The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2020 – 03.08.20

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2020 – 03.08.20

So help me god if this show is actually four hours like the schedule says.

Live from Philadelphia, PA

Your hosts are Michael Cole and blah blah blah.

Daniel Bryan v. Drew Gulak

Pretty surprised they didn’t open with the tag team Chamber match, actually. Gulak takes him down to start into a wristlock, but Bryan works a headlock and then reverses a headscissors into a half-crab. They exchange kicks from the mat in a nice little spot and both guys make it to the ropes to break. Bryan takes him down and works the leg, but Gulak reverses him into a surfboard on the mat. Bryan gets flustered and throws kicks, but Gulak grabs the leg to block and takes him down with a dragon screw. Gulak works the neck with a hangman into a spinning slam for two. They fight over a suplex and both hit the floor AS RAW ROLLS ON. Sorry, force of habit. Back in the ring, Gulak gets a back suplex for two. Bryan reverses into a cradle for two and comes back with a dragon suplex for two. Gulak gets his own suplex for two. The match has been technically good but they’re just working SO slowly between the big spots. Gulak with another suplex on Bryan’s neck, and that gets two as Bryan bails to regroup. Back in, Gulak gets two. Finally Bryan fires up with kicks in the corner, but they go up and Gulak brings him down with an inverted superplex into the Gu-Lock sleeper. Bryan rolls through into the Yes Lock, however, and he passes out at 14:22. Match was too slow and overly technical to be a good opener and no one buys Gulak as any kind of threat, but it was fine overall. ***

United States title: Andrade v. Humberto Carillo

How many shots at the US title is this guy going to get? Andrade fires off the Judas Effect back elbow at the bell and gets two, then misses a charge and Carillo clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, that gets two. I kind of like at the beginning of the match when Tom Philips robotically tells Lawler “You have to be impressed with the new aggression shown by Carillo!” and Lawler is like “Why?” and then Tom has nothing for him. Andrade necks him to take over and follows with a low dropkick and some tranquilo before going to an armbar. Carillo tries an armdrag but gets cut off by Andrade, who tosses him to the floor and decides to pull up the mats again. Oh, gosh, no, please, stop. He changes his mind and runs Carillo into the railing for the nine count tease spot (which we JUST saw in the opener!) and back to the armbar. Carillo backdrops him to the floor to escape and makes the comeback with a backbreaker. Springboard kick and he tries a backflip dealie, but Andrade runs him into the turnbuckles to counter. Carillo evades another Judas Effect and they head to the top, where Carillo brings him down with a rana for two. Carillo goes up again and misses a moonsault, allowing Andrade to hit him with the double knees for two. And of course we get the bug eyed disbelief sell instead of actually, you know, following up. So Zelina pulls up the mats outside and Andrade tries another DDT, but Carillo backdrops out and this time Vega does the bug eyed disbelief sell. Well at least that’s her job. Back in, Carillo with a bodypress, but Andrade rolls through for two. They trade rollups for two and Andrade grabs the tights for the cheap pin at 12:34 to retain. Solid TV level match, nothing more. ***

Elimination Chamber, Smackdown tag team titles: Miz & Morrison v. The Usos v. Heavy Machinery v. Robert Roode & Dolph Ziggler v. Lucha House Party v. The New Day

