The SmarK Rant for WWE Monday Night RAW–11.25.19

The SmarK Rant for WWE Monday Night RAW – 11.26.19

Sooooooooo, with Smackdown doing such crazy huge numbers for the blog, I decided to re-sub to Hulu and start recapping the 90 minute version of RAW again, since the Patreon fund is going to cover all my various online subscriptions. Three hours I can’t take, but 90 minutes? I should be able to handle that. And yeah, the show is edited to EXACTLY 90 minutes to the second. These guys are pros.

Now everyone can kindly shut the hell up about how “I review the PPVs but don’t follow the current product.” HERE YOU GO. THE CURRENT PRODUCT. This is what happens you pay me money and/or stimulate my ad revenue.

Live from Chicago, IL

Your hosts are Vic Joseph and Jerry Lawler

Seth Rollins joins us to start for a TOWN HALL. Oh man, I love town halls! So we get all the geeks surrounding the ring in support of the “locker room leader”, who takes a broadside at CM Punk for being too scared to be there because he’d rather be behind a desk in Los Angeles. SPICY. So Seth acknowledges that RAW sucked at Survivor Series and got their ass kicked by NXT, and now they need to plant their flag and make America great again. Time for more HOT TAKES from Seth: Randy Orton was the weak link at the PPV and Seth is just being REAL. So that doesn’t go over too well with him and he walks out. The next hot and spicy truth bomb goes to Charlotte, who wasn’t even the last person standing on her losing team. The Authors of Pain weren’t even there! And they suck too. But more than anyone, Rey Mysterio let everyone down, since Seth beat Brock Lesnar TWO TIMES this year and Rey couldn’t get the job done “with his lead pipe and stupid kid helping him out”. Seth is one hell of a motivational speaker. Finally everyone leaves except Kevin Owens, and Seth rants about how he loves and lives Monday Night RAW while Kevin is a lazy piece of crap who just shows up and doesn’t do anything. So Kevin stuns him to end the motivational speech, and presumably returns to NXT for good. I wonder if that whole thing was a rib on the whole “rah rah” speech controversy?

Meanwhile, Seth challenges KO TONIGHT, IN THIS VERY RING.

Bobby Lashley v. Titus O’Neil

Sadly, Hulu omits the ring introduction for Titus. Or maybe that was just the show. Earlier, Rusev is served with a restraining order on the way into the building, and he leaves quietly and meekly. Did he get served with a restraining order that prevents him from using his accent, too? And then we get 1:00 into the match and Rusev runs in from the crowd and attacks Lashley in his sweet tracksuit for the DQ. So they do a pretty decent brawl up the ramp and then the cops cuff Rusev and haul him off. But he gets one last shot in, managing to shoulderblock Lashley off the ramp while in the cuffs and then kicking a light stand on top of him before getting carried off to the hoosegow. See, now that’s a pretty good way to build a babyface.

Meanwhile, Charlotte addresses the criticisms of her not being “captain-like” at the PPV, but she just thinks Asuka is jealous. I feel like the green mist isn’t particularly effective on Charlotte because it would just bead off of the wax of her face.

US title: AJ Styles v. Humberto Carrillo

The Club attacks Carrillo before the match, but he fights them off until Gallows chokeslams him on the apron, which I might remind you is the HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and they follow with a Magic Killer on the stairs for good measure. So that’s it for Carrillo tonight, but Rick O’Shea comes out to help his friend and AJ mocks him for not being enough of a superhero to save Humberto. Sick burn, bro. So instead, we get an impromptu challenge from Rick, but Randy Orton interrupts and he would also like a title shot. AJ points out that he’s already beat Ricochet for the US title (“Several times” notes Karl) and he already beat Orton at Wrestlemania, so neither one deserve a shot. So this brings out Drew McIntyre, and he would also like in on this title opportunity. But AJ is sore from working out. So no go. And then Rey Mysterio comes out as the jibber-jabbering continues, but AJ declines because everyone in the ring is a bunch of entitled nobodies. Finally, Ricochet suggests a four-way match to determine a #1 contender and the winner faces AJ. The Club is unable to find any holes in that plan, so we’re on.

This was a pretty long talking segment that didn’t really say much or accomplish anything they couldn’t have done by just announcing the match in advance, but that’s not how they roll, of course.

Rey Mysterio v. Ricochet v. Drew McIntyre v. Randy Orton

Drew and Orton get tossed out by the superheroes, but Drew punks out Ricochet and Orton slides Rey to the floor and onto Ricochet for good measure. In the ring, the heels double-team Ricochet and Drew tosses him across the ring, then pounds away in the corner. Ricochet fights them off, but walks into the powerslam from Orton, and Rey makes the comeback from the outside and hits everyone with springboard bodyblocks. He fights to the top with Ricochet and gets knocked to the apron, which I don’t know if anyone has mentioned previously that it’s the HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and then we get a weirdly awkward pile-up in the corner with Drew in the Tree of Woe. This leads to Drew popping up with a situp for a sort-of Tower of Doom, and we take a break. Back with McIntyre chopping Orton down, but Ricochet comes back with a standing shooting star on McIntyre and a victory roll for two. Drew puts him down with a big boot and powerbombs him for two. Drew sets up the Claymore, but walks into an RKO for two before the Club saves and hauls him out of the ring. This leaves Rey alone with Ricochet and he tries a moonsault, but Ricochet catches him, so Rey reverses into a cradle for the pin at 8:40 aired. Kind of a nothing match with a dead crowd, to be honest. **1/2

