The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–05.09.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 05.09.99

Last week on RAW: Shane tells his mother to SHUT HER MOUTH and reveals that he was the mastermind behind Stephanie’s kidnapping, and meanwhile Big Show forms a Union as this storyline spirals out of control and somehow makes less sense every week.

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Meanwhile, the Corporate Ministry arrives and steals the keys to the door from some poor security geek.

WWF tag team titles: Kane & X-Pac v. The Acolytes

Big brawl to start and Bradshaw fights to the floor with Kane while X-Pac hits Faarooq with kicks in the corner, but the Broncobuster is cut off. Meanwhile, the Union tries to get into the building with their lumber, but Bossman has locked the door and they literally have no other means of entrance. Back to the ring as X-Pac gets tossed and Billy Gunn runs out and attacks him, prompting Kane to chase Gunn back to the dressing room. That seems ill-advised. The Acolytes double-team X-Pac and now Road Dogg runs in and apparently is taking over for Kane as Bradshaw gets a big boot for two. That is some very questionable refereeing. X-Pac comes back with a spinkick on Bradshaw and makes a hot tag to Dogg as the crowd goes nuts. Road Dogg with the funky punches and shaky knee on Faarooq, but he runs into the Clothesline From Hell and a double powerbomb finishes at 3:22. So the Ministry comes in for the beatdown while Big Show rips the door off and the Union makes the save. So…did the tag titles change hands or what? The announcers think that Kane leaving means it wasn’t a legal victory, so I guess that falls under the Vince Russo trope of You Didn’t Read the Fine Print. This was barely even a match, more like a series of mini-angles and a finish.

So for those wondering, this was NOT a title change, although the Acolytes did win them soon after.

Billy Gunn v. Val Venis

The heated feud these two were having before Wrestlemania is already forgotten and ignored because it’s been, like, a whole month and they’re completely different characters now. What even happened to Ryan Shamrock at the end of that storyline? She literally just disappeared off TV one week and was never mentioned again. Gunn quickly lays out Val and tosses him for a shot to the stairs, and back in where Billy goes up and actually slips on the middle rope like a complete doofus. Good lord. This brings Debra and Jeff Jarrett out because it’s been more than 90 seconds without a run-in, and the fameasser finishes at 2:00 while Val is distracted. And then Gunn tries for the beatdown, but Kane comes out and makes the save. As a reminder, Gunn is facing Road Dogg at the PPV, not Kane. And then Kane chokeslams Val, so Nicole Bass runs out to give him mouth to mouth and revive him.

Meanwhile, Al Snow plays strip poker with his deer head and manages to lose.

Hardcore title: Head v. Al Snow

According to special referee Hardcore Holly, the “Hardcore Championship Committee” booked this match to settle things, because the mannequin head ended up with the title because reasons. “There is no Hardcore Championship Committee!” declares Kevin Kelly, in case we didn’t get the joke. So Snow proceeds to have a match with Head, including a sick unprotected chairshot to Head. Well that’s a clear concussion. This goes on ridiculously long, with Snow wrestling himself and setting up a table with Head on it for a moonsault. Which he somehow manages to miss. And then Snow pins Head to win the title anyway. So as part of the deal, Snow has to give Holly a title match. Because reasons. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS SHIT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE?

HHH v. Road Dogg

Holy cow, HHH’s entrance music is an instrumental version of “My Time”! I didn’t even know that was a thing! So Road Dogg’s ribs were apparently seriously injured by taking a single powerbomb in the opening match, and HHH immediately attacks the ribs and goes to work on them. Dogg makes a comeback, somehow managing to shuck and jive through a crippling rib injury, and of course Billy Gunn runs in for the distraction, and Chyna trips up Road Dogg to set up KICK WHAM PEDIGREE at 2:15. Gunn and HHH try for ANOTHER heel beatdown, but Kane saves AGAIN, but then chokeslams Road Dogg before X-Pac runs in to save HIM and talks Kane down. This show feels like it was booked by a 10 year old on Red Bull and pop rocks.

Big Show v. Mideon

Before the match, we get a video package for the Undertaker v. Big Show match from RAW last week, which I think went about a minute, and ended with Undertaker pouring ether on his elbow pad and breaking a baseball bat on Show’s head. Because of course it did. So Show comes in here and immediately chokeslams Mideon as the announcers try out “Showstopper” and “Showtime” as names for the move, although nothing stuck. What about “Jesus H. Chokeslam”, like I apparently suggested by accident? So the ref is bumped, because that’s what this show needed, and Show finds Mideon’s pet eyeball and shoves it down his throat as the match is apparently over with no bell. So it’s a Sportz Entertainment Finish at 1:00. And Undertaker cuts a promo on the Titantron, building up a feud with Show that never happened. In fact, they ended up as a tag team.

Meanwhile, the Rock finally shows up with 10 minutes left in the show.

Droz v. Meat

I don’t think I could come up with a more 1999 Heat main event than this. Droz slugs away in the corner while Cole suggests we “check out the piercing of Prince Albert”. No, I don’t think I’ll do that. Meat slugs back and gets a crossbody for two, then goes up with another crossbody for two. At this point, Albert tries to pierce Terri’s tongue, while Meat hits something called the Meat Grinder on Droz for the pin at 2:00, which the camera pretty much missed. And then it’s TO THE BACK, as the Rock is walking and the Corporate Ministry is plotting.

The Rock is out for the main event interview, complete with a broken arm, and we are running WAY short on time, perhaps because Droz and Meat managed to go long despite being given 2:00. So the Rock quickly runs through the catchphrases and thinks that his match with HHH at Over the Edge will be no laughing matter. That’s an understatement. HHH and the Ministry come out so HHH can do his grunting rebuttal before the beatdown, but the Union makes the save and we’re DESPERATELY OUT OF TIME!

Well, this show sure wasn’t boring. I’ll give it that. It was a lot of stuff, and a million senseless angles packed into a million 2:00 segments, but definitely not boring.