The SmarK Rant for ROH/New Japan G1 Supercard from MSG–04.06.19

The SmarK Rant for ROH/New Japan G1 Supercard from MSG – 04.06.19

Live from Madison Square Garden!

Your hosts are Ian Riccaboni & Kevin Kelly & Colt Cabana

Sorry, but I missed the first hour due to work, so we’ll pick it up after the shitty women’s title match. The match sucked, and the post-match angle with one chick doing a literal heel turn on another chick sucked, but Velvet Sky can still GET IT. Come at me, bro, it’s not like my type is any big secret. Regardless, the Beautiful People and this sports entertainment gaga are NOT what this crowd wanted to see and it completely killed them. But Velvet’s ring entrance is always worth watching. Just saying. But really we’re all here for the New Japan portion anyway and the ROH guys are kind of a necessary evil.

Mega Ran comes out to rap about wrestling and it’s pretty terrible, but thankfully Bully Ray interrupts and gives the guy until the count of 3 to run away. And then clocks him at one anyway. The rapping dude was enthusiastic but this wasn’t the crowd for it.

Bully Ray v. Flip Gordon

Apparently Flip’s broken knee got a lot better. This is Bully Ray’s open challenge, and he manages to beat Flip down pretty quick and retrieves his own tables, since D-Von is absent. So then Silas Young and Shane Taylor come out for the 3-on-1 beatdown before Juice Robinson & Mark Haskins come out to give us our impromptu six-man hardcore match.

Bully Ray, Silas Young & Shane Taylor v. Juice Robinson, Mark Haskins & Flip Gordon

Bully slugs away on Juice, but he comes back with his own jabs while the fans chant along. Silas lays out Juice with a chair and moonsaults onto it, but Haskins saves and the babyfaces fight off Taylor and dump him, then follow with stereo dives. Bully goes to work on Flip with the kendo stick and is joined by Silas and Shane, and Flip decides to just take the shots. And then his partners finally come in and save him and we get everyone dueling with kendo sticks until Bully Ray decides to just walk away from the fight. Juice hauls him back in and as expected Bully blames his partners for everything and begs forgiveness, but the faces beat on him with trash can lids for a bit. But then the heels triple-team Flip and put him through a table. The highlight of the match sees Bully getting crotched on the post and loudly yelling “OUCH MY BALLS!”. More plunder used and the babyfaces do the Wazzup on Bully, and Flip finishes with a 450 at 14:56. This was just a bunch of stuff that happened and didn’t really have any particular flow to it, but fine, whatever. *1/2

IWGP Junior title: Taiji Ishimori v. Dragon Lee v. Bandido

I love that they’re using the Japanese ring announcer and the New Japan camera moves for this one. Bandido quickly puts Dragon on the floor with a rana and follows with a dive, but he bails to the apron to escape Ishimori and Dragon comes flying with his own rana off the apron in an incredible spot. And then Ishimori hits them both with a moonsault to the floor. Back in the ring, Ishimori works on Bandido in the corner and springboards with a leg lariat for two, but Dragon hits the shotgun dropkick on him and follows with a low dropkick for two. Bandido hits Lee with a GTS out of a torture rack for two, but Ishimori handsprings into an elbow, and then Lee hits Ishimori with a powerbomb for two. Lee hangs Ishimori in the Tree of Woe, but Bandido hits him with a rana out of the corner and then Lee hits Ishimori with a Dragon Destroyer out of nowhere and everyone is out. Well THIS has awakened the crowd! Bandido hits Ishimori with a pop-up Diamond Cutter for two and goes up, but Dragon crotches him and double-stomps him in the Tree of Woe, then goes after Ishimori again. Ishimori immediately hits something like the Big Ending for two and goes for the Bloody Cross, but Bandido saves and everyone fights to the top rope. This is gonna be bad. So Bandido somehow does a double fallaway slam on both guys at the same time because everyone is insane, and that gets two. “THAT’S NOT EVEN A MOVE!” declares Colt. Bandido with a backbreaker on Ishimori for two, but Dragon gets an inverted rana on Bandido and follows with the Falcon Arrow powerbomb for the pin and the title at 9:00. This was some of the craziest shit I’ve ever seen in my life and I’d say it should have been about 5:00 longer. ****

