Herb Abram’s UWF Fury Hour #38 07/06/91

July 6th, 1992
Taped June 19th, 1992
Memorial Auditorium
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Commentators: Craig DeGeorge & John Tolos

I don’t know which set of tapings came first as Jonathan Plombon’s book says these Spartanburg tapings came first but Rock Star Gary insists the St. Petersburg shows are next…but I’m past the point of trying to figure it out considering there’s nothing important going on in either timeline and I’m here filled with COVID so like the ending to Mass Effect 3, make your choice as it doesn’t matter anyway.

Midnight Star vs. Death Row 3260

Another Death Row appearance means another opportunity to post the highlight of his career: getting into it with Mike Rotunda on national TV and then allegedly fighting and biting him backstage.

Death Row’s size means he’s over, with a missed Patera charge getting an excited “ooooh!” from the elderly. Midnight tries using some armbars to take him down but as Steve Redgrave proved, you can’t stop the Row. Death lands a dropkick and enziguri “to show how mad he is at society!” yells DeGeorge. Death Row was incorrectly imprisoned so he’s going to stick to the man by jumping off the second rope with a shoulder tackle for three and there’s nothing the police can do about it.

“Back to basics, that’s what professional wrestling used to be about” says Herb before Lou Alabano blunders in to ask when he’s going to get paid promote the UWF hot-line.

Jimmy Valiant vs. Viper II

We get a replay of Valiant’s WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN BAYBEH promo from last week. Valiant walks out hugging & kissing fans on the way to the ring and after embracing one of them, proceeds to knock her on her arse as he struts away baybeh.

Valiant at 49 resembling a child’s art project where he was asked to construct a spaniel out of pipe cleaners. Valiant has the crowd completely in his control as he stomps and struts and pulls his tights closer towards his nipples. Valiant throws his cap at his opponent who is disgusted at the smell. Valiant gets a bunch of taunts to build up his Jimmy-O-Meter before punching Viper II and applying a sleeper hold to win just like that. Wow. Valiant wrestling here was like trying to use a remote with no batteries, knowing that one good press is all it takes to work.

Colonel Red’s Corner

Red and his literally-a-corner-of-the-building yell at the camera about not wanting to interview Jimmy Valiant but Herb Abrams shows up and yells that he IS going to interview him next week and if he doesn’t then Red will be terminated. For not interviewing someone? Red then spits on Herb and leaves. It’s been a while since I typed up something about UWF and I’d forgotten the fun of wondering if Herb came in too early or if this was simply planned to be this bad.

Barry Horowitz vs. Tommy Angel

Barry lets us know he’s here to stay in his only UWF appearance. He also declares his interest in the Light Heavyweight Title tournament that wouldn’t happen. Meanwhile Tommy Angel has such a huge mullet and deep receding hairline it looks like his hair is attempting to escape his head. Tolos immediately calls him “David Horowitz” and we get some exciting armdrag and armbar exchanges. Tolos clarifies he meant to call him “The Star Of David” as Barry finishes with a Reverse DDT before calling it a “great great match.” Bret Easton Ellis could have written this match because it was less than zero.

David Perry vs Viper II

Another Herb trademark, the “we ran out of stars so the jobber is getting a squash match before the main event” which is definitely up there with “write a bad cheque then run out the window when the pimp shows up.” Perry lands a high dropkick, called a “good superkick” by DeGeorge. The crowd’s been hot the whole show but this is testing them. Viper II lands a clothesline that wouldn’t have broken the skin on a rice pudding before Perry lands a sidewalk slam to end it as we move on. Tolos puts over the sidewalk slam so much the commercial break cuts him off mid praise. “Holy cow what a move that wa-”

The Nightstalker vs. Johnny Kidd

That isn’t the British wrestler or the pirate but that is big Bryan Clark himself, a few years removed from having that godawful match with Sid at Clash Of The Champions. He’s still 6’6” and looks like a wrestler so surely not even Herb can blow the Bomb. Nightstalker keeps it simple with power moves and looks good doing so. Why’s he called Nightstalker anyway? At his size surely The Co-ed Killer would have been more fitting. One armed chokeslam sends Kidd away after not overstaying his welcome. Clark had can’t-miss all over him so of course he did.

We get a commercial for the Beach Brawl VHS, in case you didn’t see all of it already replayed on Sportschannel America last year. Features a quote from Pro Wrestling Illustrated simply saying “One of the best matches of the year!” and also one from Bruno saying “This is pro wrestling at it’s best!” That’s Bruno the co-commentator of the event.

Steve Ray shows up and tells us Steve Williams may not want responsibility of the belt because he’s gone back to Japan so he may as well get a shot at the belt next. Well when you put it like that.

Helmut Hessler (w/Kevin Casey) vs. Jeff Husker

Who vs what? Helmut was formerly of the German Storm Troopers tag team so I’m guessing by his renamed-Imperium-member name he’s supposed to be a bad guy. Husker is wearing American football headgear and I think he’s a local lad because he makes a sloppy attempt at a backdrop and the crowd go nuts. Tolos and DeGeorge don’t know and decide to yell at one another instead. Then we very cruelly go to break and come back and the bastards behind the editing machine go back a few minutes into the match to artificially stretch this sucker out to the required time slot. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that anywhere else, what an innovator Herb was. So we get a replay of Helmut holding Jeff in the ropes so Kevin can twat him with a nine iron, then Jeff tries a shoulder charge and ends up in a sidewalk slam to end the match. Tolos again praises the effort of the sidewalk slam. “That’s what I call professional wrestling!”

Oh and then the main event: Col. Red yelling for the second time in one night. Red proclaims Ivan Koloff is better than Jimmy Valiant and he don’t owe Jimmy NUTTIN cos he’s a DIRTY DAWG. Koloff then threatens Jimmy and it’s made all the better because he insists on calling him his full name of DA BOOGIE WOOGIE MAN with a thick Russian accent.

Overall: These tapings were just another instalment of Herb pouring buckets of water over the side of the boat despite the helm already being submerged. There’s nothing much of note unless you count people still being unable to agree about when and where the tapings occurred and whether or not anyone should care.

I’ve been Maffew, tired and empty.