Dream Matches (Jim Powers, The Armstrongs & Disorderly Conduct ACTUALLY WIN MATCHES)

Welcome back to a slightly smaller Dream Matches column, as I wasn’t sure where to fit this legendary Disorderly Conduct/Armstrong Brothers D-show Gauntlet, but then the request I got for a JIM POWERS victory made me realize I could give them all their own column! So come see the excitement as Jim Powers and Barry Horowitz square off for six minutes so poor Monsoon & Hayes have to hype up a fucking WBF Pay-Per-View event, and then WCW’s booking committee fills time in their “D-Show ‘verse” as Mean Mike and Tough Tom manage to fight Scott & Steve Armstrong an astonishing FIVE TIMES over the course of 18 months! Which is awful, but a fascinating look at how guys can do the exact same batch of moves over and over and fashion slightly different lame matches out of them each time.

Also by request: Los Conquistadors get a rare TV win of their very own! Poor Sam Houston & Terry Taylor… but don’t worry- Taylor will spark off an angle at the end of the match that totally won’t ruin his career forever!

Jim Powers: The living definition of a *Clap* “YEAH!” Guy.

JIM POWERS vs. BARRY HOROWITZ:
(WWF TV, June 8th 1992)
* Yes, this is in fact an incredibly notable match- a JIM POWERS squash… where he’s NOT THE ONE BEING SQUASHED! He even gets goddamn theme music! He’s up against legit jobber (and humorously someone who ended up with more of a solo push than Jim did in the WWF) Barry Horowitz, here in lime green trunks. Powers is so excited to get a TV win he practically Barry Allens into the ring from the aisle, not letting any moments breathe properly.

They do simple standing switches to start, Jim repeatedly adjusting his wrist-tape like he picked the default setting on the Create-A-Wrestler for his taunts. They do Power Plant sequences as poor Gorilla has to segue from Jim’s physique to “And if you want to see great physiques, tune in to the WBF Championship!” like anyone but Vince would care to watch that. oh, this era. Barry eats a hiptoss and begs off a couple times, taunting Powers when he can and actually getting the fans into it with his “back-patting” schtick. Barry uses knees, backrakes & strikes to take over- Powers reverses a whip and misses a charge, Barry celebrating too early and getting clotheslined for two. Powers goes for armholds a lot as Monsoon & Alfred riff on guys like Mooney & Okerlund posing for the WBF and trashing Barry’s low class- his selling makes this otherwise boring sequence count for something, and he catches Jim with his head down to take over. Big neckbreaker gets two for Barry, but he gets cocky after avoiding Jim’s boot in the corner, charging into it on his second try, then eats an atomic drop, ten turnbuckle shots, a back body drop, kneelift and a Powerslam… and Jim Powers WINS A MATCH at (6:03)!

Actually an interesting little back-and-forth, as they were on a similar tier in credibility but Jim a tad higher, so Barry could actually do a bit of a match with him, and there were a lot of counters and basic-training stuff like the ol’ “headlock to headscissors to a stand-off” and the “leapfrog to hiptoss”, but really, the match was controlled largely by Barry’s great selling and character bits, jawing with the fans, flexing at the wrong times, pulling hair and arguing with the ref, etc., then screaming in pain for all of Jim’s stuff. Like Powers is the most generic wrestler, only doing his “YEAH!” fist-pumping when he really gets going, so Barry more or less fashioned a bout around him.

Rating: **1/4 (hardly as bad as you might imagine a Jim Powers squash to be, and it’s all thanks to ol’ Barry!)

When your WWF career is summed up by “WTF? THEY got to the end of that Survivor Series match with all the tag teams of the ’80s in it?”.

THE CONQUISTADORS (Conquistador #1 & 2) vs. SAM HOUSTON & TERRY TAYLOR:
(WWF TV, 8/1/1988)
* By request comes this very early Terry Taylor match, as he teams with Sam Houston against the Conquistadors, who I only remember from their inexplicable appearance in the 1998 Survivor Series, where I think they were only there to do a definitive job to the Powers of Pain at the end of the weird double-turn on that show. They are José Estrada Sr. and Jose Luis Rivera, neither of whom I’m very familiar with- they were mostly jobbers, but apparently have wins over the Rockers & Killer Bees, among others. Houston was a JTTS guy from this time, as I think he was kind of allowed to beat jobbers, but not anyone important. He has fringed assless chaps today, but thankfully sports white trunks. Taylor, in black trunks, has a big fancy robe on, so I guess he might be something. He was a big Mid-South name already by this point and had a few title reigns.

