The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.25.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.25.94

Well I got through King of the Ring 94 at least.

Taped from Erie PA on 05.25.94, as we’re once again up to a month between tapings. Feels like week 14 or so.

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Jerry Lawler. I’m assuming Vince was, you know, BUSY. In the legal sense.

Pierre v. Typhoon

So with Earthquake gone, we get ol’ Uncle Fred back as a substitute for him. 1994, ladies and gentlemen. Like who could possibly care about Typhoon after his WCW run? Typhoon overpowers Pierre to start and grabs a headlock before putting Pierre on the floor. Back in, Pierre tries a full nelson and can’t get anywhere with that, so Typhoon gets his own but then makes a heel error of pointing to his head to indicate intelligence, despite being a babyface in theory. So Pierre gets a cheapshot on him and goes up with a missile dropkick for two. Pierre beats on him with elbows out on the apron as the crowd is dead silent. Back in, Pierre puts the boots to him, but misses a blind charge and Typhoon gets the corner splash. Typhoon with the big fat Shockmaster splash to finish at 5:54. I feel like going with “0 for 1” isn’t giving this enough credit for how terrible it was, but that’s what I’ve got to work with. 0 for 1. And apparently this was supposed to make us excited to see Typhoon against Yokozuna!

KING OF THE RING UPDATE! WITH TODD PETTENGILL!

Yup, the Toddster runs down all the results of the show.

Well Dunn v. John Paul & Gary Sabaugh

“Oh great, it’s Well Dunn to save the show” said no one ever. Well gets a wristlock on the Stallion to start, but he walks into a clothesline and the jobbers get a bit of offense before Dunn gets a cheapshot from the apron to turn the tide. Gorilla is now claiming that Jim Neidhart was the “weak link” in the Hart Foundation, which is some quality revisionist history from him. Well Dunn misses a double team on Paul, but Well hits a leg lariat on Sabaugh to finish at 3:00. Holy shitballs this was somehow even more terrible than the opener. And that match had SHOCKMASTER! 0 for 2.

Coming to Coliseum Video this week: WrestleFest 94 and Bloopers Bleeps & Bodyslams!

Sparky Plugg v. George South

Jerry notes that Sparky is “so southern that he’s related to himself.” Well he DID have an idiot cousin. South manages to evade Plugg, but gets slammed as a reward and Sparky goes to work on the arm. South gets a cheapshot, and what I appreciate about George is that he goes “HA HA!” after every move to accentuate that he’s the heel. South gets a slam out of the corner for one and runs Plugg into the corner as Lawler notes that Gorilla has royalty in his blood – his grandfather is King Kong! Plugg finishes with a rollup at 2:45. What, no Overhead Cam? What’s even the point? 0 for 3.

“Undertaker” v. PJ Walker

And as soon as the bell rings, the entire angle was dead in the water. It’s immediately obvious that Brian Lee is shorter than Undertaker and moves completely differently. He slugs away on PJ in the corner and chokes him out, and the tombstone finishes at 2:03. This was ridiculously insulting, even now. All they would have had to do is have the babyface announcers disgustedly acknowledge that Dibiase had purchased a faker, and it would have been fine. But instead everyone has to act like a complete moron who is unable to see what any 5 year old in the audience could tell and pretend like it’s still the same person. This was DOA out of the gate and there was no saving it. I’m breaking the system and deducting a point, so we’re into the negative numbers now. -1 for 4. Also having an undertaker is fitting for this show because the crowd sounds like they’re in a morgue.

The 1-2-3 Kid v. Jeff Hardy

Oh man, concussion battle! Jeff offers a handshake and then takes Kid down with an armdrag, and then lets him get up and hiptosses him. Kid tries the leg lariat and Jeff catches the leg, so Kid hits him with an enzuigiri and drops the leg. Kid puts him down with kicks and adds a slam, but he goes to an armbar and Jeff makes the ropes. Jeff blocks a charge and goes up with the Poetry in Motion, but Kid swats him down and gets a figure-four combined with a guillotine for the submission at 3:00. Well I certainly wasn’t expecting to see Jeff Hardy’s debut on this awful episode. 0 for 5. So at least we’re out of the negatives now.

KWANG v. Chris Hamrick

Kwang slugs Hamrick down with his martial artistry, but Hamrick superkicks him for some brief offense before walking into a chop. Kwang with the side kick and he blows the dreaded red mist and follows with a clothesline before choking him out on the mat. Superkick finishes at 2:38. 0 for 6. I swear that Vince must have had to order his henchman to close all the exits off like at a Trump rally to prevent the entire crowd from running for their cars by this point.

KING OF THE RING UPDATE! WITH TODD PETTENGILL! PART TWO!

More great results from the Premium Live Event, in still photo form. Order the replay now and find out how much that guy weighs!

Lex Luger v. Barry Horowitz

Barry attacks on the ropes to start and chokes him out for two, but Lex comes back with a kneelift and follows with the clothesline and powerslam. And the torture rack finishes at 1:44. Say it with me. 0 for 7. And they overdub some REALLY obnoxious fake crowd noise and even add fireworks while he poses. LOOK AT THE STRIATIONS! Like, was this supposed to be the main event in the arena for these poor Pennsylvania fans? What a taping this must have been.

Next week: Paul Bearer gets interviewed! Jim Neidhart! IRS v. Doink! They should team up as “What Are Those Clowns In Washington Doing This Week?” I’m tempted to award myself the point for that awesome joke but I’ll refrain.

I mean, I feel like the phrase “this was the worst episode of this stupid show that I’ve ever seen” is starting to lose all meaning, but here we are again.