Winner Take All tag title match: Tama Tonga & Tanga Loa (IWGP tag champions) v. The Briscoes v. EVIL & SANADA v. Brody King & PCO (ROH tag champions)

The GOD seem like they’re aping the Usos’ act a little bit at this point. But they’re probably all friends anyway. PCO manages to upstage everyone else in the match, which is saying something, by entering via electric chair and taking a car battery to the neck. I’m still astonished that fucking PIERRE THE QUEBECER could manage to reinvent himself into a star again when most people are retired. Everyone quickly brawls to the floor and then we get a four-way slugfest in the ring, but the Briscoes haul the Villains out of the ring, leaving SANADA to wrap up Tama Tonga in the dreaded Paradise Lock before dropkicking him out of the ring. Why has no one in UFC tried that one yet? The Briscoes double-team SANADA, but King hits them both with a bodypress and then slugs it out with Tanga Loa before hitting him with a cannonball. So with the ring cleared, Brody hits everyone with a dive, and then Mark Briscoe hits him with a somersault. Back in the ring, Tama slugs away on Mark but gets double-teamed by the Briscoes for two. Tama dropkicks Jay to the floor, but SANADA dumps Tama and EVIL lives up to his name by wrapping a chair around Tama’s head and then hitting it with another chair. Back in, LIJ double-teams Tama as a result and sets up for the Magic Killer, but Jay breaks it up with a J Driller into Mark’s flying elbow for two. Brody chokeslams Mark onto the apron and PCO follows with a gonzo senton off the top rope onto Mark on the apron. Back in, PCO with a moonsault on Mark for two, but Loa saves. And then GOD gives him an actual double chokeslam out of the ring and to the floor, at which point he SITS UP and laughs. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Back in, King gets hit by Jado’s kendo stick, and a gun stun and super powerbomb finish King at 10:00 to win both ROH and IWGP titles. This was more complete craziness, mostly from PCO, who I think might have legit mental problems so he must be doing a great job. This match was insanity and I’m not even sure how to rate it exactly. ***1/2 sounds about right. Sadly, the Guerrillas’ celebration is ruined by Toru Yano stealing the IWGP tag belts. That’s probably not going to end well for him.

Speaking of things not ending well, Enzo (and maybe Cass?) try to jump the railing and make a scene, but the announcers deliberately ignore them and off-handedly bury them for being too stupid to do it without making sure cameras were on them, while security hauls them off. Who the fuck would be stupid enough to jump the railing with the Tongans AND Briscoes both there? Oh yeah, Enzo.

Update from later: Apparently it’s a work and ROH is hiring them. That’s getting pretty desperate. I know they must need star power because Matt Taven is in their portion of the main event, but ENZO?

