promo and tells him to do something already. Keith tosses Darby across the ring, so Orange comes in and beats the living hell out of Keith, but that backfires on him when Keith somehow hits him even harder, if that’s possible. Orange and Darby double-team him and it’s over to Swerve, who comes in with the middle rope elbow on Darby to take over. He runs Darby into the corner and he bumps to the floor as we take a break. Back with Keith and Swerve doing a Tower of Doom powerbomb on Darby in an awesome spot, and then we get a Bearcat Bearhug on Orange while Swerve and Nana try to murder Darby with the steps outside. So then Orange jumps on Keith with a sleeper on the floor, but Lee walks up the stairs, with Darby underneath them, and Orange on his back. OUCH. Back in the ring, Orange tries a stunner on Lee, but he just blocks it with sheer bulk, so Orange keeps hanging off him like a monkey until Darby is able to help with a Code Red for two. And then Swerve accidentally 450s his own partner, but he’s not terribly upset about that. So Swerve does his own comeback on the babyfaces but hits Keith with a spinkick and this is gonna go really badly for him pretty soon I bet. And Orange gets rid of Keith with the punch, and Darby pins Swerve with the Last Supper at 11:21. A very fun wacky partners tag match with the babyface underdogs fighting a literal giant to boot. ***1/4. And then some ginger neckbeard in the front row actually gets Darby to sign an action figure on live TV. Dude you suck.

Meanwhile, Darby Allin relates the story of training Nick Wayne, who is just turning 18. I’ve heard Marty Scurrl is also involved in training people before they turn 18.

Meanwhile, Jack Perry shows up and he’s going to demand an FTW title match, but Hook attacks him and he flees in terror again.

Meanwhile, Adam Cole & MJF work out together and bond over their shared hatred of Tony Schiavone. Apparently Adam is much stronger than he appears.

The Blade & The Bollywood Boyz v. The Acclaimed & Daddy Ass

Billy works a headlock on the Blade to start, but he teases showing ass and gets rolled up for one. Max comes in and runs wild with full bodyslams, which sets up Scissor Me Timbers to clear the ring for a scissor party. And we take a break. Shouldn’t Blade be an ally of the scissoring crew? Just saying. Back with Bowens running wild on the comeback, and Billy hits the One and Only before Max drops the mic to finish at 6:47. Just an extended squash but man are the Acclaimed over in Edmonton. *1/2. Afterwards, Harley Cameron pops up on the KhanTron, still barking up the wrong tree with Anthony Bowens, and she promises that next week she’ll show her musical skills for us. Oh great I get to see THAT.

Meanwhile, Eddie Kingston wins the NJPW Strong Openweight title from Kenta and he’s pretty happy about it.

Meanwhile, Jon Moxley wants to know why Eddie is so angry all the time? Y U Mad Bro?

Meanwhile, Matt Hardy draws Jeff Jarrett for the tag tournament and he’s upset about it for whatever reason. Why would you not want Jeff Jarrett as your partner?! He’s the only man who can save Rampage’s ratings single-handedly!

Chris Jericho joins us, and his life hasn’t been going so great lately and maybe it’s time to make some changes. So he names off some absolutely real towns in Alberta that sound like funny punchlines, and now he’s reinvigorated and ready to be his best self. But then noted piece of shit Don Callis interrupts and the Edmonton crowd is VERY VERY rude to him and won’t let him talk. But he powers through it and offers Jericho a spot in Blood & Guts. So Chris thinks it over and offers a solid…maybe.

Meanwhile, we’re getting Samoa Joe v. CM Punk…in REGINA. Still dealing with that one.

Meanwhile, Roddy Strong is still recovering from his beating at the hands of Joe, but he’s more worried about Adam Cole and MJF leaving him behind.

