The SmarK Rant for USWA Challenge – 05.06.91

The SmarK Rant for USWA Challenge – 05.06.91

We’re REALLY getting to the end of the USWA run in Texas now.  The show cannot possibly be any worse than the last one I reviewed, but this is the last one on the Network either way.

Taped from Dallas TX

Your host is Michael St. John.

The Boogieman & Eric Embry v. Gorgeous Gary Young & Terry Garvin

Boogieman starts with Young and beats on him in the corner, still rocking the hockey mask and ninja look.  Embry comes in with straps already pulled down, although he’s getting a tad chunky at this point and should probably have kept them up.  Garvin (no relation to either the famous Garvins or the perverted Garvin) comes in and works the arm and he’s got a pretty good look at this point in his career.  Embry comes back on Young and slugs away on him, but it’s back to Terry Garvin, who is quite fired up and beats on Embry in the corner.  Young hauls in the Boogieman, but Embry pins Garvin in the corner at 3:29 with feet on the ropes.  This brings color commentator Bill Dundee into the ring to protest to the referee, and Boogieman chokes out Bill with the nunchuks.  Oh, that’s gotta be Jamie Dundee then.  Bill probably wanted to put him over.  Nothing much to this one.  0 for 1.

Private Terry Daniels v. El Grande Pistolero

Huh, Pistolero is actually the famous Gypsy Joe, notable for the beating he took from New Jack some years later.  They wander around the ring for an extended stall to start, with Pistolero grabbing the bell hammer and trying to hide it in the back of his tights, which works about as well as you’d expect.  Daniels, only a few years removed from his prime, is looking way older than his age would suggest here.  Daniels gets a dropkick, but Pistolero headbutts him to take over and steps on his throat.  But then Daniels gets a rollup out of nowhere and pins him at 3:30.  Daniels spent the rest of his career doing jobs when they switched to the Global Wrestling Federation shortly after and retired at the beginning of 1992.  0 for 2.

Tennessee Street Fight:  Jeff Jarrett & Robert Fuller v. Steve Austin & Dr. Tom Pritchard

This is a bunkhouse match and everyone is wearing jeans, although Jeff Jarrett looks about as uncomfortable wearing casual clothing as anyone I’ve seen in wrestling.  In fact I’m pretty sure he’s wearing wrestling tights that are styled like jeans.  If he patented those he could have been rich a few years later.  Or he could try to sell gold on his infomercials, whatever.  Fuller and JJ take turns beating on Dr. Tom with Jarrett’s boot and Jarrett works on Tom’s arm in the corner.  Over to Austin, who beats on Jarrett, but Fuller uses a weightlifting belt to take over and beats on Steve with that.  Austin and Pritchard work JJ over and clothesline him with the weight belt and Austin works on the arm, but Jarrett slugs back and the crowd is definitely into him, you have to give him that.  Jarrett makes a comeback and Dr. Tom cuts him off and pulls him to the apron for more beating with the belt, but Jarrett, Memphis OG, finds a chain in his jeans and chases Tom with that.  But then he seemingly trips on a chair.  So that’s less badass.  Back in the ring, Tom steals the chain and nails Jarrett, and I’m gonna need to see some blood.  So Tom takes off his boot and wallops Jarrett with that, and Austin chokes him out with his own boot, which upon further inspection appear to be running shoes.  What kind of a self-respecting Texan wears SNEAKERS to a street fight?  They’re gonna take away his hunting license for that one.  Pritchard hits the chinlock on Jarrett as this is quite the heat segment.  Jarrett fights out and they exchange fisticuffs, but now Austin comes in with a bearhug and works on that.  Jarrett fights out of that, so Austin runs him into the corner, and then charges and misses an elbow.  Back to Dr. Tom, but Jarrett gives him one last flurry and suplexes him, and it’s HOT TAG Fuller.  You wouldn’t think of Robert Fuller as a hot tag guy but he runs wild and beats on Pritchard in the corner before tossing him to the floor, and everyone brawls out there, leading to Jarrett ramming him into the post a few times.  Austin gets the briefcase from generic foreign manager Tojo Yamamoto and charges at Jarrett, but of course that misses and Dr. Tom takes it off the top of his head.  Back in, Jarrett and Fuller double-team Austin while Tom sells on the floor, and Jarrett nails Tom with the case again and then nails Austin with it in a pretty brutal shot, and that finishes at 15:00.  This was FUCKING GREAT.  ****1/4  and obviously 1 for 3.

Mascara de Fuego v. El Grande Coloso

“El Grande Coloso”?  Isn’t that kind of redundant?  The other guy is “Mask of Fire”, which at least makes sense.  Coloso dumps Fuego as these are the whitest Mexicans I’ve seen in a good long time.  Back in, Fuego does some sort of lucha moves, like a rana and some dropkicks, but Coloso blocks another rana with a powerbomb to finish at 2:40.  OK then.  1 for 4.

Chain match:  The Texas Hangmen v. Bill Dundee & Danny Davis

It’s another wacky gimmick match as there’s a four-way chain attaching all four men together.  The Hangmen are Tom Bennett and Mike Moran, who carved out a whole career for themselves as Generic Masked Heavies and then went to WCW and spent a few years as Disorderly Conduct, with the generic bad guy names Mean Mike and Tough Tom.  In fact they are so generic that they don’t even have names at this point, just going by Texas Hangman #1 and Texas Hangman #2.  Meanwhile Michael St. John tells us all about the matches that we couldn’t see because they were too violent for TV, and the upcoming matches that are also going to be too violent for TV.  I always love hearing about all the matches we can’t see!  Hope drawing 800 people to the Sportatorium is worth annoying your theoretically nationwide cable audience.  The Hangmen choke out the babyfaces with the chains, but the choking goes the other way as well.  Then the Hangmen bail to the floor and we get a tug of war and everyone heads to the floor for more choking.  Back in, Dundee backdrops a Hangman and gets two as we take a break.  Back with the Hangmen hitting them with double elbows as everyone is ridiculously constrained by these stupid chains, and again we hype next week’s main event, which by the way won’t be shown on TV.  Davis tries to unmask a Hangman, as I wonder if we’re gonna see Tough Tom or Mean Mike, but we never learn as he escapes that predicament.  More choking, which has comprised 90% of the match thus far.  Finally one Hangman hits the other one by mistake and Dundee goes up and splashes a Hangman and pins him at 10:48.  1 for 5.

Michael wraps it up by noting “That action was about as hot and heavy as we’ve ever seen it here on USWA Challenge!” which is not exactly a ringing endorsement.  However, the Jarrett/Austin tag match was indeed hot and heavy and makes this an episode worth watching by itself.  And that was pretty much it for this version of the USWA, as it was folded back into Memphis and became the GWF shortly after this.