Rev Pro British heavyweight title: Zack Sabre Jr. v. Hiroshi Tanahashi

TAKA returns to MSG as the hype man for Zack and is suitably demotivating to the crowd. You tell ‘em, TAKA! They do the grappling battle to start and Zack piefaces him, so Tana fires back with forearms and they get into that for a little bit before Tanahashi gets a cross body and some air guitar. ZSJ takes him down with a sick armbar and twists him on the mat for a bit, but Tana escapes and fights back with more forearms. Zack tosses him, but he tries to skin the cat, so Zack hooks him with a headscissors and chokes him out on the ropes with that in a crazy spot. Back in the ring, Tanahashi dropkicks the knee and gets a somersault senton for two. He goes to an abdominal stretch, but Zack reverses to his own, and Tana reverses back again and turns it into a pumphandle slam. Zack tries to trap Tanahashi with another headscissors in the ropes, but Tana counters with a dragon screw instead and goes to the cloverleaf, which Zack turns into a triangle like a slithering snake. And then Tana reverses right back to the cloverleaf like a BOSS, and Zack has to make the ropes. Sling blade and Tanahashi goes up, but Zack cuts him off with a dropkick and tries a kimura on the top rope, then goes after the arm back in the ring. Tanahashi tries to counter, but Zack rolls him up with a sick bridging cradle for two, and a penalty kick for two. Tanahashi comes back with another dragon screw, but Sabre slips into another cradle for two. Zack jumps into a guillotine and Tanahashi counters with three Twist & Shouts and another sling blade for two. Zack wraps him up with another crazy armbar again and uses SMALL JOINT MANIPULATION to trap him on the mat in intense pain, and he’s got nowhere to go and no way to get there and has to tap out at 15:20. That was a fucking sick submission hold and some great mat wrestling here, but not off the charts great or anything. ***1/2 You know me, I love me some small joint manipulation.

IWGP Intercontinental title: Tetsuya Naito v. Kota Ibushi

This is what I’m here for, baby! This one should be, as the kids say, off the chizz-ain. The crowd actually chants “Holy shit” to the very notion of seeing this match. Naito of course takes his time and then sneak attacks Ibushi off a clean break before getting into a reversal sequence on the mat that ends with Naito getting Tranquillo. Ibushi snaps off a rana and Naito bails to the floor, but then suckers him into a dropkick from the apron and runs him into the railing a few times. Some poor security geek gets flattened as a result, so Naito offers him a handshake of respect and then whips Ibushi into the crowd and opts to try for the countout win. Back in, Naito with the corner dropkick into the mule kick, and a neckbreaker gets two. Naito with a neck vice while the announcers helpfully recap Naito’s love-hate relationship with the IC title, and Ibushi comes back with a dropkick and kick combo into a standing moonsault for two. Naito gets a nasty one-footed dropkick for two, right in Kota’s beautiful, beautiful face! NOT THE FACE! Naito with a neckbreaker out of the corner and then a dropkick to the back of the head for two. To the top and they botch a rana attempt, but Ibushi recovers and puts him down with a Pele kick. Ibushi tries a deadlift german suplex into the ring, but Naito reverses to a tease of a tombstone off the apron to the crowd’s horror, which Ibushi reverses into a crazy rana off the apron, getting MAD hangtime! Crowd gives him a “Mamma mia” chant for that one. Back in, springboard double stomp gets two. Naito comes back with a rana off the top and the hammerlock neckbreaker, Gloria, for two. Even Caprice Coleman on commentary is like “How many times is Ibushi getting dropped on his head in this match?” Ibushi escapes the Destino attempt and puts Naito down with a clothesline and both guys are out, but Ibushi recovers first and hits the dead lift german suplex from the apron into the ring, for two. Ibushi goes to finish and they do a sloppy series of reversals that leads to Ibushi getting dropped on his head AGAIN, for two. They slug it out and that goes badly for Ibushi, as Naito pelts him with kicks and then hits the reverse rana and DESTINO for two. Another one is escaped by Ibushi and he puts Naito down with a head kick and both guys are out again. Ibushi busts out the BOM A YE, twice, but only gets two. YEAOH! Last Ride gets two. Kamagoye knee strike finishes at 21:00 to win the title and holy shit this was a great match. ****1/2 See what happens when you finally sign a contract? Shit gets done!

