The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling–02.23.87

The SmarK Rant for WWF Primetime Wrestling – 02.23.87

Your hosts are Bobby Heenan & Gorilla Monsoon. Had Gorilla known a year before that Bobby would be involved in the career of Andre the Giant, he would have called Bobby a LIAR.

Kamala v. George Steele

Off to Toronto with an early version of Kamala in this run, as Kamala is managed by “The Wizard”, aka King Curtis Iaukea. I always forget about that. Here’s a shock: We get a lengthy stall to start as they stand back and make faces at each other for what feels like 10 minutes. Finally Steele stomps on Kamala’s foot after 3:00 to gain the first offensive maneuver, but neither man achieves any kind of significant followup to that. Finally George goes after Kim Chee for whatever reason, and Kamala hits George from behind and finishes with the big fat flying splash at 4:23. And that was seriously the entire match. -***

Back at the studio, Bobby thinks that Steamboat’s strategy is to have that illiterate moron Steele in his corner because he knows that he can’t beat Savage by himself. Also, Aretha Franklin has been chosen to sing the national anthem, but Bobby would have voted for Volkoff.

Jose Luis Rivera v. Terry Gibbs

Still in Toronto and who the FUCK decided to air this match on national TV? Gibbs hides in the ropes a bunch, but attacks Rivera from behind and falls victim to a deadly headlock as a result. Rivera with an atomic drop into the corner and he goes back to that headlock while Johnny V discusses his new team on commentary, who are apparently called “Demolition”. Gibbs takes over with a backbreaker for two and slams him on the floor. Back in, Gibbs slugs away and Gorilla is like “The crowd is hushed with anticipation”. Yeah. Hushed with anticipation, that’s the ticket. Rivera with a slam for two and a backslide for two, and he finishes with an O’Connor roll out of the corner for the pin at 8:06. This was every nothing house show opener you’ve ever seen in your life. *1/2

Back in the studio, Bobby denies that he’s actually managing the midgets at Wrestlemania, and in fact they’re just pets, like Koko’s parrot. He suggests that the first 8 rows in the arena wear raincoats to shield against splatter when Bundy drops the elbow on the midgets.

Meanwhile, Jake Roberts interviews Honky Tonk Man in the Snake Pit, and he thinks that it’s a pretty stupid name. Honky claims to have been “born on a pool table in Memphis” and offers to sing his song “That’s All Right Honky Tonk Mama”. Elvis stole it from him, you see. Honky gets some amazing heat just standing there with that gimmick. Jake has finally enough and chases them off with the snake, but Honky loops around behind the set and DESTROYS Jake with the guitar to set up their feud. Unfortunately, the guitar was famously not gimmicked properly, and Jake suffered neck injury as a result and began his painkiller addiction. Frankly Jake was being a dick there, but that’s probably because he hadn’t officially turned babyface yet at that point.

WRESTLEMANIA III REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!

Apparently if you can’t join us in Detroit, the show will be available on “pay per view”, whatever that is. Gene runs down the card, including “a special guest in the corner of the Can Am Connection”. Wait, what was THAT supposed to be setting up? Amazingly, the card is set in stone with a month to go, and Gene just flies through it and damn if it doesn’t make you want to watch this show for the millionth time. Also, Gene promises a special guest in the corner of Hulk Hogan as well. All the wrestlers give their predictions, with the heels picking Andre and the babyfaces picking Hogan. Although the Can-Ams are split, with Martel picking Hogan and Zenk picking Andre. I guess we should have known it wasn’t going to last with them.

Billy Jack Haynes v. King Harley Race

I feel like this popped up somewhere else and I’ve reviewed it already, but I can’t recall where and when. A Coliseum Video maybe? This is a dark match from Superstars, with Jesse Ventura and Bruno alone on commentary. Race attacks to start and gets backdropped as a result, but Haynes doesn’t have any followup. Billy Jack tries a headlock and Race hits him with a high knee, but Haynes dodges a headbutt and goes to a headlock. Bobby immediately accuses him of pulling the hair, and Jesse takes him at his word and demands justice. Billy Jack grinds the headlock while the announcers reminisce about cauliflower ears, but Race comes back with a neckbreaker to take over. Race drops the knee for two and we take a break. Back with Gorilla mocking Bobby for buying Race a crown that doesn’t fit. SAVAGE. Race headbutts Haynes to the floor and stomps him from the apron, then sends him into the post back-first. Jesse would like to clarify that he doesn’t hate Dick Woerhle because he’s biased, but rather he’s just incompetent because he’s lazy. Race tries a piledriver outside and Haynes backdrops him to escape and hauls him back into the ring. Haynes wins a slugfest in the corner, but the back is still hurt and Race goes right after it again. Haynes flings Race into the corner and Harley takes a crazy bump flying over the top, allowing Billy Jack to make the comeback. Race puts him down with a cheapshot out of the corner and goes up, but Haynes slams him off and adds a press slam. This sets up the full nelson, but Bobby runs in for the DQ at 10:23. And Race puts on his sad little crown with the elastic chin strap and leaves. This was a really good match, with Race bumping all over. *** Jesse points out that it’s better to be disqualified than to lose, which is “a good lesson for all you kids out there.”

