The SmarK Rant for The Best of ECW Volume 1–07.14.92

The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Hidden Gems – Best of ECW Volume 1

This is from July 1992, which feels like Baha Men releasing a Greatest Hits CD right after “Who Let the Dogs Out”. Although all these matches seem to be from the same show.

Taped from a sports bar in Philly.

Your hosts are Dick Graham and Stately Wayne Manor

Ironman Tommy Cairo v. Damian Stone

If you think the bingo hall is small, witness the bar that they’re shooting in here, which literally looks like they’re shooting in someone’s basement. Probably not far from the truth. Cairo gets some hiptosses on young Stone, who would grow up to be Little Guido in a few years. Stone bails and Cairo pulls him back in for a suplex, but Stone goes to a chinlock. Cairo escapes that, but Stone beats him down and back to the chinlock again. They fight to the floor and Cairo slams him out there. Back in, Stone comes back with a legdrop and goes up, but Cairo slams him off and follows with a powerbomb right on his friggin’ head for the pin at 5:20. Jesus, how did he not break his neck on that? ½* The announcer notes that ECW isn’t like those other TV shows, where “big stars go against some guy you’ve never heard of.” Yeah, this show features BOTH guys you’ve never heard of! ½*

Jim Neidhart v. Sal Bellomo

Bellomo attacks from behind and chokes Neidhart out, but Anvil comes back with a backdrop where the ring is so small that his legs hit the top rope on the way down. Anvil misses a charge and manager Stevie Wonderful gets involved, but hits Bellomo by mistake and Neidhart gets the pin at 1:30. So he gets 5:00 with the manager as a result, but Don Muraco runs in and turns on Neidhart right away. Yup. DUD

ECW tag team titles: The Night Breed v. The Super Destroyers

The Night Breed are of course Glen Osbourne and Max Thrasher, DUH. Although Thrasher looks more like you’d picture Jerry Lynn looking at age 65 if he never cut his hair. I’d run a picture of Lynn through that app to see, but I don’t want the Russians stealing my info. Thrasher does a test of strength with a Destroyer and gets beat down, but comes back with a snapmare for two. Over to Osbourne, who goes beyond low rent Road Warrior and into low rent Renegade. Destroyer #2 beats on him in the corner and they take turns working on the ankle with HOLDS. Truly living up to the Super Destroyer name here. At this point I’d also like to point out that Dick Graham sounds like he’s on Ambien on commentary, completely unconcerned with anything happening in the ring or outside of it. The holds continue unabated as they’re really working that leg over. Dick Graham expresses his disgust with the double-teaming in the same tone one might scoff at the latest local stories about those darn politicians in the morning paper. How could they approve Bill C-45 and let those darn bike lanes go unpainted? Come on! So they work the leg and work the leg and work the leg and Osbourne’s idea of selling is kind of laying in the ring and brushing his knee with his hand, and then finally he wanders over to the corner and makes a presumed hot tag to Max Thrasher. And then the Destroyers cut him off as well and one of them finishes it off with a senton off the top, nearly hitting the damn ceiling fan, winning the first ever tag titles at 11:47. And what a start to the titles that was! ½*

ECW title: Johnny Hot Body v. Jimmy Snuka

Finally, we get some Johnny Hot Body on this early ECW tape! He’s the quintessential gimmick from this time, where they just put the gimmick right in the name to save time. His name is Johnny, and he believes himself to have a Hot Body. So Hot Body literally stalls for the first 4 minutes of the match, until Tod Gordon has to come out and tell him to get in the ring. Manor is pretty funny here insulting the fans, but Graham is just no-selling everything and won’t play along. Finally they make contact with a test of strength at SIX MINUTES into the match, at which point Hot Body attacks him. And then runs away again. So Hot Body hangs out on the floor until NINE MINUTES in, at which point he grabs a headlock. This is making Ultimate Warrior v. Goldust look like Flair v. Steamboat. Hot Body takes him down with a headscissors on the mat and then gets a clothesline before going back to the headscissors. Snuka reverses to a leglock, but Hot Body makes the ropes and drops a knee on him for two. Johnny goes to a chinlock, but Snuka fights out and bails to the apron. Hot Body blocks a sunset flip and gets two, but Snuka finishes the move for two. Snuka makes the comeback with chops and goes after Don E. Allen, but Hot Body gets a german suplex for two. Snuka then hits him with the backbreaker and puts him away with the Superfly Splash to win the ECW title at an interminable 19:33.

If this was the best I’d hate to see what was left out for not making the cut.

Next time: VOLUME TWO!