The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 11.19.99

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 11.19.99

Video gaming update: I got God of War for Father’s Day (very fitting!) and I had actually hit a point where you’re fighting a dragon and couldn’t get past it. So I gave it up for three months, and then picked it up again the other day, got the dragon on the first try, and now I’ve binged through until the end of the game and HOLY SHIT IS IT GREAT. I was having trouble getting entirely into it until the point when you have to go back home and find the thing you left there from before and then have a little talk with your son, at which point I was 100% all in again. It’s pretty great, hot news, I know.

Taped from Binghamton, NY

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “I’m a ratings generator and a lady penetrator” Gertner. Joel doing his arm-waving happy dance after his own introduction never fails to crack me up.

Rhino interrupts the in-ring intro and he accuses the Impact Players of being afraid of Tommy Dreamer, and uses lots of bleeped out words to make his point. Maybe that’s why he didn’t get elected when he was running for office a couple of years back. So tonight, he’ll face Dreamer & Raven and win the tag titles on his own. And then the camera follows him back into the dressing room, where Tammy Sytch intercepts him and offers to bring him to the janitor’s closet. That’s a pretty upscale sex location for Tammy at this point. Well, you know what they say, shoot for Mars and maybe you’ll reach the moon.

Super Crazy v. Jerry Lynn

Before the match, we get a promo from Da Baldies in the New York subway (the transit system, not the restaurant) challenging New Jack to a fight anywhere on the streets. OK then. Crazy and Lynn trade some stuff to start for the stalemate and Crazy gets a scary ugly powerbomb on Lynn where he looked like he was going for a slingshot move or something and lost it, nearly dropping Lynn onto the ropes. So they set up again and Lynn reverses to a rana and hits a german suplex for two. Lynn goes up and Crazy cuts him off, so Lynn hits a tornado DDT instead for two. And then it all goes to shit as Crazy hits his moonsault and then Steve Corino and Tajiri run in and take out the ref with green mist and then take out Crazy, as a second ref comes in and Lynn gets the pin at 5:15. This was the start of something good and then it was just the shitty Nitro finish. **1/2

Meanwhile, Da Baldies are still riding around New York challenging New Jack TONIGHT, IN THIS VERY SUBWAY. What are the odds this never goes anywhere? Pretty good, I imagine.

Ballz Mahoney & Axl Rotten v. Da Baldies (Skull & Newz)

Before the match, we get a backstage segment where Father James Mitchell debuts and heals Steve Corino, then pulls off his priest collar and quips “This gig is still better than managing Wrath and Mortis!” Yeah I bet he wasn’t complaining when he was cashing those cheques. So this match is the usual bullshit brawl and they quickly double-team Skull with chairs and pin him at 2:35. Oh, and he leaves ECW because this was apparently a loser-leaves-town match, which they added in post-production to explain Big Vito jumping to WCW. DUD

Meanwhile, Steve Corino runs into Tammy, Rhino and Chris Candido in the dressing room after their trip to the janitor’s closet, and they decide to make a deal. Hopefully it’s not involving Ahmed Johnson and a bag of coke.

Meanwhile, Da Baldies (the other two left) are still riding the subway, and they already bury Vito after he lost in the previous segment. And next week, they challenge New Jack to the subway fight they’ve been promising for the whole show. Why am I not surprised?

ECW World tag team titles: Raven & Tommy Dreamer v. Chris Candido & Rhino

This is a reasonably random pairing. Oh, and before the match we get ANOTHER backstage promo unrelated to the match, as Danny Doring and Roadkill introduce their new pair of boobs (their words) to replace Lita, which would later gain a name as Elektra. But not yet. Talk about trading down. Back to the match, as Dreamer and Candido trade enzuigiri attempts and we take a break. Nothing says “stay tuned!” like Tommy Dreamer doing chain wrestling! Back from the break and the champs actually double-team Candido with a suplex, much like the boys were probably double-teaming his girlfriend in the locker room in exchange for drugs.

…allegedly.

So everyone brawls on the floor and Francine randomly runs into the ring, I guess to get to safety, and the camera just flies all over the place and misses everything going on. Finally we get back to ringside at least and Candido slams Dreamer off the apron and hauls him back into the ring to take over. The Cookie Monster Rhino comes in with a spinebuster for two and stomps away. Actually, Carol Spinney just died so maybe I should retire that joke for a while. Rhino hits the GOAR for two and Candido comes in with a delayed suplex for two. They head up and Candido tries the top rope powerbomb, but Dreamer backdrops out of it, so Rhino powerbombs him down instead. Raven gets the hot tag, however, and finds a chair for some damage on Rhino and the DROP TOEHOLD OF DEATH for two. Tammy comes in and goes low on Tommy, which sets up the CATFIGHT, hopefully with better CGI than the movie. Francine wins that one with a DDT, and then Tommy DDTs Candido to retain at 10:10. Hey, this was all crazy action from start to finish and they were working their asses off, you have to give them that. ***1/2

So then Corino and Jack Victory come in for the beatdown afterwards, but WCW reject Hardcore Hak meanders down to make the save with his cane, and Raven attacks him. But then Sandman swings at Raven and hits Tommy by mistake, and the Impact Players come down and finish the beatdown to end the show.

This was entertaining in a car wreck sort of way, but this show continues to just be all over the damn place. But at least Raven can work matches again despite being tag team champions for the past two months straight.