The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.27.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.27.84

OK, this is it for real this time, the go-home show for Summerslam 94, which is where I bid farewell to Superstars for good.

Taped from Wheeling, WV, where they’ve been for the past MONTH now.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Bret Hart joins Vince in the ring to start for his last thoughts before the Summerslam, and he’s pretty torn about stepping into the ring with his own brother in the most dangerous match in the WWF. Bret notes that it’s not the Dungeon and they’re not gonna be “rolling around on the mat and having fun”. That’s a drastically different experience than most people had in the Dungeon, I’d say. So Bret thinks the best thing about the cage is that “that big fat tub” Jim Neidhart can’t interfere. Ouch. Why fat-shame the poor guy when you can make fun of him for smoking crack or something else instead? I mean, his crazy wife is RIGHT THERE.

Back from the break, and Bret is leaving and runs into Owen and that big fat tub Jim Neidhart, who are both understandably upset about Bret’s hurtful rhetoric.

That Big Fat Tub Jim Neidhart v. Frank Stiletto

I can only assume that Stiletto usually works…as a heel.

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YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

Anvil beats on him with clubbing forearms and then puts him in the camel clutch to finish at 2:00.

So after that inspiring squash win, Jerry Lawler interviews the brothers-in-law, and Owen is pretty sure that Bret is terrified of all the pain and suffering that will be inflicted in the cage. Well, unless Bret has another surprise family member at ringside to even up the odds, but how likely is that?

Mabel v. Barry Horowitz

As usual with this era, they cut out the entire MOM entrance and just start with Mabel in the ring. Mabel quickly hits Barry with a corner splash while Vince makes Garth Brooks references, and finishes with a terrifying legdrop off the middle rope at 1:14. And then they do his whole entrance song in full after the match, which makes the earlier edit all the more perplexing.

Meanwhile, Leslie Nielsen continues his search for Undertaker and the vignettes continue to make absolutely no sense. Spoiler: He doesn’t actually solve the case.

SUMMERSLAM REPORT! WITH TODD!

Mostly we get clips from Sunday Night Slam, of the Crush-Tatanka match and Bull Nakano winning a squash match. Todd tells us that we have NO MORE EXCUSES and need to call our cable company RIGHT NOW. OR ELSE.

Jeff Jarrett v. Duke The Dumpster Droese

Here we are, THIRTY YEARS LATER, and JJ is still a featured guy on a national TV show and has won me over. Wrestling is weird. Jarrett attacks and runs Duke into the turnbuckles to start and follows with a dropkick and double axehandle off the middle rope. Jeff goes up again and lands in a bearhug, and Duke makes a brief comeback, which Vince classifies as “the smell of victory”, unlike the smell of trash that Duke usually exudes. Sadly this proves untrue as Droese quickly misses an elbow to cut off his comeback attempt, and Jarrett pins him with his feet on the ropes at 2:02. This brings out Oscar to protest, as Vince dubs him “The Rapmaster”. I hope WCW sued him for that one. So Oscar stooges off Jarrett in rap form, and somehow old white guy Earl Hebner is the one to side with him and THIS MATCH MUST CONTINUE. So Jarrett smacks Oscar off the apron and decides to walk out, but Mabel shows up, so Jarrett runs into the crowd and apparently the match no longer has to continue. So Duke wins by countout or whatever. Man I really want to order the Summerslam now! Vince: “Mabel is gonna be doing some rapping of his own! Rapping his knuckles right in the kisser of Jeff Jarrett!” If Vince McMahon didn’t exist we’d probably have to create him in a laboratory.

Meanwhile, famous baseball player Walter Payton, winner of multiple Grand Slam titles, is keeping his eye on Diesel and Shawn Michaels at Summerslam.

Razor Ramon v. Mike Collins

The guest announcing geek of the week, T. Harris, is actually pretty good at it for a change. Razor slaps Collins around in the corner and slams him, then goes to the abdominal stretch and then wraps him up in an STF and slaps him around some more. Middle rope superplex and Razor’s Edge finish at 1:30. GREAT bump from the jobber on that one.

The Heartbreak Hotel with special guest Ted Dibiase and his Undertaker. So we’re at the go-home show and they’ve never even explained what the deal with the fake Undertaker is, or why there are two of them in the first place. And then the supposed real Undertaker does a promo over the PA and we’re out.

And that’s all for WWF Superstars, which has run its course for me and finished the story, like Cody Rhodes. But without the rubber chicken.