The SmarK Rant for The Best of ECW Volume 2–ECW’s Bloodiest Matches!

The SmarK Rant for the Best of ECW Volume 2 – 10.24.92

Yes, more low rent early ECW from 1992, as apparently the first volume of the tape sold so well that the public DEMANDED a second one. More Surfer Sandman, they said! More Tommy Cairo! Perhaps less Glen Osbourne, but more spikes on his gear!

Strap in for…

VHS tracking errors are EXTREME!

Taped from Philly, in what appears to be a slightly bigger sports bar than we had on Volume 1. The Chestnut Cabaret according to the commentary. They’re moving on up to a CABARET now!

Your hosts are Bob Smith & Stately Wayne Manor

Tony Stetson v. Johnny Hot Body

I’m so gratified that we immediately get our fix of both Johnny Hot Body AND Tony Stetson. So just like our last appearance of Hot Body in Volume 1, we start with an extended stall while he converses with everyone at ringside for 2 minutes, and finally get contact at 3:00 with a shoving match. This is already a barnburner compared to the Snuka match. Hot Body works a headlock to start and gets a hiptoss, but Stetson takes him down with a toehold and drops an elbow. But then he goes to yell at Don E. Allen and Hot Body gets a cheapshot to take over. Hot Body hits him with the bell (“That one really took its toll” notes Manor) and Stetson is already gashed open, although to be fair the match is 6:00 in because most of it was stalling. They fight behind the bar, which isn’t an ideal angle for a single camera shoot but at least if I don’t have to watch the match I can use my imagination and pretend it’s good. Back to ringside as Hot Body drops a Cactus elbow off the apron and Stately Wayne goes on a run about the ancestry of Johnny Hot Body and how Grandpa Hot Body was killed before his time. Not gonna lie, I was looking for a way to work something like that into the first volume so obviously Manor is a man who shares my sense of humor. Back in the ring after ten minutes of nothing and Stetson comes back with a neckbreaker and follows with a top rope legdrop. Back to the floor and Stetson gets a chairshot and they head back to the bar again for more walking. “You don’t see action like this in those other namby-pamby groups!” notes Manor. I’m pretty sure calling someone “namby-pamby” negates the burn. Back into the ring again and Stetson gets a sort of sling blade and goes up, but Allen trips him up and Hot Body brings him down with a superplex for two, nearly hitting the ceiling on the way down. He charges and hits the post and they brawl outside again, at which point the referee disqualifies both guys at 15:47. Hot start to a hot tape. *1/2

The Kodiak Bear & Canadian Wolfman v. The Hellriders

The Riders are a couple of generic biker gimmick guys named, no lie, EZ Rider and HD Rider. They weren’t around the business for very long, shockingly. Everyone brawls out of the ring immediately while Hot Body and Stetson return from the previous match to continue their brawl. Finally we get into the match on hand and one of the bikers takes over on the Bear and they pound on him in the corner. This is like backyard wrestling-level stuff, total amateur hour. At least the Wolfman was around since the 60s so he’s hopefully good enough to carry this a bit. He comes in and hits EZ with a clothesline for two, or maybe it’s HD, whatever. The Bear hits HD with a foreign object and pins him at 7:35 and I guess they were the heels all this time? “What a mess of a match this was!” declares Bob Smith. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. -**

Russian Chain Match: Ivan Koloff v. Ironman Tommy Cairo

Finally some Tommy Cairo! Also, I don’t know what fan they got this tape from, but I wish it would have been dubbed in SP instead of EP because this thing is falling apart before our eyes. Koloff beats on Cairo with the chain to start, which the announcers note is “old and rusty” on purpose because that way it inflicts more pain. That’s…a pretty good explanation, actually. Koloff gets some cheapshots to the throat, but Cairo chokes him down with the chain and hits a belly to belly, then quickly drags him to three turnbuckles, but Ivan kicks him off and tosses him. Manor notes that Jim Cornette would describe Tommy as having “Summer teeth”, as in “summer here and summer there.” Stealing from the best! Cairo yanks him into the ropes with the chain in a smart move and comes back in with a suplex before dragging Ivan to two turnbuckles. Ivan goes to the nuts to escape and hits him in the head with the chain (“Cairo is looking woozy and groggy” Manor: “…how can you tell?”) Cairo starts bleeding as Ivan drags him to three turnbuckles, but Cairo gets fired up and makes the comeback with a chain to the head and busts him open. Koloff hits him with the chain again and goes up, but Cairo yanks him down with the chain and gets three turnbuckles, but Koloff bites his ass to stop the momentum. Kudos. Ivan with the Russian Sickle, but there’s no pins, and Manor gets some quality shots at New Jersey. Ugly women and syringes on the beach! Cairo comes back again and gets three turnbuckles, then fights off Koloff and hits the fourth one to win at 10:04. This was…GOOD?!? What the shit? Uncle Ivan still bringing it at 60 or however old he was. ***1/4

Lumberjack Match: Tony Stetson v. Sal Bellomo

So I have to apologize because I forgot to riff on Bellomo’s bizarre gear in Volume 1, as it’s some kind of strange mashup of a caveman and a gladiator. Perhaps someone in his family had access to a time machine and some Viagra? Stetson, meanwhile, has the look and gear of a WWF Superstars job guy and probably was exactly that at some point. I can honestly say that his lame run as “The Broad Street Bully” in future ECW was at least better. Stetson immediately gets tossed out and bleeds off a garbage can to the head, and back in for a dropkick and choking from Sal. We’ve switched back to Dick Graham on commentary, so yay. Stetson gets thrown out into the heels and beat up. Back in, Sal throws him out again for more abuse. Back in, Bellomo bites the cut, which the announcers describe as “a bloody mess” even though it’s on the same scale as Lex Luger at Bash 88. I’ve seriously seen Dusty Rhodes booked TV shows from 1985 that are bloodier than this entire “Bloodiest Matches” tape. Stetson makes a comeback and splits the legs for a kneedrop, and Bellomo bails, so Stetson finds a roll of coins and hits Sal with that. Stetson pounds away and goes up, but one of the heels shoves him off and it’s a donnybrook with everyone running in for the double DQ at 8:50. You have to love that two of the matches on this “Best of ECW” show end in a non-decision. DUD A bunch of chairs get thrown into the ring while everyone brawls. “This is goofy”, notes Graham. Strong words.

Anyway, the amount of blood on this entire show wouldn’t even compare to what Sabu typically did in one MATCH. I’d say Koloff is worth checking out here in a surprisingly good chain match, but the rest is low level indie junk at its worst. For fans and completionists only, as they say.