The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Even More Unusual Matches!

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents EVEN MORE Unusual Matches

Now, grammatically speaking, is this a compilation of even more matches that are unusual, or a compilation of matches that are even more unusual?

And yes, it’s the classic spinning cube and saxophone intro for this one.

Your hosts are Craig DeGeorge & Johnny V

Lumberjack match: Randy Savage v. Bruno Sammartino

From the Boston Garden, February 87. This is a pretty sparsely attended lumberjack match, with basically Ricky Steamboat and then a bunch of geeks. And then people who are sub-geek level, like Dino Bravo and Frenchy Martin. Savage attacks to start because Bruno won’t put Liz in danger, but he goes up and Bruno catches him coming down. So Savage runs away and gets thrown in again right away. Bruno beats on him in the corner and Savage slides out again, but they toss him right back in and Bruno continues whipping his ass. Savage goes for the foreign object and uses it to take over. This time Bruno gets tossed and the heels get some cheapshots on him, and Savage hits him with a double axehandle on the way back into the ring, for two. Elbow drop gets two. They collide and Bruno falls out on the heel side again, but this time he beats on the geek heels and makes his own comeback in the ring. He runs Savage from post to post and then throws him right out for the Dragon to get some free shots. Back in, Bruno gets the bearhug, but King Kong Bundy runs in for the DQ at 4:19 and PANDEMONIUM HAS BROKEN LOOSE. And yeah, everyone fights to the back, leaving Bruno and Steamboat to stand tall. Fun but way too short. 1 for 1.

$50,000 Tag team Battle Royale:

And we are in MSG, as the Bulldogs and Hart Foundation eliminate each other 5 seconds in. We’ve got the who’s who of 80s tag teams in there, with the Dream Team, Machines, Studd & Bundy, Islanders, Killer Bees and Rougeaus all left. It’s the usual punching in the corners, but Brunzell gets backdropped out by Valentine at 2:00 to eliminate the Bees. Studd backdrops Jacques out at 2:45 to take out the Rougeaus. A Machine backdrops Beefcake out at 3:20 as we’re really breezing through this one. Bundy and Studd double-team Big Machine out at 3:41, leaving the Islanders and Heenan Family as everyone is working like they’ve got dinner reservations waiting or something. So everyone slugs it out as we get big meaty men slapping meat in the corners, but Bundy hits Tama with the Avalanche to wipe him out. So the heels double-team Haku, but Bundy knocks out Studd at 5:17 and the Islanders win the best kind of battle royale: A FAST ONE. 2 for 2.

WWF title, TEXAS DEATH MATCH: Hulk Hogan v. King Harley Race

From MSG again and Howard Finkel reading the rules of the Texas Death match is just the most awesome thing ever, leading up to warning the front row that they need to leave now or STAY AT YOUR OWN PERIL. That is wrestling at its most purely carny and wonderful. This is right up the alley of cheating back-stabber Hogan, who can now flaunt the rules with aplomb. And of course he attacks Race right away and beats on him outside, then clotheslines him back in the ring with his t-shirt and beats on Harley some more. Race bumps to the floor off Hulk’s chops and then hits him with the damn telephone at ringside. Well, they’re not phoning this one in, at least. Hulk breaks a chair on Race’s head and bites him. Granted there’s no rules in this thing, but someone should really make some to get maniac Hogan under control. Race just blatantly kicks him in the balls and goes to work on him with kneedrops and then even more blatantly stomps him in the old yam bag. He follows with a piledriver for two. Hulk crawls for the floor like a coward and Race drops knees on him to stop him from running away, and follows with a gut wrench for two. Hulk throws Race out and then goes after Bobby Heenan, who is crippled and wearing a NECK BRACE mind you, but Race saves his manager and beats on Hulk with a steel chair to teach him some manners. Good luck there, King. Race with a headbutt, which scientifically hurts more on the floor, but then he tries a falling headbutt and lands facefirst on the concrete. I wouldn’t want to be that concrete. Back in, Hulk makes the comeback with the big boot and then clotheslines Race to the floor again, as Harley makes sure to miss all the chairs set up at ringside and land on the floor instead, because that’s a cooler bump. Race tries to escape from this cheating psychopath, but Hulk chases him down and beats on him with a chair, completely unprovoked, until Race manages to fight him off and save his own life with a piledriver on the floor. He literally had no other choice. Back in the ring, Bobby presents Race with the title belt, so Harley hits Hulk with that and goes up for the diving headbutt, which sadly lands on the belt. So Hulk comes back again and hits Race with the belt for the pin at 10:00 to retain. Sure, he won, and it was something like one of those four-star matches all the kids like, but at what cost? 3 for 3.

