The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 07.28.21 (Hour Two)

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 07.28.21

Well, SORT OF.  Because the Olympics apparently bumped the show here in Canada from TSN2 to TSN5 tonight, which I didn’t realize until the end of the first hour, at which point I was able to record the rest of the show.  So, here’s the second hour!  Hopefully nothing infuriating went down in the first hour, hahahaha LOL.

Fight for the Fallen

Live from Charlotte, NC

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Excalibur & Jim Ross

(Insert the first hour here in your minds)

Tony Schiavone announces that AEW Rampage will be coming to Chicago on August 20, which draws the expected chant from the crowd.  And then we get an interview with Darby Allin where he declares that needs to prove themselves in AEW, even if you’re THE BEST IN THE WORLD.

IWGP US title:  Lance Archer v. Hikuleo

With 100% more KING HAKU!  Still wouldn’t mess with him.  Archer throws elbows in the corner, but Hikuleo brings him out with a Last Ride for two.  Archer beats on him with elbows on the ropes, but Hikuleo catches him with a powerslam and clotheslines him to the floor as we take a break.  Back with Hikuleo in control as the replay reveals that Haku used the Tongan Death Grip during the break, and JR is busting out the “bowling shoe ugly” code for the match.  Archer goes up with the ropewalk, but Hikuleo escapes the Blackout, so Archer gets a superplex instead for two, and then finishes with the Blackout at 7:20.  Yeah not good.  When the announcers are apologizing for the match and the crowd is dead, you’re in a rough spot.  *

Meanwhile, Alex Marvez stops by gorilla to chat with Cody, but Malakai Black jumps in and attacks, and they brawl to the arena as Black hits him with the kick and knocks him out.  Some wrestlers come out to help, so Black kicks them into next week as well.

Meanwhile, Miro will not have his divine right to be God’s favorite champion taken away by Lee Johnson next week.  He only wants a vengeful god and a double-jointed wife!  Like any simple man.

Private Party & Angelico v. Jurassic Express & Christian Cage

Jungle Boy trades some stuff with Private Party to start and Cage chases Matt Hardy away to the back, and back in the ring Luchasaurus cleans house and hits a triple german suplex on the heels.  Dinosaurs are pretty strong, apparently.  Private Party teams up with a double suplex on Luchasaurus to take over, but he comes back with a chokeslam on Quen and Christian finishes with a frog splash at 4:39.  This felt quick and squashy.  **  And then the Blade pops out the crowd and lays out Christian with his brass knuckles to set up their next program.

Meanwhile, Nick Gage is MDK all day.  I really hope this is a one-shot deal and they send this shitbag back to rot on the indies or jail or wherever when they’re done.

Julia Hart v. Thunder Rosa

Rosa goes after the leg and beats on her in the corner, as she is apparently immediately the #1 contender to Britt Baker after signing a full time contract.  Rosa gets a corner clothesline, but misses a shotgun dropkick and Julia tries a bulldog.  Rosa counters to a rolling kneebar, but Hart makes the ropes.  So Rosa takes her down again and finishes with the piledriver at 4:04.  Another one that’s basically a squash.

Meanwhile, Jon Moxley is wondering how Olympic athletes can get into Japan and he’s stuck in America while Tanahashi is DODGING him.  And they cut to commercial while he’s talking!  That’s pretty rude.

Second Labour of Jericho, No Rules Match:  Chris Jericho v. Nick Gage

Gage whips out the pizza cutter and goes after Jericho’s arm right away, drawing blood, and they fight outside and back in for a falcon arrow from Gage that gets two.  Jericho takes him down with the Walls, but Gage uses the rope to pull himself to the floor to escape, and they fight out there some more.  Jericho gets run into the post and Gage loads up the ring with light tubes, but Jericho cuts him off with the baseball bat, so Gage takes him down with a backbreaker.  Back to the pizza cutter and he carves up Jericho’s forehead on multiple sides of the ring as Jericho bleeds all over.  They’re really pushing my tolerance for this kind of garbage at this point and going to that well way too much.  Speaking of which, Gage sets up a pane of glass on two chairs, and Jericho brings him off the top rope with a rana through the glass for two.  Jericho tries the codebreaker, but Gage slams him into the glass and smashes a light tube on him.  Piledriver on the glass gets two and Gage uses the broken light tube to stab Jericho in the face for a bit.  I’m over this, wrap it up.  So thankfully Jericho hits the Judas Effect and pins him at 13:23.  Fuck off with this.  ½*

And then MJF plays back a tape of Jericho’s wacky shot at Juvy months ago, which leads to next week’s Labour of Jericho:  He faces Juventud Guerrera in Jacksonville!  Well that should be interesting.  I wonder if they’re gonna bring in Lance Storm for one of these deals.

I guess it’s hard to rate the show without the ten men from the first hour, but the hour I watched SUUUUUUUUUUUCKED and NXT blew it away.  But hey, at least Hangman Page won and…um, I’m just getting a note here…oh.  Never mind.

Well I knew I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.