Ladder match, ROH World title: Jay Lethal v. Marty Scurll v. Matt Taven

I’m just not seeing Matt Taven as the kind of star power you want in this position. This is where the lack of the Elite guys really hurts the show. Now watch them put the title on him. Meanwhile, poor Scurll is like the poor kid who failed grade 12 and gets left behind to repeat it while all his friends go off to college. Also, Nick Aldis joins the mammoth commentary team and it’s like…

Like, enough already. They immediately take it to the floor and Taven dives onto the other two, but Lethal suplexes Taven on the floor and Scurll tosses him into multiple ladders in the ring. Lethal tosses Taven and dumps a ladder on Scurll, then throws a ladder onto Taven’s back outside, and exchanges chops with the Villain. Marty manages to hang Lethal in the Tree of Woe with his head somehow wedged in a ladder, and he beats on the ladder with a chair. Sounds loud but didn’t look particularly impressive, to be honest. What IS impressive is Scurll climbing the ladder and bringing the umbrella with him to hook the title belt, but Lethal escapes and makes the save. Taven tries to climb and Lethal runs him into a ladder to save. Scurll with more chops on Lethal and he dropkicks the knee, but Taven steals the heat and kicks the ladder in Lethal’s face. Scurll clotheslines Taven to the floor and makes the climb, but Lethal does a crazy figure-four on Scurll using the ladder to stop him. Taven tries to climb and Lethal stops him and then dumps Scurll for a brawl outside, but Taven powerbombs him onto a ladder set up in the aisle. That looked painful, but even more painful is the crowd reaction, as they’re trying all this crazy stuff and it’s just not getting over outside of the Villain. Back in the ring, Scurll busts out with a 619 on Taven and calls for the chicken wing, but Taven cock blocks him with a dropkick to the knee and DDTs him. “Fuck you Taven” notes the crowd. Taven goes for the ladder and Scurll stomps the ladder on his fingers, but Taven also cock blocks the finger breaker and hits Scurll with a neckbreaker on the ladder. A top heel who is basically an internet troll is not a particularly effective one. Taven climbs a ladder in the corner for reasons, but Scurll brings him down with a superplex. Lethal finally recovers and escapes the chicken wing in the corner, putting Scurll on the floor as a result. Taven and Lethal slug it out on the ladder and Jay puts him down off that, but Scurll sneaks up from behind and hooks the chicken wing on top of the ladder. Lethal goes down but Scurll is too short to reach the belt, allowing Taven to save. Scurll finally gets the fingers broken, but Lethal knocks him off, leaving Taven at the top of the ladder. And then he’s unable to grab the belt, due to broken fingers and all. “You deserve it” notes the crowd. Lethal runs Taven into the ladder with the Lethal Combination, but Scurll dumps him and concocts a big “X” with the ladders, then suplexes Taven onto it. Lethal with the Lethal Injection on Scurll and he chucks the giant X ladder into the crowd, nailing some poor guys in the front row with it. “That’s a lawsuit!” notes the crowd. Say what you will about the match, but the crowd’s snark is ON POINT. Meanwhile, Scurll sets up a table on the floor and then hits Lethal with a brainbuster (not on the table, though). He tries a piledriver off the apron, but Lethal escapes and then Taven comes out of nowhere and puts Scurll through the table with a spear. “You still suck!” notes the crowd. Well spotted. Jay Lethal then sets up another table and puts Taven through the table with a flying elbow off a ladder, which leaves Marty last man standing in the ring. He climbs for the title with Lethal slowly following him, but Taven finds a custom painted purple ladder which is a bazillion feet tall, and he climbs for the title while the other two fight. Scurll saves and we get a ridiculous ladder platform through the purple ladder, which leaves Taven alone on top of the ladder, but Lethal makes one last attempt before Taven grabs the title at 29:35. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? They tried, I suppose, but this was a major drag and killed the crowd. **1/4

Like, seriously, MATT TAVEN?!?

As a note, to those boo-hooing about how Cole v. Gargano was “too long” at Takeover, THIS was a match that was legitimately 20 minutes too long with only about 10 minutes of content and died as a result.

