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The SmarK Rant for WWE Friday Night Smackdown – 03.06.20

By Scott Keith on March 6, 2020

The SmarK Rant for WWE Friday Night Smackdown – 03.06.20

Live from Buffalo, NY

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Wrestling Observer Newsletter WINNER for Worst Announcer of the Year, Corey Graves.

Alexa Bliss introduces the Hall of Fame inductees for this year, and brings out the grey haired nWo to milk the corpse of the Attitude Era one more time. We get the hard hitting questions like “What do we call you, Sean? 1-2-3 Kid? Syxx?” and then we get some advice from Kevin Nash on what Roman needs in order to beat Goldberg: Scott Hall and a cattle prod. This segment is DYING, and thankfully Sami Zayn and his crew interrupt to score some shots on Waltman (he’s an expert at carrying the Outsiders’ bags, you see) until a fight is imminent. But Sami doesn’t want a fight, and instead Braun Strowman comes out and beats up all three guys by himself until Sami hides behind Alexa and then runs away. I have no earthly idea how any of this was supposed to make me want to see the match on Sunday or build to anything. So the hook is that Strowman already beat Nakamura multiple times and now beats up the entire 3 man crew, but hasn’t quite sufficiently gotten his hands on Sami Zayn yet? That’s what I’m supposed to be paying to see? Do the people writing this show even watch wrestling?

Bayley & Sasha Banks v. Naomi & Lacey Evans

The heels quickly double-team Lacey in the corner, and Naomi gets taken out on the floor as we take a break. Back with Sasha working on Lacey’s leg as we get the weird glitch thing again, but Naomi gets a hot tag and hits both of them with a dive as she runs wild. Back in the ring for her “precision strikes” with the kicks that hit maybe 1 out of 10 times, and a sunset flip on Sasha gets two. Naomi comes back on Sasha and tries the moonsault, but Sasha hits the double knees to finish at 6:07. Some day this feud might lead to something, I guess. *1/4

Meanwhile, the New Day aren’t going to be reminiscing on the past, and Big E apparently has the stamina of a moose in mating season, so they’re good for hours tonight.

Meanwhile, Sasha and Bayley complain about the Bella Twins going to the Hall of Fame before them and they decide to take the night off.

Sheamus v. Apollo Crews

Shorty G offers his help before the match, but Apollo feels like he can go it alone. I mean, Gable is basically a jobber, so he’s got a point. Apollo necks Sheamus on the top rope to start and gets a standing moonsault for two, but Sheamus beats on him in the corner and hits the Brogue to finish at 1:04. What an epic. DUD

Meanwhile, Drew Gulak goes over Daniel Bryan’s weaknesses with Drake Maverick, but Bryan overhears and challenges him to a match on the PPV.

Carmella & Dana Brooke v. Mandy Rose & Sonya Deville

Dolph Ziggler is seconding the heels, which is about the proper level for his career trajectory at this point. Mandy and Sonya double-team Carmella to start and Sonya goes to a chinlock a minute into the match. Carmella fights out of that and dropkicks Sonya. Brooke comes in with a handspring elbow that misses and a dropkick that also misses, but Mandy get the blind tag and hits Dana from behind with a knee for the pin at 2:51. Horrible, and Brooke somehow keeps getting worse. -*

Firefly Fun House with Bray Wyatt, as Ramblin’ Rabbit reminds us of how things went badly for Bray last time he met John Cena at Wrestlemania.

Meanwhile, King Corbin is FINISHED with Roman Reigns, but he gets interrupted by Elias. Oh god, is THAT going to be a program? They’re seriously going to make people sit through a match between BARON CORBIN and ELIAS?!

Meanwhile, Otis tries to apologize for the bad date with Mandy, but much like OneRepublic, it’s too late to apologize…it’s too late.

Tag Team Gauntlet:

The New Day v. Heavy Machinery

So the winner of this prestigious gauntlet gets to enter the Elimination Chamber last. But how did they determine who enters THIS match last? Did we miss a Beat the Clock challenge on Main Event to determine order for tonight? I feel like they’re leaving money on the table here. We get the Big E v. Otis showdown right away and Cole is like “Oh man, they’re having fun entertaining the WWE Universe out there!” Not trying to win or whatever because that’s stupid. Machinery with the stereo suplexes on the New Day and they all take it to the floor as SMACKDOWN ROLLS ON. Back with Kofi getting a hot tag as we’ve missed basically the entire body of the match during the break, and Kofi runs wild on Tucker but misses the big kick. Heavy Machinery bails and Kofi dives onto them, but gets slammed by Tucker off that. Back in, the Trash Compactor finishes Big E at 7:25. Nothing to this one. **

Lucha House Party v. Heavy Machinery

The Luchas charge in and Dorado gets a bodypress on Otis for two, but Tucker overpowers him for two. Tucker works the armbar on Dorado, but misses a charge and Metallik springboards in for two. Otis comes in and no-sells their stuff, but the Luchas dump them and hit dives as SMACKDOWN ROLLS ON. Hot take: These matches are a tad formulaic. Back with Tucker working the leg on Dorado and he gets a corner splash, but misses a blind charge and Otis has to come in with a bearhug to take care of business for him. Dorado fights back with a stunner on Otis, who does some goofy selling, and Metallik gets a hot (?) tag and runs wild on Tucker with some gymnastics. And then he goes to a chinlock to really step up the punishment. Dorado comes in with a flying splash on Tucker for two, but Tucker comes back with a suplex and makes the tag to Otis as this meanders on and on until Otis finishes with the Caterpiller at 11:30. This just kept going. *1/2

The Usos v. Heavy Machinery

Clearly the Usos should not be operating Heavy Machinery given their DUI troubles. We join the match after the break with Jey working the arm on Tucker, and Jimmy comes in with kicks and superkicks Tucker, but he reverses for the pin at 1:14 aired.

Miz & Morrison v. Heavy Machinery

The champs quickly double-team Tucker with a springboard kick from Morrison for two, and Miz boots him down for two. Morrison drops an elbow as the announcers describe the agonizing grind of Heavy Machinery going TWENTY MINUTES into this match. They’re superhuman! Tucker fights off Morrison but Miz takes out Otis to cut off the tag. Miz with the running marshmallow knees in the corner to set up a flying elbow from Morrison that gets two. But Tucker gets another fluke cradle on Morrison and gets the pin at 3:45. Perhaps they can give the tag team champions a win at some point in their title reign? *

Robert Roode & Dolph Ziggler v. Heavy Machinery

We join things after the break with Miz & Morrison having laid out Otis, and Roode working a chinlock on Tucker. Dolph gets a dropkick for two and Roode follows with a neckbreaker for two. Dolph works a facelock on Tucker, but Otis finally revives on the floor while Dolph gets a neckbreaker on Tucker for two. But then it’s hot tag to Otis and he cleans house and makes the comeback on Roode, but Dolph gets a blind tag while Otis hits the Caterpillar on Roode. Superkick finishes Otis at 6:17 aired to end the show. *1/2

And we’re out, but don’t worry, because this Sunday we can watch these teams wrestle each other all over again in a different stipulation match!

Have I mentioned recently how wretched this show is? Who could possibly watch this and care about anything happening this weekend?

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