The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 06.24.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 06.24.23

Finished up Luigi’s Mansion 3 today and now I need another game to occupy my time. Is there anything notable coming out within the next few days?

Live from BIZARROWORLD, ON

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Nigel McGuinness

And we get COLD OPEN promos from the main event teams to start the show, ala Saturday Night’s Main Event. YES, LOVE IT. That immediately makes the show so much more fun. TK so needs to buy “Obsession” for real.

Tony Schiavone invites Team Darby out to start so they can proceed with announcing their partner, but Chris Jericho and his new life partner Minoru Suzuki come out instead. Jericho doesn’t want to be pandered to, because HE’S FROM WINNIPEG YOU IDIOTS. Also Chris can’t imagine anyone tougher than Suzuki and sexier than himself, so that doesn’t leave many choices for the secret partner. Also Jericho and Suzuki have a secret handshake because they’re such good friends. Jericho accuses Tony of knowing the secret and goes after him, and that’s what finally draws Sting out for the reveal: TETSUYA NAITO. Goddamn this PPV is gonna be insane. I don’t know if they went to a commercial at the end of the segment on TNT but on Fite it was this bizarre awkward silence with everyone standing around in the ring before Jericho and Suzuki left.

Meanwhile, Miro is once again talking to his God and he’s renouncing Him.

Swerve Strickland v. Hiroshi Tanahashi

They fight for the lockup to start and Tanahashi gets a bodypress out of the corner and offers Swerve his air guitar in a show of respect. But Swerve does a lousy job with it and Tanahashi dropkicks his knee and we get a guitar showdown. Swerve gets a cheapshot and chokes him out on the mat. He tosses him out, but Tana skins the cat and takes Swerve to the floor, but Swerve blocks the baseball slide with the ring apron. They fight on the floor and Nana makes a nuisance of himself, allowing Swerve to run Tanahashi into the railing to take over. Back in the ring, that gets two. Swerve goes up and hits him with the middle rope elbow and then throws out the perfectly good air guitar. Oh my god, I never realized how badly we need a Tanahashi v. Jeff Jarrett match before.

Swerve tries a suplex and Tanahashi cradles him for two and takes him down with the dragon screw and sling blade for two. High Fly Flow hits Swerve’s knees, however, and Swerve gets two off that. Swerve goes to the knee to put him down and goes up for the double stomp, which misses, and Tanahashi gets another sling blade. Back to the top, but the knee gives out and Swerve is able to cut him off. So Tanahashi gets the High Fly Flow on the second try, and that gets the pin at 11:00. Tanahashi was looking pretty rough out there but the match was fine. **1/2.

Afterwards, MJF shows up on the screen because he doesn’t want to spend more time in Canada than necessary. And to that end, they’re opening the PPV so he can leave right away.

Andrade El Idolo v. Brody King

Andrade goes for the knee to start and takes him down with a headscissors out of the corner before sending him to the floor. They fight on the apron and Andrade sends him to the floor for a moonsault in a crazy blind shot. Back in the ring, that only gets one. Andrade stays on the knee, but Brody beats him down out of the ring. Brody beats on him around ringside and back in for a chopfest. Brody with a snap suplex and he follows with a senton. But Andrade fights back again with more chops, before walking into a bigger one from Brody. Brody suplexes him on the top rope and beats on him with forearms, but Andrade necks him on the top rope to escape. Brody sends him to the apron again, but Andrade takes out the knee and comes in with a high cross and flying forearm. Double knees in the corner get two.

Andrade goes up and Brody brings him down and runs him into the turnbuckles with a death valley driver. Cannonball follows, but Andrade takes out the knee again and gets the figure-four. Julia steals his mask to break the move, but he hits Brody with a back elbow and does it again, at which point Buddy Matthews runs in for the DQ at 13:00. Not thrilled that they’re already doing DQ finishes 2 episodes in. And the House beats Andrade down and acts all spooky and that’s it. This one never really took off in the same way the Buddy match did last week, unfortunately. **1/2.

Christian Cage, conquering hero of Toronto, and his dinosaur, join us for a victory promo after last week. So he’s gonna drop some truth on us: Toronto is a city of losers with a hockey team that choked. Yeah, you tell ‘em, Christian. He should have mentioned the Blue Jays’ epic choke in the playoffs last year as well, to really rub it in. Anyway, just like the Raptors’ best player had to leave the city, he also had to leave Toronto to become a champion himself. So there’s no more open challenges, you have to EARN the title. Just like Christian did. And it won’t be a vanity title like when someone else who “walked the Rhodes of AEW” held it. Finally a champion we can be proud of!

Meanwhile, Satoshi Kojima’s grandpa is very excited to face CM Punk tomorrow night. Hopefully it’s early in the evening so Kojima can catch the early bird supper.

