The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling–03.02.87

The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling – 03.02.87

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Wrestlemania III is coming up at the end of the month, and people are pretty excited about it. So this week, I think we will take a trip to the Andre training camp with Gorilla and I’m pretty sure this is gonna be awesome.

Sika the Wild Samoan v. Moondog Spot

The FUCK is this? We’re in Toronto for this one and this is about as random as you’re gonna get. Sika with a slam for two and he goes to a standing facelock and just stands there holding that for a while. And then we move to a neck vice as Gorilla questions where The Wizard, Sika’s manager at that point, has disappeared to. I believe they transitioned over to Fuj the Stooge around this time, in fact. Sika throws some kicks in the corner and goes back to the facelock and he just fucking stands there holding it and doing nothing. Sika gets a couple of forearms and then goes back to the facelock as this match has gotta be a rib from someone on someone else. Spot escapes this flurry of offense and makes an unlikely babyface comeback, drawing cheers by virtue of DOING FUCKING ANYTHING, but Sika won’t sell any of it and he casually hits the samoan drop to finish this disaster at 7:20. I know it’s not kosher to call terrible matches “abortions” these days, but if anything would quality, it’s this. -**

Back at the studio, Gorilla wants to talk about the Andre “den of inequity”, which Bobby corrects him to “training camp” with perfect timing. Gorilla is still pretty sure this is gonna backfire on Bobby when all is said and done.

Ron Bass v. SD Jones

More excitement from Toronto! How is it fair that Special Delivery got an LJN figure and Ron Bass never did? Even Outback Jack had one! I owned it! I never did get an SD Jones figure, though. I had my limits. Bass stalls for a while and SD delivers a special crossbody for two. Bass misses an elbow and SD works the arm, but Bass hides in the ropes to break. This prompts Bobby to go off on his rant about how quarterbacks in football go out of bounds and everyone calls it brilliant, and Gorilla casually shoots him down with “Different sport.” Finally Bass tosses Jones to end his offensive output and runs him into the post. Back in, Ron drops knees as Gorilla & Bobby just totally ignore the match and talk about the Danny Davis angle instead. Probably the wise course of action. SD makes the comeback with punches and the headbutt, but Bass finishes him off with the back elbow at 5:55. Tremendous! Assuming you’re suffering from insomnia and need something to put you out. ½* I will give them this: It was better than the opener.

Meanwhile, we go to the official contract signing between Hogan and Andre, as the officials are all chattering and Hogan and Andre just sit there staring daggers at each other across the table. But before Andre signs, Bobby demands a NEW championship belt, which will fit Andre, and finally Hogan snaps and yells at them to sign the damn contract. And then does a coked-up promo on Bobby and Andre, calling them both SICK and sounding like he’s about to have a stroke. Meanwhile, Andre just calmly smirks at him and TALKS FRENCH until Hogan can take no more of this shit, declaring the contract SIGNED IN BLOOD. Andre just brushes him off and walks away.

Dammit now I’m gonna have to review that show again, aren’t I?

BREAKING WRESTLEMANIA NEWS: Jake Roberts v. Honky Tonk Man, with Alice Cooper in Jake’s corner, has been added to the show, along with Sheik & Volkoff v. Killer Bees and other matches! Of note, sort of, all talk about special guests in the Can-Am match and in Hulk’s corner have been dropped.

Corporal Kirchner v. Johnny K-9

Apparently K-9 is substituting for Butch Reed here as we continue this all-star Toronto show, as Slick is managing K-9. Although I don’t think Slick would particularly want to be associated with Johnny given what a piece of human excrement he turned out to be. Kirchner was no prize pig himself but at least he never killed anyone. That we know of. Wasn’t he already fired for drugs by this point? I didn’t even think he made it into 1987, to be honest. K-9 literally stalls for the first 3:00 and runs away. Finally Corporal takes over with some hiptosses and a powerslam, and K-9 runs away again. K-9 was taking clumsy bumps all over the ring, taking a hiptoss bump into the ropes and snapping his legs on the bottom rope, and then doing a crowd taunt on the ropes and then slipping and nearly falling on his ass. Astonishingly, we take a break from this hot, hot action and return with a test of strength. And K-9 runs away. Back in, more stalling, but Kirchner gets an atomic drop and splits the legs, then pounds on him in the corner before missing a charge and landing on the floor. Buddy, I’ve watched a lot of Sgt. Slaughter matches, and you are no Sgt. Slaughter. You’re barely even Private Jim Nelson. Back in, K-9 takes over with a backbreaker for two and gets a pretty stiff clothesline on Kirchner, but goes up and misses a headbutt. And thankfully Kirchner makes the comeback and drops elbows on him, then finishes with a samoan drop at 11:14. *, because at least Kirchner brought a Canadian flag with him for the match.

