The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 06.21.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 06.21.23

Hey, guess who got Covid for the second time? THIS GUY. Thankfully it was much milder this time around and it mostly just made me sleep for a couple of days, but still, I was told this shit was done with. Someone should write a letter to the government about it.

Live from Chicago, IL, home of disgusting hot dogs with pickles on them.

Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony Schiavone & Taz

The Gunns v. The Hardy Boyz

The Gunns’ spinning camera move entrance is somewhat lacking without the 50 Cent song they used last time. Matt hits Austin with a kidney shot in the corner and the Hardyz double-team him with their usual stuff. Jeff with the Whisper in the Wind for two and that didn’t look good. But then Colton gets a cheapshot from the apron and the Gunns take over. Colton with a suplex for two. Over to Austin with a chinlock, but Jeff sends him to the floor to escape and it’s over to Matt. Side Effect on Austin sets up the Twist of Fate, but that gets two as Colton saves. Austin rolls up Matt for two and tries the fameasser, but Matt reverses to another Twist. Colton saves again and hits Matt with the Colt 45, but that gets two as Jeff saves this time. The Gunns double-team him, but he hits them with a double DDT and they do a stupid contrived sell where they’re laying next to each other so Jeff can do his stereo legdrop. Jeff with a Twist of Fate on Colton, but Bullet Club runs in and takes the ref, allowing the Gunns to finish Jeff with 310 to the Midcard at 7:03. Oh this was not good, no it wasn’t. *1/2. When the ASS BOYS are desperately trying to carry you to something not completely embarrassing, it’s time to get off TV. Afterwards we get the beatdown from the Bullets until Ricky Starks and FTR make the save, and when that doesn’t take, CM Punk comes in and cleans house himself. Frankly I was expecting them to wheel Punk in with a face mask like Hannibal Lecter or something based on the breathless “CM PUNK IS IN THE BUILDING!” tweets today. Anyway the match was terrible but the post-match brawl was tremendous. And Punk books an 8 man match for Collision to pay it off.

CONCESSION STAND BRAWL: Jeff Jarrett v. Mark Briscoe

As promised, they start in the concession stand and Briscoe runs Jarrett through a table and beats on him with a trash can, before squirting him with mustard and whacking him with his wiener. This brings a suspicious worker out to squirt Mark in the face with ketchup, but thankfully medical personnel clear his face off with water before permanent condiment damage can be done. Mark goes up a ladder and Sonjay Dutt pushes him off and through a table for a crazy bump, and we take a break. Back with the match in the ring now, but PAPA BRISCOE shows up at ringside and chokeslams Lethal through a table. Luckily Karen Jarrett is there to save her husband, but Mark makes the comeback with REDNECK KUNG FU. He goes for the Driller, but Satnam saves and chokeslams him. So Best Friends go after Satnam and everyone beats him down, with Rey Fenix and Penta adding some shots before Mark rolls up Jeff for the pin at 8:24. Jarrett had done a promo promising to leave AEW if he lost, but thankfully that didn’t seem to be the case because Chicago might have rioted if he actually went elsewhere. Super fun silliness here that earns four Elvis records out of four on the Memphis awesomeness scale that I made up earlier today while I was taking cold medication.

Meanwhile, the Blackpool Combat Club challenges the Elite to a 5-on-5 match for Forbidden Door. Hang on, the Elite only have 4 guys. I think their math is off.

Chris Jericho & Sammy Guevara & Minoru Suzuki v. AR Fox & Darius Martin & Action Andretti

Sammy takes Action down for one and they battle to a superkick stalemate. So it’s over to Darius, and he tries to chop to Suzuki and the crowd informs him of his error. Jericho comes in for a double-team and Suzuki poses with him. So Fox comes in and Sammy gets a cheapshot to take over as we take a break. Back with Andretti getting a hot tag and running wild, but Suzuki cuts him off with a sleeper. So Darius breaks that up and again the crowd informs him of his mistake there and he gets walloped. We get some highspots from the babyfaces and Andretti gets a standing shooting star press on Jericho for two. Back to Darius and they trade more big moves, but Suzuki piledrives Fox and Andretti breaks that up. Darius rolls up Jericho for two and gets a slingshot flatliner for two. He springboards in again, but Jericho catches him in the Walls and he taps out at 10:33. Another fun match with a super hot crowd. ***1/4.

Afterwards, Jericho calls out Sting and accuses him of being a whore who shows up for the highest bidder, and so we have another six-man challenge for Forbidden Door. So this brings out Sting for another showdown with Jericho, and they’ve got the guy, but we won’t know until Collision. Oh mean.

Meanwhile, Tony Schiavone and RJ City draw names for Battlebowl 2023, although we don’t see the results.