IWGP Heavyweight title: Jay White v. Kazuchika Okada

OK, time for Okada to save the show. No one even wants to cheer for White or start a dueling chant. White stalls outside the ring to be a dick, and Okada teases the big chop off a lockup and then lovingly pats him on the chest instead. Gedo distracts Okada for a second and White takes him down with a headlock while the crowd chants “Fuck you Gedo”. There was a time where I’d agree but his booking has turned the tide on him for good, I think. Of course, I’m pretty sure the crowd is in on the joke anyway. White continues with the side headlock, but Okada escapes with a neckbreaker for one. They head to the floor and Gedo interferes again, allowing White to suplex Okada into the railing and then catapult him under the ropes for two. White works the neck and elbows Okada down for two, and follows with a backdrop suplex for two. They slug it out and White gets a DDT to set up an Indian deathlock with a bridge. You, buddy, are no Great Muta. Okada makes the ropes and White makes sure to crank on the bridge for the full count of five as Kelly notes that Jay has “shovels for hands”. Isn’t that Big Show? Okada comes back with a flapjack and makes the comeback with elbows to put White down, and a DDT of his own for two. White throws kicks out of the corner and Okada just sneers at him and throws an OKADA DROPKICK to put White on the floor. Gedo gets involved again, so Okada kicks his ass and throws him into the front row, before hitting both heels with a dive over the railing. Back in, White snaps off a Saito suplex and hits Okada with a running forearm into a brainbuster for two. Okada misses a charge, but manages to tie White up with a neckbreaker out of the corner and White hides in the corner like a coward. Okada tries a tombstone and White hides in the corner again, but makes the mistake of pointing to his head to indicate his intelligence, and Okada dropkicks his teeth in and then follows with a missile dropkick for two. I don’t know how he magically hovers in mid-air like that, but I’m assuming it’s the magic of his tights, which are more awesome than anything in the ladder match. Flying elbow and it’s time to MAKE IT RAIN, but White collapses to his ass like a sack of shit. So Okada beats on him some more, but White snaps off a Flatliner and german suplex, but can’t get the Blade Runner. He goes with a uranage instead for two. He tries a Kiwi Krusher, but Okada knees out of it, so White suplexes him to the floor. Back in for another Kiwi Krusher, but it gets two. Okada comes back with the tombstone, but White keeps fighting with chops and they slug it out. White wins that one and throws chops on the ropes, but walks into the OKADA DROPKICK. Okada has to slap Gedo around again and gets another dropkick, but White counters the Rainmaker with a suplex. White tries the Blade Runner, but Okada counters out and gets a dropkick to the back of the head, and a spinning Rainmaker to set up the RAINMAAAAAAAAAAKER…for two. What the FUCK? The crowd is shocked into silence by that. So am I . Like, completely stunned. Another tombstone is reversed into the Blade Runner, but White can’t make the cover. They trade forearms from their knees and Okada wins that battle, but Gedo interferes AGAIN and White goes low as a result. This sets up another Blade Runner, but Okada reverses into a german suplex, , which turns into a pair of backslide reversals and a dropkick from Okada. White escapes another Rainmaker with elbows, but Okada won’t let go of the wrist, hits him right in the face, and then hits another RAINMAKER and tombstone and one more fucking RAINMAKER because FUCK YOU GEDO, to regain the title at 31:50. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS! Started slow but they had me yelling and cheering by the end, and no more deserving champion than Okada. Jay White is very improved, but COME ON. Still, an awesome match to end the show. ****1/2

And then they FLY off the air at exactly 12:00EST with no followup. Geez.

Geez, I missed the first hour and still got four hours out of it. I’d recommend watching with a caveat, in that you’re probably better off skipping all the ROH stuff and watching the New Japan portions. So on the scale of BURN IT / AVOID IT / SKIM IT / WATCH IT / BINGE IT, I’d say SKIM IT for the ROH matches and BINGE IT for New Japan’s matches, which averages out to WATCH IT. But you don’t need to run out and see it or anything.