The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling–02.16.87

The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 02.16.87

What’s with the weird dating on these? Last week’s was 02.13, and now it’s three days later, and then the next one jumps to 02.28? Was it a dog show thing even back then?

Your hosts are Gorilla & Bobby. Gorilla is already salty with the Brain, immediately calling him a “piece of garbage” as he explains the storyline for new fans and notes that Bobby was the one who had Andre reinstated in exchange for managing him.

King Kong Bundy v. Pete Doherty

Obviously we’re in Boston, the only place where Doherty is a featured guy. Gorilla declares that Doherty is on “a win streak”. What, he won a match? I don’t think “one” is a viable winning streak. Bundy pounds him down and clubs away before elbowing him down. Doherty tries a comeback and Bundy shrugs him off and drops a knee for two, but picks him up. “He may live to regret that!” notes Ken Resnick. I think he’ll be OK. Big fat splash misses and the Duke makes the unlikely comeback, using his Dino Bravo-like skill level to hammer away in the corner, but an annoyed Bundy just shoves him down and drops an elbow to flatten him like a midget. He picks him up at two, and drops another elbow for two, but misses an Avalanche and Doherty comes back AGAIN and grabs a chair this time, hitting Bundy with it for the DQ at 3:03. Well, points for effort! Gotta protect the Duke of Dorchester I guess. This was about the most entertaining match they were gonna have together. **

Back at the studio, Bobby notes that Doherty is closing in on Gorilla’s winning percentage. Back to Andre, as Bobby declares that their beef is all water under the bridge, and then Gorilla just cuts him off and throws to the commercial. What a dick.

Dino Bravo v. SD Jones

Also from Boston, during the weird period when Bravo had turned heel and was managed by Johnny V, but hadn’t yet ditched his Canadian flag gear and bleached his hair. SD goes after Valiant and Bravo clobbers him from behind and hits an atomic drop for two. Jones comes back with slams and Bravo bails while Johnny shows off his fur coat at the commentary table. Back in the ring, Jones gets an atomic drop while Johnny V talks up his new team, who are apparently called “Demolition”. Johnny moves onto his “young” protégé Bravo, and Gorilla snorts “YOUNG?!” in response. “Very late twenties…” adds Resnick. Jones tries a monkey flip and Bravo dumps him out of the corner while Ken is still incredulous about the claims of “late twenties” for Bravo’s age. Jones gets dumped and Valiant slams him on the concrete. Back in, Dino with a samoan drop for two and a gut wrench for two. Boston crab, which is basically Bravo bending SD’s legs at the knees, is SHOCKINGLY escaped. I thought he was done for with all the pressure of bending his knees in the correct direction! Jones makes a comeback and slugs Bravo down in the corner, but misses a blind charge like in every match he’s ever done, and the sideslam finishes at 7:24. This started bad and just kept getting worse. ½*

Back at the studio, Gorilla wonders why Bravo wasn’t DQ’d multiple times.

Meanwhile, Gorilla interviews Slick backstage in Boston, accusing him of taking Bobby Heenan’s money from the Hercules contract and using it to bet on matches at Wrestlemania III. He’s a PIMP, not a degenerate gambler! Although I suppose he can be both things.

Back at the studio, Gorilla notes that Andre is only a “proven commodity” in that he’s undefeated for 20 years, but he’s never held the WWF title and probably never will, so he’s actually unproven. Even though he’s never had a title match. That’s some spectacular logic there.

Meanwhile, on Piper’s Pit, Roddy is confused about the whole Hogan-Andre situation, so he recaps the whole deal for us, and out comes Hulk Hogan. He’s still shaken up from last week, so Piper confronts him and wants to know WHAT’S GOING ON WITH ANDRE. Weren’t they best friends? Yes they were! They used to fight for the same things, against the forces of greed and jealously. (OH THE IRONY!) WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST TAKE A STAKE AND DRIVE IT IN MY HEART, ANDRE? Piper has had enough of the feels and just wants to know, YES OR NO? And of course, Hulk bellows YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS! And then Vince sees the advances in Pontiac and he’s like…

Meanwhile, on Superstars, Danny Davis is going to referee a Tito Santana match, but Jack Tunney chases him down to ringside and delivers another famous line from 1987, “Referee Danny Davis is suspended for life!” See, now that’s how an authority figure needs to operate. Swoop in, make the big call, then fuck off. Danny wants to throw down with Tito, but Jimmy Hart comes out and takes him back to the dressing room, perhaps to be fitted for a new suit. What an amazing angle for the time. As I’ve noted before, Davis had nuclear heat and could have been a solid midcard heel for years but just didn’t have anything to back it up in the ring.

Also, holy cow would I have loved to be at that Sundome taping in Tampa. The Hart Foundation title switch AND the Davis angle?

Meanwhile, Jimmy Hart presents his newest charge, Danny Davis, and he’s got OPEN CONTRACTS. Gorilla questions why Bobby didn’t go after him, but Bobby was too busy “watching Bundy get ready to smash some midgets”. That’s fair. I don’t like Bundy’s faking of Wrestlemania speed records, but I strongly agree with his midget elbow-dropping stance.

