The SmarK Rant for AWF Warriors of Wrestling – Episode 8

The SmarK Rant for AWF Warriors of Wrestling – Episode 8

I had decided to stop for a while because people were complaining that it wasn’t bad enough to justify continuing, but then I had other people emailing me and commenting on the blog that they missed the rants and wanted them back! For the record, it’s an enjoyably easy show to watch and recap, so I’m happy to continue on.

And can you think of any better show to review on July 4 than AMERICAN Wrestling Federation, with top star Sgt. Slaughter? I THINK NOT.

Taped from Chicago, IL

Your hosts are Terry Taylor & Mick Karch

Tonight: The semi-finals of the AWF World title tournament! Plus some other crap.

AWF World title semi-finals: Tito Santana v. Luscious Tommy Rich

Terry Taylor immediately gets a whopper even before the ring introductions are finished, calling Tito “probably the greatest Mexican athlete in history”. YEAH OKAY THEN. This is scheduled for six epic rounds of wrestling, although Tito still didn’t bother to get matching kneepads for this important match. Terry notes that Tito has had “every major singles title in our great sport”, except of course for the World title, US title, TV title, Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title…you know, almost all of them. Meanwhile Ric the Rooster joins us on commentary and it’s not a very impressive impression of the Dirtiest Rooster in the Game. So just to clarify, I’ve got a lot of time to relate all this nonsense because they don’t even touch until 2:30 into the match and then Rich runs away and claims a hairpull after the first lockup and burns another minute of airtime. And they continue stalling all the way until the end of the first round, at which point Tommy hits him with a cheapshot for the first real contact of the match.

Round 2 and Ric continues doing his Xerox of a Xeroxed Flair act and finally Tito DOES SOMETHING and takes him down with an armbar. OK, now we’re getting somewhere. Four star match incoming. Rich bails to the floor to escape, but Tito gets a backdrop for two and goes back to the armbar while Taylor complains about “muscleheads in the gym thinking they can be a wrestler.” Has he seen who this two-bit promotion employs as supposed top stars? Two words: Warlord. Rich gets a cheapshot and beats Tito down, and a neckbreaker gets two. They clothesline each other for a double down as the round come to an end.

Round 3 and Rich attacks Tito from behind and puts him down with an elbow and kneedrop, but Tito is in the ropes. Rich chokes him out as my dreams of a four star match are dying quickly, but we can still hit three stars. FIRST MENTION OF PAUL ALPERSTEIN, TAKE A DRINK! Speaking of which, I was taking some edibles to help with shoulder issues I’ve been having lately because it’s Canada and there’s literally those shops on every corner, and I had my yearly drink on Canada Day after taking them, and let’s just say they didn’t combine in a very good way for me. Thankfully I had already finished MITB and Collision when everything kicked in. Anyway, Tommy Rich is bleeding for some reason and we come to the end of another round and my hopes of three stars end with it.

Round 4, but first we stop for an interview with Chris Adams in case anyone cares what he has to say. Apparently more rounds are better for Adams because that’s how it works and all British wrestlers just do better when you give them more rounds to work with. Second mention of President Paul Alperstein, take a drink. Rich goes to the top and Tito slams him off and gets the sleeper, but Temu Paul Heyman takes the ref and Rich escapes. Rich finds an international object, but Sgt. Slaughter sticks his big fat chin into Rich’s business and steals it, and Tito gets the rollup for the pin to advance to the finals at 16:31.

Meanwhile, Tito Santana chats with Ken Resnick about his triumph via rollup with the help of another guy to beat 60 year old Tommy Rich. He’s the real hero.

Nails v. Jimie V.

Nails whips Jimie from pillar to post and tosses him with a slam before choking him out. Jimie tries a sunset flip and gets choked out and slammed again, and then Nails does more choking in a horrible spot where Jimie tries to do a dropdown and Nails awkwardly takes him down with the choke. And then he finishes with, what else, a choke sleeper at 2:23. The jobber tried really hard to get something out of Nails but Wacholz just had no interest in doing literally ANYTHING here. Third and fourth mentions of Paul Alperstein, take two drinks!

Hercules v. LIGHTNING ROD

That’s too good of a wrestling name to be wasted on this promotion. Actually we’ve been watching the new Chris Hansen predator-catching show on YouTube, and the first episode features a guy dubbed GLORY HOLE JERRY, which I feel like is an even better name. The jokes write themselves with that guy. Anyway Hercules wins with…I wanna say a powerbomb? He’s no Glory Hole Jerry, that’s for sure.

AWF World title semi-finals: Cowboy Bob Orton v. Chris Adams

Sadly, as you know Orton is going after the House of Humperdink back in the 1982 Mid-Atlantic rants at the moment, and here he is just 12 years later teaming up with the guy. Just like they say, you either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain. Or sometimes you live long enough to be forced to resign as a result of a sex payoff scandal and then force your way back into power when the company is sold, but obviously that’s less common. Adams takes Orton down with a CRAVAT and goes to a sleeper, but Orton escapes with an enzuigiri and drops an elbow to take over. Adams takes him down with a chinlock to slow down this action again because he’s British and this somehow ties into him being good at rounds. I’m also amused at Terry Taylor talking simultaneously about how the round system is “new and different” but is also traditional old school wrestling from Britain. So…which is it? Round one comes to an end while we ponder that.

Round 2 and first we hear from Tommy Rich as he swears revenge on Sgt. Slaughter and we get another mention of Paul Alperstein, take a drink. They slug it out in the corner and Orton gets a powerslam for two. The announcers talk about how Orton is a second generation star who has surpassed the legacy of his father. I’ve heard that Bob has a kid who wants to get into wrestling as well. Bob drops Adams on the top rope while the announcers talk about how Chris Adams’s brother Neil was a gold medal judoka in the Olympics, and holy hell, they were actually telling the truth on that one. They’re really bad at this. You’re supposed to make up some bullshit claim and then lie about it incessantly. This brings us to the end of the round as Adams gets a small package for two.

Round 3 and Orton tosses Adams and beats on him on the apron to keep him out, but Chris fights back in with a sunset flip, and Orton sits down on him and holds Hump’s hands for the pin at 11:00 to advance to the finals.

NEXT WEEK: It’s the 12 round finals to crown the first AWF World champion, with a special guest referee! Could it be a special appearance from AWF President Paul Alperstein? I’m gonna be checking Fightful for the scoops all the way until next week when we find out together! I’m betting it’s Alperstein, though. Or maybe Glory Hole Jerry. He gets distracted REALLY easily, though. You turn your back on him and…well, I don’t want to get de-monetized so I’ll leave it at that.

Happy Fourth of July!