US title: AJ Styles v. Rey Mysterio

AJ immediately works the back with a backbreaker and Rey bails to regroup, so AJ follows him out for some punishment. Back in, Rey fights back, but AJ hangs him in the Tree of Woe and stomps him down before a basement dropkick for two. AJ works a chinlock on him and drops him on the top rope, but Rey fights out and tries a springboard, which causes his leg to buckle. He tries again, but AJ catches him, so Rey escapes and sends him into the post. This sets up the 619, but Karl Anderson trips him up and the Good Brothers get sent to the back as we take a break. Back with AJ running Rey into the turnbuckles, and they fight to the top rope, but Rey sends him down for the seated senton and makes the comeback. Flying headscissors and Rey slugs away in the corner, then hits the bulldog for two. To the top, but AJ cuts him off, so Rey bites the fingers. AJ gives him an ushigoroshi for that stunt, but Rey fights back with a Code Red for two. Rey gets another headscissors into the 619, but the ref is bumped as a result and the OC runs in and beats Rey down. Orton makes the save as I’m somewhat confused because I thought he was a heel, but Rey and Orton team up on AJ for a 619 into an RKO, and the frog splash wins the US title at 16:06. Hopefully this reign goes better than the last one. The stuff before the break was pretty dead, but Rey’s comeback and win was super hot, so it ended up being a great match. ***3/4

Meanwhile, Kevin Owens does in fact accept the challenge of Seth Rollins. Thank god, because otherwise there would be no matches booked! I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before that it bugs me…

Charlotte v. Asuka

Charlotte attacks to start and runs Asuka into the railing, then boots Kairi Sane off the apron for good measure. Charlotte stomps her down in the corner while reminding her that “I broke your streak”. No, it was the horrible booking that did that. They awkwardly slug it out with forearms while the crowd is silent for all this. Charlotte goes after Kairi again and Asuka hits her from behind, with her behind, for two. Asuka throws kicks, but Charlotte catches one and boots her down for two. And Charlotte takes out Kairi on the floor as we take a break and RAW ROLLS ON. Back with momentum being built and separation created, as Charlotte gets a senton for two. Vic: “What does it say about these women who competed last night, are also competing here tonight?” I dunno, that they’re wrestlers like everyone else who is also competing tonight after competing last night? It’s really sad because Vic Joseph was a totally cromulent announcer before he got to this show and now he’s just parroting the same shit Michael Cole says from the brain of Vince. Charlotte with a suplex and she tries to work the leg, but Asuka dodges out of the way and gets two after…something? Like a DDT to counter the spear? I’m honestly not sure what they were going for there, but apparently it benefitted Asuka. Asuka goes up and misses whatever, and Charlotte tries Natural Selection, but Asuka counters her with a triangle. Charlotte reverses to a Liontamer, but Asuka makes the ropes, so Charlotte hits a spear for two. Kairi Sane reappears and provides distraction, so Charlotte runs her into the post, and Asuka blows the green mist and gets the pin at 14:58. The replay is TREMENDOUS, as we get to see Charlotte pulling her back in a ponytail before the finish so that she takes it full in the face and doesn’t get any in her hair.

Cough.

Anyway, the crowd was super dead for this and it was a pretty dull match because I don’t know who the fuck I’m supposed to be cheering for or why. **

Meanwhile, AJ is reduced to only two words: RANDY ORTON.

Meanwhile, Lana joins Charly and thinks that Rusev should be sent back to Bulgaria. WHAT HAPPENED TO HER ACCENT? Wasn’t she still Russian a couple of months ago? Is it like when Ross was phasing out his fake British accent and suddenly just dropped it mid-paragraph?

Seth Rollins v. Kevin Owens

Owens attacks to start and blocks Seth’s dive with a forearm, then throws chops in the corner and follows with a missile dropkick and a senton for two. Seth runs him into the turnbuckle while the crowd chants for CM Punk again, apparently big fans of WWE Backstage, and he hits a sling blade while the announcers question Owens’ “loyalty to Team Red”. WHY SHOULD HE HAVE LOYALTY TO THE SHOW? I don’t even understand what the motivation is supposed to be. Everyone is fighting each other anyway! It’s one thing if a deluded quasi-heel douche like Rollins is saying it in character, but what are the announcers talking about? Owens chases Seth to the floor, and he throws a tantrum and grabs a chair as we take a break. Back with Seth holding a chinlock as we apparently are joining this in mid-sentence from Jerry Lawler, and Rollins stomps away until Kevin fights back with a chop. So Rollins gets his own, and Owens hits him with a DDT and goes up with a frog splash for two. Seth comes back with his usual suplex and falcon arrow combination, but misses the stomp and then rolls up KO for two. Pop-up powerbomb gets two for Owens. Rollins hits his superkicks, but walks into the stunner, and both guys are down. So this brings out the AOP, who are now dressed in suits, and they attack Owens for the DQ at 13:10 and then run him into the post repeatedly and lay him out. And then they go after Seth, but then change their minds and walk away instead. And then Seth finishes Owens off with a curb stomp for good measure and we’re out with HEAT. Because they love their HEAT.

Ironically, there sure wasn’t much HEAT from the crowd here, but this was the fourth show in a row so it’s understandable from that perspective. Still, a mostly boring show but totally watchable within the confines of the 90 minute edit.