The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.16.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.13.94

Daylight Savings Time has struck again everywhere in the western world except for Saskatchewan so once again I’m befuddled as to when I should be posting these. So if they’re up later or earlier, that’s why.

Just a couple of episodes left before Summerslam and then I’m wrapping this show up for good.

Taped from Wheeling, WV (3600 “heavily papered” according to thehistoryofwwe.com) on August 2 1994.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler. So that’s it for Jim Ross, I’m guessing. Immediately having Vince on commentary, along with Howard Finkel as ring announcer, makes the show feel at least slightly more important than it has been.

The Headshrinkers v. Barry Horowitz & Reno Riggins

Reno has some odd gear going this week instead of his usual dice-themed trunks. Reno immediately gets sent flying by a Fatu chop and Barry reluctantly tags in to give it a try. Fatu hits him with a backbreaker and then clobbers Reno with a forearm, and Samu gets two. And Fatu finishes with the flying splash at 2:10. They’re still advertising the Summerslam tag title defense against Bam Bam & IRS at this point, which shows how last-minute the switch to Shawn and Diesel really was. Reno and Barry are usually a quality enhancement team but there wasn’t much to this one.

Meanwhile on RAW, IRS & Bam Bam beat Tatanka and Doink in a main event anywhere in the Tri-State area, and proceed to beating Tatanka down until Lex Luger makes the save. And they accuse each other of selling out because they’re both idiots. Still at least a little more intriguing than almost anything on the card.

Afterwards, Lex Luger storms into the Million Dollar dressing room, where Volkoff is happy to see him, and that only enrages Tatanka even more.

Bob Backlund v. John Paul

Bob offers a handshake to start and Vince is DISGUSTED by this obviously fake show of fake sportsmanship. So Bob takes Paul down while Vince crafts this whole story about how Bob has nothing but disdain for the New Generation of WWF superstars, and Bob quickly PROCURES THE CHICKENWING on Paul for the submission at 1:20 and then snaps again.

Adam Bomb v. Timothy Well

Bomb has new fan-friendly blue and yellow gear now, which makes him look like a henchman on Batman from the 60s. Well gets clotheslines right away for two, but he misses a blind charge and Bomb hits a terrible DDT and then goes after Harvey. So Well Dunn teams up behind the ref’s back with a double DDT and then the ref sees it and they’re DQ’d at 2:15. This was wretched and pointless. Adam Bomb can’t even beat half of WELL DUNN cleanly?

Meanwhile, Leslie Nielsen continues searching for Undertaker and it’s pretty stupid. As a sample, Leslie narrates that “the girls were feeling macho” and then we see a pair of girls sitting with Macho Man on a chair by the pool, feeling his arms. It doesn’t get any better from there. Maybe Undertaker should pay $8 to Elon Musk and get verified as the real thing.

SUMMERSLAM REPORT! BROUGHT TO YOU BY DOMINO’S PIZZA!

Bret and Owen have comments about the cage match, and Razor introduces famous sports person Walter Payton, who will be in his corner for the match with Diesel.

Doink the Clown v. Chad Miller

Doink works the arm and backdrops Miller out of the corner, then follows with a powerslam and finishes with the Whoopie Cushion at 1:21. Ironic that Summerslam was built around a fake Undertaker and no one questions the legitimacy of the clown, who is clearly a different guy than he used to be. Where’s the Leslie Nielsen investigation into THAT one?

The Heartbreak Hotel with special guest Jim Cornette. There’s still rumors that Yokozuna is afraid of the Undertaker, as they’re already moving past the twin Undertaker garbage before they’ve even made it to Summerslam and setting up the Yokozuna rematch for Survivor Series.

“Undertaker” v. Major Yates

The more they keep putting the faker on TV, the more it exposes him and kills off the feud. And he’s not even doing anything particularly evil, he’s just wrestling the same squashes that the real one did. Chokeslam finishes at 1:00 and then the guy gets stuffed into a body bag.

LIVE EVENT NEWS! Jeff Jarrett doesn’t like rap music, and Mabel does the rap music, so now they’ll fight at Summerslam.

Meanwhile, Paul Bearer is in a graveyard, and he’s going to dig up Undertaker and bring him to Summerslam. Apparently grave robbing is part of the New WWF Generation.

NEXT WEEK: Adam Bomb & The Smoking Gunns (The Second Amendment Connection!) v. Well Dunn & Kwang! Hopefully Adam Bomb can actually beat THAT team. I’m not holding my breath.

This episode just continues to reinforce my conclusion that it’s no longer a show worth watching.