WWF title, TEXAS DEATH RE-MATCH: Hulk Hogan v. Harley Race

The only thing more dangerous than a Texas Death Match is a TEXAS DEATH RE-MATCH, and that’s just science. We’re in the Boston Garden for this one, as Hogan drags Race to the floor and beats him around ringside before giving him an atomic drop. Thankfully Race is able to escape Hogan’s wrist tape by kicking him in the crotch, and then pulls out some knucks and beats on Hulk with those before dropping a knee on the floor. Back in, Harley piledrives him and drops a knee on his neck for two. Yeah! Mess up his pretty face, Harley! Hulk escapes to the floor, probably begging the front row for money so he can bribe the referee into giving him a quick count, and Race hauls him in and puts him down with a headbutt for two. Race with a gut wrench for two. He tries another suplex, but Hulk reverses to his own and then clotheslines Race with his t-shirt remnants. Gross, that thing’s been stuffed into his tights for the whole match, now Harley has to smell Hogan stank while taking bumps. That’s just nasty. Hulk clotheslines him to the floor, but he goes after Bobby Heenan (who is still wearing a neck brace I remind you) and Race runs Hogan into the post to save. So they fight down the aisle and Hulk tries to go back to the dressing room and forfeit, but Race heroically chokes him out with a curtain and brings him down to ringside to take the ass-kicking he deserves. And that leads to a diving headbutt off the apron and to the floor. Harley declares himself the rightful champion at this point and hits Hulk with the belt, but he goes up and Hulk hits him with it on the way down to block. That’s not your belt, faker! Harley is the rightful champ! And Hulk hits him with it for the pin at 09:11, just like in the first match. This kind of behavior on Hulk’s part just makes you sick to your stomach. Begrudgingly I give it another point despite Hulk’s sickening antics and poor sportsmanship. 4 for 4.

Chain Match: Billy Jack Hayes v. Hercules

Off to Maple Leaf Gardens in 87, giving me my daily dose of Billy Red Lyons. They do the tug of war and Herc quickly knocks him down with the chain and chokes him out, and then slugs him down to draw blood. I’d say that you could get a contact high from that blood, but Herc was probably on as many drugs as Billy Jack anyway. Herc continues beating on Haynes with the chain and then clotheslines him down with it and then whips him with it while Billy continues to sell for the entire match. Finally Herc tosses him and stops to pose, but Billy Jack yanks the chain to crotch him and hauls him out to the floor and chokes him out. This busts Hercules open and Billy slugs away with the chain in the ring and then chokes him out in the corner. Billy Jack goes up and drops a fist on him, which sets up the full nelson, but Herc runs him into the turnbuckle to break free. And then Herc ties up his legs in the ropes with the chain and pins him at 8:48! Goddamn that was a smart finish. This ruled. 5 for 5.