Owen Hart tournament quarterfinals: Willow Nightingale v. Nyla Rose

We get a HOSS FIGHT to start and Nyla gets a cradle for two, and they fight to the floor and trade chops out there. Back in the ring, Nyla takes over and threatens to claw out Willow’s eyes in the corner, which seems a bit extreme. So I’m making my official prediction for the tournament here: Skye Blue beats Athena in the finals and then they rematch at the ROH PPV at the end of the month where Athena wins in an ROH title match. Nyla chokes her out on the mat for a couple of near falls and goes to an armbar, but she misses a legdrop and Willow makes a comeback. She goes for the doctorbomb but can’t get her up, and Nyla suplexes her for two. Willow goes up and Nyla tries to bring her down with a powerbomb, but Willow escapes that and they awkwardly slug it out. Willow hits her with the Pounce, however, and finishes with the powerbomb at 8:46. Another one that was just OK. **1/2. The Outcasts try for the beatdown afterwards, but Skye Blue makes the save.

Meanwhile, Scorpio Sky is taking control of his career back.

Powerhouse Hobbs v. Jeremy Prophet

Unfortunately Prophet couldn’t predict Hobbs laying him out from behind and beating him down in the corner. He tries a rollup and Hobbs just stands there before murdering him with clotheslines and finishing with the spinebuster at 1:30. Fun squash.

CM Punk, FTR & Ricky Starks v. The Gunns & Bullet Club Gold

Oh man Punk just gets SHIT ON by the Toronto crowd. You love to see it. Here in Canada we DO NOT tolerate people who put pickles on hot dogs. Punk endures the boos and starts out with Juice, working the arm and getting further booed out of the building as a result. Over to Punk’s faithful lapdog Dax, and he takes Juice down with a headlock while the crowd can’t decide what to do with Punk. Austin beats on Dax in the corner, but Dax gets a snap suplex and Cash comes in with a slingshot shoulderblock. Ricky Starks with the ropewalk and he goes after Jay White, but Jay wants Punk. So they trade chops in the corner and White wins the crowd over with that one. Everyone brawls to the floor for a standoff. Back in the ring, Punk puts Colton down with a high kick while Nigel blames Danhausen for turning the crowd on Punk, and Dax puts Colton down with a back elbow, presumably after getting written permission from Punk first. Over to Rock Hard Juice Robinson and he trades chops with Dax, but he goes up and Dax cuts him off and they slug it out up there. Dax brings him down with a superplex and FTR gets a Doomsday Device for two.

The Gunns cut off Cash and Colton gets a corner splash, but Cash rolls him up for two. Cradle gets two. Back to Punk with a Demolition elbow this time, which gets two. I’m very torn here because the heel side has three of the people I hate the most in the promotion, but Punk getting booed out of the building is tremendous. Colton fights back with a lariat on Punk and Austin comes in and puts the boots to him in the corner, drawing a babyface reaction from the crowd. OK, cheering for the Gunns is where I draw the line. Switchblade with the chops in the corner and he goes after Punk’s knee, allowing ROCK Hard Juice Robinson to continue with that. Punk fights back on Austin and the crowd still isn’t buying in. Bullet Club tosses him and puts the beats on him outside, and White suplexes Punk onto the apron, which even in Canada is the HARDEST PART OF THE RING. Back in the ring, the crowd actually chants “LET’S GO SWITCHBLADE”. They deserve the Maple Leafs for that. White works him over in the corner and lays in chops, but Punk rakes the eyes and hits a bodypress to come back. So they slug it out and Punk hits him with a corner clothesline and neckbreaker. But the Gunns cut off the tag and ROCK HARD JUICE ROBINSON tries his own GTS on Punk, but Punk makes the hot tag to Ricky Starks. Tornado DDT on Austin gets two. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA and everyone fights to the floor, but Starks runs wild with powerbombs and gets two on White. White rolls him up for two and tries the Blade Runner, but Starks slams out of it for two.

Dax with the piledriver on Juice, but the Gunns hit him with 310 to Nepotism, and then Cash dumps them and goes nuts with a tope onto the pile. Punk teases a dive, but Jay White brings him down with a uranage and then hits Starks with another uranage for two. Starks reverses the Blade Runner for two and follows with a spear, but ROCK HARD hits the Left Hand of God from the floor and the Blade Runnner finishes at 23:38. The Punk reactions made this a unique experience but the match itself felt unnecessarily long. ***1/4.

Next week: Tournament matches!

A definite step down from the debut episode last week. The atmosphere was fun but the wrestling was lacking this time and it felt a lot more “Rampage-y” than the first one.

Forbidden Door, however…that’s gonna be an all-timer. Holy cow.