So we start with Usos v. New Day and they slug it out and trade bodypresses, with Kofi nearly blowing his. Usos put him on the top and chop him while M&M give advice from inside the pod, but no one can finish their move and the first period expires at 3:20. Luchas are next into the match and THEY screw up their big spot right away, missing stereo ranas. Dorado with a stunner on Jey and Metallik gets a splash for two. Jimmy saves and gets moonsaulted a bunch of times for his troubles, and that gets two. E throws them both to the apron and Kofi kind of dives onto them, but obviously there’s not a lot of room to work with here. Back in, Kofi tries a double-team move and misses, but Dorado gets throw into the cage by the Usos and scales the pod for a fight with Kofi. Both Luchas hit dives onto the other two teams and everyone is out as Miz & Morrison are in at 8:16. I’m pretty confused about what the intervals are actually supposed to be. The champs double-team Dorado and Morrison moonsaults him for two. They double-DDT an Uso for two and then hit a Miz flying double stomp for two. Morrison with some kind of helicopter slam on Dorado that goes badly but still gets two, but Metallik suddenly gets a rana off the top for two. This match is like nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing and then suddenly a big spot. And then after ONE spot the crowd chants “This is awesome”. OK then. Kofi makes a comeback but misses Trouble in Paradise on Miz, and Morrison kicks him down for two. Big E saves and the New Day hit a Doomsday Device knee on Miz for two. This brings Heavy Machinery in at 14:06. Seriously, are they just picking random numbers for the timing? Otis and Tuckie run wild on the Usos, who have been gone from the match for about the past 4 minutes, and then Tucker hits Metallik with a side slam for two. They double-team Big E with a sandwich splash to set up the Caterpillar for two, but then everyone randomly brawls into a pile and Dorado dives off the cage with a shooting star press onto everyone. But then Metallik gets pinned with the Compactor immediately after at 17:21 anyway. So way to go. This brings Roo-Dolph into the match at 17:50 and everyone gangs up on Otis, but he escapes and goes after Dolph, who runs up the pod to get away. Tucker follows him up there and throws him down, and then dives onto another random pile of people. I know people bitch about AEW and NXT and the dives, but THAT is the very definition of a meaningless dive, because it has no buildup and leads to nothing. Otis tries to get his revenge on Dolph, but Roode saves, and then Otis charges and somehow goes through both windows of the pod and lands on the floor. Bit of a design flaw there, no? So Tucker goes after Roode and Ziggler alone as though Otis wasn’t the one who put himself through the pod like a moron, and they finish him with the Glorious DDT at 23:42. Really, this feud is the only thing with any heat in the match, so why aren’t either of the teams the tag champions? And then New Day hits their finishes on them and the Usos do a double splash to eliminate Roode & Ziggler at 25:15. So this leaves the champs against New Day and Usos, and the challengers all agree to team up and beat the other two down. And then they all turn on each other as M&M disappear again. Kofi fights on top with Jey and suplexes him down, but misses a dive off the pod and gets pinned at 29:06 by the pin-stealing champs. So this leaves the Usos as they slug it out and double superkicks from the Usos get two. They go up with the double splash, but Miz gets his knees up and gets a rollup for two while Jimmy gets two from his splash. How would THAT work, exactly? Miz with the figure-four on Jimmy and Morrison adds Starship Pain for two, but Jey rolls him up for two and then superkicks him for two. But then a double-team rollup with feet on the ropes finishes at 32:59 and the heels retain. Match died once Heavy Machinery was out and never really had much in the way of momentum. **1/4 Maybe they’ll do another six-way match at Wrestlemania to keep recycling the same teams.

AJ Styles v. Aleister Black

AJ immediately tries to hide in the ropes, but the ref reminds him that it’s no-DQ. So he grabs a headlock and takes Black down, but Black kicks him down. AJ works the leg on the mat and goes to grab a kendo stick, but Black kicks it away from him and then goes out to set up a table on the floor. AJ grabs a chair and beats on him with that, however. Back in, they slug it out and AJ wedges the chair into the corner, and puts Black down with an enzuigiri. AJ works the leg on the mat, but Black fights back with the kicks to put him down again. But then AJ rolls into the calf crusher, but Black chokes him out with the kendo stick to break. Black beats on him with the stick for a bit, but AJ gets the Pele and they’re both out. They fight to the apron, but AJ springboards in with a forearm for two. Brainbuster gets two. AJ goes up and Black puts him down with a knee strike and makes the comeback with more kicks. Moonsault gets two. German suplex gets two as Philips points out that this would be a “resume building win” for Black if he can pull it off. That’s some high stakes! AJ fights back with an ushigoroshi as this drags on. Black escapes the Styles Clash, but AJ reverses him into a tombstone attempt, and Black rolls him up for two. Black kicks him into the chair in the corner and AJ bails to the floor and suckers Black into the German announce desk. But then Black boots him off it and then puts him through Chekhov’s Table with the double knees. Back in, Black goes to finish, so now finally Anderson and Gallows run in after watching for 20 minutes. So the OC triple-teams Black with a beatdown and a Magic Killer. But then Undertaker’s gong hits and he magically appears to save Black before chokeslamming Styles and disappearing. And then Black Mass finishes at 23:00. Hell of a way to make Styles look like a threat to the Undertaker there. This was crazily dull and ridiculously long and boring. *1/2

RAW World tag team titles: The Street Profits v. Seth Rollins & Murphy

We get some stalling from the heels to start and Dawkins overpowers Murphy before the Profits go to work on the arm in the corner. Ford gets caught in the heel corner and stomped down by Rollins, but comes back with armdrags on Seth and he’s having FUN, King! Over to Murphy for more armdrags and the champs clean house and stop to dance. Rollins suckers Dawkins into a clip of the knee and goes to work on him with a neckbreaker. They work the knee, but Dawkins fights over for a tag to Ford, who makes a sloppy comeback on Murphy. Standing moonsault gets two. Rollins takes the ref and the AOP takes out Ford on the floor, but this brings the Vikings out and they brawl to the back and disappear in 10 seconds flat. Back in the ring, Rollins goes to a chinlock on Ford and follows with a Falcon Arrow for two. And then Murphy goes to a chinlock as this match is decidedly not bringing the promised smoke. Maybe like some fake vapor from a Popeye candy cigarette or steam from your breath when you’re outside in the cold. Ford backdrops Murphy to the floor and makes the hot tag to Dawkins but the crowd has long since died. Bulldog on Rollins and they hit a double-team neckbreaker on him for two. Rollins cuts off Ford with a sling blade and Murphy comes in for double superkicks on both Profits, and that gets two on Dawkins. Murphy tries a Pedigree on Rollins, but gets catapulted into the corner. Ford goes up with a splash, but hits knees on Rollins and a rollup gets two. Rollins with the buckle bomb on Ford into Murphy’s kick, and that gets two. Rollins dives onto Dawkins, but gets caught and slammed on the floor, which leaves Murphy alone with the Profits. They put him on top for a double superplex, but Rollins saves for the Tower of Doom powerbomb and everyone is out. They’re clearly looking for the “this is awesome” chant there but the crowd isn’t biting. So then we get more interference, as Kevin Owens heads down through the crowd and throws popcorn at Rollins to distract him. This allows Dawkins to take him out from behind and they finish Murphy at 18:18 to retain. This is another one that just kept going way past whatever the peak was supposed to have been. **

