The SmarK Rant for USWA Challenge (Supercard?) – 04.01.91

The SmarK Rant for USWA Challenge – 04.01.91

Taped from the Sportatorium in Dallas, TX, and this has gotta be right at the end of the Texas version of USWA because I know it didn’t last long into 1991.

Your host is Michael St. John, who I don’t think I’ve ever heard of before. He is AWFUL.

Southern Heavyweight title: Dr. Tom Prichard v. Jeff Jarrett

This is a cage match, although I didn’t even know the Southern title was active in 1991. A quick check reveals that it was, although it was phased down and renamed to the USWA Heavyweight title (not to be confused with the USWA Unified World Heavyweight title) in 1993. Also the show was introduced as USWA Challenge at the start of the show, but now the announcer is referring to USWA Supercard, so I’m thinking they just took the same taping and sliced and diced a million ways for various syndicated versions. They trade shots to the cage and JJ gets two off that and then grabs a headlock off a missed elbow. They trade chops and Prichard keeps backing off, but Jarrett slugs him down out of the corner and gets a backdrop for two. Tom sends him into the cage to take over and rakes at the face before going to a facelock. And then we move to a surfboard as Tom yells at the fans to shut up, although ironically he is trying to incite them into doing the opposite. Little bit of wrestling secrets revealed there for you. Next time: The stunt granny! And Tom goes to a chinlock as we take a break. Back with Prichard still in control, but Jarrett fights back with a backslide and gets two. Dr. Tom chokes him out on the ropes and adds a suplex for two. Tom goes to an abdominal stretch while using the tights and the usually molten Texas crowd is pretty bored by this violent cage match. Who uses a damn abdominal stretch in a cage match? Jarrett gets a crucifix for two and they slug it out in the corner, but Prichard clotheslines him for two. So at this point the timekeeper calls the 10:00 mark, which is weird because my stopwatch is already at 11:30 and that’s not even counting the additional 2:00 of commercials we missed. You’re supposed to cook the numbers the OTHER way. They collide for a double down and Tom recovers first, but Jarrett reverses a suplex and makes the comeback. Jeff goes up with a missile dropkick, slipping off the ropes and nearly landing on his face in the process, but evil manager Tojo Yamamoto slips a chain into the ring and Jarrett steals it from Tom and stashes it in his tights. But they exchange rollups and Jarrett gets the pin and the title at 15:45. But then the ref checks Jarrett’s tights, finds the chain that Tom tried to use, and reverses the decision. But then we get another shocking twist as someone from the board of governors comes out and holds up the title. Hey, that’s great, a boring cage match ending with a reversed decision and a held up title. Just what you want to see on your dying promotion’s show. 0 for 1.

THUNDERDOME TORTURE CHAMBER MATCH, Texas heavyweight title: Eric Embry v. Bill Dundee

So this is a cage match, but with cuffs hanging from the cage, and if you should happen to be cuffed at any point then you have to stay cuffed for a whole minute and your opponent can have his way with you. Hey, I’m not here to kink-shame. Eric quickly manages to be cuffed by Dundee and Bill beats on him for the promised minute. But then Dundee gets cuffed and still manages to fight off Embry even with just one arm. So they slug it out again and Embry tries to run away out of the cage, but Dundee hauls him in and stomps away on him. The ref counts because, oh yeah, apparently you win by 10 count in this match. Sure, throw another stip on the pile, why not. Embry gets a piledriver and Dundee takes the count this time as this is such a weird mish-mash of ideas. Why would you want to cuff your opponent in a standing position if the object is to put your opponent down for a 10 count? If you just stay in the cuffs you literally can’t lose the match! Embry slugs away on Dundee and we take a break. Back with Embry cuffing Dundee again and choking him out this time and this stip is STUPID. Having one guy stand there for a minute at a time destroys whatever momentum the match is trying to build. Embry hits a piledriver, but Dundee fights up and makes the comeback and then cuffs Embry. So Dundee takes off his boot and beats on Eric with that for the minute, and then turns him around and cuffs him again. Bill hits him with running boots on the ropes. And then he cuffs Embry right away AGAIN and beats on him with the boot for the minute. And then we get a ref bump and Tojo actually throws a goddamn ether-soaked rag into the ring, which Embry uses to put Dundee out while the announcer does the fake “OH MY GOD IT’S ETHER I CAN’T BREATHE COUGH COUGH” nonsense and Embry wins via ETHER SOAKED RAG at 15:39. And then the same board member guy from earlier comes out and holds up THAT title as well. I literally could not make up a stupider pair of finishes on the same show if I tried. This booking would have to reach for the stars to make it to “half-assed”. 0 for 2. Maybe even -1 for 2.

Steve Austin, Steven Dane & The Boogie Man v. Gary Young, Danny Davis & Billy Joe Travis

The Boogie Man here is a random masked guy, not to be confused with The Boogeyman in WWE, or The Booty Man in WCW. He’s quite the blender of bad ideas, appearing to be some kind of ninja who is wearing a Jason hockey mask to disguise his identity. On the bright side, there’s no titles to be held up in this match. The babyfaces control Dane in their corner while the announcer talks about the annual “Texas Brawl” match, which is apparently a 14 man bunkhouse match where you have to lose by 10 count to be eliminated. Sadly, the match is unable to be aired on TV due to the “grotesque amount of violence” it promises. I bet TNT would show it. Maybe they should buy the rights. We take a break with literally nothing going on, as they’ve barely made contact with each other on either side and it’s all just stalling and gaga after 3:50. Back with Travis getting thrown out of the ring and slammed on the floor by Austin. Back in, Dane cuts off the ring and double-teams Travis along with Austin while the Boogie Man just stands on the apron literally doing nothing. Austin gets a sleeper and Travis has to fight out of that with a jawbreaker and the irony is the most painful thing about that. Gary Young gets the hot tag and if Gary Young is your hot tag you’re probably not watching much of a match. Finally the Boogie Man comes in with a flying kick and pins Gary Young at 10:34. The announcer describes this as “some kind of martial arts kick or chop” but you’d think those are drastically different moves. This wasn’t even enough to get the show out of the negative points. -1 for 3. There’s not actually any definitive answer as to who the Boogie Man here was, although best guess seems to be Jamie Dundee because he’s too skinny to be either of the Gilbert brothers.

Well there you go, history made with the first ever show so bad that it ended up in the negatives. Although I really enjoyed the January 91 episode that was posted, lightning did not strike twice here. It was absolutely time to put a bullet in the remains of Jerry Jarrett’s Texas road trip and let Steve Austin fulfil his destiny elsewhere.