Adrian Adonis & The Dream Team v. The Can-Am Connection & Leaping Lanny Poffo

From Superstars, and this match ended up being pretty famous. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA right away and the babyfaces clean house before Beefcake starts with Martel and Rick gets a backslide for two. The Can-Ams double-team the Hammer and Zenk tries a rollup, but Valentine blocks it and the misses an elbow. Zenk charges and gets clotheslined, as I feel like Tito Santana replacing Zenk was a wasted opportunity. It could have been Valentine, and together they’d be the Can Ham Connection! Anyway, Martel gets caught in the heel corner and the Dream Team beat on him, but a confused Adonis grabs his scissors and accidentally cuts BEEFCAKE’S hair, and Martel gets a rollup for the pin at 3:34. Beefcake is very, very upset at his hair getting cut, and astonishingly this changed the entire course of his career and resulted in a brilliant double payoff at Wrestlemania. Match was nothing. *1/2

Yeah, I’m watching that show again, aren’t I? But does the world REALLY need another redo of Wrestlemania III?

Gorilla would like to remind us that Wrestlemania will be available on closed circuit and on that new fangled pay-per-view thingie.

King Kong Bundy v. Billy Jack Haynes

From Superstars again, and thank god we’re done with Toronto for the week. I think. In the studio segment before this, Bobby notes that Billy Jack has a temper, but only when he looks in the mirror and thinks about how much he paid for his stupid hat. As always, Gorilla is trying hard not to crack up on camera. Bundy quickly puts Haynes down with a clothesline as we get an inset promo with Hillbilly and midgets, and Jim promises that Bundy won’t squash any midgets. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, big guy. Bundy puts Billy Jack down with slams, but misses the Avalanche and Haynes gets the full nelson, at which point Bobby runs in for the DQ at 1:49. Well we knew that’s the finish before the match even started. Hercules comes in for a double-team beatdown and no one saves, because Billy Jack is a paranoid nutcase and no one likes him. Truth hurts. #justsayin ½*

Pedro Morales v. Paul Orndorff

GODDAMMIT we’re back to this shitty Toronto show. I knew I spoke too soon. I still love the gag of Orndorff stealing Hogan’s music and I’m surprised they never used that bit for anyone else. Orndorff stalls for a bit, but tosses Pedro to the apron and stomps him down to the broadcast table. Back in, Paul chokes him out and goes up, but Pedro catches him coming down and makes the comeback with headbutts before running him into an assortment of turnbuckles. Crossbody, but Paul rolls through for the pin with the ropes and maybe the tights at 4:32. You could definitely watch this and say it was without a doubt a professional wrestling match. **

NON-TITLE MATCH: The Hart Foundation v. The Killer Bees

Yup, one last trip to Toronto and OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE BEES WEARING? They appear to be wearing black panty hose under their regular trunks, plus RUNNING SHOES. Are they performing a ballet at a local high school gymnasium after this show? Did they forget to shave their legs? How can I be expected to pay attention to this match while this fashion atrocity is happening before our very eyes? And we don’t even have Bobby Heenan on commentary for this match to make fun of it! The Bees double-team Neidhart in their corner while Jimmy Hart rightly complains to Gorilla about the cheating going on against his men. Thankfully Bret uses some good legal choking in the corner to take over on Blair, and we take a break. Back with Blair getting a sunset flip on Anvil for two, but Bret makes the save and takes over with an atomic drop. Anvil tosses Blair to the ramp and Bret gets some cheapshots out there and then hits the knee from the apron to cut off a Blair comeback. He goes to work on the back in the ring and Anvil goes to the rear chinlock, but Brunzell stupidly comes in to break it up and the ref escorts him out, allowing Bret to switch in. Gorilla is appalled at the low quality of refereeing on display here. I’m appalled by the fucking shoes. It’s like someone saw the Vancouver Canucks 1982 flying V jerseys and decided to make a wrestling outfit based on it. The Harts toss the Bees, but they put on the masks and do the switcheroo, allowing Brunzell to make the comeback. How can Gorilla bitch about the miscarriage of justice when the Harts won the titles and then put up with this mask bullshit? Masks have no place in wrestling. The NWA never allowed any masked wrestlers to get the belt! Dropkick gets two on Bret. Bret goes for the mask, but Blair comes in with a sunset flip and gets the pin at 7:40. This was fine. But the Bees are cheaters and their gear is ugly. **1/2

And we return to the studio to wrap it up, and I guess we’re not getting the trip to the training camp this week? COME ON! I put up with this whole shitty show hoping to see Gorilla having wacky adventures at Andre’s training camp, and it’s cruelly ripped away from me. Maybe next time.