The SmarK Rant for AEW Rampage – 04.07.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Rampage – 04.07.23

I’m writing this fairly late at night because I had other stuff going on today, so I’ll probably check out Battle of the Belts tomorrow when I have more time.

Live from Kingston, RI

Your hosts are Jim Ross, Excalibur & Tony Schiavone

FTW title: Hook v. Ethan Page

This is FTW Rules tonight, which is basically falls count anywhere. Page runs him off the apron right away and they brawl on the floor, where Hook immediately pulls out a table. They fight into the crowd and Hook gives him some pretty nasty shots out there, but Ethan pokes him in the eye, so Hook beats him down even more. Hook chases him further up the stands and beats on him with crossfaces, and then smashes a trash can on him for two, which the announcers note might be the first near-fall of Hook’s career. Page comes back and runs him into the railing and then boots him back to ringside again, but he gets into a discussion with a fan and that allows Hook to suplex him on the floor. Hook finds more plunder, but Page tries to powerbomb him through the ringside table and Hook escapes that. Hook runs him into the post, but Page pops up with a powerslam to put Hook through that table on the second try. That gets two. Into the ring for the first time, and Page does the comedy spot where he tries a chairshot and hits the ropes, knocking himself out. Hook with a Twist of Fate for two off that. Hook tries the suplex into the corner table, but Ethan fights out of that and puts him down with a pump kick. This sets up the powerbomb, but Hook flips into the Redrum to finish at 9:19 and retain. Man Hook was winning so dominantly that I thought they might be getting ready to beat him there as a swerve. Just a fun Attitude Era brawl and working with Page can only make Hook better. ***1/4.

QTV: They talk about the huge sale last week…when QT bought Hobbs a new car with Wardlow’s credit card. Aaron clarifies that the Lucha Bros use a style called “lucha libre”, and Cameron tells QT to “break a leg” and he quips “Who am I, Dante Martin?” TOO SOON, bro.

2.0 & The Acclaimed v. LSG, Bobby Orlando & The Infantry

Caster declares that 2.0 are “more annoying than Marjorie Taylor Greene” which might be going too far. The local geeks quickly get quadruple-teamed by the oddball team and Orlando takes Scissor Me Timbers, but the Acclaimed refuse to scissor 2.0, which is kind of hurtful if I’m being honest. I thought they were all about inclusivity? Mic Drop finishes at 2:00. And then the JAS in fact does turn on the Acclaimed, and the Acclaimed probably had that one coming.

Meanwhile, Swerve has his big announcement: He’s merged with another stable but we have to wait until later to find out who.

Lee Moriarty v. Darby Allin

Apparently Darby got run over by a car while skateboarding in New York. Good, damn skater punks causing trouble for everyone. Moriarty with a straitjacket hold to start, but Darby rolls him up for two. They fight over the knucklelock and Moriarty beats on him in the corner and then takes him to the floor for a brawl out there. That allows Big Bill to take Darby out with a big boot, and that gets two. Moriarty ties him up with a backbreaker submission and double-stomps the back to work on it, but Darby makes a comeback and Bill interferes again and takes him out. That allows Moriarty to use the skateboard for two and he beats on Darby’s ribs and hits him with forearms in the corner. Darby fights back with a shotgun dropkick into the corner, but he goes up and Big Bill interferes again and allows Moriarty to put Darby down for two. Moriarty with a dragon suplex for two. He drops Darby on the top rope and boots him down to the mat, and a superplex follows, but Darby counters into a cradle for two. Lee with his own cradle for two, but Darby backslides for two. Code Red and he takes out Bill with a dive for good measure, and the Coffin Drop finishes at 10:54. The crowd was pretty subdued for this one and I was mostly bored by it, but the match was fine. I feel like Darby sold way too much for someone moving towards a PPV main event. **1/2.

Afterwards, Swerve reveals his new goons: The Embassy. And Brian Cage lays out Darby with a sick F5 on the ramp, bouncing Darby’s head in the process. So I’m guessing that Cage re-signed then?

Meanwhile, RJ City mediates a discussion between Jade Cargill and Taya Valkyrie. Taya does not show proper respect to Jade and it quickly breaks down into a shouting match.

Anna Jay v. Julia Hart

At issue here is Anna touching Julia’s hat, which you apparently don’t do. Julia quickly sends Anna to the floor and runs her into the railing, but Anna catches her on the way in and puts the boots to her. Back to the floor and Anna runs her into the railing and swings her into it to take over. Back in the ring, Anna chokes her out while the old white men announcers discuss Anna’s “fat ass and bad attitude” and then clarify that she said it and not them. Luckily you miss the cringe on TNT. Anna beats on her in the corner and wraps her around the post to work on the back. Back in the ring, Anna with a hip check to the face as I guess Julia is the babyface here? Julia makes the comeback with superkicks for two. The crowd chants “Let’s go spooky” in a cute bit and Hart gets a standing moonsault for two. Julia with a handspring and Anna catches her in a Gory Bonb for two and hooks the choke. Julia escapes and comes back with clotheslines in the corner. They fight to the top and Julia gets hung in the Tree of Woe, but uses her core and pulls Anna down before following with a sloppy moonsault press for two. Anna tries the choke again and Julia rolls her over for two, and they head to the floor but Julia distracts the ref and blows black mist for the pin at 9:50. This was pretty rough for a main event match and the crowd was as confused as me about who they were supposed to be cheering for. *1/2.

Just a mostly watchable hour of wrestling with kind of a dead crowd. Usual for Rampage.