Koko B. Ware v. The Red Demon

Back to the dreaded Demon, aka Jose Luis Rivera in a unitard and leopard print mask, and hopefully Koko can get a better match out of him in Boston than Poffo could in MSG. Koko gets some dropkicks and Demon bails and stalls for a bit, then starts going for the foreign objects in his tights. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Oh, apparently it’s a real foreign object. Koko comes back with a monkey flip and goes for the mask, but the Demon runs away again and stalls. Back in, Demon gets a cheapshot and puts him down for an elbowdrop and chokes away with a piece of tape from his tights. That gets two. This is some terrible refereeing. And yet Danny Davis is the one getting suspended for life? Demon with a suplex for two. Demon goes aerial and crashes, but Koko’s got nothing and Demon uses the object to put him down again. The Demon goes to argue with the ref and Koko rolls him up for two, but Demon slams him again and goes up while Gorilla discusses the contractual risks of signing a match against a masked guy. It could be Paul Orndorff under the mask for all you know! Koko makes another comeback with a powerslam for two. Koko goes up and finishes with a missile dropkick at 9:44. OK, we’ve had our 10:00 Red Demon match for the week, let’s move on. *

Tama v. Frenchie Martin

This is quite the Boston Garden card. We’re joining this barnburner in progress, with Frenchie biting Tama, but taking a suplex. Tama with an atomic drop and he goes up, but splats and Martin takes over. Tama comes back with a buttdrop for two and slugs away in the corner while Slick gets a SICK BURN on commentary by calling Ken Resnick “Ken Redneck”. He’s bringing the HOT FIRE! He’s like Becky Lynch on Twitter, times 100! Tama finishes with the flying bodypress at 3:55 in the meantime. Just a match. *

Back at the studio, Bobby rearranges the LJN figures to depict Andre pinning Hogan and fields calls from Grenoble, France. “Why would they come all that way to see a loser?” wonders Gorilla. UNCALLED FOR!

Haku v. Terry Gibbs

Did people seriously have to pay money to sit through this show in Boston? The main event was a lumberjack match between Savage and Sammartino but it’s seriously match after match like this one otherwise. Haku works a headlock forever to start, but Gibbs dumps him to the floor to escape, and back in for an elbow that gets two. Haku with a hiptoss for two and a small package for two, and a diving headbutt finishes at 4:25. Yup. ½*

Back at the studio, Gorilla claims the Hart Foundation have been booked to defend the tag team titles at Wrestlemania. Turns out he was a fountain of misinformation there!

Ricky Steamboat v. Sika

Sika attacks and chases Ricky to the floor to start, but Dragon fights back with chops until Sika cuts him off and tosses him again. Back in, Sika chokes him out and works on the injured throat while Resnick goes on about this “Larry Bird” guy who could possibly have his number retired someday! Let’s not go crazy here. Sika continues pounding away on Steamboat, but Ricky gets a chop and goes up with the double chop, then cradles for the pin at 4:00. Jesus, Sika took the entire match and gave him nothing there. ½*

Back at the studio, Gorilla protests that he used to be able to call Andre and talk to him whenever he wanted, but now Bobby has poisoned his mind somehow. “I think maybe you did something in Grenoble.” “Did something? Who told you about that?” Then Bobby riffs on a nervous intern, noting “He’s so nervous he went on his honeymoon and took his pants to bed and hung his wife over the chair”, at which point Gorilla completely loses it on air and cracks up, along with the director. And Bobby just sits there deadpanning the whole time. Just amazing.

The Can Am Connection v. Tiger Chung Lee & The Gladiator

We’re over to Superstars again as the Can-Ams double-team Lee, but Martel takes a cheapshot and Zenk sneaks in with a rollup for two. Gladiator pulls down the top rope and Martel takes a bump to the floor, allowing the jobbers to take over, but Martel slingshots in with the splash for the pin at 3:28. Damn, Martel and Zenk were MONEY. Zenk was a damn fool for leaving the way he did.

Billy Jack Haynes v. Hercules

Paul Orndorff comes out to do a cameo like Lacey Evans, and then leaves again while Billy Jerk attacks Herc and tosses him. Back in, they slug it out in the corner and Haynes puts him down with a clothesline, but a blind charge misses and Hercules takes over with a lariat. Herc works him over while Bobby Heenan drifts in and out of the commentary position and annoys Gorilla. This brings up an interesting point, as Gorilla makes sure to point out that Andre is very well off and would not be in need of Bobby’s money. As opposed to today, where every storyline seems to revolve around destitute wrestlers beholden to the McMahons for their weekly payday lest they end up in the poorhouse. Anyway, Gorilla keeps coming up with all kinds of spurious reasoning for why Andre doesn’t deserve a title shot, like moving on from territory to territory and never accumulating the kind of win streak that would warrant a shot. How about HULK HOGAN IS A BAD FRIEND? That’s reason enough right there. We take a break and return with Billy Jerk trying the full nelson, but he goes after Bobby like a moron and Orndorff returns, nails Haynes from behind, and Hercules gets the pin at 9:59. Well now we don’t need to see the match at Wrestlemania! I’m assuming this was setting up the, uh, stellar Oregon Connection v. Hercules & Orndorff tag matches around the horn with Patera missing a blind charge every night? Match was OK. **

Quite the mixed bag this week, but Bobby Heenan was on FIRE in the studio.