Houston starts off doing well, hitting some weird-looking ’80s-style headscissors and dropkicks (one being waist-high). Taylor hits a slam and the rookies trade off on armbars as the crowd is sitting on their hands- Heenan points out on commentary he’s waiting for Slick to team up One Man Gang & the Big Bossman while Monsoon awaits the newly-debuted Powers of Pain to face Demolition. The Conquistador (let’s call him “Tall”) pulls the hair to escape, and tags out to a much fatter one, who I dub “Fat” to make this easier. AGAIN both guys are dropkicked, but Terry eventually gets clobbered because he goes after Tall.

Tall & Fat work Terry over for FOREVER as the “fans” are reacting vocally but not visually, if you catch my drift. Terry gets a sunset flip but Fat clobbers him behind Marella’s back. Terry tries headbutts but eats a knee to the gut- a sidebreaker gets two but he launches Fat to the floor on the kickout, only to get hammered again. He FINALLY catches Tall with his head down and makes the hot tag, so Houston comes in with punches to everyone and it’s a donnybrook! But Terry gets pushed out by the ref as Houston tries a Running Bulldog only to get ANNIHILATED by a clothesline from Fat, and that’s the pin at (9:27). Apparently after this, a furious Taylor turned on Houston, and Heenan (who was impressed by Taylor’s arrogance during the match) took him under his wing and rechristened him the Red Rooster, immediately destroying Taylor’s career forever.

Rating: 1/2* (pretty bad match, as the Conquistadors were SO BAD, carrying the entire match with “punch the guy”, “kick him in the gut” and “rake his face/neck over the ropes” while the faster guys could only sell)

Scott Armstrong, wearing possibly the most jobbery look of all time.

DISORDERLY CONDUCT (Mean Mark & Tough Tom) vs. THE ARMSTRONGS (Scott & Steve Armstrong):
(WCW Saturday Night, 9/19/1998)
* Dear God- the insane WCW booking committee pit these teams against each other FIVE TIMES over a year and a half to fill TV time. Steve is in a yellow singlet, while Scott is in orange.

Steve dropkicks both guys, then Scott hiptosses both guys as we do the Power Plant Special of “The International” sequence and various go-behinds. Mean Mike grabs at Steve so a clothesline wipes him out. Jawjacker, double-elbow & axehandle off the top have Steve in trouble, and a side slam gets two. Rude Awakening/Flying Axehandle actually only gets two! Man, when you can’t beat STEVE ARMSTRONG with that, it’s time to hang it up. They do double-teaming and luring in Scott to keep on their guy, but finally one clotheslines the other off the top and Scott is a house afire (so hot you can actually see one fan in the stands clapping!). DC are dropkicked into each other and one guy is held up so Steve hits the missile dropkick for the win (5:18). hahahaah the ARMSTRONGS win! The match as it stands is perfectly acceptable, if hopelessly generic, full of 1980s Offense and heatless.

Rating: *3/4 (perfectly fine TV match, with some decent moves. Just nobody cared)

DISORDERLY CONDUCT (Mean Mark & Tough Tom) vs. THE ARMSTRONGS (Scott & Steve Armstrong):
(WCW Saturday Night, 3/27/1999)
* The all-time dream bout happens once more. DC are in blacker versions of their gear, but the Armstrongs annoy me by now having the same haircut so I can’t tell them apart. One has two pistols on black trunks, which indicates to me those are “Young Pistols” undies, so that must be Steve. Scott is thus in an orange & black singlet.

Steve easily gets the best of Tough Tom with 1980s Southern Offense galore, and Scott gets a cross-body for two on Mike, then the Armstrongs hit a backdrop suplex/flying splash as the announcers finally stop talking about other shit. Tom breaks up the pin and DC cheats- side suplex gets two. Multiple double-teams have Scott in trouble, then Tom hits a jawjacker and drop-toehold/elbow. Scott gets a sunset flip, but Steve runs in to try and complete the move and ends up distracting the ref. However, we get the same “missed flying clothesline” spot as last match, and Steve hits a double flying clothesline to DC. Everyone brawls, but DC toss Scott to Steve, who leapfrogs, then Steve ducks a double-clothesline and SCOTT wipes them out with a double-clothesline- the Assisted Missile Dropkick… no! Mean Mike breaks it up! And OH MY GOD- Disorderly Conduct hit the Rude Awakening/Flying Axehandle and WIN A MATCH (5:14)! Funny how Steve easily kicked out of that last match but now it finishes.

Rating: ** (pretty much the same as the first one- different cadence and a bit more clever double-teams but still very basic)

The hilarious thing about watching so many Disorderly Conduct matches is they have like 18 variations of the same horrible, boring gear.

