The SmarK Rant for AEW Rampage – 11.04.22

The SmarK Rant for AEW Rampage – 11.04.22

I just got done watching “Weird: The Al Yankovic Story” so this show is gonna have a hard time topping it for batshit craziness, I think.

Hold on, apparently Orange Cassidy is defending the All-Atlantic title against Shibata in the main event? With Mike Tyson on commentary?

Challenge accepted, then.

Live from Atlantic City, NJ.

Your hosts are Jim Ross, Excalibur, Tony Schiavone & Iron Mike Tyson

All-Atlantic title: Orange Cassidy v. Katsuyori Shibata

Tyson is disappointingly subdued and coherent on commentary and seems to know the names of both guys, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of having him there. Shibata takes Orange down with a headlock while Orange keeps his hands in the pockets, and Orange dodges the PK attempt and comes back with a dive outside. They fight out there and Orange gets run into the railing a few times, hurling himself all over the ringside area to put Shibata over. Orange fires back with forearms and they slug it out on the floor before beating the count back into the ring. Shibata wants a mat wrestling session, but Orange backs off and waits on the top rope. But then he decides to put his hands back in the pockets and Shibata takes him down for a figure-four. “You’ll notice when he sits up he puts more pressure on the knee” notes Mike Tyson. COME ON. Say something wacky! Orange gets his DDT out of the corner and follows with a shotgun dropkick, before battering Shibata with the kicks. The man had a brain explosion! Do you want to kill him with those?! Shibata thankfully escapes the brutal beating and takes Orange down with an STO. “That’s called an STO” notes Mike Tyson. He’s killing me with this accurate and normal commentary. Shibata throws his own brutally understated kicks, and then Orange challenges him to a striking battle on the mat and miscalculates Shibata’s sense of humor quite badly. Shibata beats the crap out of him in the corner and hits the dropkick, then floats over with a suplex for two. Shibata tries for a rear choke, but Orange escapes with a suplex and they hit each other with forearms for a double down. Orange is up first and hits Shibata with a PK, but Shibata doesn’t even flinch and just pops up with an elbow strike to put Orange down. Shibata with a flying octopus into a takedown on the mat, but Cassidy makes the ropes and escapes with the stunner. Orange gives him more insulting kicks, but Shibata catches him with a death valley driver. Orange counters another one into the stunner, and then follows with the Beach Break for two. This sets up the Orange Punch, but Shibata doesn’t even go down and just grabs Orange in a choke before dropping him with a suplex. But then Orange pops up with a second Orange Punch and gets the pin to retain at 11:11. I was hoping for a crazy trainwreck with rambling commentary from Mike Tyson and I got the exact opposite, a great hard-hitting serious TV match with engaged commentary from Tyson. They can’t even be terrible correctly right now! ***3/4

Meanwhile, Toni Storm is kind of whiny about Jamie Hayter being a bully to her. People have been calling her “Mono-Toni Storm” and now I can’t unhear it.

Meanwhile, the Blackpool Combat Club has got some issues with Chris Jericho and his attacks on announcers, and both Claudio and Bryan Danielson are former ROH champions and want another shot at him. I think we’ve seen enough of Danielson v. Jericho for a while so I’m assuming Claudio is the one who gets the shot at the PPV.

Dr. Britt Baker DMD & Jamie Hayter v. Madison Rayne & Skye Blue

Oh yay, more Madison Rayne on TV. Wasn’t she supposed to be hired as a coach and stay behind the scenes? Why can’t they put Abadon on TV instead? She didn’t even get to work the Halloween show! Blue tries a rollup on Jamie and gets dropped on the top rope, and Team Britt takes over in the corner. Britt comes in with a sling blade for two. Skye with a rollup for two, but Britt boots her down again and Hayter gets the snap suplex for two. Jamie beats on her while the crowd chants for Hayter, and she goes to a chinlock. Man, they don’t even talk about Thunder Rosa on TV anymore. They need to just put the belt on Hayter and drop this interim nonsense. Hayter beats on Blue out of the chinlock, but Blue fights back with a superkick and makes the alleged hot tag to Rayne. The crowd could not care less. Rayne with a cutter, but Hayter cuts her off with a backbreaker and Britt gets the neckbreaker for two. Rayne makes a comeback and tries a crucifix on Hayter and that goes badly as they can’t figure it out, and Hayter thankfully finishes her off with the lariat at 7:31. This triggers a brawl between Toni Storm and Hayter, but Britt lays out Storm with the belt, knocking her out on an interim basis. The match was as boring as watching a House Hunters International marathon with your wife while doom-scrolling Twitter on your phone, but the post-match brawl was pretty good. *1/2

Meanwhile, Chris Jericho calls out a famous sportsball player, and then we get a promo from Jericho and Sammy backstage with Tony, and he decides to take his chances with both Danielson and Claudio in a three-way because he’s pretty sure they don’t like each other. And then he’ll throw in Sammy Guevara to make it a four-way for good measure.

Ricky Starks returns from the void for an interview in the ring, and he announces that he’s entering the eliminator tournament, and he’s going to hold the crumbling promotion up on his back.

Meanwhile, Sammy returns and throws out a challenge to the BCC for Dynamite.

We finally get the brackets for the Full Gear tournament and SURPRISE, it’s a bunch of midcarders going nowhere and doing nothing, so I guess Ethan Page really is winning this thing and then doing the job to the champion. Where’s Miro? Throw him in there and let them run through some guys!

Wardlow & Samoa Joe v. The Gates of Agony

OH MY GOD STOP BOOKING THIS FEUD ALREADY. I like how they managed to completely cool off Wardlow after the MJF feud, and then put him on TV where he pointed out that he was getting cooled off, and then he gets stuck in a tag team going nowhere against ROH guys every week and somehow he’s even colder now. It’s quite the feat of backwards development. Wardlow beats Kaun down to start, and then it’s over to Joe and Toa for a slugfest. Toa bites him and Kaun gets a cheapshot from the apron and then comes in to choke Joe out on the ropes. Kaun gets some shots in the ropes and the crowd is dead while JR notes that Wardlow is 42-2, which makes him hotter than bacon grease, and everyone agrees on that assessment. Kaun with a chinlock, but Wardlow gets the hot tag and suplexes the Gates, and hits a spinebuster on Kaun for two. Joe hauls Toa out of the ring to get rid of him, and Wardlow takes out Prince Nana, but gets rollup by Kaun for two. But then he finishes destroying him with the powerbombs at 9:20. Complete snoozer. *1/2 And this brings out Powerhouse Hobbs for another confrontation with Wardlow and they point and yell at each other to end the show.

I was hoping for a crazy disaster and instead we just got another boring episode of the same old Rampage. Shibata and Orange Cassidy is definitely worth watching, but you can safely skip the rest of this deathly dull episode and not miss anything of note.