Women’s tag team title: Judy Martin & Leilani Kai v. Penny Mitchell & Candice Perdue

Yes, it’s women doing wrestling, which was unusual for the 80s because we didn’t know women were good for anything yet. These days we are of course much more educated on women thanks to science and Lindsay Graham, and know that the proper place for them is in ratings death slots before the main event, or barring that, in the kitchen making sandwiches. Kai and Mitchell trade takedowns and Penny gets the better of that, but Kai makes the ropes. Over to Judy Martin, but Penny hits her with an atomic drop and then Perdue comes in and cleans house with dropkicks before the champs clothesline each other. Perdue with a back elbow on Martin for two, but she tries a flying headscissors and gets dropped on her face. And Judy tosses her by the hair to take over. Kai comes in with a northern lights suplex for two. They double-team her in the corner and Kai gets two. The double-teaming continues in the corner as the Boston crowd turns on the match. Finally Penny gets the hot tag and runs wild with a backdrop on Martin and a slam on Lei for two. Fireman’s carry slam gets two and it’s BONZO GONZO, but Martin sneaks in and powerbombs Mitchell for the pin at 9:38. Lord Alfred notes that the move is called “the drip dry” in England, but sadly that one never caught on. Also during the replay, Gorilla slips up and talks about the “hot tag”. 5 for 6.

And now, a feature on unusual animals, as we meet Damian the snake, Frankie the bird, Steamboat’s Komodo dragon, Matilda the dog, and JYD.

Hulk Hogan & Billy Jack Haynes v. The Hart Foundation & Danny Davis

This is some sort of Superstars dark match, with Craig solo on commentary. Well you KNOW this one is gonna have nuclear heat. We get the stalling to start as Neidhart starts with Haynes and then demands Hogan instead, which results in the heels getting chased off. Back in the ring, we get Hulk working on Bret’s arm 5 years before we knew we desperately wanted to see that as a singles match, and the faces double-team him in their corner. Bret tries a leapfrog on Billy but gets caught with an atomic drop off that. Luckily Anvil is able to put Haynes down with a nice clean cheapshot, and the Harts hit him with a Demolition elbow before doing some more double-teaming in the corner with the help of Danny Davis. Davis was an underrated weapon to have in a tag team match, because he would know exactly how to distract the ref and run interference for you. Davis comes in and gets a couple of kicks on Haynes and then tags out again, playing it up to the hilt. Anvil with a bearhug and Haynes fights out and makes the tag to Hulk, but it’s a false tag and Billy gets hauled back to the heel corner for more abuse. Hulk probably didn’t have the tag rope in his hand anyway because you can always assume cheating on his part unless proven otherwise. Finally Hulk gets the hot tag and hits Anvil with the corner clothesline, and then finishes with the legdrop at 8:41. And then they beat up on Danny Davis for no reason afterwards and chase him out of the ring. True sportsmen. 6 for 7.

Bunkhouse Battle Royale:

Back to Boston for this one, and this has got some pretty famous stuff in it. Most notably Lanny Poffo, who is wearing a literal suit of armor for his attire. Jim Neidhart gets thrown out at 1:00, following immediately by Mr. Fuji at 1:10. Muraco backdrops Spivey out at 2:00 and Poffo looks to be out on the floor as well. Everyone fights in the corner and Pete Doherty beats on Muraco while Valentine throws out Scott McGhee at 3:12. And he basically knocks himself out on the floor and has to be helped back by medical staff. Brutus gets thrown out at 4:20, and then Blackjack Mulligan goes on a tear and gets rid of Bob Orton and Jimmy Jack Funk at 5:00. Hillbilly Jim is out at 5:30 off-screen. The Duke is still alive, by the way. Sika and Valentine both go out at 6:05, along with Mike Rotundo and Haku in a big pile. Bundy backdrops Tama out at 6:23, and Muraco does a Flair Flip off Kirchner’s irish whip and he’s out at 6:44. And then Doherty throws out the Corporal at 6:50. Duke works with Bundy to go after Blackjack, but Bundy turns on him and throws him out at 7:20. So Doherty comes in with a chair and nails Bundy, allowing Mulligan to win at 7:45. And then he throws out Doherty again for good measure. This was a lot of fun. 7 for 8.

BONUS MIDGET MATCH: Little Louie & The Coco Kid v. Billy the Kid & Little Johnny

This is a random MSG match from the 70s. It’s a midget match. Thankfully it’s short. Ha. 7 for 9.

This is a GREAT tape, one of the best they put out. The Hogan-Race matches in particular are the highlight.