The SmarK Rant for GLOW S03E02 – 01.29.88

The SmarK Rant for GLOW – 01.29.88

OK, trying GLOW again, but I need to find a better way to qualify the ratings. Trying to review it like a normal wrestling show is a lost cause. For now we’ll go with the point system and see how it progresses.

https://tubitv.com/tv-shows/490334/s01-e02-ninotchka-s-reign-part-two?start=true

“Ninotchka’s Reign, Part Two”

Taped from Las Vegas, NV

Your host is Motormouth Mike Morgan

Your OPENING GAG: The referee informs the bad girl locker room that they’ve found a hole in the shower room wall. But the good news is the peeping tom decided to board it up because he didn’t want anyone looking in by mistake. And then Mountain Fiji beats him up for the punchline. Of sorts. Let’s face it, the people writing this material probably think that dad jokes are getting too cerebral these days. 0 for 1.

Tiffany’s GLOW Gossip: About the best one here is a stretch to get to “shake, rattle and roll” as a punchline. 0 for 2.

And now, the OPENING GLOW RAP!

Daisy (with Gremlina) v. Sunny the California Girl

OK, so the gimmick with Daisy is a bit labored and requiring some explanation, but thankfully the introductory rap sums up the backstory pretty well: Daisy is an apparently homeless woman who is physically larger than her “manager”, Gremlina, but she’s deeply in debt to Gremlina and so endures as the victim of an abusive relationship in order to pay off what she owes. So obviously she’s based on Moolah. And then the other chick is from California, but that’s a bit easier to grasp at least. I feel like the fact that I had to actually pause the show and type out the explanation of the Daisy character means that the target audience for this show wasn’t going to grasp it very well. And then we kick it up a notch as Sunny tells KNOCK KNOCK JOKES as her big highspot. Unsurprisingly, it’s not funny. Daisy attacks to start and apparently Gremlina wants to add Sunny to her stable of slave girls. Sunny gets a pair of hiptosses, but Daisy grabs a headlock and rams her into the turnbuckle and then gets what can only be described as a boot to the coochie to put her down. Shockingly, this only gets two. What was she even trying for there? So they both fight for a headlock in a battle like two Karens battling over the last customer service comment card, and tumble to the floor, where Sunny runs Daisy into the post. Then Gremlina takes a beating as well and both of them are counted out at 4:00. All that AND a screwjob finish too? My lucky day. 0 for 3.

Meanwhile, Dr. Grope started out studying plants but then turned over a new LEAF. Still better than RAW.

Mountain Fiji v. Beastie & Habana

Did they, like, not know how to spell “Havana”? Because yeah, she’s playing Castro, although the accent is pretty suspect. So this is a special no DQ, no referee match, so I’m not entirely counting out the possibility of a referee calling for a DQ at some point. Fiji gets tied up in a net, which was apparently the heels’ ENTIRE PLAN, but she escapes that super easily, barely an inconvenience, and hits Habana with an airplane spin. “For once a Cuban gets hijacked by an airplane!” notes the announcer. Dammit. OK, I’ll begrudgingly give him that one. So Fiji stomps on the other two and then stacks them up like she’s Roman Reigns at Wrestlemania and pins them at 2:00. Must be a samoan thing. I’ll give it a point for the airplane line. 1 for 4. And then Beastie and Habana get into a fight afterwards.

Godiva’s Bare Facts: Godiva jokes that although a caller might have accidentally called out another man’s name, she once called out an entire football team’s name. Well that’s nice. 1 for 5.

MTV’s Disco: Yeah that was pretty bad too. 1 for 6.

Dementia v. Roxy Astor

So Dementia is so crazy that the other girls have to do her introductory rap for her. And also she carries an axe to the ring. To be fair, this same gimmick is still around in a bunch of places today like Abadon and the various zombie girls in Impact, so maybe they were just ahead of the curve. So then, in another weird bit, the announcer actually has to read off a prepared statement in reference to what was apparently a complaint from a watchdog group who thought that Dementia was (perish the thought) “making light of the mentally ill”. So he basically apologies for the presentation that’s on the screen as we speak. But they STILL SHOW IT. Kind of undercuts the message somewhat. So yeah, Roxy stomps her down and works the leg while Big Bad Momma (who is of course the Voodoo Queen) joins us at ringside and yells at Roxy about her treatment of Dementia. So Momma throws what the announcer describes as “voodoo dust” at both women, at which point they SWITCH PERSONALITIES and Dementia parades around the ring and does her makeup while Roxy blows bubbles. So this allows Dementia (as Roxy) to gain control and flirt with the referee while Big Bad Momma desperately tries to mix up the antidote. So they clothesline each other and Roxy (as Dementia) goes for the axe, which is apparently allowed to just be at ringside, but Big Bad Momma compels them to drink the antidote and they switch personalities again, which is what passes for a highspot here I guess. So Roxy (as Roxy) makes the comeback and basically stands on her for the pin at 6:30. This was clearly the Omega-Okada of voodoo-compelled body switch matches and I don’t think it’s ever been topped or ever will be. 2 for 7.

Beasties’ Beanery: The customers heard it was “dirt cheap” to eat there, because she serves dirt. That’s it. That’s the joke. 2 for 8.

TEXAS TORNADO MATCH: Godiva & Hollywood v. Babe & Sally the Farmer’s Daughters

So everyone brawls and we get stereo monkey flips and inset promos just flying in all over the place throughout the match, as apparently doing raps over generic synth beats are an effective way to build heat. Godiva tries a slam on Babe, but Sally dropkicks them over and the Daughters get the pin at 3:07. Honestly most of the match was covered up by the stupid singing bits so you couldn’t actually see what was going on. That probably makes it the best thing on the show. 3 for 8.

Easy as KGB: Ninotchka again complains about Vladimir bugging her on the red phone with his erroneous reports of Friars roasting the mayor, as it seems that he misinterpreted the newspaper story and thought the mayor was literally being roasted alive. Oh, those wacky Russians.

GLOW Crown: Ninotchka v. Vicky Victory

Vicky is a cheerleader in case that wasn’t abundantly clear. They do some gymnastic stuff that is mostly just tumbling and doesn’t actually do any damage, and Vicky goes up with a flying bodypress for two and then grabs a headlock, but Ninotchka gets an atomic drop and a running snapmare to take over. Ninotchka boots her out of the ring, which is apparently the perfect time to cut in a rapping promo. Ninotchka suplexes her back in and gets an inverted cravat, which she turns into a neckbreaker and pins her at 3:34. Fairly impressive squash for the champion. 4 for 9.

Meanwhile, Hollywood warns us to stay away from drugs. Tell that to the people who booked the voodoo body switch angle.

Well I think I can say without fear of contradiction that out of the two episodes I’ve watched thus far, this was definitely the second one.