Meanwhile, the Elite admit that they only have 3 people available for Forbidden Door at the moment, but there’s a lot of guys who hate the BCC, including Eddie Kingston, who hates Claudio more than the Elite. And he’s going to pick the last guy himself.

Adam Cole joins us and he gets right to the point: He wants a rematch with MJF. So Maxwell interrupts and points out how convincingly he beat Cole last week, and because he cares about Adam’s health and well-being, there will be no rematch. But then Tony Schiavone interrupts and points out that these two are Wacky Partners Who Hate Each Other in the upcoming Lethal Lottery. I like the touch of both guys hating Tony for entirely different reasons. And then Tanahashi pops up and gets MJF’s name wrong as he challenges him again for Forbidden Door. And then Adam goads him into accepting the challenge after all.

You’re telling me. Surprised they didn’t throw in matches for Rampage and Collision while they were at it.

Speaking of which, we get the brackets for the Owen Hart tournament, which seems like a pretty clear path to CM Punk v. Juice Robinson or Powerhouse Hobbs in the finals.

Orange Cassidy & Katsuyori Shibata v. Daniel Garcia & Zack Sabre Jr

Good lord that TV title is ugly, like something out of a backyard wrestling promotion. Shibata trades takedowns with Zack to start and everyone gets into a staredown as we take a break. Back with Shibata and Sabre continuing to trade takedowns, and they fight for wacky submission holds and it’s a stalemate. Orange comes in and tries the vicious kicks on Zack, but that goes badly for him and the heels take over in their corner. Garcia comes in with a snap suplex for two and he takes out the knee for good measure. Zack comes in and goes to work on that and we take another break. Back with Zack on the attack, but Orange fights back. Hot tag Shibata and he throws kicks on Zack, but gets cut off and that allows Garcia to come in and give it a try. So Orange and Shibata double-team him with stereo kicks and then follow with stereo corner dropkicks. Shibata hits Garcia with a suplex for two, but Garcia rolls him into the Dragontamer, only for Shibata to quickly counter with a heel hook. Garcia makes the ropes and Shibata boots him in the face and goes to the sleeper, but Sabre interrupts. But then Orange comes in to help, and accidentally knocks Shibata out with the Orange Punch, allowing Garcia to roll him up for the pin at 16:57. So out of this, Orange defends against all three guys at Forbidden Door. I dunno, the match didn’t work really well for me, and the crowd wasn’t really into it. They were working hard but it never got past “good” for me. ***.

Meanwhile, Will Ospreay shows up late and buries Canada, and Don Callis offers his private security as a favor.

TBS title: Kris Statlander v. Taya Valkrie

Kris beats on her with chops to start, but Taya fires back with her own, so Kris SWEEPS THE LEG and gets two. Taya charges and lands on the floor, so Kris tries a backflip into an inverted DDT, which was ambitious but didn’t really work out. And then Taya knocks her off the apron and we take a break. Back with them slugging it out and Statlander hits a running knee in the corner and follows with a suplex for two. Taya with a double underhook into a spinebuster for two. Statlander with a rollup for two and a lariat for two. Taya comes back with a spear and goes up, but Kris cuts her off with a superplex and finishes with the Big Bang Theory at 8:47 to retain. This was fine but it feels like Taya is running near the end of her run here. **1/2

Meanwhile, Excalibur runs down an insane mixture of matches, upcoming interviews, and shows for the next week that no human being could keep track of. Tournaments! PPVs! TV shows! Other tournaments! Interview segments! Tournament matches on the shows and PPVs!

Eddie Kingston joins us for the main event promo segment, not to be confused with the segment upcoming on Collision where Sting will announce HIS partner, and he’s a little mad that Jon Moxley is throwing shade at him for teaming with the Bucks. Whom he does not like or respect at all, he wants to stress. So Moxley interrupts and Eddie has no time for his shit tonight and brings out Tomohiro Ishii as the fifth man. So the BCC attacks and lays out both guys, as Danielson demands Okada come out, and finally he does so. But then Wheeler Yuta takes his shot at Okada and gets taken out as a result. So Danielson leaves, and Okada hits the Rainmaker on Yuta instead to end the show.

Pffffffffff….this was a lot of a lot. It started out as a super hot show that I was having a lot of fun watching, but then it took a sharp left turn with the Adam Cole segment and became HOMEWORK. By the time we got to Excalibur reading off matches and segments and tournament brackets and mystery partner announcements and OTHER GODDAMNED TOURNAMENTS WITH OTHER GODDAMNED MYSTERY PARTNERS I was totally zoned out and couldn’t even remember what match they set up for Collision this week. Sometimes they can walk the fine line with this stuff, but this wasn’t one of those times. The PPV will obviously still rule this weekend at least.