The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 06.28.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 06.28.23

Thanks to the 6 people who showed up for my inaugural Twitch stream of AEW Fight Forever tonight! I know that sounds sarcastic but it’s kind of cool that anyone would bother taking time out before Dynamite to watch me play a video game. I played through a quick match with Adam Cole to test out entrances and controls, showed off what little there is for CAW stuff, and then had Orange Cassidy blow up Sting in the Barbed Wire Exploding Ring Death match for an encore. The game is 100% a No Mercy tribute and you can literally pick up the controller and it feels exactly like 2001 again, aside from using the control stick to move instead of the D-Pad. Speaking as someone who can barely do an irish whip in the WWE2K games, the controls are a HUGE relief to me and much more fun. This is exactly what I’m looking for in a wrestling game and what I’ve been asking for since the game was announced: Just give me No Mercy engine with updated graphics and the AEW roster. Done deal.

Live from Hamilton, ON

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Taz & Excalibur

Jon Moxley v. Tomohiro Ishii

We immediately get a battle of chops as they beat each other into burger, and then switch to forearms and pummel each other with those. Moxley wins a biting battle and stomps Ishii down for two before sending him to the floor for a dive as the BCC contemplates a beatdown out there. This brings out Eddie Kingston to back up Ishii, as we take a break. Back with Ishii hitting a superplex for two. So they beat the crap out of each other again with elbows this time, until Moxley puts him down with a spinning elbow (“Idaho Jones over here”) and then follows with the Gotch piledriver for two. Moxley with the elbows, but Ishii flips him off and demands better violence. So Mox chokes him out instead but can’t around Ishii’s thick neck fully, and Ishii escapes with a backdrop driver. They trade lariats and knee strikes for two and a double lariat puts both guys down. They butt heads like deer, but Moxley gets the DDT for two. And he’s bleeding. I’m still looking for the cheat code for Fight Forever that makes Moxley not bleed. Ishii with a giant lariat for two. Moxley catches him with a cutter, but Ishii pops up and hits a lariat for two. Moxley with the Death Rider for two. Claudio constantly eyeballing Kingston like a cat watching a bird in the window is tremendous. Moxley hits Ishii with a curb stomp, follows with another Death Rider, and gets the pin this time at 15:23. Started a bit tentative and then they just kept hitting each other harder and harder and it ended awesome. ****

Meanwhile, MJF and Adam Cole meet up in the parking garage as Max compliments him for being “sick” on PPV day, and MJF just wants to hang out and get to know each other. And they’ve got tag team merch now!

Meanwhile, Renee shifts into concerned wife mode and questions Moxley about what went down in the opener, but Eddie Kingston bursts in and screams at Moxley until Renee tells Eddie to fix it, OR ELSE. I wouldn’t mess with her.

Orange Cassidy, Keith Lee & El Hijo del Vikingo v. Daniel Garcia & 2.0

The backstage saga of Orange finding partners for this match is exactly what you’d expect. Daniel gives us some dancing to start, so Vikingo flies around the ring and takes him down with a headscissors. Parker comes in and shows off his new custom comb, but Orange steals it and comes his own hair with it. That’s actually really unsanitary. I would have dunked that thing in some Barbasol first. Over to Vikingo again and he cleans house and hits Garcia with a shooting star press for two, but Daddy Magic trips him up on the apron and the JAS take over. Parker stomps the arm and gets a snap suplex for two while Taz explains that Garcia is not actually 2.0’s son, he’s more like their “gimmick son”. Huge if true. We take a break and return with Menard powerbombing Vikingo into a double-team elbow from Parker that gets two. But then they make the mistake of annoying Keith Lee, and he bulldozes everyone until Garcia uses the power of dancing to put him down. So Lee mauls him in the corner like some kind of bear, or maybe a cat, and it’s back to Vikingo again. But then Vikingo accidentally dives on Lee, so Keith uses Vikingo as a weapon on the heels. Back in the ring, Orange tries to finish Garcia, but Daniel gets a piledriver for two. Orange reverses to a cradle for two, but Garcia gets the Dragon Tamer and Vikingo saves. Angelo takes the Orange Punch and sells it like death. And then Lee finishes Menard with the Ground Zero slam at 13:22. This was kind of a giant mess, but to be fair the actual storyline of the match was that the babyfaces were teaming up for the first time and didn’t know each other. **

Meanwhile, the Elite issue a Trios open challenge, but the Dark Order barge in and interrupt their shoot and they’re OFFENDED by Hangman Page ghosting them, and they’re here to fight tonight. Well that’s sad.

Meanwhile, Le Sex Gods are ready to go into the primordial ooze of Chris Jericho and bringing the Painmaker.

