The SmarK Rant for Lucha Underground S01E27 – “Ancient Medallions”

The SmarK Rant for Lucha Underground S01E27

“Ancient Medallions”

Good thing there’s no zombies to insult my intelligence on THIS show. Well, unless we count Mil Muertes, I guess. And maybe Konnan.

Last week: Alberto El Patron beats Johnny Mundo in a hell of a main event to earn a #1 contender match with Hernandez TONIGHT.

Meanwhile, Dario Cueto monologues to the mysterious cage about some mysterious ancient medallions that he’s recovered, which will make the holder more powerful than a god, and even offers to let the occupant of the cage come out and watch! Maybe.

Taped from the Aztec Temple

Your hosts are Matt Striker & Vampiro

Aerostar v. Jack Evans

Debut for Evans here, and you have to think he’ll fit in like peanut butter and chocolate here. Jack tries to use his gymnastics, but Aerostar dropkicks him in the middle of a somersault and showboats right back at him. He puts Evans on the top rope and ropewalks from one corner to the other, hitting a rana from the top for two. Evans flips to the apron, so Aerostar dropkicks him to the floor and follows with a flip dive. You know, one thing I really appreciate about this promotion is that they have GIANT puffy mats on the floor, so even though they’re taking crazy dives to the floor all the time, they have nice soft zones to land on. Back in, Jack declares that HE is lucha libre, which is a statement that has a few things wrong about it, and takes Aerostar down with an STF until he makes the ropes. Evans hits him with a series of knee strikes and a spinning kick to the head, and a corkscrew standing moonsault gets two. “Nobody likes you, Jack!” notes some guy in the front row. Well that’s pretty mean. Evans wastes more time and showboats some more, but Aerostar biels him to the floor and follows with a dive. Evans has a cool moment where he hides against the apron to evade the dive, and then he climbs the railing and hits Aerostar with a 450 on the floor. Back in, Jack goes up and misses a Phoenix splash, and Aerostar comes back and goes to the top, but very slowly. So Evans boots him down and tries a rana, but Aerostar blocks and hits a top rope Canadian Destroyer for the pin at 8:32. Hey, at least it was a finisher! There was a lot of crazy, crazy shit in this match, but nothing in between the craziness, so your mileage may vary here. ***1/2

Meanwhile, Big Ryck is counting his money, but Willie Mack plays the family card and wants a piece of the action. Ryck is all “We weren’t family when we lost the Trios titles, were we?” and declares that it’s all about the money with him.

Dario Cueto assembles 7 luchadors in the ring: The Mack, Sexy Star, Pentagon, King Cuerno, Brian Cage, Killshot and Fenix. And they’re going to be competing for one of the 7 medallions which will earn them IMMORTALITY. And people say wrestling has no stakes.

The Mack v. Sexy Star v. Pentagon v. King Cuerno v. Brian Cage v. Killshot v. Fenix

Fenix and Pentagon clear the ring with dropkicks right away and trade superkicks, and then Fenix launches off the top with a missile dropkick before Penta hits him with a sling blade for two. Tornado DDT gets two. Penta bails to the floor and Fenix takes him down with a headscissors off the apron, but Cage lays him out. Back in the ring, Killshot works with Cuerno this time as Vampiro points out that Cuerno is an elite hunter and Killshot has a literal bullseye on his head. Sexy Star comes in with a rana on Cuerno, and then runs away again while Killshot puts Cuerno down with a spinkick. She apparently “represents women worldwide” according to Vampiro. I feel like the women of the world would take issue with that. Mack comes in to help and gets laid out by Cage, and we get a stereo flying elbow spot from Cage and Cuerno before everyone else breaks it up. Sexy hits Cage with kicks while he rolls his eyes at her, but everyone fires off strikes and we get Killshot and Mack trading corner clotheslines on guys. But then they both get hung in the Tree of Woe and stomped by Fenix and Penta. We get some flying splashes and Sexy breaks up a pin and rolls up Cuerno for two, but Penta puts the boots to her to save and hits her with the Penta Driver for two. Mack slams Cage and hits him with a standing moonsault for two. Penta and Fenix trade kicks and end up on the floor, but Cage clotheslines them. Fenix tries a dive, but Cage catches him in a suplex position, and Killshot dives on them for a Rockerplex on the floor. Cuerno hits Killshot with his big dive, and then in the ring we get the wackiest spot ever with Penta hitting a Penta Driver on Fenix at the same time as he gives Sexy a Gory Bomb, but that only gets two, and Fenix finishes Penta with a reverse rana at 10:17 to win the first medallion. This was complete chaos and if that’s your thing, you got it in spades. I’m not even sure how to rate it. Seemed like ****.

Meanwhile, Dario sits down with the Trios champions, and lets them know that they have to defend against the Crew in a ladder match next week, even though Ivelisse has, you know, a broken leg. She’s not concerned and can still boss around the other two.

Meanwhile, Fenix is getting changed in the locker room, but Katrina reappears and lets him know that Mil Meurtes stole Fenix’s resurrection powers (because, you know, “phoenix”) and then vanishes again. Still better than the fucking zombies.

#1 contenders match: Alberto El Patron v. Hernandez

TAKE A DRINK as Vampiro buries Konnan again, calling him a “dictator”. Hernandez immediately dumps Alberto and runs him into the apron. Back in, he misses a charge and Alberto puts him down with clotheslines for two. He tries the superkick, but Hernandez spears him and pounds away on the mat. Backbreaker gets two. Alberto comes back with the superkick for two, slapping that thigh real good, and sets up the armbar, but Johnny Mundo pops out from under the ring and MURDERS his supposed friend Patron, beating the hell out of him and then tossing him through Dario’s office window like he’s Marty Jannetty! And then we get the amazing touch of Dario standing there with a grin on his face because he loves violence. Alberto is dead and bleeding all over, and Johnny throws him back in and Hernandez pins him to win the #1 contendership at 5:10. Now THAT’S a heel turn! Holy shit what a finish that was. So I guess Johnny was a little bitter about losing that friendly match to Patron last week.

It took a little while for the first season to full coalesce but GODDAMN it’s hitting on all cylinders now. What a great episode this was.