DISORDERLY CONDUCT (Mean Mark & Tough Tom) vs. THE ARMSTRONGS (Scott & Steve Armstrong):
(WCW Worldwide, 6/26/1999)
* We skip entrances and go right to it. Scott’s in a yellow singlet & Steve’s in white trunks this time.

DC attack before the bell and we’re off, but Steve flies in with the double-clothesline again. Pescado by Scott! They double-team Mean Mike, but when they do the sunset flip spot this time, Steve adds a chop, distracting the ref so Tom can interfere. Side slam by Tom (who didn’t tag in) gets two. The same two double-team “neck on the ropes” moves as last match have Scott in trouble, and they start meandering around with brawling for a bit until they actually do something unique- a full nelson lift into the other guy’s Ligerbomb! Steve prevents the pin, and Scott uses that to spin both guys out of a second double-team and Steve beats on both- DC get thrown into each other, Mike’s superkicked to the floor by Steve, and the Assisted Missile Dropkick finishes at (4:23)- the Armstrongs are up 2-1!

Rating: *3/4 (meandered more than the last two matches, but had a decent double-team and a pescado, I dunno)

DISORDERLY CONDUCT (Mean Mark & Tough Tom) vs. THE ARMSTRONGS (Scott & Steve Armstrong):
(WCW Saturday Night, 7/10/1999)
* Yet another bout! Now Steve’s in black trunks and Scott’s in a blue singlet with “Born to do it!” written on the back. Okay then. It’s a nice color, though.

The Armstrongs charge right in before the bell and clear the ring, but DC catch Steve coming into the ring- however, he dodges one guy and he plasters his partner. The Amstrongs use generic-fu against Mean Mike- Mike hits a clothesline out of the corner but runs right into Steve’s on the apron as the Armstrongs are just fightin’ dirty. Mike hits a backdrop suplex and we TAKE A BREAK (during THIS match? What is this, Dynamite?), so we’re back with their double-team axehandle and then the Rude Awakening/Flying Axehandle on Steve, which isn’t a finisher this time so Steve’s out at two. He gets dumped to the floor and beaten up while the ref is distracted, then makes a false tag. Steve eats the jawjacker but gets a sunset flip, helped by Scott for two- it’s broken up so we get ANOTHER false tag spot and my god are these guys not earning all this time. Flying elbow (and a lame one- he just kinda drops down lazily like Orange Cassidy but not, like, on purpose) misses and Scott comes in with some punches, a double-clothesline, and the Assisted Missile Dropkick gets the win at (6:58).

Rating: 1/2* (My GOD that was way too much time. DC sorta ran out of moves good and early so were just left doing punches and stomps, and neither Armstrong is that good so their big comeback was just ’80s stuff)

DISORDERLY CONDUCT (Mean Mark & Tough Tom) vs. THE ARMSTRONGS (Scott & Steve Armstrong):
(WCW Saturday Night, 12/04/1999)
* This is the last one I can find, and may be the last time they ever fought. And OH GOD the Armstrongs are both in black shorts! Well at least Steve still has the twin pistols on his ass.

Scott has his way with the DC guys, even getting one to run into the other after they sneak a tag behind his back, then Steve flies off with his double-clothesline, then Scott flies out onto them with a pescado. Steve leaps over one and hits a cross-body out of the corner next, then hits a jumping shoulderblock and sets him up for Scott’s superkick. Wow, this is super one-sided. FINALLY one of them nails Scott when he starts kicking both their asses at once, and a powerslam gets two. Rude Awakening/Axehandle gets two again. The assisted double-axehandle hits but they miss that falling elbow again, and Steve beats up both guys until a double-dropkick puts one out- they try the Assisted Missile Dropkick, but the dude recovers and trips up Scott on the top rope! While the ref is distracted, Mike wipes out Steve’s knee while he’s holding Tom, and that gets the pin at (5:30) with his tights being held. Scott Hudson theorizes this is DC’s first victory on Saturday Night. So Disorderly Conduct manages to win two out of five of this incredible gauntlet! Another kinda meandering one. This one just had too much dominance from the Armstrongs, then a short DC segment.

Rating: *1/4 (kind of interesting to see just how commonly wrestlers use the same moves when you see them all in a row like this)

So I hope you all enjoyed this odd look into the horrors of what happens when the Big Two need to fill TV time so the announcers can talk about other bullshit. At least it’s not one of those ’80s house shows where Frenchy Martin has to go 20 minutes so Hulk Hogan can arrive from crossing the time zone five times in a day to work for a week straight or something.