The Dark Order v. The Elite

Who the fuck brings a “Temple of Doom is the best Indiana Jones movie” sign to a wrestling show? That’s just empirically wrong. That jerk probably likes his hot dogs Chicago style, too. Nick works the arm on Reynolds to start and takes him down with the ropewalk into the corkscrew armdrag as Excalibur claims that all of the people in the match are playable characters in Fight Forever. Which is actually a filthy lie because Evil Uno is notably not in the game. Even though he’s the face of the AEW gaming demographic. Over to Hangman and he gets into a power battle with Silver, which he of course loses. Over to Uno, who gets a cheapshot on Hangman to show he means business here in Canada. But the Bucks do their double-teams on Reynolds, only to get laid out by Uno. The Bucks come back with a superkick while Hangman is conflicted and whiny again and Matt tells him to get his cowboy shit together. We take a break and return with the Elite continuing to have trouble getting it going, as Reynolds escapes a powerbomb from Nick and makes the hot tag to Uno. Piledriver on Nick gets two. So Page tags in and he’s had enough of Uno tonight and slugs away on him. He goes for the fallaway slam, but Silver dropkicks them over and everyone brawls on the floor, taking out the Young Bucks. Dark Order triple-teams Hangman and Silver & Reynolds do their combo for two. Pendulum bomb is broken up by the Bucks and Page hits Silver with a lariat and goes for the buckshot, but he’s all torn again like Natalie Imbruglia and Silver rolls him up for two. Silver with the kicks, but Page hits the Deadeye and the Bucks follow with the BTE Trigger and the buckshot finishes at 13:49 and Hangman is all sad faced about it. Hey, it’s just business, grow a set. A very fun match that almost had the crowd buying into the Dark Jabronis winning. ***1/4 Speaking of which, the BCC hits the ring and murderalizes the Elite, but the Dark Order just kind of shrugs it off and walks away. Hangman is bleeding via screwdriver and begging for help like Ricky Morton appealing to the front row of pre-teens in 1985, but the Dark Order wants none of it and leaves. And then Moxley throws out the challenge for Blood & Guts in Boston on July 19, which is sadly one week after they’re here in Saskatoon for Dynamite. Also the Elite is gonna need a lot of reinforcements in a hurry. Also, I say this with love and empathy for the millennial cowboy, but I cannot possibly give another singular shit about whether or not he’s friends with the goddamn Dark Order by this point. The storyline was wrapped up, I don’t need to ever hear about it ever again, I say good day to you sir.

Meanwhile, MJF greets Adam Cole and his friend “Generic White Guy”, and then Adam goes off in the party van to presumably party. Oddly, this never pays off with anything more.

Jungle Boy joins us and apparently we’ve never going to hear Tarzan Boy again. Also he’s young and “banging the hottest bitch in this entire place”. And everyone turned on him because of an entitled prick who dangles a title in his face. So he’s going to take the title from him and beat the shit out of him. And this brings out Hook, so Jack immediately sprints into the crowd and runs for his life. Really good introductory heel promo from Perry and he got great heat for it. Hopefully he’ll do the rumored change to Hollywood Jack Perry next.

And indeed, Perry runs like a coward and dives into the back of a car to make his escape from Hook, the big-talking heel who immediately backs down when confronted.

Ruby Soho v. Alexia Nicole

Ruby puts the boots to Nicole in the corner and the Outcasts add some shots on the outside, and back in for a pair of backdrop drivers. Ruby finishes with a Lockjaw, complete with glove, at 2:08.

Next week, we are back to Swerve & Keith Lee as a team AGAIN in the blind eliminator deal, before they’ve ever had their first singles match against each other. Still holding out hope we’ll get there someday.

Sting & Darby Allin v. Chris Jericho & Sammy Guevara

Sting and Jericho have a bat duel, but the heels quickly haul the faces to the floor for a brawl and poor Darby goes FLYING into the front row via the railing. We take a break and return with Darby hitting a coffin drop onto the heels outside as the camera tries very hard not to shoot the empty side of the arena. Hey, they ended up with like 5000 people in the building, that’s a win. Sting and Darby set up tables out there and Darby wants to dive off a ladder from inside the ring, but Sting talks him down and then DOES IT HIMSELF. Someone’s gotta have a talk with this man. So Guavara is dead, but Jericho beats on Darby with a ladder in the ring, only for Darby to whip him into it. So Jericho counters the coffin splash with a skateboard to the back and follows with the Judas Effect, but Darby bumps to the floor to avoid getting pinned. Sting returns and Jericho takes him down for the Walls, but Sting quickly makes the corner and retrieves his bat to escape. Sting with the Stinger splash, but another one is countered with a codebreaker for two. Judas Effect is countered to the Scorpion Deathdrop for two. Jericho tries another codebreaker and Sting reverses him into the Scorpion Deathlock, and Jericho taps at 13:24 to end a generally fun show with some generally fun matches. ***

I was kind of expecting a hard reset show after the PPV to set up a bunch of new stuff, but it was just kind of a breezy night off that flew by this week.