Blind eliminator tournament: MJF & Adam Cole v. The Butcher & Daddy Magic

MJF as the replacement Roderick is just delightful. The heels attack as we learn that Friday is RAMPAGE 100, which is how many people are still watching the show. MJF quickly dispatches Menard and puts him in an abdominal stretch, demanding that Adam give into his dark impulses and help him from the apron. No, Adam Cole! That’s breaking the rules! Without rules we have anarchy and then you get some weird billionaire buying Twitter! The Magic Butchers double-team MJF in the corner as we take a break. We return with more abdominal stretch shenanigans, on the other side this time, with poor MJF just getting his abs stretched like crazy while he screams for help from Adam Cole. But then he fights out and tries for the tag, but they cut him off and people are honest to god invested in MJF making the hot tag to Adam Cole. So Cole comes in and runs wild, and MJF wants the hot hand again and he’s even got his palm facing upwards like they said in a WhatCulture video that one time so you know it’s a real hot tag attempt, but Cole ignores him like kind of a jerk and finishes Daddy Magic with the Boom at 9:00. Just a goofy tag match with a super hot crowd that made it way overachieve as a result. Afterwards, MJF thinks they should have done the double clothesline, but he still wants another “bro session” to work out this weekend. And then one more surprise: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM COLE! So Max has a whole birthday cake gimmick for him, but Adam makes a wish and then shoves his face in it. And he actually offers sincere thanks for the party, as these two crazy kids might learn the power of friendship after all. I mean, you know that one of them is eventually going to break and drop the façade, but the fun is that there’s so many ways they can go with it before the inevitable implosion.

Owen Hart tournament quarter-final: Dr. Britt Baker DMD v. Rudy Soho

Britt takes her down with an armbar to start and Ruby bails to the floor to confer with the Outcasts. Back in, Britt works the arm with a hammerlock and they have an awkward botched takedown that leads to a fight on the floor that goes badly for Britt as we take a break. Back with Britt making a comeback and hitting the neckbreaker for two. Britt with the Lockjaw, but the Outcasts take the ref and Ruby hits the No Future for two. Ruby goes for her own Lockjaw and Britt makes the ropes and rolls her into the Lockjaw again, but the Outcasts interfere again and Britt has to go deal with them. Back in the ring, Britt tries an electric chair, but Ruby reverses to a cradle and grabs Toni’s hands for the pin at 7:18 to advance. Didn’t feel like there was much to this one. **

Kenny Omega v. Wheeler Yuta

Kenny is FIRED UP in Edmonton and he beats on Yuta in the corner and hits a backbreaker for two, although I’m saddened that we don’t get commentary from Bryan Danielson tonight. Kenny with You Can’t Escape, but he messes up his own taped neck trying it, and Yuta is able to come back with a dropkick into the corner and missile dropkick to follow. He dumps Kenny and follows with a tope suicida before smashing Kenny into the railings multiple times. Wheeler with a neckbreaker on the floor to add punishment, and he snaps the neck on the top rope to keep Kenny on the apron as we take a break. Back with Kenny making a comeback with the Polish Hammer for two and they head to the top, where Kenny brings him down with a superplex for two. They slug it out and Yuta gets a german suplex for two and a rollup for two. Kenny rolls out into a V-Trigger and tries for the One Winged Angel, but Yuta flips out and into the Seatbelt for two. Makes sense, Alberta hates seat belts. Kenny with another knee strike for two, but noted piece of shit Don Callis comes out to provide distraction and Takeshita hits the ring for a Blue Thunder Bomb on Kenny that gives Yuta two. So Wheeler goes up to finish, but Kenny nails him and brings him down with the One Winged Angel for the pin at 15:38. This was one of the most insanely jacked crowds for a Dynamite main event, maybe ever. ***1/2. And of course we finish with a BCC v. Elite brawl to continue the build for Blood & Guts in Boston.

Man, a molten hot crowd took what could have been a nothing show of dumb tournament matches and backstage interviews and turned into a complete banger of a show, one of the best they’re done all year. Also I like that they’re starting to differentiate with the goofy tomfoolery on Dynamite and the serious wrestling on Collision, which will hopefully give both shows an identity.

Next week: Nice bum, where ya from? Saskatoon, Sask, why ya ask? GET YOUR AEW BUNNY HUGS NOW!