Back at the studio, Bobby is on the phone with Miss Betty setting up a date. Gorilla is disgusted as usual.

MIDGET ACTION! Cowboy Lang v. Lord Littlebrook

Not sure if anyone follows Playstation Access on YouTube, but Littlebrook reminds me of Rob. Perhaps Littlebrook is also obsessed with Metal Gear Solid and FIFA games. Anyway, we get the usual midget spots and Littlebrook goes to a chinlock, but Lang turns it into a hammerlock. Littlebrook runs him into the middle turnbuckle to break, so Lang gets all fired up and returns the favor, then hooks him up in the corner as we take a break. BREAKING NEWS: Bobby announces that Lord Littlebrook is the illegitimate child of Lord Alfred Hayes. Back with Lang continuing to beat on Littlebrook in the corner, but the Lord takes him down with a top wristlock and bites the hand while lying about it. So Lang bites his ass and then goes after the referee as well. That’s a pretty clear case for DQ. If you can’t adhere to the rules in a midget match, what are we even doing here? Littlebrook boots him down, but Lang backdrops him and then does the rolling cradle for the pin at 11:00. This was actually more of a standard wrestling match than your usual midget match and it was totally fine. I still don’t rate midget matches, though. I’ve gotta have some principals.

Back at the studio, Bobby also speculates that Little Beaver is a relative of Chief Jay Strongbow. Gorilla then feeds Bobby the straight line by asking him about Bob Uecker’s career, and Bobby notes that he was directly responsible for his team winning the pennant in 1967. Gorilla: “Oh really, I didn’t know that?” Bobby: “Yeah, he had hepatitis for the last month of the season and couldn’t play.”

Blackjack Mulligan v. Jimmy Jack Funk

This is reappropriated from Saturday Night’s Main Event, featuring one of the rare appearances of Chick Referee. Funk rightly complains about Mulligan’s spurs, but Mulligan chases him out of the ring while we get an inset promo with Blackjack where he basically does a Dusty Rhodes promo while Ventura scoffs over top of him. Back with Mulligan hitting a back elbow for the pin at 2:30. That babyface run in 87 was pointless and thankfully didn’t go anywhere anyway. DUD

Meanwhile, Mean Gene interviews Roddy Piper in the empty arena, as Roddy officially announces his retirement after the Adonis match. Even by wrestling standards that one didn’t stick very long. He does give the great line “May you have an hour in heaven before the devil knows you’re gone.”

The Islanders v. Unnamed Geeks

This is from Wrestling Challenge as Gorilla calls Tama “a youngster” about a billion times and the Islanders double-team a guy who seems to be named Navarro. Over to the other pasty jobber, who gets nowhere on Haku, and Haku gives them both dropkicks and powerslams Navarro, setting up Tama’s flying splash at 2:30. Kind of weird that they were doing the same act as when they were King Tonga and the Tonga Kid and then just got rebooted with different names one week.

Back at the studio, Bobby is horrified by an intern bringing him a cheese sandwich and a pickle for his lunch order while Gorilla cracks up.

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy

Huh, this is a rarity for what’s usually a jobber-riffic show. This is from Boston and Hogan has the 85 belt so this has gotta be pretty old. Get this: Originally taped October of 1985, in fact. Really? A year and a half?! I mean these days you wouldn’t even notice because it feels like we’ve watched Miz v. Dolph Ziggler every week since 2014 as it is, but back then people paid attention to this stuff. Bundy attacks to start and hauls him out to the floor for some abuse, but Hulk comes back and dodges a charge, then drops elbows on him and adds a big boot and corner clothesline. He tries the slam and Bundy escapes that with his fatness, then drops an elbow for two. Bundy with the chinlock, but Hulk fights out and then runs into an elbow. This sets up the Avalanche and big splash for two, but Hulk makes the comeback and slams him for the pin at 6:23. *1/2

Back at the studio, Bobby gives Gorilla a ticket to come watch Andre train for the Wrestlemania main event, as his guest.

Some pretty good stuff this week, including the famous Snake-Honky angle, but randomly pulling up a year old Hogan match for the main event is a puzzler.