Like can we PLEASE have something that doesn’t go 20 damn minutes with entrances tonight?

Intercontinental title: Braun Strowman v. Sami Zayn, Shinsuke Nakamura & Cesaro

Braun no-sells Nakamura to start and puts him down with a clothesline, but they lure him to the heel corner and go to work on the knee. Sami comes in like Bobby Heenan for a quick cheapshot and tags out to Nakamura again for Bad Vibrations. Back to Sami for some choking in the corner and Nakamura comes in with a sleeper, but Braun makes the comeback and throws Cesaro around. The heels all bail and Braun does the chase and knocks everyone over, while Sami hides under the ring. This allows the other two to send Braun into the stairs. Back in, the Kinshasa gets two and the crowd barely reacts. Cesaro tries the Neutralizer, but Braun powers out, so Sami interferes and they send Braun into the post for more heat. Sami comes in with the Heluva Kick and pins Braun to win the title at 8:25. What the fuck even was this whole thing? DUD So they made Braun look like a complete idiot by signing that one-sided contract and then beat him clean for the title? Could they possibly undermine the poor guy any more?

Elimination Chamber: Asuka v. Sarah Logan v. Liv Morgan v. Ruby Riott v. Natalya v. Shayna Baszler

So yeah, we start with Ruby v. Nattie as this show limps to a four hour finish. Nattie runs Ruby into the cage a few times and adds a suplex on the apron, doing trash talk that to be honest sounds like sex noises. YOU LIKE THAT, RUBY? I’M GONNA GIVE YOU SOME OF THAT! Um, clearly one of you likes it. Sharpshooter on the apron for some reason, but Ruby reverses out and chokes her out on the cage. Ruby would also like to know if Nattie likes it, but in a less sexually aggressive manner, thankfully. I mean, cool if that’s what they’re into, but there’s a time and place, ya know? More choking as the crowd pulls out the CM Punk chants already. PACE YOURSELVES! There’s still another half hour in this match to come yet. Sarah Logan is next at 4:00 and she beats up Nattie while yelling at Ruby for some reason. Is there an issue here? So Logan fights with Ruby on top of the pod, and Nattie brings Ruby down with a powerbomb on the apron. Why are they doing needlessly dangerous spots like that in this match that no one gives a shit about? Logan hits the other two with a dive as the camera clearly catches the ref checking on Nattie and getting the verbal thumbs up from her. They all recover and then do a Tower of Doom powerbomb in the corner for no reason, and Shayna is in at 7:20 as they’re already shortening the intervals. Shayna wipes everyone out and chokes out Logan at 7:51. Same deal for Ruby at 8:09. She smashes Nattie into the pod in various violent ways and chokes her out as well at 9:34. So we’re down to Asuka and Liv Morgan left in the pods and everyone has to stand around and wait for the pods to open. And we wait. And wait. And wait. So they just stand there pointing at the fucking sign for FIVE MINUTES and finally Liv is the next one in at 11:20. One guess how that goes for her. Shayna swings her headfirst into the pod 10 seconds after her entrance and then chokes her in the corner while Asuka yells obscenities in Japanese from the pod. So Liv passes out at 15:00. And now we play the waiting game again. And wait. And wait. This finally brings Asuka in at 17:30 with most of the match already being downtime. Asuka throws kicks, but Shayna gets her down knee strikes on her. Asuka gets the Asuka-Lock, but Shayna rolls out to the apron and runs Asuka into the cage to break. Back into the ring, Shayna tries for the clutch, but Asuka rolls out. So Shayna slams her and reapplies the choke at 20:58 for the win. And that’s the show. Well, it was different. You have it give it that. Somehow it exceeded the shitty low expectations we had for it and managed to be even worse by virtue of being 10:00 of people literally standing still. -*

WHY DID THIS SHOW NEED TO BE FOUR HOURS LONG?

Could have been a decent but unremarkable show if they hadn’t felt the need to STRETCH. EVERYTHING. OUT. This one started OK but they just killed off the crowd by the end, and it gets a solid AVOID IT with a foregone conclusion to end it and nothing you need to bother watching.